Separation, is there a magical “to do checklist?”

Baking_Mad · 12 February 2019 at 4:38PM

Marriage of almost 19 years is over, amicable decision, I won’t go into the details of relationship breakdown.

Since we’ve agreed on the separation a few days ago I’ve been in this sort of numb state, maybe it’s shock. But I know that I need to pull myself together and start sorting things out. Where to start though? Can anyone help with advice please?

So, we have 2 children,
Different sex ages 14 and 8
Me: self employed with tax year 17/18 income of £10900, likely to be about same this year too.
Currently renting jointly with OH at £650 pm
No tax credits now but I need to apply so any advice on applying/forms/timescale to first payment, etc would be much appreciated
OH doesn’t want to move from the house (his preference is for me and kids to move) I’m desperate to stay in the house to give children some continuity, plus this is a 3 bed house so no issue with bedrooms because of different sex children. If I were to move I would definitely have to look for something smaller.
So any advice on where I stand with regards to staying in the house would be great too.
Debts: 2 credit cards both in OH name (I know it’s irrelevant since we are married) totalling around £16k. I think OH would be willing to deal with debt provided I didn’t pursue for child maintenance but not sure if it’s even possible legally??? Any advice?

If anyone has a magic checklist of things to do when separating I’d love to see it, my head is spinning and I’m struggling to make a plan.

Thanks in advance

Mojisola · 12 February 2019 at 4:43PM

Baking_Mad wrote: »

I’m desperate to stay in the house to give children some continuity, plus this is a 3 bed house so no issue with bedrooms because of different sex children.

If you will be able to afford the rent, definitely stay in the house.

https://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/ is a good site to help with the future journey through divorce.

NeilCr · 12 February 2019 at 5:04PM

You'll have to apply for Universal Credit now

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/universal-credit/

I agree with Mojisola about staying in the house

If the debt is solely in OH's name then it is their responsibility. I, certainly, wouldn't be using it as a trade for child maintenance. I do understand that, morally, you may feel you should help but you need to be looking out for you and the kids first

Run your situation through a benefits calculator like Turn2us to get some idea of what your numbers may look like

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/AboutYou

Baking_Mad · 12 February 2019 at 5:08PM

I’m surprised to hear that about debt,
I was under impression that all liabilities (as well as assets) are split 50/50 upon separation?

Thank you so much for the link!

NeilCr · 12 February 2019 at 5:16PM

This may help a bit. There are other links in there, too

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/sorting-out-money-when-you-separate/dividing-up-money-and-belongings-when-you-separate/

One of my friends just split with her husband. He had a £25k debt in his own name to do with his business. He thought he could take that of the house sale. Her solicitor soon disavowed of him of that..

It might be an idea to see if you can find a local solicitor who will give you half hour's advice free. We have a couple in our area. It may give you a general steer.

Savvy_Sue · 13 February 2019 at 12:28AM

You say it's amicable, so I'd say mediation would be a good step, to thrash out what's best. I'm sure he would prefer to stay put, but putting the children first should be the main priority for each of you.

HampshireH · 16 February 2019 at 8:41PM

He expects you to uproot yours kids and move to a smaller place whilst he benefits from a 3 bed house

Meh. Needs to be pointed out to him that forget about what you want it isnt in the kids best interest to do that and at the end of the day this will be equally as hard for them.

Accountant_Kerry · 17 February 2019 at 8:01PM

The debts would be split in a divorce. But you are only separating, until you have a financial court order the debts stay where they are.

NeilCr · 17 February 2019 at 8:22PM

Accountant_Kerry wrote: »

The debts would be split in a divorce. But you are only separating, until you have a financial court order the debts stay where they are.

Sorry.

Can you clarify that?

Are you saying that "individual" debts ie those that are solely the responsibility of (and in the name of) one of the couple become joint debts and are spilt equally?

jackieblack · 18 February 2019 at 3:20PM

NeilCr wrote: »

Are you saying that "individual" debts ie those that are solely the responsibility of (and in the name of) one of the couple become joint debts and are spilt equally?

AIUI, it depends.
If it was, for example, a loan or credit card debt that was used on general household expenses or a family holiday, that would be treated as a debt of the marriage, in the same way that cash in a savings account in a single name, could be considered a joint asset.

However, if the debt was built up solely by one party spending on themselves, for example, an expensive hobby, buying a motorbike to satisfy their mlc or weekends away with their mistress/toyboy, the judge would likely determine the debt to be the sole responsibility of the person whose name it was in.

But, as previous poster stated, that only comes into play during a divorce when the financial settlement is being determined.

dreaming · 18 February 2019 at 3:43PM

The ony real advice I would give to someone in your position is to take your time when making decisions. As you say, you are still in a state of shock - when my marriage broke down I felt the same even though I had half seen it coming. It is only looking back that I can see how, in the interests of keeping things amicable, I felt pressured into making decisions that I wish I hadn't. For example, within 4 months of separating the house had been sold as exH kept telling me how difficult it was to pay half the mortgage and rent at the same time so I agreed that the house should be sold. In retrospect I could have (just) afforded to buy him out of the mortgage and stayed in a house and area I really loved. It all worked out in the end and I am very happy now where I live after another house move but I would definitely say don't rush into agreeing to anything (especially about who leaves the current property), and listen to as much advice (impartial if possible) as you can.
I hope things work out for you.

Separation, is there a magical “to do checklist?”

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