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  • FIRST POST
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 10Thanks
    Marges
    Fake marriage
    • #1
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    Fake marriage 30th Dec 18 at 7:01 PM
    32 year marriage, 3 grown kids (1 at home). OH was made redundant 3.5 years ago, he has now turned 60 and has given up any pretence that he might consider looking for work, no discussion. We have never had a joint account, his decision when we married, he wanted to pay mortgage and council tax and told me to pay the rest, I guess in his mind it meant the property was his although of course it's not. We have moved house twice but not had a mortgage for 10 years, partly due to inheritances on his side. We have both worked all the way through but I did a few years p/t when the kids were pre-school. He never contributed to child care costs, kids clothes, presents etc. Now he's not working he's No1 dad, DIY, waiting in for deliveries etc. in their homes.

    We have no "couples" friends, only individual because he knows what other people think of him. We used to see his school friends with wives but now he sees them a couple of times a year on their own.

    Is it worth calling it quits and trying to enjoy what's left of life although I know my kids would blame me?
Page 2
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Dec 18, 7:42 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Is it worth calling it quits and trying to enjoy what's left of life although I know my kids would blame me?
    Originally posted by Marges
    Long-winded, I presume you mean "I don't love him any more".

    How can I say that when I've been with him from the age of 18? And I would be blamed for family break-up.
    Originally posted by Marges
    Why would you be blamed for the marriage break-up?
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 31st Dec 18, 8:36 AM
    • 4,047 Posts
    • 10,862 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    Long-winded, I presume you mean "I don't love him any more".

    How can I say that when I've been with him from the age of 18? And I would be blamed for family break-up.
    Originally posted by Marges
    Neither of those are anything to do with whether you love him or want to be with him.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 31st Dec 18, 9:04 AM
    • 5,841 Posts
    • 27,156 Thanks
    thorsoak
    I wouldn't advise group holidays for singles ...according to a friend who has been on them, they always turn out to contain a majority of people looking for a holiday romance - be they single, divorced or married - with someone or maybe two or three - targetting on the courier - be the courier male or female!

    You go to work on your own - yes? So, arrange a holiday ON YOUR OWN - work out where you would like to go, what you would want to see - just you, not the OH, not the kids - but something that YOU would like to do - after 32 years you are probably used to letting your own likes subside under others wants and needs. Arrange a timetable, and then either book on line - or go to a travel agent- and go for it!

    Added ....when you go, have a book with you - you can sit on your own to eat - and read - or you can take a notebook and pen -so you sit and write. Of course you take your camera/phone - and take masses of pictures. Smile at people - they smile back - and sometimes pass the time of day with a stranger - you are not alone.

    Good luck x
    Last edited by thorsoak; 31-12-2018 at 9:14 AM.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Dec 18, 9:14 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Yes I assume so, it was certainly a joint mortgage when we bought it. Question is do I want to be on my own mid 50's or continue what looks like a comfortable marriage from the outside?
    Originally posted by Marges
    That's a question only you can answer.


    I haven't taken my annual leave this year because things at home have been so bad. I have tried to talk him about a holiday, me paying, but he refuses to go anywhere we haven't been before ie. Europe. This is a big worry as I feel if I stick with him I will never travel outside Europe.
    Originally posted by Marges
    Why is this 'a big worry'?
    Have you always wanted to travel to far-flung destinations?
    Or is it just a symptom of your attitude to your marriage and your husband?
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 31st Dec 18, 9:22 AM
    • 2,173 Posts
    • 2,548 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    Of course you don't have to publicly list everything that's wrong, but based on the limited info you have provided, divorcing after 30+ years seems extreme. Are you just a bit bored or resentful that you are working and he isnt?
    Retirement is a milestone and a big time for change. Suddenly not having that purpose or routine each day, less interaction with others, more time together, change in finances etc. Most couples would discuss how to raise a child or how to manage finances but how many discuss retirement? You might just have mismatched expectations? He wants to laze about whilst you want to travel? Maybe he doesn't care for friendships but it is important to you.
    If my parents divorced after so long I'd be shocked. Of course it's their choice but I'd find it weird. After all he has put a roof over your head. You have raised the kids and taken care of the family. You have both contributed to your joint history.
    I'm not certain unless there is more to this, that splitting up is the best option. Have you actually expressed everything and attempted to make a plan? I do think new year makes us reevaluate stuff. It's great to make positive change but take care not to replace one problem with another.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Dec 18, 10:08 AM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Of course you don't have to publicly list everything that's wrong, but based on the limited info you have provided, divorcing after 30+ years seems extreme. Are you just a bit bored or resentful that you are working and he isnt?
    Retirement is a milestone and a big time for change. Suddenly not having that purpose or routine each day, less interaction with others, more time together, change in finances etc. Most couples would discuss how to raise a child or how to manage finances but how many discuss retirement? You might just have mismatched expectations? He wants to laze about whilst you want to travel? Maybe he doesn't care for friendships but it is important to you.
    If my parents divorced after so long I'd be shocked. Of course it's their choice but I'd find it weird. After all he has put a roof over your head. You have raised the kids and taken care of the family. You have both contributed to your joint history.
    I'm not certain unless there is more to this, that splitting up is the best option. Have you actually expressed everything and attempted to make a plan? I do think new year makes us reevaluate stuff. It's great to make positive change but take care not to replace one problem with another.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    TBH, it doesn't sound like it's been a great marriage:
    his decision when we married, he wanted to pay mortgage and council tax and told me to pay the rest,

    <<snip>>


    He never contributed to child care costs, kids clothes, presents etc.
    Originally posted by Marges

    he has always been very critical of me but excused it by saying I had no sense of humour. He has completely let himself go which is part of why he doesn't want to see people.
    Originally posted by Marges

    These are not just changes as a result of nearing retirement.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 10:30 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Solo travel is not something I enjoy, I've done it for work and only enjoyed it when I got into company with other delegates to go for meals etc. I am good at small talk so a group holiday might work for me with no romance. Travel is the one thing I do want to spend money on.

    Money is manageable while I'm working and I've been in public sector pension from 21 so should get something back for all I've paid in, we are not big spenders.
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 31st Dec 18, 10:44 AM
    • 23,048 Posts
    • 57,829 Thanks
    Tigsteroonie
    Do you actually want to split up, or are you just bored?

    And I don't understand why you'd be the one being blamed.
    Mrs Marleyboy

    MSE: many of the benefits of a helpful family, without disadvantages like having to compete for the tv remote

    Proud Parents to an Au-some son
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 31st Dec 18, 10:53 AM
    • 30,240 Posts
    • 77,704 Thanks
    Mojisola
    You don't have to go to relate as a couple, you can go on your own
    Originally posted by poorweelass
    This would be a good start - talking it through with an experienced counsellor could crystalise your issues and give you a direction to go on.

    Staying as you are doesn't sound like a viable option.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 11:32 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Not just bored, I'm sure I'd be more bored and lonely on my own in the short term. What I have realised from this thread is it's good to talk which is something I can't do with my oh so maybe relate is worth a try. Funny thing is I did go to marriage guidance on my own 30 years ago pre children when he was struggling to commit to our marriage and leave his mum & sister.
    • DavidF
    • By DavidF 31st Dec 18, 12:06 PM
    • 476 Posts
    • 2,540 Thanks
    DavidF
    Men have feeling too people. I think it's always good to think of the thread from alternate points of view. How would the op's hubby start his thread.
    Well we have been together since we were young. I have paid for the house and provided for our family in every way. Now as I am getting a little older I feel I need to slow down a bit and helping out the kids and grandkids ect is exactly what i enjoy...after my lifetime of work we can afford this. But the wife has reacted to my plans with horror it's almost as if....she never wanted me around the house. She would have been perfectly happy for me to work past retirement until I drop. I have also noticed that she feels I have not "grabbed my chance", but I think since I have managed to provide for my family throughout our marriage that I actually have grabbed my chances and I am just not a gambler. Maybe it is because SHE has not grabbed her chances or maybe she always hankered after that go-getter who just loves the 90 hour weeks and keep the cash coming.
    Does that sound a little harsh ? From the info given it could fit....at least be honest and stop wasting more of both your life.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 31st Dec 18, 12:29 PM
    • 5,161 Posts
    • 11,570 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    he knows he didn't take his chances.
    Originally posted by Marges
    What does this mean?
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Dec 18, 12:33 PM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Men have feeling too people. I think it's always good to think of the thread from alternate points of view. How would the op's hubby start his thread.
    Well we have been together since we were young. I have paid for the house and provided for our family in every way. Now as I am getting a little older I feel I need to slow down a bit and helping out the kids and grandkids ect is exactly what i enjoy...after my lifetime of work we can afford this. But the wife has reacted to my plans with horror it's almost as if....she never wanted me around the house. She would have been perfectly happy for me to work past retirement until I drop. I have also noticed that she feels I have not "grabbed my chance", but I think since I have managed to provide for my family throughout our marriage that I actually have grabbed my chances and I am just not a gambler. Maybe it is because SHE has not grabbed her chances or maybe she always hankered after that go-getter who just loves the 90 hour weeks and keep the cash coming.
    Does that sound a little harsh ? From the info given it could fit....at least be honest and stop wasting more of both your life.
    Originally posted by DavidF
    Steady on!

    Hasn't the OP worked too? Even part time before the kids went to school? That can't have been easy.

    Hasn't the OP paid for everything apart from the mortgage and council tax? I wouldn't say that he's 'provided for his family in every way'.

    Isn't the OP still working whilst this 60 year old - still 6 years away from pension age - is not working?

    The OP has a final salary pension scheme to bring to the table.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 1:21 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Thanks Pollycat, all of that. I am facing working to 67. I am not even bothered that he is not working, I know he worked hard till 57 but I have also worked throughout. I resent that he sees it as his house when my earnings allowed him to concentrate on paying the mortgage.
    • DavidF
    • By DavidF 31st Dec 18, 1:23 PM
    • 476 Posts
    • 2,540 Thanks
    DavidF
    Steady on!

    Hasn't the OP worked too? Even part time before the kids went to school? That can't have been easy.

    Hasn't the OP paid for everything apart from the mortgage and council tax? I wouldn't say that he's 'provided for his family in every way'.

    Isn't the OP still working whilst this 60 year old - still 6 years away from pension age - is not working?

    The OP has a final salary pension scheme to bring to the table.
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    Why steady on lol. The op hubby has broughhalf to the table in any reasonable measure. The op is the one feeling like she does. If the thread was started by the op's hubby saying yeah all she done was bought the groceries and brought up the kids I would be equally "unreasonable". I think I was most disturbed by the "Didn't take his chances" comment. It really is just the opposite to what I believe is impoprtant in life. Health and happiness come way up the line. Also we do not know what the op's hubby did for a living....It may have been a heavy workload either metally exhausting or even physicallly. I fail to see why the hubby staying at home as long as they can afford it should upset the wife in such a dramatic way. From the info we are given it seems he is spending his time well doing all those family things he most probably missed out on while the children were growing. Now I have no idea if the op also missed out on these things but that is for her to say and also for her to reconcile.
    I still stand by the statement - stop messing say how you feel and either split or live together with seperate lives.
    For better or for worse
    For richer or poorer
    In sickness and in health
    Till death us do part.......All a load of tosh should just scrap the lot of them and make it "while things are ok" lol
    • DavidF
    • By DavidF 31st Dec 18, 1:26 PM
    • 476 Posts
    • 2,540 Thanks
    DavidF
    Thanks Pollycat, all of that. I am facing working to 67. I am not even bothered that he is not working, I know he worked hard till 57 but I have also worked throughout. I resent that he sees it as his house when my earnings allowed him to concentrate on paying the mortgage.
    Originally posted by Marges
    You resent it that he sees it as his house? It's both your house lol But imsure if anyone asks any of you seperately you would hopefully both be able to state that the place was "your" home. If it came to law then you would both get half regardless of how much you both felt you own.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 1:36 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    If the thread was started by the op's hubby saying yeah all she done was bought the groceries and brought up the kids I would be equally "unreasonable".

    All that and work as well, he has never provided for me, as he says why would I think he should? I'm of an age where I have friends who gave up work when they had kids and never went back and friends of my age who always worked and never had kids, not many who did both. No right answer.
    • ruperts
    • By ruperts 31st Dec 18, 1:41 PM
    • 1,316 Posts
    • 2,281 Thanks
    ruperts
    No mention of OP's husband leaning on her for financial assistance, so on the face of it he retired at 57 which is not at all unreasonable if he has the funds to do so, and is spending his retirement being "no. 1 dad" which sounds like a positive thing to me.

    OP has an issue with some historical financial arrangements but it's hard to judge who - if anyone - is in the wrong without knowing how that was dealt with at the time. If the OP accepted the arrangements at the time then it's unfair to drag them up years or decades later.

    The other issue is that OP's husband has decided he wants to see his old friends without the respective partners being involved which again doesn't sound too unreasonable. It's good to have your own friends as well as couple friends and he might consider his school friends to be his own friends in the first instance.

    I can't see that he has done anything wrong at all, based on the information given.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 31st Dec 18, 1:41 PM
    • 21,504 Posts
    • 58,168 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Why steady on lol.
    Originally posted by DavidF
    'Steady on' because you've extrapolated a load of stuff on behalf of someone who's not said anything.
    'Steady on' because a lot of the stuff you've extrapolated is wrong.
    lol
    You resent it that he sees it as his house? It's both your house lol But imsure if anyone asks any of you seperately you would hopefully both be able to state that the place was "your" home. If it came to law then you would both get half regardless of how much you both felt you own.
    Originally posted by DavidF
    Yes, the house belongs to both parties.
    The OP appears to accept that but not her husband.
    lol
    • DavidF
    • By DavidF 31st Dec 18, 2:08 PM
    • 476 Posts
    • 2,540 Thanks
    DavidF
    'Steady on' because you've extrapolated a load of stuff on behalf of someone who's not said anything.
    'Steady on' because a lot of the stuff you've extrapolated is wrong.
    lol


    Yes, the house belongs to both parties.
    The OP appears to accept that but not her husband.
    lol
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    I hope im not comming across as a troll or anything. Perhaps I was a little bullish lol. But when I saw the thread title and then read the op I came away thinking poor guy - considering the age of both today then he may well have been of a mind to retire at around this age....maybe not. My brother is the same age and he is retiring next year.....he has planned this since his mid 20's. His wife is perfectly happy to continue working......she does have 5 years on him age wise though lol. But in all seiousness they both do what they want their finances are sound (As you would "hope" at that age) - When he was planning his age to retire people were only living on average until late 60's at best....also it is much lower in Glasgow where he lived in his early years of marrage....so retirng before you pop your cloggs was definately a "thing". The way they are now has freed him up to do the house/home work and take care of all the little things that need doing. She works less hours than she used too, she also comes home to dinner on the table and the house clean ect...so it seems to work for them.
    I suppose someone earlier on in this thread hit on the thing - maybe they just never talked about it...which is a fault on both sides.
    As nicely as I can put this - OP is still "young" so is her other half. If they cant have the conversation now thentheywill never have it. If they have the conversation and either side is desperately unhappy at the outcome then they both owe it to themselves each other and their family to just accept it sell up and move on and try to remain good friends....Easier said than done but possible with the correct will.
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