Is this financial abuse? or am i over reacting?
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(I've tidied this up somewhat - so OPs replies in blue, mine in red)
You know, you wouldn't have to "tidy this up somewhat" if you didn't do that silly red text all of the time!! I know WHY you do it, but it is really hard to address your points.
See how much easier this method is to address certain bits?OP I agree that I wouldn't pay my salary to my OH either. But it's not financial abuse. It's a difference of opinions in your marriage
Not that I'm going to add much other than to agree with you on that specific point, but a bit on the fence about the abuse bit... 0 -
I agree to quite an extent with what you've said.charlie792 wrote: »...
Me + partner have a similar arrangement. One takes control of all money and money is transferred into one single (non-joint) account to sort out core bills etc. The rest is drip-fed as and when as a sort of "pocket money".
A joint account would probably be a good idea like, but it would be a bit of an effort to set up and we aren't really sure how the bills would work etc. The current arrangement works fine for us.
That being said, it only works because of TRUST. I've only glanced OP's posts but it does feel like there's an element of mis-trust there, and if that's the case then OP is perfectly within their rights to stick with their own account or asking for a joint one. Theoretically, a partner should be respectful of their partner's wishes and make some effort to accommodate.
There's something to be said with just blindly trusting the partner here too.... As long as the main bills are covered for one month in the case of financial disaster (be it through a credit card or lending from family etc), you can give full control of the finances to partner and keep your eyes peeled for any red flags (bills going unpaid, no access to your money etc). A test of sorts.0 -
You know, you wouldn't have to "tidy this up somewhat" if you didn't do that silly red text all of the time!! I know WHY you do it, but it is really hard to address your points.
See how much easier this method is to address certain bits? Not that I'm going to add much other than to agree with you on that specific point, but a bit on the fence about the abuse bit...
Thanks, next time I need advice in my posting style; you’re top of the list... 😀😀0 -
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Nah, don't put me on the top of the list. Put those who want your advice on the top of the list.
If you have to "tidy up" a reply then you may have failed in that respect.
I put red text because it makes it clear what I’m replying to.
I tidied up because the OP also replied in red; making it difficult to read.
I tidied up the OPs reply; not my own. Not sure how I failed?...0 -
I agree with Financegeek's post above, especially the bullet points.
Why is there such an imbalance in who pays what, when you both earn such pretty much the same wage? What is the reason that you have taken on almost all of the bills, resulting in him contributing a lot less to the 'necessary' or 'basic' outgoings, and gets to budget (and control by the sounds of it) the 'entertainment' stuff?
If he's dead set against a joint account (cannot understand why tbh) then I would start by drawing up an SOA for ALL the household bills. For those bills he pays where you don't know the exact amount (of which there's hardly any) then guesstimate. It should be possible to get an accurate picture of all household bills - mortgage, council tax, water, electricity, gas, tv license, insurance, childcare, internet / tv, etc. Then divide it by 2. This is how much each of you should be contributing. If he does not want to manage this by you both putting this amount into a joint account for bills, then surely some of the bills can be reallocated to him to pay, so that it is fairly distributed in this 50/50 manner. You are then both equally contributing to all household bills and will both have money leftover to save / spend / treat eachother and the children as you see fit.0 -
sadly and totally irrelevant to OP but I spent many years being chipped away at , just over 2 decades.
It is very difficult to know whether other things are happening as OP doesn't say and more importantly may not realise , or it maybe OP is taking the OH's remarks and reading more into them than what is really meant.. who knows.
My only advice if it is the former and possibly think it maybe for OP to post reluctantly to random strangers , it may mean more going on and this is possibly a tip of the iceberg
Due to something similar happening to me it turned me into a total control freak when I finally left .
Although I did eventually re-marry it has been tough on my poor suffering OH . My finances are mine alone , no one knows anything that goes on in them and it's my house bought and paid for by me and I pay all the bills food and everything...
I never want to lose that control that for so long was totally taken away from me but slowly . I left with nothing and started again and that's what has made me into a complete money controller.. not of my OH's but over my finances and the erosion of confidence that is a symptom of what my ex's coercive control did to me .
Why not suggest some relationship counselling, even if your partner does not want to attend, it may give you a better perspective than on here, although everyones opinions are constructive and it opens up debate
A professional may help you unravel it for you and other things may come to light you hadn't thought was happening or it might put your fears to bed and the relationship can get better.
Whatever is or isn't happening communication must happen to get to the bottom of things.
Hope to hear some more positive news from you in the future ,0 -
OP - do you ever see each other's bank statements, either paper or online? Or is this a no-no nowadays. My husband and I used to leave them lying around so there was nothing hidden. I find it difficult to understand how a family unit can operate successfully if there's such secrecy regarding finances.0
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A lot of good advice here.
I’d just observe that this is a real sleight of hand as far as I can see. You ask him to contribute more and he makes it all about it being your fault for running up CC bills. And therefore makes you feel guilty. At least you are sticking to your guns which is good. And if he brings it up again I’d say you need to let him know you’re on to him and you aren’t having it. You could also, if you wanted, be clear that you know he is hiding things and that eventually it will come out in the open, it’s up to him whether that’s now or when a bailiff turns up but he can’t hide forever. And just let him think on it.
In the end you can only control what you do. Definitely do not give him access to your money, I think that’s one thing that everyone agrees on. Beyond that you need to figure out whether you’re prepared to let this go or not. And that has to be your call. If you were a single parent you would probably be in the same position re paying for everything with the kids. So is there anything he is adding to your life? Only you can figure that out.
How lucky are you that he house is in your name though!0 -
What's he doing on his phone? Are you sure he doesn't have a gambling problem?0
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