Families and bereavement - loads of problems
Comments
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That was the meaning of "barring other factors"!0
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This doesn't work for many reasons.
One child may live hundreds or thousands of miles away.
One child may have no life commitments whilst another may have a job
For example one of my sisters lives 5 min from my dad, I live 5 hours away. She doesn't have a job, I work 50+ hours a week.
If Dad got ill, my sister would look after him (we have already discussed this)
She shouldn't get more of a say or more of anything based on this.
We have encouraged dad to make a will being very specific about certain aspects to prevent this sort of argument.
Your best option, in the absence of any written request by your dad, is to give you step-brother a portion of the ashes to do with as he sees fit.
After all, he WAS his father as well and different people show love in different ways to their parents. It is rarely conditional
I think that in some areas she should. Day to day care issues, additional help, respite, day to day expenses, aids to help her care for him more easily etc, etc. If she is at the coal face then her needs and wants need to be factored in and should override the thoughts of those not actively physically involved on a daily basis.0 -
I suppose it also depends on how much of a head of steam he has going about it. If you don't engage with it and just quietly carry on with your garden of remembrance plans is he likely to lose interest anyway?
Thanks, but I very much doubt it. It's a pity he wasn't so engaged with my poor dad when he had breath in his body0 -
This doesn't work for many reasons.
One child may live hundreds or thousands of miles away.
One child may have no life commitments whilst another may have a job
For example one of my sisters lives 5 min from my dad, I live 5 hours away. She doesn't have a job, I work 50+ hours a week.
If Dad got ill, my sister would look after him (we have already discussed this)
She shouldn't get more of a say or more of anything based on this.
We have encouraged dad to make a will being very specific about certain aspects to prevent this sort of argument.
Your best option, in the absence of any written request by your dad, is to give you step-brother a portion of the ashes to do with as he sees fit.
After all, he WAS his father as well and different people show love in different ways to their parents. It is rarely conditional
I hear what you're saying about how people have different life commitments etc, and yes, you're right.
I always expected to do more, partly because I wanted to help him and partly because one brother doesn't live here - but the other one lives 5 minutes away and has transport, and often likes to ponce around town in it. But he didn't seem to think that I should do more, he took it for granted that I would do it all.
I was on shank's pony and did everything other than just visit my dad for a cuppa - that would have been lovely to just be able to sit with him without having a million things to sort out, which caused a lot of stress, which is unbearable now when I think about it.
It would have benefited both dad and I if he had someone else see him for a day once in a while.
Obviously if he had other commitments etc all that should be taken into consideration - but he NEVER did anything other than 'pop' in here and there and only came down more during the last months - but still did nothing to speak of, and only EVER did things on his terms. Never put dad first and then arrange what he wanted to do, it was always him first. It never crossed his mind that it was very distressing for me to see dad slowly deteriorate and often walk home in tears.
To be honest, I would have stayed with dad a lot anyway even if all the chores were done as I wouldn't want him being lonely, but it was like a military operation if I had to be away for a day - and I still went if I could before or after whatever I had to do. He's seen me awake for 36 hours straight many a time when dad had to go into hospital and I've stayed with him, not once did he say he'd take over.
I know I'm not the only one this has happened to. I want people to know that. I know I'm rambling on, but it's just so upsetting - especially after the latest thing, see below.0 -
Hi all,
About 8 or so months ago dads 'son' took a BIG box of dads photo's. The box also had lots of postcards dad had sent as a young man to our grandparents.
He never fetched them back and every few weeks I'd ask dad to ask him what he's doing with them as I had put all the photo's in this box.
He told dad he was scanning them, which is fair enough. Dad wasn't happy at how long he had them and would often forget to ask him. Dad said he had a habit of not returning things. I knew he'd probably keep them out of spite.
Dad never got them back.
Well I got back to mine last night and saw a small packet on the floor as I went in.
The maggot had sent 58 pictures. 45 didn't have dad on, and a lot of them were of people I didn't even know from way back. Even my dad didn't know who some of them were when we'd looked at them.
There was 13 with dad on, and out of them 5 were of dad on a hill or something when he used to go walking and was hardly recognisable or visible, 2 were identical and had dad 'just in shot' at the edge of the photo, 2 were blurry and 1 had someone's finger half over the lens. None of the postcards were in, not one.
There was loads of nice photo's because dad and I sat one day and went through the lot.
He was meant to be scanning them, which means he had no reason not to return them afterwards. Obviously there was some that he would keep as they were of him, but there was loads of dad. And if he wanted to keep some (which he's entitled to) he should've returned two thirds back and give us the option of getting a copy of any he wanted.
He's poison! absolute poison.0 -
happyandcontented wrote: »I think that in some areas she should. Day to day care issues, additional help, respite, day to day expenses, aids to help her care for him more easily etc, etc. If she is at the coal face then her needs and wants need to be factored in and should override the thoughts of those not actively physically involved on a daily basis.
The needs, wants and wishes of the older person themselves should be paramount, not the offspring (present or absent, carer or carefree).
This holds even with fluctuating or reduced mental capacity.
We all need to better communicate our wishes for our future care with our immediate family.Declutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️0 -
The needs, wants and wishes of the older person themselves should be paramount, not the offspring (present or absent, carer or carefree).
This holds even with fluctuating or reduced mental capacity.
We all need to better communicate our wishes for our future care with our immediate family.
In an ideal world, I would agree with this but quite often it is simply not possible (person wants to stay at home, there is no-one to care for them there so relative moves them into a home) Please don't add to the guilt of those of us who have to make decisions that are the opposite of what our relatives want.0 -
Skibunny40 wrote: »In an ideal world, I would agree with this but quite often it is simply not possible (person wants to stay at home, there is no-one to care for them there so relative moves them into a home) Please don't add to the guilt of those of us who have to make decisions that are the opposite of what our relatives want.
Apologies for lack of clarity causing distress/ upset.
That has happened in my family too. 
By "we all need to better communicate our wishes for our future care" I meant well ahead of time. Ideally whilst we still have time to consider the practicalities, to prepare.
My parents had everything sorted in their early fifties: documentation (PoA, 'living wills'), downsized to an almost future-proof property, finances. Very much influenced by the last years of each member of the generation before.
I intend to follow my parents' excellent example. :TDeclutterbug-in-progress.⭐️⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️0 -
The needs, wants and wishes of the older person themselves should be paramount, not the offspring (present or absent, carer or carefree).
This holds even with fluctuating or reduced mental capacity.
We all need to better communicate our wishes for our future care with our immediate family.
Well of course, that goes without saying (if it is at all possible)
My point was that offspring who are not involved with the nitty-gritty of day to day care and all that entails, may often feel that x is not needed or y shouldn't be an issue, when in reality, it very much is, for the one who is doing it.0 -
Hi all,
About 8 or so months ago dads 'son' took a BIG box of dads photo's. The box also had lots of postcards dad had sent as a young man to our grandparents.
He never fetched them back and every few weeks I'd ask dad to ask him what he's doing with them as I had put all the photo's in this box.
He told dad he was scanning them, which is fair enough. Dad wasn't happy at how long he had them and would often forget to ask him. Dad said he had a habit of not returning things. I knew he'd probably keep them out of spite.
Dad never got them back.
Well I got back to mine last night and saw a small packet on the floor as I went in.
The maggot had sent 58 pictures. 45 didn't have dad on, and a lot of them were of people I didn't even know from way back. Even my dad didn't know who some of them were when we'd looked at them.
There was 13 with dad on, and out of them 5 were of dad on a hill or something when he used to go walking and was hardly recognisable or visible, 2 were identical and had dad 'just in shot' at the edge of the photo, 2 were blurry and 1 had someone's finger half over the lens. None of the postcards were in, not one.
There was loads of nice photo's because dad and I sat one day and went through the lot.
He was meant to be scanning them, which means he had no reason not to return them afterwards. Obviously there was some that he would keep as they were of him, but there was loads of dad. And if he wanted to keep some (which he's entitled to) he should've returned two thirds back and give us the option of getting a copy of any he wanted.
He's poison! absolute poison.
#
This was done just out of sheer spite - no other reason for it! I absolutely despise him. I know I shouldn't let it bother me as that's exactly what he wants, but this whole thing has got me ill.0
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