My husband wants to leave me if I don’t have more children

BBH123 wrote: »

What if the second baby is disabled.

A valid point. You're not just prone to one thing and one thing only that may go wrong. Anything could happen - a baby could be born with a disability or illness, or something unforeseen like being starved of oxygen during birth, premature, or even an accident early on! You never know what's round the corner. What would your husband do then? If I thought I was with someone who wouldn't support and love us no matter what, he'd be out the door.

My cousin had a baby with Downs last year. They're in their 20s. It was missed entirely until way too late to even consider abortion. Sadly the baby lived for less than 6 months (hospital's negligence).

Your husband seems to think he's immune from lightning striking twice.

I think there are a number of issues you need to go through, firstly the fertility one and the impact of using donor eggs, the second the implication of having another child whilst raising a disabled one, and thirdly, your relationship (which will need to be solid if you are to go through it).


Although I agree that relationship counselling is a good idea, I think you might also need to have fertility counselling as this is very specialised and a general relationship counsellor might not fully take on the implications. My understanding is that if you are under the care of a fertility consultant, you should have access to their counselling service.


I think this could help your OH coming to term with the fact that it might not happen through no fault of yours, and for you to be fully committed to using donor eggs and to have a baby that wouldn't be genetically yours which is a hard decision. They will also help with exploring the implication of considering natural conception, genetic testing and potential medical abortion.


Whatever you do, you need to do it together 100% for it to lead to a positive outcome.

I'd tell husband to grow up and also to get stuffed.
By the way having a child just to look after existing child an absolutely appalling idea.

The problem with a 'dreamer' like that = what 'is' will never be good enough...IF you decide to proceed and IF you have a 'normal' child that is no guarantee that s/he would be exactly the child your husband wants...children are not mini-me's or there to fulfil their parent's dreams or ambitions...and then what will that mean? another ultimatum and further distress and suffering...much heart to heart needed because IF your marriage survives this HOW will you both move forward...how will you trust him to stay and BE a father to your living, breathing, child and a husband to you?

There are no easy answers...because the emotional, practical and financial impacts are so big. Some sort of counselling would be a good start, even if you go alone to begin with...

Crazy_Diamond wrote: »

My husband has been putting lots of pressure on me to make a decision. He basically said that he wants a ‘proper family’ and that if I do not have another child he will find a surrogate or a new partner.

It sounds like he has some issues which need resolving BEFORE any decision to increase the size of your family are made. I'd try to ascertain why he thinks it is acceptable to threaten leaving you if he doesn't get his way. That isn't grounds for a healthy marriage in my view.

But people do sometimes say things they don't mean when they are afraid of communicating their true feelings. It seems to me he may have some underlying feelings of inadequacy.