ex and would be ex-gamblers support thread

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  • Hi Guys,

    I'd love a bit of support

    my husband is addicted to gambling and it is making our lives hell.

    We have been having loads of problems and Im currently living with my parents because of it. He doesnt have ajob at the moment but is looking and has an interview today.

    Anyway, last night he got his JSA into his accoount at midnight, and by 5am it was all gone. I just dont know what to do. He is in Devon adn I am in BRistol, paying all the bills and rent on a house I dont live in.

    He was texting me that his life was !!!! and that he might just end it all. I said a few weeks ago if he gambled again, I would leave him and hes done it, but I can leave. Im scared to death hell do something to himself. Ive told him if he does that hes selfish and ruin the rest of my life.

    Over the last 3 years it been like this, me looking at our joint account and money has been spent, cancelled his card, banned from all betting sites I can think of, put gamblock on PC twice, both times he resets computer, and even when we did have it he found one site it didnt cover and used it. Hes used my credit cards and my own bank account without my permission. 2 years ago he won 10,000, guess what, the next day it was all gone.

    I just dont know what to do, he is so down and I fell awful for him for feeling like he is, but this can not go on.
  • riquelme
    riquelme Posts: 304 Forumite
    sunny - sounds like you are going through a tough time.

    what you need to remember that gambling addiction is like an illness and your partner like me has this illness. it may not ever go away but im learning that there's things that i can do that can arrest it and keep it at bay.

    re: computer + gamblock - does he need a computer? if so are there times that he can use it when you are around? my wife supervises all my internet usage now even though weve got gamblock. i just need to rebuild the trust.

    re: using your cards - again you need to take away his means to be able to do it. under no circumstances should he have access to your money/ cards.

    re; his money- is there any way that you can both look after his money so that he isnt able to gamble (pocket money if you like)

    these seem harsh steps and i feel like im being treated like a child at times, but im serious that ive got to do something about it, i dont want to lose my fam,ily and dont ever want suicidal thoughts in my head again.

    try and work something out together that you are both happy with regarding the above issues, but he needs to be ready to change or else the gambling may continue.

    take care, we're here for you like people have been for me
    x
  • lufcgirl
    lufcgirl Posts: 1,875 Forumite
    My problem related to actual casino's, which have been pretty much counted out until now.

    About 2 years ago on a night out, a bunch of us went to the local casino, I signed in as a guest and I remember losing £10 but thinking it was really cool and kept having the urge to go back. I had a high paid job at the time, and lived at home so affording it wasn't a problem.

    One day I went in with £40 and was in about ten hours and ended up leaving with £100 profit (which was a lot for me). Then it became a daily obsession with making sure I was there incase I missed out on anything. My game of choice was and still is blackjack. So there I was, making friends with dealers, shunning my friends and just going in the casino straight after work till the early hours, usually losing around £100 a time.
    Now it's two years on. I don't use online gambling, because it's computerised I'm sure it's a bigger con than real life blackjack play. I've got my act together and now live in a beautiful apartment with my partner even though I'm having a bit of trouble financially due to changing jobs. Living in Newcastle city centre (3 casinos on your doorstep) means I can't even resist the temptation to go in...EVER! Whenever I have money in my pocket, even if it's for a bill, I still go in...and subsequently lose. I go in because I feel lonely (my best friend lives other end of the country, other friends are working...) or just cos it's the only way I can see of making some money till I have my new job. The last time I went in, I gambled my spending money for seeing my best friend and doubled it then left...definite progression for me. Quitting is hard but I'm trying my very best not to go as much as I used to. Still have the constant urge to go though, wish I could get rid of this gambling gene!
  • Thanks requelme.

    Its so horrible.

    He thinks its under control but hen he says he has no control over it and cant stop.

    ive tried the whole taking access away from him. He hasnt had access to the joint account for ages, I cancelled his card and his telephone banking. In the past He has taken the cards out of my purse while im in bed and registers them.

    hes on a real downer today, I do understand how he feels, he fells crap, like a looser and that hes messed up but im sick and tired of bailing him out, saying nervermind lets start again.

    He thinks he can control it with a fiver on the footie at the weekends but it always, always goes to more than that. Hes only 23 for goodness sake, he should get on with his life.

    Have you been to gamblers anonymous, how do you go about it, is it reaally hard?
  • kate705
    kate705 Posts: 133 Forumite
    Riquelme,
    I don't gamble but remember your threads about your marriage. I often wondered if things worked out after you told your OH. I just wanted to say well done and I'm so pleased that she has given you another chance.

    xx
  • I had gambled sensibly for fun for a fewyears, since i was 19 or so, a pound or so on a fun football accumulator and very occasional small ew bets on horses. Probably down but not by much, nothing to really worry about.THEN, came the roulette machines in the bookies. I didn't play them for a while, thought i'd try a fiver, won the best part of £1k then proceeded to lose about 3k a month, when only taking home £1k a month at the time. My LBM came when i couldn't get another consolidation loan to consolidate my CC's other loans. When i totalled it all up i was £24k in debt at 25 year old after having £5k in saving at 23!

    The real point here is that during the dark days playing roulette, I still knew the value of money (would buy reduced items, shop around for the best products etc) but totally blanked out gambling money as an expense, treating hundreds of £'s like monopoly money. I'd begrudge paying £3 for a pint but wouldn't blink at spending £100 on a crazy spin of a fixed odds bettting terminal. How do gamblers manage to just brush off the notion thats its expensive, or it isn't actually money being gambled? I've asked myself loads but could never fathom it out.

    I've not attended any GA or anything like that, i've pretty much sorted myself out. Debt now stands at about 7k, i still have the occasionaly flutter on the football and play poker for very small stakes a bit but will never ever ever venture anywhere near fixed odd's games again, i know my weakness. Which I personally think is half the battle won.

    The worst thing anyone could ever do if and when they start gambling is win Big, the best thing that could happen to anyone is Lose once to avoid thinking the big win is just around the corner.
  • riquelme
    riquelme Posts: 304 Forumite
    gamblers anon - http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/meetings/

    there may be a meeting near your partner sunny, alternatively i rang a couple of free helplines. they were really nice but it didnt give me what i wanted.
    i needed to talk to people who had been through it that understood what i was going through.

    i had some great advice like dont try and sort it all out in a day. they are really lovely guys who have been to hell and back it seems. some keep coming back every week for the past 10 years, not because they still gamble because they need that contact, its still difficult for them, daily pressures build up, the slightest thing can trigger them into wanting a bet. some have slip ups but soon get back to being strong.

    believe me its a warm, caring environemnet.
    ive cried in front of 5 men i have never seen before after 5 minutes of meeting them.
    im taking 1 day at a time,

    its a dark lonely place being a gambler, you become selfish when you think you are being sociable.

    theres only 1 winner and thats the bookies and casinos
  • riquelme
    riquelme Posts: 304 Forumite
    fao lufc -

    re: casinos after work - can you think of things to do after work rather than casino? drink with work colleagues? join a gym? invite friends around for a meal? get a dog?

    what im suggesting is that you occupy your time during the dangerous times of day for you. ok some of these may cost a bit of money but when you balance it out with what you could lose then the pet dog is a winner.

    im not trying to talk down to you here, honest just pass on some practical tips that ive picked up myself

    best wishes xx
  • lufcgirl
    lufcgirl Posts: 1,875 Forumite
    Riquelme - Thanks for your advice. Luckily I've curbed it now, last time I went near a casino was about 2/3 weeks ago so I'm getting a lot better.

    I know how everyone is feeling though and even though my debt is not in the scale of everyone elses, the feeling of not being in control of your money and what you spend is the worst ever feeling for me.
  • Pobby
    Pobby Posts: 5,438 Forumite
    Besides GA I would recommend the following sites

    http://www.gamcare.org.uk/ This is UK based and many people use it. Again based in the UK

    http://www.gordonhouse.org.uk/

    This one is based in the USA and is not really moderated. Many post here and attend the chat room for mutual support

    http://www.sfcghub.com/

    Hope the above is helpful.
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