I've quit everything. Now what ?

dreaming · 14 April 2017 at 2:32PM

lessonlearned wrote: »

I know I sound horrible and I don't want to burst your euphoria bubble but it's generally not a good sign that tradespeople are available at the drop of a hat.

"CAn do it next week" would have alarm bells ringing for me, sorry.
Don't mean to be negative, but do be careful.

The best tradespeople are like the best doctors.....they have long waiting lists!!!l.

I bet you'll miss your DD when she leaves. I sobbed buckets when mine flew the nest but they came back.

My wise old mum once told me.

"Our children are not ours to keep, we only get to borrow them for a while". Very true.

All we can do is trust them. If we have done a good job they will be fine and more to the point they will stay in touch, coming back for visits and letting us remain a part of their lives. If we cling and try to hold on too long we stifle them and clip their wings. We have to let go and let them fly.

It can be hard to let go but If we get it right they come back as friends and equals. (And not naughty boys!!!)

Agree with LL about tradies who are too available.

LL - trouble is with eldest is that she did leave home 19 years ago but "pinged" back to me 3 years ago after an abusive relationship and drink and drug abuse which she had hidden for all of that time by cutting us (me, her dad and sister) out of her life as much as possible. Basically had a complete mental breakdown and has been diagnosed with a number of "issues" (currently undergoing assessment for Aspergers/Autism) but has been alcohol and drug free for 3 years. Although part of me would love her to move out, and on (I would dearly like my own space back) there is also part of me that doubts whether she really understands what is involved in living "independently" (although is moving in with new partner who she hasn't known very long). She is moving away from home town too so don't feel that I can support by "popping in". Her dad thinks everything will be fine but he doesn't live with us so doesn't see her when she is very depressed and doesn't speak for days on end and just eats everything in sight (despite also being recently diagnosed as "pre-diabetic"). He thinks I am just being over-protective (hence the throttling remark).
When I left work to have eldest (nearly 38 years ago now - eek!) someone wrote in my leaving card that kids "when they're little they break your arms; when they're grown they break your heart". Truer words were never spoken!

Blah - not going to get maudlin today. A buttered hot cross bun (sadly no Mick Hucknall) will hit the spot.

lessonlearned · 14 April 2017 at 2:56PM

Oh dear Dreaming. I'm not surprised you are ambivalent about her leaving. Of course you are concerned. I would be too.

Does she have any input from adult social services. My niece aged 32 has Aspergers and she does have some kind of support worker, although due to all the cuts she has had her contact hours reduced.

My SIL (her mum) does live nearby so she can keep any eye on things. I know SIL worries like crazy though and it's hard work for her. Very stressful at times.

Hope all goes well. How do you rate the new partner. Will he step up to the plate and be supportive. Will he be able to cope.

I know my niece will never have a relationship with anyone, she would never be able to handle it. She couldn't cope. Such a shame because she's a nice girl, very intelligent. However, She can't even hold down a job. Bless her, not much of a life for a young person.

I'm blessed with my sons. They were real hard work when they were little. Very active and I was hard pressed to keep up with them sometimes but they have grown into nice young men, even if I do say so myself.

dreaming · 14 April 2017 at 3:40PM

Thanks LL. No help really at all unfortunately. She has been on Probation for possession of drugs and I hoped she would get some help there but no. As long as she turns up they seem to just tick the box. The doctor has prescribed anti-depressents and telephone counselling but as she struggles to communicate on the phone she wouldn't co-operate. It has taken the 3 years to get an initial assessment re autism and they have now referred her for more in-dept assessment (in 6 months) but as she is moving out of area I fear she may not get it after all.
I have not met new (female) partner although I have suggested it, but she also has some medical/emotional problems. Despite me trying to talk her into waiting (at least until autism assessment) eldest is adamant that I am the only one who is worried. Apparently "everyone else" (her dad, probation officer, friends (who are actually mainly online friends)) think it is a good idea. Unfortunately as she is in her 30's and not deemed "at risk" I can't prevent her from moving out. Eldest also has a very high IQ and is a skilled computer programmer, but struggles with social contact, telephones, and organisational skills so is not currently working. She also cannot recognise subtleties in conversation, or people's emotions from their expressions and is extremely logical and pedantic in her thinking (imagine Mr Spock from Star Trek at his most annoying) which winds a lot of people up if they don't know her. In my opinion she also does not have the emotional capacity, or enough self-awareness to sustain a relationship after the initial excitement has died, and has a tendency to just withdraw into a very passive mode where others can easily control her (as in her previous relationship). That is what her dad doesn't see, as he only sees her for an hour or so every few weeks, and she is usually able to portray herself as very articulate and capable for a short time. He doesn't see her when she is in her withdrawn state when I'm lucky to get a dozen words out of her for days on end. I have told him but he thinks I am being over-protective and over-dramatic. But then he won't be the one trying to pick up the pieces if it all goes wrong, as he is much too busy with his job and partner and has too many debts to be able to help financially. Eldest only gets basic JSA and I get nothing as I have pension and savings so I have pretty much supported her for 3 years.
All I can really do is let her go (I can't actually stop her anyway) and try to keep up the contact but it will be very one-way as with her it's a case of out of sight, out of mind. I hope I'm wrong and eldest and new partner get on well and enjoy their life together but I also fear that with the proposed cuts in social care/benefits that they will be living hand to mouth and the pressures on them will be great.

Sorry - seem to have taken over your lovely new thread AC. Would much rather think about your bathroom and painting, or wondering if I could film Alfie-cat doing something incredibly cute so I can post it on the internet and make millions. Does laying on the bed, snoring, count? (Alfie that is - not me).

lessonlearned · 14 April 2017 at 4:21PM

Oh dear, bless you. I wont say try not to worry because that would be insulting........

Yeah lets get back to the decorating.

Although you can't beat a cute cat video, or stupid dogs getting in a pickle or babies dancing or pictures of interesting "stuff".

Have seen the most fabulous barn conversion on RM.

But................it's right at the top of my budget. It would mean Cleaning myself out. I would certainly have to kiss nice holidays goodbye.

Do I really want to go back to counting every penny at my age just for a (very) cute house.

Why are the nice ones always "just that bit too much".

Grrrrrr. :rotfl:

I will bide my time. It's been on a while, they might reduce it a bit.

As they say......"If it's for me, it won't go by me"

It might have my name on it.

candygirl · 14 April 2017 at 5:09PM

Well done on the decorating AC :T
DREAMING, i'm so sorry to hear of your struggles with DD :-(
LL Hope you find somewhere you like, but can still manage to gallivant every so.often

another_casualty · 14 April 2017 at 5:56PM

Thanks again everyone

Dreaming , sorry to hear of the family struggles . Nothing is easy unfortunately , but I'm sure you're doing s great job under the circumstances . 2 of my closest friends have grown up sons/ daughters who have a d h d / autism. So, in a way I can understand .

So, back to me I guess

( btw feel free to talk about anything on here . We can all be there for someone somehow I'm sure)

The second guy I saw this morning gave the quote all printed out.
This includes tiling both kitchen and bathroom floors etc.
Trying not to overload or complicate things here , but the guy I saw yesterday hasnt printed any quotation down . He wasn't gonna do tiling in the bathroom etc.
The guy today knows there is work there in front of him, an empty flat with potential for his pockets. May sound too blunt , but I think you understand .
Okay , down to the nitty gritty ; bathroom £6,500 / kitchen £8,000
He did say I may have to add £3-600 for contingency etc.

So, my thinking is £8,000 initially quoted for both kitchen and bathroom. In reality, I think £10,000 should cover everything .
In a way, not too sad . They do everything from start to finish .
No dribs and drabs and in theory an easy life.

Important stuff : 25% on instruction
,,,,,, 25% within the first week.
This means £4,000 in the first week , and £4,000 upto £6,000 on completion
I have his bank details already.
If there are any alarm bells I'm sure someone will scream at me .

I told him I would let him know on Tuesday . He Wants to start on weds. He wants a true answer as he doesn't want to,let anyone else
down .

Just been down to see my friends& family .Been invited over on Sunday for dinner. Maybe going to Poole quay as well.

So many letters from edf from my old address. This is because I used to be an edf customer there. My new flat is edf, so I thought I'd just make life easier. I have lots of chain mail from them for both addresses . I did tell them to change the gas meter back to ordinary tariff. I'll have to call them tomorrow . Hopefully I won't be calling them rude names . We'll see

another_casualty · 14 April 2017 at 6:08PM

lessonlearned wrote: »

I know I sound horrible and I don't want to burst your euphoria bubble but it's generally not a good sign that tradespeople are available at the drop of a hat.

"CAn do it next week" would have alarm bells ringing for me, sorry.
Don't mean to be negative, but do be careful.

The best tradespeople are like the best doctors.....they have long waiting lists!!!l.

If it's a job like a bathroom or kitchen then I sometimes have to wait several months for my go to guy. If it's just a little thing then he'll slot me in between his bigger jobs, often at very short notice. I don't mind, he's worth the wait and if it is very short notice and I am committed to being out of house then I'm quite happy to give him a key and leave him to it.

Just had a happy hour tackling my wardrobes, supervised by the moggie. Can't do any more because he's decided he's tired and is currently spreadeagled on my bed so now I can't finish up in there. Good excuse for a coffee break.

Got a nice pile for the charity shops but will just load it up in the car for now. I'm not venturing out on the roads today. It will be chaos. Likewise the supermarkets. Easter chocolate was purchased a couple of weeks ago so that's the really important stuff taken care of.

(Not for me ....for the kids, they might be in their 30s but they would be mortified if they didn't get eggs and choccy bunnies). We are all still big kids at heart.

Loving the Mick Hucknall bunny joke.

Dreaming.....like you I will not set foot in a supermarket or shopping mall during a bank holiday. I even avoid them at the weekend if I possibly can. I appreciate if you are working full time you have no choice and of course you can't always leave the kids behind. I do feel sorry for folk dragging round the supermarkets, kids in tow. Definitely not my idea of fun.

My kids were a nightmare when they were little.

True story......I once managed to go to Asda by myself. A huge out of town complex which you would think would be pretty anonymous and no one would remember you. . It was such a pleasure to be toddler free and I was enjoying it so much I decided to go for a cup of coffee. The lady who served me recognised me and said "where are your children today, they are such naughty boys aren't they" .......oh the shame!!! :rotfl:

I guess they must have made quite an impression (for all the wrong reasons).......

I bet you'll miss your DD when she leaves. I sobbed buckets when mine flew the nest but they came back.

My wise old mum once told me.

"Our children are not ours to keep, we only get to borrow them for a while". Very true.

All we can do is trust them. If we have done a good job they will be fine and more to the point they will stay in touch, coming back for visits and letting us remain a part of their lives. If we cling and try to hold on too long we stifle them and clip their wings. We have to let go and let them fly.

It can be hard to let go but If we get it right they come back as friends and equals. (And not naughty boys!!!)

Thanks LL

I'll get the right job done in theory , but I'll see what tomorrow's guy is like .
Rated people have sent 2 people so far. One more . I'll have to think long and hard .
I may find someone local tonight and see if I can get another quote .

You never sound horrible LL

. You just say it as it is .Best way to be

lessonlearned · 14 April 2017 at 7:01PM

AC. I'm a bit confused re your kitchen.

I was under the impression that you were just replacing doors, worktops, tiling and floor coverings. Have you now decided on a complete Refit.

Plus......

1. Initial quote £8k for both kitchen and bathroom.
2. Then £6.5k for bathroom and £8k for kitchen.
3. Then you say £10k for both.

Sorry if I've missed something but it doesn't compute.

re stage payments.

Tricky.

It is generally standard procedure for larger jobs but I wouldnt be paying anything upfront unless I knew the tradesperson......not for a complete stranger. You don't know them from Adam.

Most reputable established trades should have an account with their suppliers for materials etc.

Even if they are perfectly legit you don't know how good they are, their standard of work.

Personally I would never entrust a complete stranger with a fairly large project like a Kitchen or bathroom. I always try them out on small jobs first.

Maybe I'm too cautious.

Re pricing.

I have known my go to guy for about 20 years. He is neither the cheapest nor the most expensive but he is the best. He has my absolute trust. He never asks for money up front, although on the big jobs where he has to subcontract i.e. Plasterers, sparkies, etc then I make stage payments so he can pay the subbies.

another_casualty · 14 April 2017 at 7:18PM

lessonlearned wrote: »

AC. I'm a bit confused re your kitchen.

I was under the impression that you were just replacing doors, worktops, tiling and floor coverings. Have you now decided on a complete Refit.

Plus......

1. Initial quote £8k for both kitchen and bathroom.
2. Then £6.5k for bathroom and £8k for kitchen.
3. Then you say £10k for both.

Sorry if I've missed something but it doesn't compute.

re stage payments.

Tricky.

It is generally standard procedure for larger jobs but I wouldnt be paying anything upfront unless I knew the tradesperson......not for a complete stranger. You don't know them from Adam.

Most reputable established trades should have an account with their suppliers for materials etc.

Even if they are perfectly legit you don't know how good they are, their standard of work.

Personally I would never entrust a complete stranger with a fairly large project like a Kitchen or bathroom. I always try them out on small jobs first.

Maybe I'm too cautious.

Re pricing.

I have known my go to guy for about 20 years. He is neither the cheapest nor the most expensive but he is the best. He has my absolute trust. He never asks for money up front, although on the big jobs where he has to subcontract i.e. Plasterers, sparkies, etc then I make stage payments so he can pay the subbies.

Thanks LL

I was typing too fast tbh, and caused confusion with pricing .
It was £1,500 for kitchen /£6,500 for bathroom .

I can see his logic . On the price brackets , the price I quoted was 'under £8,000' . He saw the empty flat and is thinking that he's got
£8,000 for two weeks work ,give or take .

The kitchen : Worktops/sink /taps/ flooring for definite and the doors .

Before he muscled in with his ideas, I was gonna get the kitchen done separately from the bathroom .
I know he could be promising me the world, and I won't get half of it .

I've since sent email to a shop for a quote .
I found a company also that , is up,the road. Not far from my friends place. Found them on the yell website. When I probed further, I can't find their website . It takes me to rated people or check a trade .
I would rather go direct . If I can't find website, I may phone as they are only up the road. Then again,it's Easter and Sod's law will probably tell me they're closed

copperjar · 14 April 2017 at 7:43PM

I would advise a bit of caution like LL has said. The pricing seems okay, but you don't know this guy from Adam and he can start next week. Alarm bells for me straight away. I've had to wait 5 weeks just for a very good decorator for parts of my kitchen I can't do myself. Does he have any reviews online you can read? It's okay posting your job but have you searched for a kitchen fitter or bathroom specialist?

We found a local bathroom company - in the small town I live in, 4 local companies with showrooms nearby. The one we've gone with was excellent - within budget, designed the bathroom, did a CAD drawing we could see on screen etc. Cheaper than your guy who hasn't even shown you what you are getting or talked to you about the tiles/flooring you might want and has already given you his bank details! Please look around a bit more - ask your friend or landlady if they have any recommendations. I'm sure she must have had tradesmen into her properties.

I've quit everything. Now what ?

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