Question about harassment
Comments
-
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »Is it a crime to show pictures?
Revenge !!!!!!: yes
A photo of her downing a jagerbomb at 4am: no
A photo of her curled up in bed next to him on a morning with no private areas on show: no0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »She is in her 30s, but still lives at home with her parents and siblings.
I doubt the family would act in a violent way but it's more a case of total embarrassment and all her secrets being revealed.
As she wears a hijab and is totally covered, the family have no idea that she lives another life which they certainly wouldn't be happy with. So it would be a case of string verbal disapproval.
I have spoken to her, but I'm not sure what I can tell her, as I'm not living under those circumstances and the family don't know me either.
That's a blessing then - ie that she is well into adulthood - whew!
At that age - then I would say that (whatever the circumstances) it is well past time she moved out on her own one way or another. Time to rent or buy a place of her own.
I presume she does have an income of her own now? (eg a full-time job).
If so - even if she can trust her family not to restrict or harm her - it is the norm to be "independent" by that age in this country and it's beyond time for her to do so.
I can see she would feel uncomfortable with them knowing she is living in a "Western" way - even at her "well into adulthood age". But time for her to "bite the bullet" and get a place of her own (or shared with Western or westernised friends) and get on with her life. Hijab in the bin and fingers crossed her family will be reasonable and maintain contact with her. If they don't = their loss and a downside to having a "Western" lifestyle if one's family doesn't have that.
Wouldn't it be a huge blessing to her just to bin the hijab alone and dress as she pleases?
Imo - time for her to get her courage together and live her Life the way she decides to. Being in one's 30's she should be well into making her own decisions for herself by now and not getting dictated too by other people.
Does she plan on "skulking around and leading Her Own Life in secret for the next 50 odd years?"
EDIT; and I do sympathise with just how much other people can try and "chip at one's confidence" and try and make you lead your life differently to what you yourself have decided/and it's a perfectly reasonable ordinary way to live. Hers arent the only circumstances where people will try and undermine you and make you live your life the way THEY want - so she may be surprised at just how much sympathy she will receive if she tries to live a "normal" lifestyle.
Can I recommend she might like to have a day or two course on "assertiveness training"? It isn't the whole answer to things - but it does help in standing up for oneself in as positive a way as possible.0 -
To be honest I think the threat to reveal that she was sexual active especially with him is just that, a threat. If he is friends with her brother and her family are traditional it is more than likely that her brother will get physically aggressive with him as well as being angry with her.
It's one thing telling him that she's had sex and a totally different story to say it was with him and now he's blabbing it all over the place. He knows he can hold this information over her and make her life stressful.
It is all good and well people advising that she is 30 and should move out etc etc but that probably isn't going to happen unless she is told to leave. My question to you is how serious are you about her because this relationship is not going to get any easier. If you are serious then get on with it and make your relationship "respectable" so that it doesn't matter what her family thinks about her reputation0 -
heavenfire wrote: »To be honest I think the threat to reveal that she was sexual active especially with him is just that, a threat. If he is friends with her brother and her family are traditional it is more than likely that her brother will get physically aggressive with him as well as being angry with her.
It's one thing telling him that she's had sex and a totally different story to say it was with him and now he's blabbing it all over the place. He knows he can hold this information over her and make her life stressful.
It is all good and well people advising that she is 30 and should move out etc etc but that probably isn't going to happen unless she is told to leave. My question to you is how serious are you about her because this relationship is not going to get any easier. If you are serious then get on with it and make your relationship "respectable" so that it doesn't matter what her family thinks about her reputation
That's easier said than done, as she is religious. So at this present time that's not going to happen. Obviously I like her a lot and I would have preferred for things not to go so far with her and the former friend.Girlie Girl0 -
moneyistooshorttomention wrote: »That's a blessing then - ie that she is well into adulthood - whew!
At that age - then I would say that (whatever the circumstances) it is well past time she moved out on her own one way or another. Time to rent or buy a place of her own.
I presume she does have an income of her own now? (eg a full-time job).
If so - even if she can trust her family not to restrict or harm her - it is the norm to be "independent" by that age in this country and it's beyond time for her to do so.
I can see she would feel uncomfortable with them knowing she is living in a "Western" way - even at her "well into adulthood age". But time for her to "bite the bullet" and get a place of her own (or shared with Western or westernised friends) and get on with her life. Hijab in the bin and fingers crossed her family will be reasonable and maintain contact with her. If they don't = their loss and a downside to having a "Western" lifestyle if one's family doesn't have that.
Wouldn't it be a huge blessing to her just to bin the hijab alone and dress as she pleases?
Imo - time for her to get her courage together and live her Life the way she decides to. Being in one's 30's she should be well into making her own decisions for herself by now and not getting dictated too by other people.
Does she plan on "skulking around and leading Her Own Life in secret for the next 50 odd years?"
EDIT; and I do sympathise with just how much other people can try and "chip at one's confidence" and try and make you lead your life differently to what you yourself have decided/and it's a perfectly reasonable ordinary way to live. Hers arent the only circumstances where people will try and undermine you and make you live your life the way THEY want - so she may be surprised at just how much sympathy she will receive if she tries to live a "normal" lifestyle.
Can I recommend she might like to have a day or two course on "assertiveness training"? It isn't the whole answer to things - but it does help in standing up for oneself in as positive a way as possible.
She has a job and now lives with friends.Girlie Girl0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »That's easier said than done, as she can only marry a Muslim. So at this present time that's not going to happen. Obviously I like her a lot and I would have preferred for things not to go so far with her and the ex boyfriend.
Sometimes I think they should have maybe spoken to each other and tried to come to more of a civil parting of ways, rather than how things have developed.
If she can only marry a muslim I believe part of the deal is that she's a virgin. So there's you, and her ex, and her ex knows her brother, and her family don't know about you or her ex - hmmm, how many ways can this go wrong?Signature removed for peace of mind0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »That's easier said than done, as she can only marry a Muslim.
Thankfully in the UK, she is free to marry who ever she wants.
It may be a difficult choice, with consequences for her family contact, but is still a choice she can make.
As others have said, she seems to have already chosen to adopt a lifestyle incompatible with her religious and family beliefs, which is known about by others (so will eventually become known to the family) so she needs to make big decisions about her future.0 -
Looks like the ball is in her court basically.
She's come to a point, by the sound of it, where she has to choose to have either our Western lifestyle or commit herself fully to that different lifestyle. I doubt she can "have her cake and eat it" and have those parts of our lifestyle that she wants and hope no-one finds out/leave the rest of our lifestyle untried.
With so many people knowing - this does indeed look like it will blow up on her at some point and she'll be forced to commit fully to our Western lifestyle.
It would be best for her to "take control" of this situation herself and move out/live as she pleases/dress as she pleases/have the relationships she pleases - including marrying the person of her choice. If she wants children, for instance, time is not on her side - with her being in her 30's = she'd better get on with it while she still can.
Trying to carry on with such a "divided" lifestyle as this - the chances are all too high she is going to be thrown out by her parents anyway at some point. Again - this is the question "Does she want to live in fear for, say, another 50 years?"
Whilst she keeps living with them - this ex-boyfriend has more (potential) power over her than if she had moved out and started in on a fully Western lifestyle anyway under her own volition.
You can point that fact out to her. But, ultimately, she is the one that has to make that decision.
I would imagine there must be support groups for women wanting to swop over totally to our Western lifestyle? Perhaps worth finding out if there are? It can be a more or less lonely experience to be leading a different lifestyle/thinking differently to those around you - and that sort of group would give her support in this. All that being told "You're wrong" - when you're not at all (you just think/act differently to those immediately around you in some respects) is wearing.0 -
andrewthomas2008 wrote: »That's easier said than done, as she can only marry a Muslim.
You know that's not true and so does she, and to be honest the pair of you need to address this sooner rather than later if you are to have any future.Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 20230 -
She can't have her cake and eat it. It seems that she is enjoying the freedom to drink and have sex but doesn't want the ex to enjoy the freedom to tell people about it. She can't have it both ways. If she doesn't want her family to know things she does, the only way to really prevent that is to stop doing them. She can't stop the ex telling the truth, although if the ex is still friends with the brother I'm not sure he would really tell him anyway as it might mean the end of their friendship.
However, I think it highly likely that some or most of the family, including her brother, probably already know she isn't all as she seems! People are never as good at hiding things as they think. I would say it's fairly common for younger Muslims to do things like drink and have relationships before marriage and the parents know but don't acknowledge it as it's easier all round.0
This discussion has been closed.
Categories
- All Categories
- 343K Banking & Borrowing
- 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 449.6K Spending & Discounts
- 235.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 607.8K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 173K Life & Family
- 247.8K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
- 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards