Terrified to carry out paternity test
Comments
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This will not stop your sister being your sister, so that is a positive, & you won't be able to stop your mother from being your mother. So in the words of a song - 2 out of 3 ain't bad. What is going to change for you? You have an estranged father, you have a father who isn't really your father or you have a father who is no longer estranged. So again 2 out of 3 ain't bad. It has obviously been bothering you, so why not find out what you have to be bothered about. We are all different but I have always found that worrying about the unknown & its effects is much harder on me than worrying about what actually IS.
23&me is good by the way & is only slightly more than ancestryDNA. I have a family member who used both & felt the 23&me info was more complete.0 -
If there is any chance that the cancer your "father" has could be hereditary or even the fact your father has it could increase the chances that you may get it, then you should do the test.I'm a Forum Ambassador on The Coronavirus Boards as well as the housing, mortgages and student money saving boards. I volunteer to help get your forum questions answered and keep the forum running smoothly. Forum Ambassadors are not moderators and don't read every post. If you spot an illegal or inappropriate post then please report it to forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com (it's not part of my role to deal with this). Any views are mine and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.com.0
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PositivelyPerturbed wrote: »Feeling really churned up inside right now. In two weeks time, I'm travelling to see my dad (he usually lives out of the country but will be visiting my sister in Yorkshire). The issue of paternity has been hanging over us all (and haunting us) for years due to our mother being a prolific cheat, liar and generally selfish and vile individual throughout our childhood. She also stopped us having contact with our father and we were dragged through a horrific court case as children where we were poisoned to say we didn't want contact with our father. When we grew up and found him, he admitted that he wasn't even sure that he was our dad. We have a fraught and fractious relationship ever since. My oldest sister won't speak to him and I have only just started speaking to him after 5 years. He has stage 3 cancer so he said if we want a DNA test, it's now or never. I have been desperate to vanquish this childhood demon that has left me feeling rejected, disconsolate and lonely in this world. However, now that it's actually happening, I am absolutely petrified. If he is not my dad, I will never know who is. My mother is a liar and self-preservationist who wouldn't know the truth or decency if it jumped up and bit her. I (and possibly my sisters) would have to live with never knowing our true identities, which hurts more than I can describe.
I don't know who my birth father is either. (Adopted as a baby and although I now have a good relationship with my birth mother, there is no father's name on my birth cert and she does not want to discuss it).
Go ahead and have the test. He might be your father, in which case you will know, or if not then you will know that too, which has got to be better than not being sure.
If he is not, I would advise getting a DNA test from Ancestry. You may not find out anything from it. However, I have found a cousin on my father's side from mine. I am taking things very slowly, but there is a chance I may be able to find out who he is.
Good luck.(AKA HRH_MUngo)
Member #10 of £2 savers club
Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton0 -
PositivelyPerturbed wrote: »I will definitely go through with the test - the not knowing has been torture and has caused years of issues. I am very bitter and angry that the paternity issue was not dealt with during the protracted custody battle when we were children though. Why are we continually having to mop up the mess other people have made?!
I think this is the right decision; you will know one way or another, but be prepared for a gamut of unexpected emotions, no matter what the result is. The bitterness and anger is completely natural in these circumstances.
My situation is different, as I was brought up believing that my natural mum was dead: not so; she actually lived within a few miles of me, for the whole of her life, and I only found out when she died last year. Not only that, but I have two half sisters and a brother, that I knew nothing about either. I didn't think it would have a great deal of impact, especially as I was lucky enough to have a good family unit around me, but it really did. No matter how often I tell myself that my step mum is my mum, and she's all I need, there is a burning desire to know more, and by more I mean every last minute detail. I have felt angry, bitter, resentful, acute loss for the things I'd never had, grief and regret for lost opportunities.
One thing I would say is don't bottle it up and get a support network around you. The people on here are fantastic, and there's always someone who will listen and offer great advice. It may be a time to consider counselling too.
Good luck!0 -
It's better to know than to not know.... if you don't know, then you won't know what to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about and will continue to beat yourself. If you do know then you're in a position to process that information and it might be great news ... or something to mull over.
This is the last thing you can ever do for a dying man. If it were a stranger in the street dying and you could do one thing that helped to bring them peace of mind you'd do it..... so just do it.
The fear of the unknown is greater than the knowing.
Knowledge is power. Power to move on, power to heal, closure.0 -
PasturesNew wrote: »It's better to know than to not know.... if you don't know, then you won't know what to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about and will continue to beat yourself. If you do know then you're in a position to process that information and it might be great news ... or something to mull over.
This is the last thing you can ever do for a dying man. If it were a stranger in the street dying and you could do one thing that helped to bring them peace of mind you'd do it..... so just do it.
The fear of the unknown is greater than the knowing.
Knowledge is power. Power to move on, power to heal, closure.
This! Exactly this! I wanted to put that in my reply, but I couldn't get it to sound right; this is spot on.0 -
Whatever you decide to do, and for what it's worth, I'd have the test, I would recommend you get some counselling.
While the results will bring you knowledge, from what you've said, they will not bring you peace of mind.
If he isn't your father you're still left with a big question mark. If he is, you're left with baggage from your relationship with him. Not to mention the emotional legacy left by your mother.
None of the issues causing you rd distress are within your control. They are rooted in historical events that can't be changed, and must be lived with.
I think the biggest favour you can do for yourself is get help to process everything so you can accept both the past and the implications of these results.
Put your hands up.0
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