MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

ALI1973 · 3 January 2015 at 6:01PM

I am at loss of what to do, as I feel torn. My much loved MIL passed away last week after years of suffering. They live 4 hrs away. I have children. Due to the circumstances of her illness, they have not seen her for 4 years, but we have tried to maintain telephone contact with FIL, it has been difficult and he has not wanted to speak with the children. DH has visited alone for the past 4 years.

There are brothers and sisters who all have adult children, only mine are younger. Sisters have pretty much estranged themselves from us, I am not totally sure why, as I have always encouraged DH to keep in touch, but I will admit that eventually I left it to him to converse with his family (as I do with mine).

Everything regarding the funeral has been told to us (no input from us). Anyway, we have made plans for the funeral, only to be told today by FIL that our children are not welcome.

We do not have family local to us, and will have to rely on goodwill of friends to watch our children if we both attend, not to mention how upset our children are that they cannot say goodbye. My DH wants me to be with him at the crematorium and the wake after, BUT, I feel I am betraying my children by "socialising" with his family (whom I am very disappointed and angry with) at the wake.

I know this is not what my MIL would have wanted (we were very close) but quite rightly DH doesn't want to cause a scene, I also though don't want to pretend all is ok when it really is not.

What would you do?

GwylimT · 3 January 2015 at 6:05PM

He has absolutely no say in who enters a crematorium.

PasturesNew · 3 January 2015 at 6:05PM

I'd find a local babysitter to look after them. Take them on the journey, meet the family, then have them carted off for some activity while the event's occurring, then brought back to the house an hour after the wake's started.

Whether you like it or not, the FIL's wishes are how he wants it - and so you should just not have the children at the funeral. Many people fear that children might be disruptive, inappropriate, or bored etc.

ALI1973 · 3 January 2015 at 6:10PM

Thank you for the responses.

FIL doesn't want the children in attendance AT ALL. The obituary has openly invited anyone who wishes to attend. BUT, DH will not go against FIL wishes, and although has tried to reason with him FIL just gets angry.

So children will have to stay home, DH wants me to be there to support him, I have said I will go to the Crem, but I do not want to go to the wake as I feel I am disrespecting my children by doing so, but DH thinks he is being disrespectful if he doesn't go to the wake, BUT he wants me to go to (I have offered to wait in the car).

Flugelhorn · 3 January 2015 at 6:10PM

Funerals are for the people left behind and not the person who died.

Your FIL has probably had a bad time and has specific wishes about what happens next. Maybe struggling to realise that anyone else is grieving.

Are you staying over or travelling on the day? Must say 4 hrs makes it hard for you not to stay and that would be hard with the kids and finding care for them.

Maybe it is going to be a case of the kids perhaps not being at the service and staying at the sister's house while the service is on?

Torry_Quine · 3 January 2015 at 6:12PM

I realise that he is grieving but your children have lost their grandmother and so if they want should be allowed to go to the funeral. They are old enough to know how to behave.

ALI1973 · 3 January 2015 at 6:15PM

Flugelhorn wrote: »

Are you staying over or travelling on the day? Must say 4 hrs makes it hard for you not to stay and that would be hard with the kids and finding care for them.

We are going to travel in the same day. We do not have any family who would be able to look after the children overnight, and FIL has been very specific that the children don't come at all (it's hard not to take this personally).

I am trying to find a way that I can in my own good conscience, support my DH whilst also demonstrating (passively) how hurtful this decision is to support my children (after all, any stranger could bring a child with them, but her own blood cant go iyswim?) - DH siblings have not offered any support either way.

PS: my children definitely know how to behave at a funeral.

Marktheshark · 3 January 2015 at 6:16PM

Send hubby, job done.

Savvy_Sue · 3 January 2015 at 6:17PM

There is a part of me wondering what's the worst thing which could happen if you take the children to the service? You fall out with FIL and SILs. Is that much loss?

Not sure what I would do personally: probably leave them with friends and stick to DH like a leech, but not stay long at wake as a result.

ALI1973 · 3 January 2015 at 6:18PM

Marktheshark wrote: »

Send hubby, job done.

He doesn't want to go alone, especially as his siblings will have their spouses and children in attendance.

I am hoping that someone can see an option I haven't thought of that will appease all lol.

ALI1973 · 3 January 2015 at 6:21PM

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

There is a part of me wondering what's the worst thing which could happen if you take the children to the service? You fall out with FIL and SILs. Is that much loss?

Not sure what I would do personally: probably leave them with friends and stick to DH like a leech, but not stay long at wake as a result.

No loss for me! - his siblings have never been my cup of tea (some of this is because I got on so well with MIL) - but for DH I am not so sure.

I think this is probably going to be the only option, but I just don't think I can be civil that long to people who cannot welcome my children when they too are grieving?

MIL funeral, but FIL won't allow my children to attend

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