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    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:01 PM
    • 280Posts
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    ALI1973
    MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend
    • #1
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:01 PM
    MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend 3rd Jan 15 at 4:01 PM
    I am at loss of what to do, as I feel torn. My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have children. Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years, but we have tried to maintain telephone contact with FIL, it has been difficult and he has not wanted to speak with the children. DH has visited alone for the past 4 years.

    There are brothers and sisters who all have adult children, only mine are younger. Sisters have pretty much estranged themselves from us, I am not totally sure why, as I have always encouraged DH to keep in touch, but I will admit that eventually I left it to him to converse with his family (as I do with mine).

    Everything regarding the funeral has been told to us (no input from us). Anyway, we have made plans for the funeral, only to be told today by FIL that our children are not welcome.

    We do not have family local to us, and will have to rely on goodwill of friends to watch our children if we both attend, not to mention how upset our children are that they cannot say goodbye. My DH wants me to be with him at the crematorium and the wake after, BUT, I feel I am betraying my children by "socialising" with his family (whom I am very disappointed and angry with) at the wake.

    I know this is not what my MIL would have wanted (we were very close) but quite rightly DH doesn't want to cause a scene, I also though don't want to pretend all is ok when it really is not.

    What would you do?
    Last edited by ALI1973; 07-01-2015 at 6:33 PM.
Page 1
    • GwylimT
    • By GwylimT 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    • 6,227 Posts
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    GwylimT
    • #2
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    • #2
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    He has absolutely no say in who enters a crematorium.
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    • 67,225 Posts
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    PasturesNew
    • #3
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    • #3
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:05 PM
    I'd find a local babysitter to look after them. Take them on the journey, meet the family, then have them carted off for some activity while the event's occurring, then brought back to the house an hour after the wake's started.

    Whether you like it or not, the FIL's wishes are how he wants it - and so you should just not have the children at the funeral. Many people fear that children might be disruptive, inappropriate, or bored etc.
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
    • 280 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    ALI1973
    • #4
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
    • #4
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
    Thank you for the responses.

    FIL doesn't want the children in attendance AT ALL. The obituary has openly invited anyone who wishes to attend. BUT, DH will not go against FIL wishes, and although has tried to reason with him FIL just gets angry.

    So children will have to stay home, DH wants me to be there to support him, I have said I will go to the Crem, but I do not want to go to the wake as I feel I am disrespecting my children by doing so, but DH thinks he is being disrespectful if he doesn't go to the wake, BUT he wants me to go to (I have offered to wait in the car).
    Last edited by ALI1973; 07-01-2015 at 6:33 PM.
    • Flugelhorn
    • By Flugelhorn 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
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    Flugelhorn
    • #5
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
    • #5
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:10 PM
    Funerals are for the people left behind and not the person who died.

    Your FIL has probably had a bad time and has specific wishes about what happens next. Maybe struggling to realise that anyone else is grieving.

    Are you staying over or travelling on the day? Must say 4 hrs makes it hard for you not to stay and that would be hard with the kids and finding care for them.

    Maybe it is going to be a case of the kids perhaps not being at the service and staying at the sister's house while the service is on?
    • Torry Quine
    • By Torry Quine 3rd Jan 15, 4:12 PM
    • 17,253 Posts
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    Torry Quine
    • #6
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:12 PM
    • #6
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:12 PM
    I realise that he is grieving but your children have lost their grandmother and so if they want should be allowed to go to the funeral. They are old enough to know how to behave.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:15 PM
    • 280 Posts
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    ALI1973
    • #7
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:15 PM
    • #7
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:15 PM
    Are you staying over or travelling on the day? Must say 4 hrs makes it hard for you not to stay and that would be hard with the kids and finding care for them.
    Originally posted by Flugelhorn
    We are going to travel in the same day. We do not have any family who would be able to look after the children overnight, and FIL has been very specific that the children don't come at all (it's hard not to take this personally).

    I am trying to find a way that I can in my own good conscience, support my DH whilst also demonstrating (passively) how hurtful this decision is to support my children (after all, any stranger could bring a child with them, but her own blood cant go iyswim?) - DH siblings have not offered any support either way.


    PS: my children definitely know how to behave at a funeral.
    Last edited by ALI1973; 07-01-2015 at 6:34 PM. Reason: extra explaination
    • Marktheshark
    • By Marktheshark 3rd Jan 15, 4:16 PM
    • 5,692 Posts
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    Marktheshark
    • #8
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:16 PM
    • #8
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:16 PM
    Send hubby, job done.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 3rd Jan 15, 4:17 PM
    • 40,089 Posts
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    Savvy_Sue
    • #9
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:17 PM
    • #9
    • 3rd Jan 15, 4:17 PM
    There is a part of me wondering what's the worst thing which could happen if you take the children to the service? You fall out with FIL and SILs. Is that much loss?

    Not sure what I would do personally: probably leave them with friends and stick to DH like a leech, but not stay long at wake as a result.
    Still knitting!
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    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:18 PM
    • 280 Posts
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    ALI1973
    Send hubby, job done.
    Originally posted by Marktheshark
    He doesn't want to go alone, especially as his siblings will have their spouses and children in attendance.

    I am hoping that someone can see an option I haven't thought of that will appease all lol.
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:21 PM
    • 280 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    ALI1973
    There is a part of me wondering what's the worst thing which could happen if you take the children to the service? You fall out with FIL and SILs. Is that much loss?

    Not sure what I would do personally: probably leave them with friends and stick to DH like a leech, but not stay long at wake as a result.
    Originally posted by Savvy_Sue
    No loss for me! - his siblings have never been my cup of tea (some of this is because I got on so well with MIL) - but for DH I am not so sure.

    I think this is probably going to be the only option, but I just don't think I can be civil that long to people who cannot welcome my children when they too are grieving?
    • Old Git
    • By Old Git 3rd Jan 15, 4:27 PM
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    Old Git
    do the children want to go
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 3rd Jan 15, 4:30 PM
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    Mojisola
    My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have 3 children, 14, 13 and 9.

    Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years
    Originally posted by ALI1973
    The children will probably handle not being at the funeral of someone they haven't seen for four years very well if you don't pass on your feelings to them.

    If you can get over the perceived insult and simply tell them that Grandad only wants adults to go the the funeral, they will accept that.

    Plan to have a little 'goodbye' ceremony at home - perhaps plant something in the garden, draw pictures for Nanny and float them up tied to a balloon, or whatever suits them.

    As far as the funeral and wake goes, it sounds like one of those situations where we put on a suitable face and play the part to support our OHs, even if it's all through gritted teeth.
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:31 PM
    • 280 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    ALI1973
    do the children want to go
    Originally posted by Old Git
    Yes! - they wanted to say goodbye to their Gran, but they have been very grown-up and have accepted that their Granddad doesn't want them to attend. They are very upset, and we have tried to explain that Granddad isn't doing so well after Grandma's death (although, I can help but find it odd that he can cope with strangers going but not his own grandchildren.
    Last edited by ALI1973; 07-01-2015 at 6:35 PM.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 3rd Jan 15, 4:35 PM
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    Mojisola
    Yes! - they wanted to say goodbye to their Gran, but they have been very grown-up and have accepted that their Granddad doesn't want them to attend. They are very upset, and we have tried to explain that Granddad isn't doing so well after Grandma's death (although, I can help but find it odd that he can cope with strangers going but not his own grandchildren (step but always treated him as full)?
    Originally posted by ALI1973
    I can. I can imagine him being able to cope with strangers/acquaintances at the funeral but thinking he might not be able to hold his emotions in check if he sees the grandchildren upset.
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:36 PM
    • 280 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    ALI1973
    Plan to have a little 'goodbye' ceremony at home - perhaps plant something in the garden, draw pictures for Nanny and float them up tied to a balloon, or whatever suits them*.

    As far as the funeral and wake goes, it sounds like one of those situations where we put on a suitable face and play the part to support our OHs, even if it's all through gritted teeth.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    *This is a nice idea, think we will do that.

    I know I should just suck it up, but I am finding it really hard not to feel resentful, and this worries me, in so much, that if asked why the children aren't there I am likely to launch into a tirade, which would be inappropriate.

    I guess I just don't understand why anyone would actively deny another persons right to mourn?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 3rd Jan 15, 4:39 PM
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    Mojisola
    I know I should just suck it up, but I am finding it really hard not to feel resentful, and this worries me, in so much, that if asked why the children aren't there I am likely to launch into a tirade, which would be inappropriate.

    I guess I just don't understand why anyone would actively deny another persons right to mourn?
    Originally posted by ALI1973
    He's not - he just asking that they don't come to the funeral.

    We've had a cluster of deaths in the family the last couple of years and found that people don't behave rationally when they are grieving and I give anyone in that situation a lot of leeway.

    He may have a good reason - worried about being able to keep a stiff upper lip or having had a horrible experience as a child himself at a funeral - or it may be a totally irrational decision.
    • ALI1973
    • By ALI1973 3rd Jan 15, 4:39 PM
    • 280 Posts
    • 281 Thanks
    ALI1973
    I can. I can imagine him being able to cope with strangers/acquaintances at the funeral but thinking he might not be able to hold his emotions in check if he sees the grandchildren upset.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    Why would he need to keep his emotions in check? for me, the funeral is the beginning of the grieving process and I would have thought that everyone accepts that there are tears going to be flowing?
    • PasturesNew
    • By PasturesNew 3rd Jan 15, 4:40 PM
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    PasturesNew
    Could the kids be shipped off to their other grandparents for a visit, including overnight? Leaving you and your OH to attend without pressures of returning - and without leaving first/early from the wake?

    You're turning into a bit of an "all about me" person otherwise. Funeralzilla style.
    • themull1
    • By themull1 3rd Jan 15, 4:41 PM
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    themull1
    You don't have to be at a funeral to mourn the loss of someone. Stay at home with the kids, Your OH can explain to his relatives that his dad didnt want the stepkids? there, he's an adult, i'm sure he'll manage. There's nothing stopping you going to the crematorium at a later date as a family?
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