The Garden Fence - proper Old Style support and chat!

silver-oldie · 10 October 2018 at 7:01AM

fuddle wrote: »

I remember when it happened as well. A very hurtful situation. If its worth anything Facebook, to me, is full of bravado, fibs and keeping up with the Jones' in terms of lifestyle. Who knows, it might be socially acceptable in her group of friends to slag off the world and by simply naming you 'poxy' gave her kudos in the world of her fb gang.

I would like to think she never meant it. She was fitting in with her small minded fb friends. I mean, to say something positive about inlaws just isn't cool right??

Coming from a similar position silver-oldie I really am not qualified to give you advice here but... imagine if she really thinks highly of you, that it was bravado, a quick silly fb post (her lack of security settings makes me think she has no malice really) that she has forgotten all about it and would be horrified if she knew you had harboured ill feeling about her all this time. You could broach it in a lovely calm way, hold her hand look her in the eye and show your hurt. I dare to hope that there would be tears and a hug in return. Xx

DiL is in her late 30's, has an extremely responsible job, not a silly teenager.

If it were not for our DGS I'd have said something sooner, but we don't see him very often, and he is not old enough to visit on his own, so it's difficult.

I've invited them to visit this weekend, said they will let me know later if they can come.

fuddle · 10 October 2018 at 8:36AM

I'm also in my late 30's but I don't have a very responsible job. That has nothing to do with how a person acts within the company that they keep. I have a very fractious relationship with my mother in law and wouldn't dream of calling her on facebook. In fact I would be stupid to, she would see it! Thats why I'm suggesting it's something small, not meant to hurt and just language fitting in with the tone of what she sees from her friends on her own Facebook feed.

I understand you're hurt. I'm not sticking up for her in anyway. I think she was stupid and it is hurtful what she has put. All I'm trying to do is lessen the pain for you because I know what 30somethings put on Facebook. It's nonsense. It's annoying and quite pathetic. People don't behave in life like they write on Facebook. Just trying to help that's all.

whiteguineapig · 10 October 2018 at 8:59AM

Silver Oldie, I can't remember the name for these type of sayings but I think you really do have "all your eggs in one basket" if you see what I mean.
Please tread lightly , sometimes you really do have to be "the bigger person" I also wonder if she will actually have attached any significance to saying it and it was almost a "throwaway remark" which she has long forgotten about.
I haven't found myself in this situation with such a close family member so I'm not sure what I "would" do, and everybody else has said the opposite of what I "think" I would do (I am pretty sure I would grit my teeth and be the bigger person as I wouldn't want to make any waves for Ds)

[Deleted User] · 10 October 2018 at 9:12AM

The problem with not saying anything is that it's ALWAYS in your head and goes round in never ending circles and it flavours all of life. It may just have been a passing comment posted in a moment of angst caused by some other unrelated thing and putting the poster in a general bad mood but it's really hurt SilverOldie and is continuing to hurt her and until she actually knows the truth of her relationship with her son and daughter in law it will leave her unsettled and upset which isn't comfortable as a way of life. To ask the question in a calm and non-confrontational way over a cup of coffee will hopefully get an explanation and clear the air to a new start in the family dynamics and some peace of mind for SO.

whiteguineapig · 10 October 2018 at 9:21AM

Yes you are right Mrs LW (you usually are I think), I will go all around the houses to avoid these sort of confrontations though, but yes I think you are right, I just don't think I could do it.

fuddle · 10 October 2018 at 9:30AM

I get it I really do. For a long time I wouldn't speak to Mil. I had done nothing wrong, I'd actually confronted her on issues to do with my children - things like telling them "what happens in my house stays in my house" not to tell us things that happen - she had left them in a swimming pool alone and at the time my youngest couldn't swim. Or leaving them in the car for 45 minutes alone while she did her grocery shopping. The car alarm went off as the girls were sat in the car and was drawing attention to them from strangers coming up to the car. They were destraught. The way she 'cared' for my children wasn't acceptable to me and it came to a point, along with other unacceptable things, and where I had to speak to her about it. What she did was turn my half an hour conversation into "fuddle shouted at me, I'm not having that disrespect" and didn't acknowledge any of her wrongdoing. I didn't shout. I was very firm but I didn't shout. My problem was then that she'd lied about me and deflected away from any of her own wrong doing. I awaited an apology. One never came. I awaited some sort of acknowledgement that I had concerns over her treatment of my children. Nothing came. For about 8 months I got more and more angry. It wasn't good for me and it became a problem for my girls and DH. DH couldn't even mention his mother without me seething and the girls couldn't see their grandma, even if they wanted to.

It came to the point where I had to be the bigger person and just forget. I haven't, not at all. I've cut members of my own family off for for less! But I have to maintain something of a relationship for the good of the people I love. Non of it is spoken about by her. I still haven't had an apology and I am still having to put up with jibes. So what. That says something about her, not me. My husband respects me and my girls, who k ow everything, thank me for letting them stay with their gran. My husband and my girls know exactly what their mother/gran has done and is doing to me in terms of goading. I see them moving away from her a little. That's their choice based on and what they're seeing. I, however, am respected for forgetting and trying to move on.

I'm not some super cool human. I can't tolerate being 'walked all over' but what is important is my family.

I'm writing this to help show that sometimes, even with a frank discussion and identifying issues that problems may never be resolved. They may even get worse BUT I no longer seethe at the very mention of her name and that a much healthier position for me mentally.

[Deleted User] · 10 October 2018 at 10:52AM

You're right to do what works for you Fuddle, and a much better human being than I'll ever be for being actually able to do it! My admiration for you grows pet, that's a truly adult attitude and I wouldn't be able to put it aside. I don't know that I ever got to confrontation status with my MIL who detested me as heartily and robustly as I detested her but it festered underneath the conventional civility of dealing with each other until the day she died and I freely admit I could not mourn her passing, it was like being let out of jail and walking back into the sunshine. Well done girlie, there is so much good in you xxx.

whiteguineapig · 10 October 2018 at 12:08PM

Fuddle you are also a better person than me.
I think also that I was a bit worried that Silver Oldie has a small family and (sorry if I'm wrong SO) these are the only relatives that she has, so she wants to keep on good terms with them.

fuddle · 10 October 2018 at 12:26PM

No, not at all. I'm not a better person. Secretly I wish DD and the girls would cut her off and non of us have anything to do with her ever again! It's different because I lived a life cut off from my family. Only these past couple of years have I had my dad's sisters back in my life. I grew up from the age of ten with no one outside my Mam and sister. I have limited social skills and pretty limited tolerance levels for nonsense. I'm a bit damaged I think and I couldn't do that to my girls. It has to be their choice and DH? She left him with his dad when he was a lad. He had to go to court to fight for the right to care for him and his older sister because his mam was taking the child benefit money. She took the baby of the family (Jones, the SIL) and cared for her but the older ones, no. He forgave and just let live years ago. He just wants a happy life. This is nothing in comparison but at thee same time he has his eyes open and knows about her flaws.

It's just all very difficult. I'm just trying to do the best thing. I not a better person for it really, just damaged and don't want my family to suffer because of my mistakes like I suffered with my Mam's.

Isn't life exhausting!

silver-oldie · 10 October 2018 at 4:43PM

whiteguineapig wrote: »

I think also that I was a bit worried that Silver Oldie has a small family and (sorry if I'm wrong SO) these are the only relatives that she has, so she wants to keep on good terms with them.

Whiteguineapig you are right I don't have a big family, and our Dgs means the world to us.

Sadly Dil had previously made a comment on fb about my DH.

I have invited them to visit us this weekend,I'm still waiting for her to let us know if they will come

Fuddle you are a far better person than me

MrsLurcherwalker wise words thank you

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