It's Complicated

last_mile · 5 June 2018 at 2:27PM

Hi All,

I think I’m standing on the cliff of my decision around my marriage.
I don’t want to sound self-centred but I am at the point now where I am almost deciding to just not go home after work.
There hasn’t been anything major since the hen night fiasco but I have a big birthday coming up soon and it has me thinking.
Is this how I want to continue?
Am I ready to walk away if it means saving myself.

A bit of back story is that my husband has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but it made the last few years really difficult.
He also uses it as a cover for his demanding and controlling ways (which have been going on much longer).
If we separate it will be more difficult on him in terms of money and job as his is closely linked to my family and I suspect he won’t want to continue working there.

I am just struggling and it just looks like a huge complicated maze I cannot see a way through.

Sorry I just needed to put this out there.

HappyLassie13 · 5 June 2018 at 2:32PM

Personally i do not think anyone else can tell you what to do. If you aren't happy, you have to do whats good for your health and your mind.

Sorry i'm not being very helpful, but i think its difficult for anybody else to tell you what to do.

last_mile · 5 June 2018 at 2:36PM

@HappyLassie, thank you for replying anyway.
I am not sure i am looking for advice on the decision but maybe more that there is life on the other side.
we've been together a long time and as i look back now i realise that he has been slowly enforcing his way for a long time.
I mean who only stays out till 9pm on their own hen night at the age of 27.

anyway yea just maybe more looking for advice that i will survive.

HappyLassie13 · 5 June 2018 at 2:42PM

That makes sense, i think it is hard to see what life will be like outside of the marriage.

But you could do it, and you would survive, and yes it probably is one of the hardest decision you could make but plenty of people have done and have had a fulfilling life outside of being married.

I have not been in your position so i cannot offer advice on what will happen etc, but i'm sure with your family around you, you would not be short of support from those closest to you?

Oakdene · 5 June 2018 at 2:43PM

Whilst every relationship & set of circumstances is/are different I can tell you as a Dad that had to walk away from his marriage for my own sake it was the best thing I ever did. I wasn't happy for a year before I made the decision to leave the marital home but I stupidly convinced myself that I could be happy for the children.

I agonised daily about whether to go home before I finally took the plunge & called a friend on night & said "can you come pick me up, I can't do this anymore".

It was difficult trying to sleep at night knowing that I had broken up my childrens family & daily routine & I struggled horrifically early on but with the support of my friends & family I, very slowly, got through it.

last_mile · 5 June 2018 at 2:45PM

thank you both,
I've been agonizing for quite a while.
I dread the thought of going home each night because i know what I'm am heading into.
i no longer feel like his wife but his mother.
its upto me to do everything.

Oakdene · 5 June 2018 at 2:48PM

last_mile wrote: »

thank you both,
I've been agonizing for quite a while.
I dread the thought of going home each night because i know what I'm am heading into.
i no longer feel like his wife but his mother.
its upto me to do everything.

Ultimately you are the only person who can take the step, no amount of people telling you "you have to do this" will solve this unfortunately.

scaredofdebt · 5 June 2018 at 3:02PM

I wouldn't rush into anything but take your time thinking things through before acting.

However, it sounds like you may be the victim of domestic abuse, so I would get out of that situation sooner rather than later.

I assume that talking it through with your partner hasn't achieved anything?

last_mile · 5 June 2018 at 3:12PM

he's never been physically abusive (unless your a wall on the very rare occasion) but its the mental effects that wear you down.
not being trusted to go to your friends or your parents.
not being allowed to go to a work night out like the christmas party.
getting continually questioned on what your doing on your phone when all your doing is reading a book while he plays yet another video game or worse messaging your very few friends that you have because of the "weird" way you handle things that involve any of the previous scenarios.

BrassicWoman · 5 June 2018 at 3:35PM

Who do you have outside of the situation that you can talk to?

I think a call to Women's Aid might be helpful; just to work out what is going on. Or the Samaritans, if you just want to talk it through and have someone listen. You don't need to be suicidal to call them; just in need of a neutral ear.

katiekittykat · 5 June 2018 at 3:38PM

BrassicWoman wrote: »

Who do you have outside of the situation that you can talk to?

I think a call to Women's Aid might be helpful; just to work out what is going on. Or the Samaritans, if you just want to talk it through and have someone listen. You don't need to be suicidal to call them; just in need of a neutral ear.

The Samaritans helped me when I was in a similar situation to the OP

They didn't tell me what to do but they talked me through all of my options to the point where I made up my mind myself

Might be worth calling them?

Good luck xx

It's Complicated

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