Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

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  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Brighton_belle wrote: »
    Really glad you rang the Samaritans Torry - that is what they are there for.
    I just want to echo what others are saying - there is no way you can cope with more than an hour at a time at the mo, let alone 'have some sort of 'stucture'. No the pain is too bad. Just getting up and dressed, at some point in the day, is a huge achievement.
    I hope you managed to have a little food today.

    I had some baked potato at lunch. A friend came round in the evening and took me out for a burger. It gave me a distraction for a little bit.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
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    That's good you managed to eat something and had a brief time of distraction. You must be utterly exhausted on every level.
    I hope the night is not too long but know it probably will be. The Samaritans will be there again tonight if you need them.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • Misslayed
    Misslayed Posts: 14,174 Senior Ambassador
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    Good evening Torry, how has your day been?
    I’m a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Competition Time, Site Feedback and Marriage, Relationships and Families boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com All views are my own and not the official line of Money Saving Expert.
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Misslayed wrote: »
    Good evening Torry, how has your day been?

    Last night was a better sleep with the sleeping tablet, tonight I don't have one so it could be a long night. Afriend took me out for a coffee which broke up my day. Coming home to an empty house is so hard.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • Misslayed
    Misslayed Posts: 14,174 Senior Ambassador
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    I'm sometimes on line in the small hours, others may be too. Always worth a post to see who responds.
    The nights can be so long, but nobody says you must sleep, or stay in your bed.
    There's all kinds of carp on the tv in the night time. I'm not suggesting you want to watch it, it's just a noise, or company while you howl, if that's what you need to do.
    Sending you a virtual hug
    I’m a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Competition Time, Site Feedback and Marriage, Relationships and Families boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com All views are my own and not the official line of Money Saving Expert.
  • Misslayed
    Misslayed Posts: 14,174 Senior Ambassador
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    PS Your house is not completely empty, some of us are lurking in the ether, ready to support you through this trying time, however long it takes.
    I’m a Senior Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Competition Time, Site Feedback and Marriage, Relationships and Families boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com All views are my own and not the official line of Money Saving Expert.
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Misslayed wrote: »
    PS Your house is not completely empty, some of us are lurking in the ether, ready to support you through this trying time, however long it takes.

    Thanks that's good.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • wort
    wort Posts: 1,674 Forumite
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    Oh Torry, I feel your pain, some days are worse than others. As someone said ignore those who tell you to get a routine or how you should feel, no one but you know how you feel.

    I was lucky I have a large caring family, my sister still calls round every day. I've wished to go back in time, and to do things differently but I've realised that's normal, I talk to him as I wonder round the house,and speak about him all the time the same way I did when he was alive.
    He'll always be a big part of my life, and I'm lucky we had those 30 years together.

    I hope you find counselling a help, I only went around 3 times but just sitting and saying every thing I wanted to say ,the unfairness, the loss and crying uninhibited was very helpful to me. Make sure to take sunglasses to cover your face if walking home, I had some stares!
    Remember the shock is a big part of your grief too. It is still hard for me to realise that this is my life now and it will never be the same.
    But I must carry on I owe it to both of us .

    It's good you rang the samaritans, I read a book my sister gave me ,called death and how to survive it by Kate Boy Dell, She was a young widow herself with 2 children . It's her story and it's not all sad she shares her feelings and advice, she also has a website https://www.merrywidow.me.uk
    Big hugs xx
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • wort
    wort Posts: 1,674 Forumite
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    White musk I'm pleased your move has gone well, and you're feeling it's been the right thing to do, we make some strange choices when we are grieving don't we. Having nice neighbours is good and though it will take time to get exactly how you want it, it's made you feel more settled if I'm reading it right.
    I kondoed my house, and I love it , I find everything easily, and it's so easy to clean and look after. I'm actually finding I want to have less and less!!
    I hope you'll be happy in your new home x
    Focus on contribution instead of the impressiveness of consumption to see the true beauty in people.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 12,492 Forumite
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    wort wrote: »
    I talk to him as I wonder round the house,and speak about him all the time the same way I did when he was alive.

    I do that all the time, I ask him if I cannot find something, if I need to make a decision or when sitting reading in that sunny window, like we used to do. I say daft things like `lovely day` and when I go to bed, I always say night night to him.

    I found a small curly white feather on my bed the other day, while the grandchildren were downstairs learning a new hobby from me. There is nothing in that room with feathers and the window was shut. I saw feathers lots of times in the first year, not so many now but I am coping better now, getting ready to buy a new home, all by myself and that is one great big step forward
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