Who pays for social care ?

elsien · 8 October 2018 at 9:47PM

Just as long as you are clear that you are agreeing to pay the top up,
Mum can't pay it herself.

Spendless · 9 October 2018 at 4:09AM

I believe my parents were incorrectly told about the 3rd party top up fees. My mum found my Nan a home but got told about this and couldn't afford to send her, but my Nan was self funding, she owned her own home outright. The property needed selling first, so am unsure if that made a difference or if my parents weren't correctly told.

What my Mum did instead as what Pastures New says, looked around the homes that also had council funded places.

wymondham · 17 October 2018 at 7:14AM

Hi All

My Mother (79) lives with her partner three hours away from us. She has advanced Alzheimer's and no longer recognises us and is unable to make or understand conversation. She's as fit as a fiddle physically so they go on walks with the dog etc...

She has now become incontinent and this sometimes includes numbers twos... and now occasionally becomes aggressive for brief periods.

Her partner is a trooper and has managed with her Alzheimer's for 10 years now assisting her to clean herself, cook and look after her but he is now getting frail and struggling and I'm concerned if he has any problems this will turn into an emergency..

The big question is about care homes. All of us (hers and his family) think the time is right to move Mum into care but this is frightening him and making him feel disloyal that he'll lose her.. I'm her Deputy so this lies with me to push the button but its the hardest one ever. He has asked that she be in a home close to us so we can visit her daily (at present we get over once a month)..

Given all of this, whats the panels verdict? does it sound about right? I've never been here before so am relying on others wise words to get through this...…..

Catswhiska · 17 October 2018 at 8:12AM

Sometimes it is for the best. You also have your own life’s to lead. Good luck

missile · 17 October 2018 at 9:08AM

I would defer to her partner.

In a care home, she will no longer be able to accompany him on walks etc.

wymondham · 17 October 2018 at 10:47AM

missile wrote: »

I would defer to her partner.

In a care home, she will no longer be able to accompany him on walks etc.

This is what makes it hard. The home we have in mind has a very active entertainment/activity program so she could still get out regularly plus we plan to take her out frequently for forest/beach walks when we go....

This is heart breaking as I can tell he doesn't want to leave her, but he is struggling and has previously refused all forms of help (as lots do from that generation)….

humptydumptybits · 17 October 2018 at 11:20AM

I had to agree to my aunt going into a home. We can take her out for walks, don't see why her partner couldn't. We are always made welcome at the home, offered tea or coffee or a meal if we arrive at meal times. She isn't happy but she is fed, warm and safe where as at home she wasn't happy and was hungry and afraid.

joansgirl · 18 October 2018 at 11:47AM

This is a really tough one, isn't it?

I think it's clear from what you've said that it's time for her to move to a home where at least she'll be safe. As for where that should be, closer to you or to her partner.....if it was me I'd let my head rule on this one. I'd have her closer to family as without trying to sound crass, her partner won't be around for as long as her family will, purely based on the age thing.

Of course the ideal solution would be for the partner to move as well but I don't know if this is an option.

bugslet · 18 October 2018 at 2:45PM

I recently asked a vaguely similar question on the marriage board

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5890803&highlight=dementia

It might be of no use to you, but in case there is anything that can be gleaned from it.

TL;DR version - neighbour looking after his wife for a number of years, her dementia was quite advanced, incontinence issues, mobility issues he wasn't coping and looked unwell. The thread was about what options were available to his family.

A few weeks after that thread, the husband collapsed for the third time and currently has been in hospital for 3 weeks with quite advanced Leukemia and she had to be taken to the first available care home.

Obviously your mother's partner is not unwell, but at his age things can happen (hopefully not for a long time) and the stress of caring for someone with dementia is not to be underestimated ( I was hopeless with Mr Bugs), is very tiring. My opinion based on the above and Mr Bugs, is that it is better to be proactive about things rather than waiting for something to force your hand.

Good luck, it's a difficult decision to make.

Arthurian · 26 October 2018 at 8:24PM

Places in good care homes are snapped up quickly, so if you have found a good one near you, I think you should bite the bullet and take the place while it's available. I imagine her partner has given his all and needs a rest.

Who pays for social care ?

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