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  • FIRST POST
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 1:47 PM
    • 123Posts
    • 242Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Age Gap Relationships
    • #1
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:47 PM
    Age Gap Relationships 10th Jan 19 at 1:47 PM
    My partner and I have been a couple for almost 2 years. We've known each other for around 10 years as we work for the same company and formed a firm friendship during those years. Since my marriage broke down and he was long-term separated we decided to give a relationship a try.
    I have no regrets about this but as there is a 16 year age gap between us (I'm almost 36 and he is 51). I've noticed there seems to be quite a bit of non-verbal and verbal judgement, which I've found a little hard to deal with. We often receive strange looks from an older generation and comments towards him, such as "you're punching above your weight". It can be quite upsetting.


    My parents have 13 years between them so I grew up not judging such relationships but I feel this is not the case for others.
    I have no children and he has a 20 year old son, who has completely accepted me and we've become mates.


    Has anyone else in an age gap relationship had similar findings? I want to find a way to care less about what people think and I feel a little alone in that respect.
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Page 3
    • Alan2020
    • By Alan2020 11th Jan 19, 4:25 AM
    • 252 Posts
    • 147 Thanks
    Alan2020
    Just ignore!!

    As long as it is legal it’s fine!!!

    I find the best way to deal with idiots who say how bad it is to say, you know what I am a gold digger and he’s my sugar daddy ha ha

    Wife was lectured by someone that a certain fruit was too strong to wean our child and she was upset, told her to say next time not to worry as we wean on jalapeños and child loves it. Other woman no longer comments lol

    Just enjoy your life, you know what you both want. Forget people trying to split you up, they are bitter, sad, jealous people.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 11th Jan 19, 7:10 AM
    • 21,758 Posts
    • 58,890 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Are you sure that this relationship is what you want OP?

    I ask this because, if one is completely confident in their convictions then they have no qualms with other peoples thoughts about it

    If a person has the courage of their convictions then no one else's opinion matters.

    It is called Marching to the Beat of your own Drum

    Honestly even asking such questions marks you down as insecure in my view. Nothing wrong with the age gap, however
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider
    I think the OP has acknowledged she's "always been a little under-confident in her life" but I don't think that necessarily translates into being insecure in the realtionship.
    And I don't think being under-confident and being upset about thoughtless (at best) comments means the relationship may not be right for her.

    I don't think the OP has mentioned what her partner thinks about these comments - if he is even aware of them.
    That would be interesting to read.


    I think the OP needs to pull on her big girl pants and stop accepting these judgemental comments.
    And stop them in such a way that the people making them will learn very quickly that they are not welcome.

    There is a downside - already discussed - about age gap relationships as people get older.

    My previous relationship was with a man the same age as me but in truth I married Peter Pan. My partner now offers me stability, fun, honesty, and a wiser look on life. I feel safer with him, even to the point that I feel like an older man was meant for me.
    Originally posted by Jo3y83
    I think this balance may change in time.
    As long as the OP is prepared to step up if/when the time comes, I can't see anything wrong.
    • charlotte1994
    • By charlotte1994 11th Jan 19, 11:04 AM
    • 600 Posts
    • 1,195 Thanks
    charlotte1994
    Nothing wrong with an age gap! I wish you the best of luck



    Also I'm quite jealous as I love older men
    • Alter ego
    • By Alter ego 11th Jan 19, 11:07 AM
    • 2,571 Posts
    • 2,544 Thanks
    Alter ego
    The rule is twice your age minus 7.

    So if youre 8 you can be with an 11 year old.

    If youre 16 you can be with someone up to 25 years old.

    Youre 35 so can be tapping up blokes that are 63 if you so wished.

    There nothing at all iffy about your age gap and im surprised youre getting comments/looks. If you want to make yourself feel any better, blokes skin tends to age more slowly than womens. So whilst he will age as he does, your body will be trying to catch him up! Give it another 5-10 years and youll look closer in age.
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    So my wife can be with 121 year old when I pop off.
    Loose means not tight, Lose means something is lost, simples no?
    Ignore me if you like, it's not the real me anyway.
    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 11th Jan 19, 11:47 AM
    • 15,886 Posts
    • 22,220 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    My wife is younger than me by some margin. It hasn't been an issue for me. If my wife has had any issues or critical comments, she hasn't mentioned them.

    Wider than average age gaps are almost the norm on both sides of our family though.
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 11th Jan 19, 11:55 AM
    • 7,687 Posts
    • 8,322 Thanks
    Comms69
    Typically 3-5 years is the age gap to 'aim' for.


    But that has more to do with being in similar places in life than anything else. Whatever works; it's no-one's business.
    • woolythoughts
    • By woolythoughts 11th Jan 19, 12:19 PM
    • 137 Posts
    • 119 Thanks
    woolythoughts
    I'm 43 and DH is 59. He had kids from a previous marriage and I don't want them so happy days.

    I'm older than his eldest daughter by 6 years.

    Sometimes if people give us "looks" we play on it and I call him daddy.

    Likely he will die before me but I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or get cancer! Who knows - my dad died young of cancer which taught me that life is too short.

    he makes me happy and thats all that matters
    • charlotte1994
    • By charlotte1994 11th Jan 19, 1:49 PM
    • 600 Posts
    • 1,195 Thanks
    charlotte1994
    I used to have a thing for Jack Klugman (Quincy) a few decades ago. He was nothing to look at but it was the confidence in himself and the quiet and gentle nature he had on screen.

    Then Patrick Stewart (Cpt Jean Luc Picard). Same forthright manner but gentle at the same time.

    Whilst the same nature attracts me these days the appeal of an older man does nothing for me now.

    People judge you whatever you do. The only people who matter are those who matter (if that makes sense).
    Originally posted by Organza_Lace
    Yes I think you're right, the way older men present themselves can be very attractive! When I first told my friends I had a boyfriend most of them asked "how old is he?"
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 1:54 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Just remember the quotes - no-one can make you feel inferior without your consent and life is too short to live it for other people.



    Love this!
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    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 11th Jan 19, 1:55 PM
    • 8,898 Posts
    • 29,118 Thanks
    DigForVictory
    Your work HR is not fussed?
    His son has completely accepted you?
    Your parents have set you a positive example & encourage this relationship?
    You're happy apart from outbreaks of self-doubt?

    Grab onto this with both hands & only let go when the coffin lid has to be fastened.

    And those snide comment droppers now? Should be verbally stomped on, but anyway in another decade will be challenged to notice unless they have set themselves a reminder to be pretty. (I have a bad feeling some exist, but can't prove it.)
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 1:55 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    I have 2 friends. Friend A is in a long term, settled relationship with a man old enough to be her grandfather and friend B married a man just 3 years older than her.

    Friend B woke up on New Year's Day with her husband (in his 30s) dead beside her in bed.

    Age isn't everything, it's hardly anything. Are you both happy?
    Originally posted by GlasweJen

    Oh my goodness, how sad for your friend Yes, we are happy
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 2:00 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Are you sure that this relationship is what you want OP?

    I ask this because, if one is completely confident in their convictions then they have no qualms with other peoples thoughts about it

    If a person has the courage of their convictions then no one else's opinion matters.

    It is called Marching to the Beat of your own Drum

    Honestly even asking such questions marks you down as insecure in my view. Nothing wrong with the age gap, however
    Originally posted by pickledonionspaceraider

    I lack confidence in myself, always have done. And I've always cared about what other people think. I'm having self-esteem therapy for that. Hopefully, it will change how I think a little about other's comments or judgements.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 2:02 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    I think the OP has acknowledged she's "always been a little under-confident in her life" but I don't think that necessarily translates into being insecure in the realtionship.
    And I don't think being under-confident and being upset about thoughtless (at best) comments means the relationship may not be right for her.

    I don't think the OP has mentioned what her partner thinks about these comments - if he is even aware of them.
    That would be interesting to read.



    Thank you My partner couldn't care less about the comments. He's aware of some of them as some 'friends' have said to his face (when he's introduced me to them) "top batting, you're punching above your weight". I really don't like it as I feel it's hurtful but he is not interested in other's comments. He considers himself lucky to be with me and he's happy.


    I think the OP needs to pull on her big girl pants and stop accepting these judgemental comments.
    And stop them in such a way that the people making them will learn very quickly that they are not welcome.



    I'd agree with you here!

    There is a downside - already discussed - about age gap relationships as people get older.


    I think this balance may change in time.
    As long as the OP is prepared to step up if/when the time comes, I can't see anything wrong.
    Originally posted by Pollycat

    I would definitely step up, I love him.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 2:04 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Your work HR is not fussed?
    His son has completely accepted you?
    Your parents have set you a positive example & encourage this relationship?
    You're happy apart from outbreaks of self-doubt?

    Grab onto this with both hands & only let go when the coffin lid has to be fastened.

    And those snide comment droppers now? Should be verbally stomped on, but anyway in another decade will be challenged to notice unless they have set themselves a reminder to be pretty. (I have a bad feeling some exist, but can't prove it.)
    Originally posted by DigForVictory

    Thank you so much
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 2:06 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    I'm 43 and DH is 59. He had kids from a previous marriage and I don't want them so happy days.

    I'm older than his eldest daughter by 6 years.

    Sometimes if people give us "looks" we play on it and I call him daddy.

    Likely he will die before me but I could be hit by a bus tomorrow or get cancer! Who knows - my dad died young of cancer which taught me that life is too short.

    he makes me happy and thats all that matters
    Originally posted by woolythoughts

    Thank you You sound in a similar relationship in how things are good
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    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 11th Jan 19, 2:19 PM
    • 31,973 Posts
    • 62,841 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    A friend of mine has been married twice, the first time to someone about twelve years older, the second time to someone about twenty years younger. Both marriages failed.

    The first was nothing to do with the age gap. The second one was, although the spouse was so young I think they just grew up and didn't want to be married any more.

    My own personal feeling is that age need not make a difference. Just ignore all the naysayers.
    Member #10 of £2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
    • snickersbars
    • By snickersbars 11th Jan 19, 2:21 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 18 Thanks
    snickersbars
    Long time lurker here.

    I am in my late 20s and my partner is in early 70s. We have been together for 2 years. Yes, we do get the odd weird look. Yes, I do get asked what my 'dad' would like in cafes etc. Yes, we are aware that short of tragedy, he will go a lot earlier than I will. No, I'm not a gold digger (am better off than he is). But so what? OP, just enjoy the relationship while it lasts!
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 11th Jan 19, 4:16 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Thank you all so much! My confidence has grown after reading all your stories and age-gap relationship advice


    Love has no boundaries - amen to that
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    • Gloomendoom
    • By Gloomendoom 11th Jan 19, 5:37 PM
    • 15,886 Posts
    • 22,220 Thanks
    Gloomendoom
    Thank you My partner couldn't care less about the comments. He's aware of some of them as some 'friends' have said to his face (when he's introduced me to them) "top batting, you're punching above your weight". I really don't like it as I feel it's hurtful but he is not interested in other's comments. He considers himself lucky to be with me and he's happy.
    Originally posted by Jo3y83
    You do realise that they are paying him a compliment? It's not something likely to upset a man. Quite the opposite.

    It could be worse.

    {Edited by Forum Team}
    Last edited by MSE Tine; 14-01-2019 at 10:31 AM. Reason: {Edited by Forum Team}
    Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.” - Mark Twain
    • clairec79
    • By clairec79 11th Jan 19, 9:09 PM
    • 2,447 Posts
    • 6,394 Thanks
    clairec79
    I'm not sure of the age gap between my SIL and her husband but I suspect it it greater than yours

    Only time it's ever been a joking point or any comments thoughts made about the age gap was when he became a grandfather - and that was more to wind her up at becoming at grandmother at 31
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