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  • FIRST POST
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 1:47 PM
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    Jo3y83
    Age Gap Relationships
    • #1
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:47 PM
    Age Gap Relationships 10th Jan 19 at 1:47 PM
    My partner and I have been a couple for almost 2 years. We've known each other for around 10 years as we work for the same company and formed a firm friendship during those years. Since my marriage broke down and he was long-term separated we decided to give a relationship a try.
    I have no regrets about this but as there is a 16 year age gap between us (I'm almost 36 and he is 51). I've noticed there seems to be quite a bit of non-verbal and verbal judgement, which I've found a little hard to deal with. We often receive strange looks from an older generation and comments towards him, such as "you're punching above your weight". It can be quite upsetting.


    My parents have 13 years between them so I grew up not judging such relationships but I feel this is not the case for others.
    I have no children and he has a 20 year old son, who has completely accepted me and we've become mates.


    Has anyone else in an age gap relationship had similar findings? I want to find a way to care less about what people think and I feel a little alone in that respect.
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Page 1
    • oystercatcher
    • By oystercatcher 10th Jan 19, 1:55 PM
    • 1,790 Posts
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    oystercatcher
    • #2
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:55 PM
    • #2
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:55 PM
    Just ignore any negative comments, after a while people will get used to you as a couple and won't notice there is any difference.

    If you react then you will make any 'discussion' go on for longer.
    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 10th Jan 19, 1:58 PM
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    spadoosh
    • #3
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:58 PM
    • #3
    • 10th Jan 19, 1:58 PM
    The rule is twice your age minus 7.

    So if youre 8 you can be with an 11 year old.

    If youre 16 you can be with someone up to 25 years old.

    Youre 35 so can be tapping up blokes that are 63 if you so wished.

    There nothing at all iffy about your age gap and im surprised youre getting comments/looks. If you want to make yourself feel any better, blokes skin tends to age more slowly than womens. So whilst he will age as he does, your body will be trying to catch him up! Give it another 5-10 years and youll look closer in age.
    Don't be angry!
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:07 PM
    • 123 Posts
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    Jo3y83
    • #4
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:07 PM
    • #4
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:07 PM
    Just ignore any negative comments, after a while people will get used to you as a couple and won't notice there is any difference.

    If you react then you will make any 'discussion' go on for longer.
    Originally posted by oystercatcher

    Thank you My parents were the ones that encouraged the relationship if it was what we wanted.


    Others are a little less nice Sometimes I get asked what the age gap is and when I tell them the response is "16 years!!" as if it's some kind of crime.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:08 PM
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    Jo3y83
    • #5
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:08 PM
    • #5
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:08 PM
    The rule is twice your age minus 7.

    So if youre 8 you can be with an 11 year old.

    If youre 16 you can be with someone up to 25 years old.

    Youre 35 so can be tapping up blokes that are 63 if you so wished.

    There nothing at all iffy about your age gap and im surprised youre getting comments/looks. If you want to make yourself feel any better, blokes skin tends to age more slowly than womens. So whilst he will age as he does, your body will be trying to catch him up! Give it another 5-10 years and youll look closer in age.
    Originally posted by spadoosh

    Thank you I've always been a little unconfident in my life and sometimes I allow others' comments and looks to affect me in a negative way. I'm glad the age gap isn't that unusual though. Although with some of the looks we get you'd think it was!
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    • Sea Shell
    • By Sea Shell 10th Jan 19, 2:15 PM
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    Sea Shell
    • #6
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:15 PM
    • #6
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:15 PM
    No one's business but yours.

    Practically though, I think it becomes harder as you get older, if you are at very different stages of life/work/health than your partner.
    " That pound I saved yesterday, is a pound I don't have to earn tomorrow "
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:18 PM
    • 123 Posts
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    Jo3y83
    • #7
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:18 PM
    • #7
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:18 PM
    No one's business but yours. Thank you

    Practically though, I think it becomes harder as you get older, if you are at very different stages of life/work/health than your partner.
    Originally posted by Sea Shell
    My mum said something similar. My parents have been married for 37 years and she has mentioned to me that as my dad has gotten older the age gap has shown a little more for various reasons.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:24 PM
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    Jo3y83
    • #8
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:24 PM
    • #8
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:24 PM
    Dont think i could face an 103 year old partner.

    I could cope with being a younger woman i think well i was married to a man who was a fair few years older than me but as for being an older woman....i'd be scared he'd be more attracted to women his own age than me. What do you tell his Mum who probably isnt that much older than me?

    What happens when your old and frail and your partner is still young enough to be out there enjoying life?
    Originally posted by Organza_Lace

    I'm sorry but I'm unsure if this needs answering by me or the original poster?
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    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 10th Jan 19, 2:26 PM
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    bugslet
    • #9
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:26 PM
    • #9
    • 10th Jan 19, 2:26 PM
    Either I was not switched on to everyone else, or no-one was daft enough to make remarks, but I sailed through my 28 years with my 23 years older than me partner, without anyone making comments.

    Take no notice, they'll get bored.

    EDit, since people ask about what you do when the older partner gets frailer/ill. Well you are either in it for a quick shag or you are in it through thick and thin, so when the bad stuff happens, you get on with it and accept it. Mr Bugs fell ill with dementia. I'd always worked on the principle that he would be likely to go before me, so I just cared for him the best I could until it came time for him to go into a care home.

    And in life there are no certainties, you could be the rare case of someone much younger falling ill whilst the older partner is still reasonably fit and healthy.
    Last edited by bugslet; 10-01-2019 at 2:30 PM.
    • comeandgo
    • By comeandgo 10th Jan 19, 2:29 PM
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    comeandgo
    I could have written your post 25 years ago. My husband and I have been married 15 years now. There are always going to be little things that happen because of the age difference. Our latest was the consultant at the hospital who quizzed me a bit to make sure I was mr, comeandgo's wife, not daughter, before he told me some medical issues there were.
    Enjoy each other while you can, now the age difference has caught up with us and my husband is failing but at least I am young enough to care for him.
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:30 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    Either I was not switched on to everyone else, or no-one was daft enough to make remarks, but I sailed through my 28 years with my 23 years older than me partner, without anyone making comments.

    Take no notice, they'll get bored.
    Originally posted by bugslet

    Good for you I'd love to feel that way, not notice the looks or remarks. Maybe I'm being too sensitive? So pleased to hear it worked long term for you - I know age gap relationships can have a stigma and some people are not overly accepting but you steamed through
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    • bugslet
    • By bugslet 10th Jan 19, 2:33 PM
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    bugslet
    Good for you I'd love to feel that way, not notice the looks or remarks. Maybe I'm being too sensitive? So pleased to hear it worked long term for you - I know age gap relationships can have a stigma and some people are not overly accepting but you steamed through
    Originally posted by Jo3y83
    I edited it to add in some stuff about health.

    To answer your quote, I find a lot of women aren't like me, I tend to take no rubbish. I'm not rude or aggressive, but people wouldn't be making any smart a*** comments to me
    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:34 PM
    • 123 Posts
    • 242 Thanks
    Jo3y83
    I could have written your post 25 years ago. My husband and I have been married 15 years now. There are always going to be little things that happen because of the age difference. Our latest was the consultant at the hospital who quizzed me a bit to make sure I was mr, comeandgo's wife, not daughter, before he told me some medical issues there were.
    Enjoy each other while you can, now the age difference has caught up with us and my husband is failing but at least I am young enough to care for him.
    Originally posted by comeandgo

    Thank you. Yes, I've had similar things; I've opened the front door to "is your dad in"


    I'm sorry to read that your husband is failing, I hope things pick up for him and you x
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:36 PM
    • 123 Posts
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    Jo3y83
    Either I was not switched on to everyone else, or no-one was daft enough to make remarks, but I sailed through my 28 years with my 23 years older than me partner, without anyone making comments.

    Take no notice, they'll get bored.

    EDit, since people ask about what you do when the older partner gets frailer/ill. Well you are either in it for a quick shag or you are in it through thick and thin, so when the bad stuff happens, you get on with it and accept it. Mr Bugs fell ill with dementia. I'd always worked on the principle that he would be likely to go before me, so I just cared for him the best I could until it came time for him to go into a care home.

    And in life there are no certainties, you could be the rare case of someone much younger falling ill whilst the older partner is still reasonably fit and healthy.
    Originally posted by bugslet

    Thank you - definitely thick and thin. I couldn't imagine not being with him now. He's my best friend. I have come to a realisation that it is possible he will go before me. But, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow so who knows!
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    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 10th Jan 19, 2:36 PM
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    BBH123
    Its no ones business but your own but for me personally I wouldn't want it , having said that its easy to say when you haven't found someone older.


    Selfishly I want to travel and do things in retirement but I could either end up with someone still working and not free if they are younger or being cared for if they are older.


    I also think the issue of children needs discussing if the relationship becomes serious, you have a man who at 51 may not want more children and even if he does is it fair that they have a dad of 70 when they are 19. That's two generations difference. This part I speak from experience as my dad had another child from a second marriage at 48 and the child ( adult now ) hated his dad being so much older than his friends dads.


    I think you really have to go into it eyes open but if you can overcome any possible pitfalls and accept things as they are then go for it.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:44 PM
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    Jo3y83
    Its no ones business but your own but for me personally I wouldn't want it , having said that its easy to say when you haven't found someone older.


    Selfishly I want to travel and do things in retirement but I could either end up with someone still working and not free if they are younger or being cared for if they are older.


    I also think the issue of children needs discussing if the relationship becomes serious, you have a man who at 51 may not want more children and even if he does is it fair that they have a dad of 70 when they are 19. That's two generations difference. This part I speak from experience as my dad had another child from a second marriage at 48 and the child ( adult now ) hated his dad being so much older than his friends dads.


    I think you really have to go into it eyes open but if you can overcome any possible pitfalls and accept things as they are then go for it.
    Originally posted by BBH123

    Before we became a couple he told me he didn't want anymore children and I was and still am ok with that. I've said to him that if my feelings change and I want children then that spells the end of the relationship and we both understand that. However, at the moment, I do not have a burning desire for children so we'll cross that bridge if we get to it.


    My previous relationship was with a man the same age as me but in truth I married Peter Pan. My partner now offers me stability, fun, honesty, and a wiser look on life. I feel safer with him, even to the point that I feel like an older man was meant for me.
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    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 10th Jan 19, 2:47 PM
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    ViolaLass
    The rule is twice your age minus 7.

    So if youre 8 you can be with an 11 year old.

    If youre 16 you can be with someone up to 25 years old.

    Youre 35 so can be tapping up blokes that are 63 if you so wished.

    There nothing at all iffy about your age gap and im surprised youre getting comments/looks. If you want to make yourself feel any better, blokes skin tends to age more slowly than womens. So whilst he will age as he does, your body will be trying to catch him up! Give it another 5-10 years and youll look closer in age.
    Originally posted by spadoosh
    It's a bit daft to suggest that there are 'rules' (once both parties are over 16) for this kind of thing.

    A 35 may go out with anyone who they like and who likes them (subject, again, to legal limits). Telling people 'but the rule is...' isn't going to stop comments (which shouldn't happen because that's rude).
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 10th Jan 19, 2:48 PM
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    BBH123
    TBH in the great scheme of things you don't have a massive gap its not like 25+ years and you have known each other as friends first so know what each other wants out of the relationship.


    Why dont you just enjoy each other and see what becomes of things without putting so much pressure on yourself over age which is just a number afterall.
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    • Jo3y83
    • By Jo3y83 10th Jan 19, 2:53 PM
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    Jo3y83
    TBH in the great scheme of things you don't have a massive gap its not like 25+ years and you have known each other as friends first so know what each other wants out of the relationship.


    Why dont you just enjoy each other and see what becomes of things without putting so much pressure on yourself over age which is just a number afterall.
    Originally posted by BBH123

    Thank you Age is just a number... I certainly don't feel (almost) 36!
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    • spadoosh
    • By spadoosh 10th Jan 19, 2:59 PM
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    spadoosh
    It's a bit daft to suggest that there are 'rules' (once both parties are over 16) for this kind of thing.

    A 35 may go out with anyone who they like and who likes them (subject, again, to legal limits). Telling people 'but the rule is...' isn't going to stop comments (which shouldn't happen because that's rude).
    Originally posted by ViolaLass
    Well there are rules for this kind of thing. Theyre not written. THings like you queue in an orderly fashion. You complain about the weather. You dont go near your best mates ex kind of thing.

    There will always be people that shun these social norms but they will always be muttered about under breath.

    For what its worth, ive not written these rules. I just know the consequences of not adhering to them are being socially shunned.

    If you saw an 18 year old girl with an 85 year old bloke, lets be honest youre not thinking awww true love are you? BY all means they can be together but theres always going to be comments.


    With respect to people shouldnt make comments its rude, well people shouldnt suggest peoples views are daft..... its rude
    Don't be angry!
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