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    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 10Thanks
    Marges
    Fake marriage
    • #1
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    Fake marriage 30th Dec 18 at 7:01 PM
    32 year marriage, 3 grown kids (1 at home). OH was made redundant 3.5 years ago, he has now turned 60 and has given up any pretence that he might consider looking for work, no discussion. We have never had a joint account, his decision when we married, he wanted to pay mortgage and council tax and told me to pay the rest, I guess in his mind it meant the property was his although of course it's not. We have moved house twice but not had a mortgage for 10 years, partly due to inheritances on his side. We have both worked all the way through but I did a few years p/t when the kids were pre-school. He never contributed to child care costs, kids clothes, presents etc. Now he's not working he's No1 dad, DIY, waiting in for deliveries etc. in their homes.

    We have no "couples" friends, only individual because he knows what other people think of him. We used to see his school friends with wives but now he sees them a couple of times a year on their own.

    Is it worth calling it quits and trying to enjoy what's left of life although I know my kids would blame me?
Page 3
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 2:55 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Sounds very similar, we have a 6 year age gap. As I said I am not bothered that he is not working other than if at any stage I had decided to stop working we'd have had no food/utilities etc. I did have a period of unemployment a couple of years ago but signed on. It comes down to never having had shared goals or working as a team.
    • Janey3
    • By Janey3 31st Dec 18, 3:02 PM
    • 382 Posts
    • 857 Thanks
    Janey3
    Don't see why you can't have separate holidays, OP. If you want to go somewhere and your OH doesn't, just go yourself or with a friend. I often go on breaks without OH if he doesn't want to go to a certain place, and I do - and he's fine about it, but we've never been 'joined at the hip' so to speak. He favours coach holidays, I dislike them, but I go along - its give and take.

    I've made a circle of friends as OH is not bothered about socialising. I accept this.

    We've been married for 36 years.

    Can't really see a problem in your OH 'doing his own thing' regarding family visits etc unless it is putting a financial strain on the household, caused by him not working.You chose to carry on working and he has chosen to retire.

    Think I understand your feelings about the house being in his name only, despite the fact that legally, it is 50/50. Our first house was in OH's name only and I never felt right about it, despite me contributing to the upkeep but I 'went with it'. Our second one and present one was put in joint names.

    The matter of not having a joint account should have been sorted out years ago, but you've gone all these years and accepted it.

    Marriage is full of twists and turns and even after 30 odd years, it can throw up surprises of things that have festered for so long, suddenly raising their heads.

    As for your OH 'letting himself go' - you can only support him with doing the usual stuff, healthy meals, suggesting exercise etc., but ultimately, it is his decision, he's got to want to do it himself, you are not his keeper. My OH is an unhealthy weight, I tried all the usual stuff, but nothing has worked, although he has started doing more exercise and I'm hoping it continues! Basically, I have given up on that front, but it hurts to know that one day he could just drop.

    You have a 30 year old marriage, not many last that long.

    Good luck to you whatever you decide to do.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 3:12 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    I don't think house is in his name only, but I'm paying the land registry to find out.
    • barbiedoll
    • By barbiedoll 31st Dec 18, 7:22 PM
    • 4,931 Posts
    • 13,564 Thanks
    barbiedoll
    This isn’t a “retirement” thing, is it OP? You don’t say much, but some of the things that you hint at, speak of years of resentment towards him.

    “No 1 dad”...after years of letting you do the donkey work and paying for the kids needs?

    “Paid the mortgage and council tax as he thinks the house is his”....and treats you like a paying guest?

    “Let himself go”....just got a bit chubbier? Or stopped washing himself and cleaning his teeth?

    “Give up any pretence of looking for work”....happy to let you pay for everything? Does he do the household chores while you’re at work? (Am guessing not)

    “He’s always been very critical of me”.....Why? Has this made you feel bad about yourself? Is this why you want to escape now?

    It’s interesting that you say about how he was struggling to commit and to leave his mum and sister....what’s that all about? Was his dad not around? Was he mollycoddled at home and reluctant to grow up and be a husband/father?

    Anyway, it’s about what you want now. You absolutely don’t have to stay if you’ve had enough. Start making plans...getting the house deeds is a good start. Maybe make an appointment with a solicitor to see where you will stand if you do split. You’ll probably get half of the house, no matter what the deeds say, but he’ll have a claim on your pension, so you’ll need to know what that’s going to be worth. You say that you could both buy a place if the family home was sold, is that true? Have you checked what yours is worth and what you could buy with the proceeds (or half of them)?

    32 years is a long marriage. It’s also a long time to be miserable, unfulfilled and restless. Don’t worry about anyone blaming you, who cares what they think? I’m sure your kids know what he’s like, they may love him but they’re probably not blind to his faults.

    And go and book that holiday! You work hard enough, so enjoy your time off. If he doesn’t want to go, then go alone. It’s a big world out there, go and see some of it.
    "I may be many things but not being indiscreet isn't one of them"
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 31st Dec 18, 11:48 PM
    • 5,526 Posts
    • 6,831 Thanks
    theoretica
    If you separated, and lived separate lives in separate homes, what would you expect to be the practical or emotional benefits to you over living mostly separate lives in the same home?
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Jan 19, 8:33 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I hope im not comming across as a troll or anything. Perhaps I was a little bullish lol. But when I saw the thread title and then read the op I came away thinking poor guy - considering the age of both today then he may well have been of a mind to retire at around this age....maybe not. My brother is the same age and he is retiring next year.....he has planned this since his mid 20's. His wife is perfectly happy to continue working......she does have 5 years on him age wise though lol. But in all seiousness they both do what they want their finances are sound (As you would "hope" at that age) - When he was planning his age to retire people were only living on average until late 60's at best....also it is much lower in Glasgow where he lived in his early years of marrage....so retirng before you pop your cloggs was definately a "thing". The way they are now has freed him up to do the house/home work and take care of all the little things that need doing. She works less hours than she used too, she also comes home to dinner on the table and the house clean ect...so it seems to work for them.
    I suppose someone earlier on in this thread hit on the thing - maybe they just never talked about it...which is a fault on both sides.
    As nicely as I can put this - OP is still "young" so is her other half. If they cant have the conversation now thentheywill never have it. If they have the conversation and either side is desperately unhappy at the outcome then they both owe it to themselves each other and their family to just accept it sell up and move on and try to remain good friends....Easier said than done but possible with the correct will.
    Originally posted by DavidF
    I don't think you are coming across as a troll.

    You just got it wrong in your 'made-up view from the other side' - as I pointed out and the OP has confirmed.

    Regardless of what your brother and his wife are doing, the OP is clearly not happy with the situation.

    Talking may help but as the OP says he refuses to discuss holidays unless it's where he wants to go and there's 'no way he'd be willing to speak to strangers' at Relate, I wouldn't be relying on a good discussion to sort things out if I were the OP.

    Quote from the OP:
    Not just bored, I'm sure I'd be more bored and lonely on my own in the short term. What I have realised from this thread is it's good to talk which is something I can't do with my oh so maybe relate is worth a try. Funny thing is I did go to marriage guidance on my own 30 years ago pre children when he was struggling to commit to our marriage and leave his mum & sister.
    Originally posted by Marges
    • Marges
    • By Marges 1st Jan 19, 11:19 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Theoretica "If you separated, and lived separate lives in separate homes, what would you expect to be the practical or emotional benefits to you over living mostly separate lives in the same home?"

    1 not having to pretend to the outside world, friends and colleagues that our marriage is ok. Our kids have already seen from the inside that it's not but naturally prefer us to stay together. So being able to be honest with my friends mainly.

    2 being open to new relationships which sounds more trouble than it's worth from what I can see of other people's experiences.

    3 practically I know it would cost us a lot more to live separately but is not impossible. Our remaining adult child at home would want to live with one of us.

    4 for family reasons it is easier to live separate lives in the same house, kids visit us together and invite us out together.

    So conflicted, which is where relate might help.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Jan 19, 11:26 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Marges
    You've said several times that you would be blamed for the breakup.
    Why is that?
    • Marges
    • By Marges 1st Jan 19, 11:41 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    HNY by the way. I would be blamed because it would be me that instigated it, he will never do anything because he is comfortable as is and wouldn't want to sell the house.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 1st Jan 19, 11:46 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    HNY by the way. I would be blamed because it would be me that instigated it, he will never do anything because he is comfortable as is and wouldn't want to sell the house.
    Originally posted by Marges
    But you've already said that your (grown-up) children know that you're not happy.
    Why would they prefer you to stay together?
    That sounds selfish to me.
    If my parents had wanted to divorce, I'd have supported them both in their decision.
    • theoretica
    • By theoretica 1st Jan 19, 12:34 PM
    • 5,526 Posts
    • 6,831 Thanks
    theoretica
    1 not having to pretend to the outside world, friends and colleagues that our marriage is ok. Our kids have already seen from the inside that it's not but naturally prefer us to stay together. So being able to be honest with my friends mainly.
    Originally posted by Marges

    I have a friend who is quietly open that her marriage is more like being housemates - but crucially her husband seems to agree and not object to this being known.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
    • elsien
    • By elsien 1st Jan 19, 12:40 PM
    • 18,116 Posts
    • 46,183 Thanks
    elsien
    Your kids are adults with their own lives. Any decision you make needs to be based on what's best for you, not what they think.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
    • Mercenary
    • By Mercenary 1st Jan 19, 1:28 PM
    • 611 Posts
    • 467 Thanks
    Mercenary
    I suggested a divorce to my husband after waiting until the offspring were grown up and settled. They knew our relationship hadn't been good for many years and it wasn't a shock to them....or him!
    We divorced after 37 years of marriage and are much happier leading our separate lives, and we now have a better relationship as friends-who-used-to-be-married.

    Don't be afraid to change what is left of your life. You only get one. Don't keep yourself in a box in fear of other people's opinions.
    • Grezz24
    • By Grezz24 2nd Jan 19, 2:19 PM
    • 199 Posts
    • 250 Thanks
    Grezz24
    Have you sat down and spoke with your husband about how you're feeling, and that you are unhappy in the marriage etc?

    Id suggest a conversation would be my next step. If you have fallen out of love with him, and from reading your posts that's the main message i get, then you need to have that conversation with him and then your children.

    It sounds like he is happy with the current situation and may not know how you are feeling at this moment in time, and a talk may spur him into action to return to work P/T and you may be able to work on it and find that spark again, or it may be the final nail in the coffin and you can both look to move on.
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 2nd Jan 19, 9:20 PM
    • 5,485 Posts
    • 7,592 Thanks
    ViolaLass
    Theoretica "If you separated, and lived separate lives in separate homes, what would you expect to be the practical or emotional benefits to you over living mostly separate lives in the same home?"

    1 not having to pretend to the outside world, friends and colleagues that our marriage is ok. Our kids have already seen from the inside that it's not but naturally prefer us to stay together. So being able to be honest with my friends mainly. You can be honest with your friends now.

    2 being open to new relationships which sounds more trouble than it's worth from what I can see of other people's experiences.

    3 practically I know it would cost us a lot more to live separately but is not impossible. Our remaining adult child at home would want to live with one of us.

    4 for family reasons it is easier to live separate lives in the same house, kids visit us together and invite us out together.This wouldn't have to stop.

    So conflicted, which is where relate might help.
    Originally posted by Marges
    Go on a holiday first. It's a smaller change. See how it makes you feel.

    How do you know how your children feel if you haven't been honest with them?
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 2nd Jan 19, 10:17 PM
    • 1,537 Posts
    • 3,052 Thanks
    harrys nan
    You are coming over as unhappy, Just make sure that it would be best for you if you divorce, nobody else. Life is short and we only get 1 go at it, never regret what you do, only what you don't.
    I am sure if that's the way you decide to go then your kids will be fine, it's just a case of then getting used to the change
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    • FabFifty
    • By FabFifty 4th Jan 19, 12:38 PM
    • 85 Posts
    • 128 Thanks
    FabFifty
    Agree with "Don't be afraid to change what is left of your life. You only get one. Don't keep yourself in a box in fear of other people's opinions.".

    Ask yourself - is this how I want to spend the next 30/40 years?
    • davidwood681
    • By davidwood681 4th Jan 19, 1:56 PM
    • 792 Posts
    • 2,491 Thanks
    davidwood681
    You said your hubby let himself go......does that mean he's put on weight?

    If so I'm a bit confused because women keep telling us men curves (fat) are beautiful and that's how real women look.

    Does this not apply to men too?
    • SuperPikachu
    • By SuperPikachu 4th Jan 19, 2:36 PM
    • 216 Posts
    • 332 Thanks
    SuperPikachu
    You said your hubby let himself go......does that mean he's put on weight?

    If so I'm a bit confused because women keep telling us men curves (fat) are beautiful and that's how real women look.

    Does this not apply to men too?
    Originally posted by davidwood681
    Could be all sorts couldn't it? Put on weight, not washing properly, maybe drinking, being unhealthy, miserable/grumpy, not making any effort with appearance, smelling, living in trackies or similar etc.

    Can't just latch on to weight if somebody uses that saying.
    "Wild Pikachu appeared!"
    • pimento
    • By pimento 4th Jan 19, 3:26 PM
    • 5,568 Posts
    • 7,218 Thanks
    pimento
    Agree with "Don't be afraid to change what is left of your life. You only get one. Don't keep yourself in a box in fear of other people's opinions.".

    Ask yourself - is this how I want to spend the next 30/40 years?
    Originally posted by FabFifty
    I was in a position where I was left on my own at 53 when my husband died (he was 58). I never wanted to be on my own and was a bit nervous about it.

    Four and a half years later, I'm re-married and about to retire and travel the world.

    I won't say that I'm glad my first husband died but I am doing more now and having more fun that I ever did before.

    Go for it.
    "If you think it's expensive to hire a professional to do the job, wait until you hire an amateur." -- Red Adair
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