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    • suethedriver
    • By suethedriver 1st Apr 19, 9:35 PM
    • 126Posts
    • 8Thanks
    suethedriver
    Feeling Blackmailed
    • #1
    • 1st Apr 19, 9:35 PM
    Feeling Blackmailed 1st Apr 19 at 9:35 PM
    My son & his gf have split up and she has taken their 2 year old child many miles away a 5 hour drive from where they lived.
    He pays the rent in full for their home plus all the other expenses , she has now rented a house in her new place and has made him pay for that rent too ( until she gets on her feet !) 6 months upfront plus money for their son and also asking him for cash for bits of furniture she needs.
    She cannot pay anything as she now has no job. she did work 16 hrs and is looking to do the same in her new town soon.
    Her idea of on her feet means anything upto another couple of years.
    My son works in the USA for part of each year for 3 weeks at a time , home for 3 then back again .
    He does not drive and to visit his son has to do a 3 change 6 -7 hours journey by train and bus.
    When signing for her rental house she had told him that he could stay in the house and have hands on time with his son which they both need. Now she says he will have to stay in a b & b !
    This i think is pretty harsh as he is the one paying for her house . Also when she visits their former home she expects him to pay for a b & b for her & the son to stay in.
    If he refuses or complains she then blackmails him with contacting the child maintenance people , and he really didnt want to go that route as he is a highish earner at the moment but 80% of his money is in the USA bank . He does not have a uk personal account only a business one. His career is probably only going to be another 5 years so his earnings will have to last him. ( he is only34)
    I do not think she is being very fair and the child needs his father . I do not really know where to go for help or what he should do as she is very volatile and may cut him off even more.
    Has anyone any similar experience or could advise me how to help.
    He is currently suffering from anxiety / depression & mental health issues as well as still recovering from really harsh cancer a year ago so it wont take much for him to tip over the edge.
Page 1
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 1st Apr 19, 9:42 PM
    • 10,721 Posts
    • 65,338 Thanks
    Ms Chocaholic
    • #2
    • 1st Apr 19, 9:42 PM
    • #2
    • 1st Apr 19, 9:42 PM
    Although harsh to say but your son needs to stop giving in to his ex's demands for , clearly he is worried that his ex will stop him seeing their child but it sounds like she would easily use any old excuse to do that in the coming months/years. Let her go to the CSA and see how much money she would get then.

    In terms of contact, your son needs to arrange a mediation session with his ex to see if they can come to any compromise regarding contact. If he needs to apply to Court in the future regarding contact, then the expectation is that mediation has to be attempted first so he may as well try that now as I have a feeling it's going to be a long road ahead for them.

    Did the ex move to the new area to be nearer her own family or is this just some random new area and/or to make life difficult for your son.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • suethedriver
    • By suethedriver 1st Apr 19, 9:52 PM
    • 126 Posts
    • 8 Thanks
    suethedriver
    • #3
    • 1st Apr 19, 9:52 PM
    • #3
    • 1st Apr 19, 9:52 PM
    she moved to be nearer to her aunt & cousin even though here she has myself ( grandma ) who looked after him 2 full days a week while she worked . Also the childs grandad & his wife , his great grandparents & his very close auntie & uncle.
    Persuading her to go to mediation may not be easy , i mentioned it a while ago before she threatened to leave the area and got told !!!!
    He does need to stand up to her but is quite weak due to his mental health .
    I am trying to help along with her auntie but without interfering too obviously .
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 1st Apr 19, 10:03 PM
    • 1,898 Posts
    • 2,518 Thanks
    HampshireH
    • #4
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:03 PM
    • #4
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:03 PM
    Your son is 34. He needs to sort this out himself. You say she had all this family support where you are but this sounds like all your sons family, whereas she has moved near her own?

    If your son is suffering so badly with his MH perhaps focusing on improving that is the best starting point and helping him engage in support for the depression and anxiety.
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 1st Apr 19, 10:11 PM
    • 2,995 Posts
    • 2,723 Thanks
    tacpot12
    • #5
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:11 PM
    • #5
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:11 PM
    Although she offered to let him stay in the house, it is not ideal from her perspective if they no longer get on.

    Could your son rent somewhere close to where they are now living? This might save him some money and will cut down the travelling he has to do.

    While his current career might only last 5 years, he will not be unable to work when his current career ends. He might consider retraining to do a job that is in demand in the area where his child now lives, so that he can settle close by.

    The Child Maintenance Service can't be used to blackmail him if he is declaring all his income. If he is not paying what the CMS think he should be, then he is not contributing enough to support his child.

    One way you can help is by giving him permission to move to be close to his child.

    I'm sorry to hear about his problems, but sometimes the only way forward is to make the adjustment you can make, and let others cope if you can't do any more. His ex will want to stand on her own feet, but this will take time as she has a two year old to care for.
    The comments I post are my personal opinion. While I try to check everything is correct before posting, I can and do make mistakes, so always check official information sources before relying on my posts.
    • suethedriver
    • By suethedriver 1st Apr 19, 10:22 PM
    • 126 Posts
    • 8 Thanks
    suethedriver
    • #6
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:22 PM
    • #6
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:22 PM
    Yes he has considered moving nearer and is also going to do a fast pass driving course .
    Long road but we will get there .
    • Ms Chocaholic
    • By Ms Chocaholic 1st Apr 19, 10:45 PM
    • 10,721 Posts
    • 65,338 Thanks
    Ms Chocaholic
    • #7
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:45 PM
    • #7
    • 1st Apr 19, 10:45 PM
    I've messaged you SuetheDriver.
    Thrifty Till 50 Then Spend Till The End

    You can please some of the people some of the time, all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time
    • Slinky
    • By Slinky 2nd Apr 19, 11:54 AM
    • 6,345 Posts
    • 29,878 Thanks
    Slinky
    • #8
    • 2nd Apr 19, 11:54 AM
    • #8
    • 2nd Apr 19, 11:54 AM
    Has he considered going for custody of the child himself?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 2nd Apr 19, 12:25 PM
    • 31,710 Posts
    • 81,277 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #9
    • 2nd Apr 19, 12:25 PM
    • #9
    • 2nd Apr 19, 12:25 PM
    My son works in the USA for part of each year for 3 weeks at a time , home for 3 then back again.
    Originally posted by suethedriver
    Has he considered going for custody of the child himself?
    Originally posted by Slinky
    Unlikely to get it with that working pattern.
    • fazzybhoy
    • By fazzybhoy 28th Aug 19, 7:08 AM
    • 3 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    fazzybhoy
    Tell her to whistle for it and tell your son to go to the CMS himself.
    If she's big enough to move 5 hours drive away she's big enough to damn well earn her own money.
    The only money your son should be paying it towards his kid, and the CMS will work that out.
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