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  • FIRST POST
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    • 22Posts
    • 10Thanks
    Marges
    Fake marriage
    • #1
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:01 PM
    Fake marriage 30th Dec 18 at 7:01 PM
    32 year marriage, 3 grown kids (1 at home). OH was made redundant 3.5 years ago, he has now turned 60 and has given up any pretence that he might consider looking for work, no discussion. We have never had a joint account, his decision when we married, he wanted to pay mortgage and council tax and told me to pay the rest, I guess in his mind it meant the property was his although of course it's not. We have moved house twice but not had a mortgage for 10 years, partly due to inheritances on his side. We have both worked all the way through but I did a few years p/t when the kids were pre-school. He never contributed to child care costs, kids clothes, presents etc. Now he's not working he's No1 dad, DIY, waiting in for deliveries etc. in their homes.

    We have no "couples" friends, only individual because he knows what other people think of him. We used to see his school friends with wives but now he sees them a couple of times a year on their own.

    Is it worth calling it quits and trying to enjoy what's left of life although I know my kids would blame me?
Page 1
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:04 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    • #2
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:04 PM
    • #2
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:04 PM
    Should say if we sell family home we could both buy something smaller.
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 30th Dec 18, 7:07 PM
    • 23,048 Posts
    • 57,828 Thanks
    Tigsteroonie
    • #3
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:07 PM
    • #3
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:07 PM
    You make no mention in your opening post of how you feel about him now, and how he feels about you.
    Mrs Marleyboy

    MSE: many of the benefits of a helpful family, without disadvantages like having to compete for the tv remote

    Proud Parents to an Au-some son
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:13 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    • #4
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:13 PM
    • #4
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:13 PM
    Not sure how I feel, he has always been very critical of me but excused it by saying I had no sense of humour. He has completely let himself go which is part of why he doesn't want to see people.
    • davenport151
    • By davenport151 30th Dec 18, 7:17 PM
    • 628 Posts
    • 846 Thanks
    davenport151
    • #5
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:17 PM
    • #5
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:17 PM
    Is the house in both your names?
    Self employed after redundancy



    • Jemima FuddleCup
    • By Jemima FuddleCup 30th Dec 18, 7:19 PM
    • 368 Posts
    • 707 Thanks
    Jemima FuddleCup
    • #6
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:19 PM
    • #6
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:19 PM
    The grass in not always greener..
    • motivated
    • By motivated 30th Dec 18, 7:21 PM
    • 2,404 Posts
    • 5,072 Thanks
    motivated
    • #7
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:21 PM
    • #7
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:21 PM
    What do you mean when you say 'he knows what other people think of him'
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:22 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    • #8
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:22 PM
    • #8
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:22 PM
    Yes I assume so, it was certainly a joint mortgage when we bought it. Question is do I want to be on my own mid 50's or continue what looks like a comfortable marriage from the outside?
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:32 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    • #9
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:32 PM
    • #9
    • 30th Dec 18, 7:32 PM
    What do you mean when you say 'he knows what other people think of him'

    He had a privelaged education but was always the joker, lots of friends but as time went on he was always the poor relation and he knows he didn't take his chances.
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 30th Dec 18, 7:38 PM
    • 23,048 Posts
    • 57,828 Thanks
    Tigsteroonie
    Not sure how I feel, he has always been very critical of me but excused it by saying I had no sense of humour. He has completely let himself go which is part of why he doesn't want to see people.
    Originally posted by Marges
    Long-winded, I presume you mean "I don't love him any more". And yet you don't seem to want to say that, it's not in your OP and I've had to push you.
    Mrs Marleyboy

    MSE: many of the benefits of a helpful family, without disadvantages like having to compete for the tv remote

    Proud Parents to an Au-some son
    • motivated
    • By motivated 30th Dec 18, 7:41 PM
    • 2,404 Posts
    • 5,072 Thanks
    motivated
    Do you still love him?

    Have you mentioned to him about maybe doing some things together every so often. Maybe it could put the spark back.

    It's easy to get stuck in a rut when you have been together so long.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:42 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Long-winded, I presume you mean "I don't love him any more".

    How can I say that when I've been with him from the age of 18? And I would be blamed for family break-up.
    • Marges
    • By Marges 30th Dec 18, 7:50 PM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    I haven't taken my annual leave this year because things at home have been so bad. I have tried to talk him about a holiday, me paying, but he refuses to go anywhere we haven't been before ie. Europe. This is a big worry as I feel if I stick with him I will never travel outside Europe.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 30th Dec 18, 7:55 PM
    • 5,841 Posts
    • 27,156 Thanks
    thorsoak
    My suggestion? Find out what it would be like on your own - by booking a holiday on your own, in a place that he does not want to go. Tell your children that you have always wanted to go there, but as father doesn't want to go, you will go on your own - before it is too late.
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 30th Dec 18, 7:57 PM
    • 3,278 Posts
    • 3,244 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    I haven't taken my annual leave this year because things at home have been so bad. I have tried to talk him about a holiday, me paying, but he refuses to go anywhere we haven't been before ie. Europe. This is a big worry as I feel if I stick with him I will never travel outside Europe.
    Originally posted by Marges
    You could always stay together but build a life for yourself out the home. Thereís plenty of holiday companies trips you could join, see if the family want to join you. I wouldnít put your life on hold either way.

    Yeah selling up is an option but it sounds like heís got it lush now. The other thing is with you not being sure if your on the land registry - you can pay £3 to see who own any house so Iíd start off by doing that

    https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry

    If you donít trust the link just google land registry. Itís on the government website
    roll on 27th April 2019 or there abouts *26 done* = *14 to go*
    • Blackbeard of Perranporth
    • By Blackbeard of Perranporth 30th Dec 18, 10:21 PM
    • 5,744 Posts
    • 33,685 Thanks
    Blackbeard of Perranporth
    Change the locks and kick him out. That is what you want?

    It’s Christmas. He lost his job and us sixty. Time you looked at what is next!

    Oops sorry, you never had a joint account, where you both paid the shares. Now what?
    Cardiac Arrest - Electrical - Patient unconscious! Heart Attack - Plumbing - Patient conscious!
    Defibrillators Cannot Cure a Heart Attack!
    • poorweelass
    • By poorweelass 30th Dec 18, 10:46 PM
    • 40 Posts
    • 85 Thanks
    poorweelass
    I understand where you are coming from, Im kind of in a similar boat myself, mid 50s in what looks like a good marriage from the outside, but .........

    I have the added problem of having my mother living with us, seriously if she wasn't alive Id have been gone years ago


    I think personally, that these posts are probably the first time you have admitted out aloud that all is not rosey. Thats ok, that takes some getting used to. You don't have to be rash and act right now, this week or even this year, its taken you over 30 years to get to this stage, a few more months or years working out what you want to do won't harm, not in the long run

    Can you get some counselling to see if you can work out what you really want and get the support you need to get to where you want to be. Marriage guidance ( or whatever its called now ) perhaps?
    • Marges
    • By Marges 31st Dec 18, 1:18 AM
    • 22 Posts
    • 10 Thanks
    Marges
    Thanks for all comments, I have looked at relate web site but no way he'd be willing to speak to strangers. I have also looked at group hol's for solo travelers from comment above which might be worth a try.
    • moneyistooshorttomention
    • By moneyistooshorttomention 31st Dec 18, 6:15 AM
    • 17,561 Posts
    • 49,118 Thanks
    moneyistooshorttomention
    He's not working - which would lead one to think there's probably not enough money coming into the home?

    Is money a problem or comfortable or there's some sloshing-around spare?

    I'd echo checking what the Land Registry entry says for the house - but chances are you'd get half of it even if his is the only name down on the Register entry anyway in the event of a divorce. But it always helps to know your facts about the "lie of the land" in the first place.

    I'd echo the others and say that (subject to there being enough money to do so) then just take yourself off on your own for the holidays he doesn't wish to come along on with you. Also - if you decide to stay - then there's nothing stopping you generally leading the life of a single person (even though you're married) = so find groups/activities you wish to join, make friends of your own and generally lead the life of a single.

    You might find that's enough to decide you're okay staying married on the one hand. On the other hand - you might decide to go "full blown" as a single and live on your own (but, if you do, then do check out the finances and be very sure you'd have enough money to buy a home of your own before breaking up the marriage).
    • poorweelass
    • By poorweelass 31st Dec 18, 6:29 AM
    • 40 Posts
    • 85 Thanks
    poorweelass
    Thanks for all comments, I have looked at relate web site but no way he'd be willing to speak to strangers. I have also looked at group hol's for solo travelers from comment above which might be worth a try.
    Originally posted by Marges

    You don't have to go to relate as a couple, you can go on your own
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