Loveless Marriages

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  • Thankyou all so much. He has never paid much attention to the kids. He says I’m his world since he found out how I was feeling.......
  • onwards&upwards
    onwards&upwards Posts: 3,423
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    People who genuinely want to kill themselves don’t tend to threaten it, or use it to manipulate other people.
  • mark5
    mark5 Posts: 1,361
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    I left one a couple of years back and have no regrets, my ex has slagged me off to anyone who will listen and I got screwed financially but I’m much happier in general these days.

    I’m with someone else now and I can see my previous relationship wasn’t healthy or good for me.

    It took me a couple of years from when I first figured out I wasn’t happy in the marriage to the time I left.
  • Thanks for all your replies. It’s helpful to get other people’s views.
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620
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    You should never give in to the emotional blackmail of threatened suicide.of yiur hisband has behaved badly to you in the past and has lost your respect and love, the best thing he can do is to seek counselling to gain a better self awareness so that that he can change his behaviour in the future and make a new life for himself.

    If you're finding g it hard to make the break try it in easy stages, getting used to a few ho,lidays alone or for single people which might help to gain the confidence to make a complete break..

    Many people stay in a loveless marriage because they cannot afford to separate. This doesn,t seem to be the reason in your case. Perhaps your Self confidence has been battered? Try and rebuild a social life for yourself which excludes your husband. Making a permanent break might then seem less overwhelming.

    Have you taken your adult children into your confidence. They may be more aware of the current situation than you realise. They now have their own lives to lead and I suspect might be more accepting of it than you possibly suspect.
  • Thankyou all.

    Primrose I have a social circle which is a group of girlfriends. I’m taking my 2nd ever girly holiday in Oct. another friend and I have been discussing a night away to go walking for over a year and when I told my husband I was thinking of booking this next weekend he started crying and saying I was slipping away. I very rarely leave the house but due to my MH counselling I’m trying to do something each week just for me. This is very out of character for me as I’m usually doing for everyone else.
  • Primrose
    Primrose Posts: 10,620
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    edited 11 May 2019 at 6:02PM
    Suzie. You're doing well then and are on the right road. Don,t expect an immediate rush of increased self confidence. These things take time and it's quite normal to feel anxious and timid about taking big steps to change your future.

    Your husband needs to face the reality. Yes, you ARE slipping away and if he can,t make the effort to restore some affection back into yiur marriage. - to be honest it sounds too late for this but would yiu be prepared to try if he made the effort? He needs to realise that he perhaps needs to be doing the same.

    Is there a local walking group you could join?

    Have the pair of you ever sat down and had a REALLY SERIOUS discussion about what has gone wrong in your marriage? Have you ever told him specifically what your expectations are so that he knows what he should be aiming for? This sounds a pretty basic requirement in any relationship but there are some people who find it impossible to specifically articulate their needs .

    Are you eve friends? Do you do little things for each other? Have general interesting conversations ? Go out on little outings together, for short walks etc.? What was it that attracted yiu to each other in the early days. Why did this die? I,m wondering what his "bad behaviour in the past" was which seems to have been the turning point in yiur relationship and what, if anything, he did to try and make amends.

    Its very hard to offer constructive comments when one knows so little about why it all started to go wrong.
  • hazyjo
    hazyjo Posts: 15,468
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    It's a form of control, threatening suicide. I have had it done to me a couple of times, and a friend's ex actually did overdose, but it's absolutely no excuse to stay with someone. I refuse to be bullied into staying with anyone.
    2023 wins: *must start comping again!*
  • Primrose

    A little background.

    I’ve raised my children like a single parent and fighting for every penny from him. I’ve let him get away with being selfish living like a single man for so long so have my part to play in this.
    I told him 2 years ago I was leaving (and meant it) but with the suicide threat I backed out. Since then he has mostly treated me like a princess but is still quite mean with money. I would give my last penny away so I do struggle with meanness. Anyhow my feelings have not returned and I’m starting to resent him. I no longer fancy him either I’m afraid to say. He is out of shape being a big smoker, drinker & eating rubbish all the time. I don’t feel that my feelings will come back after all this time. It’s too late ......
  • candygirl
    candygirl Posts: 29,455
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    Thankyou all.

    Primrose I have a social circle which is a group of girlfriends. I’m taking my 2nd ever girly holiday in Oct. another friend and I have been discussing a night away to go walking for over a year and when I told my husband I was thinking of booking this next weekend he started crying and saying I was slipping away. I very rarely leave the house but due to my MH counselling I’m trying to do something each week just for me. This is very out of character for me as I’m usually doing for everyone else.

    He started crying??:eek: This is emotional abuse hun! Everyone should be allowed to have time away from their partners, without this kind of maniplulation:(
    I hope you still go x
    "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf"

    (Kabat-Zinn 2004):D:D:D
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