Should we help pay for the wedding?

Becles · 13 May 2006 at 2:10PM

If they are already at least £10K in debt, it seems daft paying to have both a wedding abroad, and a reception in the UK. Would they consider just having the wedding abroad, or the reception and a UK wedding to cut costs?

For loads of money saving wedding tips, point the bride in the direction of this thread:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=41608

If you've already given them money for the house, you shouldn't feel obliged to pay for anything else if you don't want to.

I recently got married. I've been a single mother for a long time, then met someone and married him. I didn't expect my parents to pay for anything and had drawn up plans based on our budget, but my parents kindly gave us some money towards the reception.

miaxmia · 13 May 2006 at 2:27PM

Perhaps I should add a note to my original posting - it is the bride's parents who are paying for the wedding - I regularly discuss with my son the fact that they still owe us 10K but, as yet, they are not in a position to remortgage to take out that extra 10K (I regularly mention it just so they know it isn't to be forgotten). It was our decision to lend them the 10K as they had a baby on the way and it is the only way they would have got on the property ladder but, for some reason, I feel guilty at not offering to help the bride's parents with the cost of the wedding, although they have never offered to share the cost of the outstanding loan with us. My dilemma is that, as a few people here say, tradition has gone out of the window, but I really do think we have outlayed enough money, although for a different reason with this relationship, and we are losing interest on the money for every year the loan is outstanding. As far as the couple are concerned, they are very young, have worked very hard to pay for the mortgage and bills, managing with second-hand furniture, grateful for any handouts, they don't have many luxuries and spend hardly anything on clothes, so I can't begrudge them wanting a nice wedding to seal their relationship - it's a young girl's dream, but I need to rid myself of the "guilt" feelings, if we decide not to offer to help (it is a decision I am finding very difficult to make).

Jay-Jay_4 · 13 May 2006 at 2:35PM

miaxmia wrote:

.....I can't begrudge them wanting a nice wedding to seal their relationship - it's a young girl's dream

and..... why does that dream have to come out of your pocket?

I would be mortified if my in laws thought they 'owed' me a dream wedding. I would be mortified if my in laws paid for something that they thought I wanted. I would be mortified if I thought they they felt obliged to pay thousands of pounds out for ONE day in my life.I would be mortified if they thought that they weren't going to get their ten thousand pounds back....

I think that THEY should be the ones feeling guilty!

Callisto · 13 May 2006 at 2:49PM

Looking at it from the point of view of a daughter planning her wedding... I don't expect my parents to contribute at all, although they have offered to pay for the bridesmaids dresses as I chose my sisters to be bm's.

We would like to get married in a Scottish castle and have a few shortlisted, but only ones that are in our price range... however we will still be paying more than getting married in a registry office, but we want to do it this way. Our relatives will have to travel from the Midlands to Scotland and stay a couple of nights, but we wouldn't dream of asking for expensive gifts as well. Your son is choosing to get married abroad, and must be aware that people will have to pay out for flights, accommodation, meals and a wedding gift!

It would probably be nice if you make a 'token' gesture such as offering to pay for the cake for the UK reception, but I wouldn't write off any of the £10k, they should pay it back. I think 'kids' can come to rely on their parents too much, I want to be financially independent and owe no money to anyone (apart from mortgage if we ever choose to buy a house.)

Bagpuss1973 · 13 May 2006 at 2:54PM

If the brides parents are paying for the wedding abroad (and I am assuming they can afford this) and are happy with this why are you feeling guilty?

I appreciate it is a young girls dream to have a lovely wedding but this really needn't be abroad (costing lots of extra money), that is their choice and they must have discussed it.

I think you have given enough to the couple (in money terms) and remember because of their choice to go abroad you are forking out a further fortune to be able to attend, whereas if it was in your neighbourhood you would probably looking at a couple of hundred rather than thousand.

STOP FEELING GUILTY!!!! I think it shows what a lovely parent you are to feel like this, but they have made the decision and if the girls parents cannot afford to fund it then they should downsize their plans, you cannot, even these days "expect" parents to fund weddings. I believe these days lots of young couples fund the whole day etc themselves.

You have helped them out with funds to help them buy a home, this is much more important that a single day. If it is going to help your guilty feelings (which you should have none) then I would offer to write-off a part of the loan (provided you can afford to lose that money).

Astaroth · 13 May 2006 at 3:00PM

As a total cost then a wedding abroad probably does cost more (taking into account all the guests travelling costs) but is it actually more expensive for the couple/ brides father?

I have never gotten married but one of my team is currently on an extended holiday for her wedding and honeymoon and talking to her the other day she said that they had considered having their wedding abroad but decided to have it a church in the UK in the end but said it was significantly more expensive for them (they are paying for it themselves).

The main increase in cost of having it abroad is the flights but then they were going to stay at the same place for their honeymoon so it was actually only an extra day or two in the hotel but all the rest of the costs were much lower and having less guests made things a lot cheaper too.

hjb123 · 13 May 2006 at 3:04PM

miaxmia wrote:

As far as the couple are concerned, they are very young, have worked very hard to pay for the mortgage and bills, managing with second-hand furniture, grateful for any handouts, they don't have many luxuries and spend hardly anything on clothes, so I can't begrudge them wanting a nice wedding to seal their relationship - it's a young girl's dream, but I need to rid myself of the "guilt" feelings, if we decide not to offer to help (it is a decision I am finding very difficult to make).

I think thats quite good that they are working hard and not spending their money on brand new things and luxuries like I think many would do in the given situation! If they were spending wildly I would certainly be asking questions about when they will repay the loan etc!

I would lean more towards a present or a contribution to the reception etc rather than knocking money off the loan!

Do you live nearby? Perhaps you could host an open house the day after the reception or organise the food and drink for an open house at theirs to show the presents etc?

VickyA_2 · 13 May 2006 at 4:09PM

I am getting married in July and my parents are paying for everything (yes, I'm very very lucky). My father is of the opinion that I'm his only daughter and will only have one wedding, so therefore it's his job to "get rid of me"

. Should my brother ever get married, then it will be up to his girlfriend's parents to pay (or my brother............)

A friend who is getting married abroad (she will be 28 when she gets married) next year is not receiving any contribution from her parents, nor from his. As they have decided to marry abroad, then it's up to them how they fund their special day.

Obviously, different people have different ways of dealing with things. You have already contributed greatly to your son's relationship - far more than other parents, I imagine. You should not feel guilty about not paying for the wedding - especially as you'll have to pay so much money to even get YOURSELF there!

Poppy9 · 13 May 2006 at 4:16PM

Please don't feel guilty. You have been more than generous in the past. From the tone of your posts you cannot afford to write of the 10k especially facing a £5/6k bill for attending the wedding.

I appreciate you say they are not extravagent in their day to day living so they must surely realise what an enormous expense it is for you just to attend the wedding.

If here parents wish to spend their money on their daughter in such a way then that's their perogative.

Mrs_Optimist · 13 May 2006 at 5:04PM

My cousin is getting married abroad in July and my Uncle is footing the bill for that, and the knees-up when they get back. Oh, and he paid the deposit on the house too. But the knock-on effect of this is that he has just come out of hospital after suffering a heart attack (he is 60). He is working all the hours to fund this wedding. he recently lost a deposit on a venue for the evening do because my cousin changed her mind about where she wanted it held. My argument is that he should not work himself into an early grave to pay for her wedding - he should make a contribution and if she wants anything over and above that to fund it herself. He has 3 kids from a previous marriage and didn't fund any of their weddings. He also has 3 kids from this marriage (including my cousin). Is he going to have to pay for their weddings too? When my dad tackled my cousin about the cost of the wedding she said "thats what dads are for" (!!!) My dad flipped as he had just come back from seeing his brother in hospital with my cousin and she didn't seem to mind that he was in there because he was funding her day. I paid for my own wedding with no help from either sets of parents (nor did we want it). We spent 1500.00 on the whole day and including the honeymoon.

If they are working so hard to pay bills etc then your Son and future DIL should have a good concept of money and realise that you have already helped out to enable them to buy a House - if you hadn't done that they may not have got on the housing ladder and may not ever have afforded to.

My personal opinion is that you have been more then generous already, but offer to pay for the cake or flowers (as previously suggested) as a token gesture if it eases your guilt.

Should we help pay for the wedding?

Comments

Categories

Get our FREE Weekly email full of deals & guides - and it’s spam-free