Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

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  • Brighton_belle
    Brighton_belle Posts: 5,223 Forumite
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    I think you just need to find your base line, otherwise it's going to add your sense of overwhelm. I think I am right in saying you suffer from significant fatigue anyway, so that is even more important to not push beyond what you can manage.
    I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Brighton_belle wrote: »
    I think you just need to find your base line, otherwise it's going to add your sense of overwhelm. I think I am right in saying you suffer from significant fatigue anyway, so that is even more important to not push beyond what you can manage.

    Yes you're right that i have health problems. I've been having to go beyond my usual but that can't continue
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • Elona_2
    Elona_2 Posts: 361 Forumite
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    Torry

    Not wanting this to sound patronising as it is meant as the opposite - just getting through each day, breathing in and out, eating a little and staying hydrated is a big deal. Clean pjs or outfit ,changing bed or putting laundry in the machine is a real achievement when all you want to do is find somewhere to hide and never come out.

    Hugs
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Elona wrote: »
    Torry

    Not wanting this to sound patronising as it is meant as the opposite - just getting through each day, breathing in and out, eating a little and staying hydrated is a big deal. Clean pjs or outfit ,changing bed or putting laundry in the machine is a real achievement when all you want to do is find somewhere to hide and never come out.

    Hugs
    It sounds fine to me and not at all patronising.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 4,992 Forumite
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    Torry, don't worry about what anyone else thinks you should do. Until they've experienced it, they have no idea what it's like, how physical and utterly debilitating it is. There is no 'should' about what to do or how to feel - however you feel and whatever you do (or don't do!) is right for you. It's awful beyond words, and at times it's an achievement just having one breath follow another when the last thing you want is to continue on your own. You aren't going mad, even when you think you are.

    But it does gradually become more manageable. It won't stay relentlessly this awful all the time. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you will cope.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    Today has been very mixed. The bill for the funeral came along with a couple of letters asking why they hadn't been able to take the direct debits.

    I decided I needed to get out so went to Boots to print a photo of him but my phone wouldn't connect. I asked the person next to me and she tried to help without success. I told her what the photo was and the importance of it. The assistant said that I needed to go to the large Boots in town however the young woman said send it to me and I can print it from my phone. This she did and wouldn't even let me pay! People can be so kind
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 4,992 Forumite
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    Torry, not wanting to pry into your circumstances, but if there will be probate involved the funeral can be paid out of money that's in your husband's name. You just contact the bank and then send them the bill and they pay the funeral director directly. (When contacting banks etc, ask to be put through to the bereavement department.)

    People in general want to help - worth bearing in mind when they say the 'wrong' thing because they don't know what to say.

    Life wll be mixed - and surreal - for a long time to come, but it's great that you are able to recognise the kindness of the woman who sorted the photo for you despite how awful you are feeling.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • Torry_Quine
    Torry_Quine Posts: 18,833 Forumite
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    itsanne wrote: »
    Torry, not wanting to pry into your circumstances, but if there will be probate involved the funeral can be paid out of money that's in your husband's name. You just contact the bank and then send them the bill and they pay the funeral director directly. (When contacting banks etc, ask to be put through to the bereavement department.)

    People in general want to help - worth bearing in mind when they say the 'wrong' thing because they don't know what to say.

    Life wll be mixed - and surreal - for a long time to come, but it's great that you are able to recognise the kindness of the woman who sorted the photo for you despite how awful you are feeling.

    I showed the death certificate to his bank and they closed the account and transferred the money to me.
    Lost my soulmate so life is empty.

    I can bear pain myself, he said softly, but I couldna bear yours. That would take more strength than I have -
    Diana Gabaldon, Outlander
  • itsanne
    itsanne Posts: 4,992 Forumite
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    Torry_Quine wrote: »
    I showed the death certificate to his bank and they closed the account and transferred the money to me.

    I'm only mentioning money because you posted about the funeral bill and direct debits. I'm not asking about your circumstances or intending you to respond, but money can be tied up for a quite a while after a death. If your husband had any other money (eg an ISA) that you can't access until after any necessary formalities, that money is allowed to be used to pay for the funeral.
    . . .I did not speak out

    Then they came for me
    And there was no one left
    To speak out for me..

    Martin Niemoller
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 12,492 Forumite
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    itsanne wrote: »
    money can be tied up for a quite a while after a death..

    absolutely right, hence being so good to have some money in a joint account. Some transfers took a fair amount of time, I was glad of my savings

    Three years tomorrow. I will be out at an all day crafting group and know that I will be relaxed in doing my work and chatting to others, this will help me to `forget` the date. Last year I went to an NT property and had lunch out but it is better to be with others

    Each of the past three years has been very different, raw grief, learning to live alone, de-cluttering and moving on. The letters and bills finally stopped early in year 3 and finances stabilised. Now starting year 4 and with the help of the MK thread, my house is mine and not ours and I am ready to move on, am actively looking for a new home, my own. It was hard to loosen the ties but it was important for me to do so. My life is still evolving
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