Battling Debt and Mental Illness — and (hopefully) Winning!

Thanks, ccl it doesn't feel like it!

Paid off the £20 cc balance and paid my mum £61 of what I owe from recent spending -- still owe her £83.50.

Arvon balance is due soon, so that's £570. I've got a special low interest rate on my cc until November, so trying to keep it in perspective, but I hate the idea of owing it. Will prioritise paying it off, once I repay recent spending to my mum. Then the priority will be adding nearly £400 to rdf and £500 to ef. Also want to get back to paying off the loan, even if very slowly.

Doing anything feels very hard atm. I'm trying to be kind to myself, but it's frustrating to feel like I'm making no progress.

Paid my mum £40 off recent spending-- now owe her £53.50.

No available orders on Copify atm, let alone ones I can do. Trying to keep faith and work on short stories. It's been so long since I've had any success that it's difficult, but I suppose there's a chance as long as I keep submitting.

Still feel stuck. Bloated atm, so weight loss has stalled (again) and I still feel as fat as I did a few months ago. Yeah, I have lost almost 50lbs, but I've got over 60lbs to go. It's hard to keep motivated; it feels like I've been trying to lose weight forever without seeing much difference. Keep telling myself that eating better and exercising more are helping my health, but it's hard.

Trying to drive more, albeit with my mum as a passenger. Partly because I was strongly urged to apply for a job connected with my volunteer work, though I got an email yesterday saying they are going to advertise it again before making a decision, which doesn't sound promising. Being able to drive again will give me more opportunities, so I'm trying to build my confidence and practice more.

Obviously still waiting for OU module results and student loan application outcome. I shouldn't be worried, but I can't help being anxious about something going wrong.

Think July is going to be all about stepping up and making more effort. I want to boost my weight loss and complete a novel draft (signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo). Also want to step up my running and do more yoga. Hoping it will give me more energy, motivation and optimism.

My dad's dog was put down on Friday, so I'm feeling sad this week He was ill for a couple of months and went downhill fast over the last 2 weeks. It was a stressful situation and his suffering is over now, but I miss him. He was a difficult dog, because his previous owners mistreated and abandoned him -- the 11 years of love and care we gave him couldn't outweigh his first 18 months -- but I loved him.

Despite that, shopping on Saturday was a lot of fun. I put about £260 on cc, which is what I was expecting. Got loads of stuff, including 3 pairs of size 14 jeans which I didn't expect to fit -- but they did! Had a huge sort out on Sunday, getting rid of my big, baggy clothes. Also discovered that t-shirts which fit closer to my body are at less risk of riding/flying up during gym classes; feared the opposite would be true, but it turns out that loose fabric takes off like a parachute!

It feels good to have clothes which a). fit without sagging in weird places and b). look nice with no bobbling. I suspect I will stay at size 14 for a while, like I did at size 18. I will have to see how the weight loss goes (it has slowed. Again.) but it would be nice to be able to get some nice size 12 (dare I hope for 10?!) for Xmas. Need to boost my exercise to achieve that, since I seem to be flagging in recent weeks.

Camp NaNoWriMo is still going at a glacial pace. The most vocal person in my cabin (they separate you into groups and there's a message board) seems like a complete d!ck, which is offputting. When I posted saying I was making slow progress partly because of my dad's dog dying, he wrote "it's a hard time for me, too -- the 3 year anniversary of my mother's passing" the message being clear: I have no excuse for not matching his huge word count. I did chuckle when I read his most recent post, which complained about the people in our cabin not posting enough messages... maybe they would if you were less patronising!

Feels like everything is an effort atm and moving slowly (if at all).

Thanks, rc

I'm in East Devon and it has been very hot! Haven't been running much recently because it's hard to find time when it's cool enough. The long run was on the coolest day we've had for over a month and was wonderful when it started to rain

Thanks, ccl you're wrong though -- if you want to lose weight, you can do it. You need to believe in yourself. 7 years ago, I was a size 26 and must have weighed around 21st. The only exercise I did was walking 5 minutes from the university car park to my lecture hall. I slowly (very slowly!) started walking and cut out my worst eating habit (buying loads of chocolate bars on campus) and got down to a size 22. No idea what I weighed, but I stayed there for a good few years. Then I gradually went down to a size 18-20, which is where I was 2 years ago. I don't think I believed I would ever be smaller than a size 18 again -- until this year.

It's been a much longer process than the 6.5 months during whichI have started to prioritise weight loss. I wouldn't have been able to make any progress without these few things:
1. Accepting the size I became. I only lost weight after I bought nice clothes (which is challenging at size 26, I can tell you) and realised that I deserved them. Being a certain size doesn't take away your value or make you less than human, but for many years I believed it did. I'm not fundamentally different to who I was at my biggest -- but I have learnt to value my health and myself more.
2. Accepting that being obese affects my health and creates another obstacle in my life. I decided I had enough problems without getting type 2 diabetes and/or having a heart attack -- which is what happened to my dad. My changes up until January this year were gradual, but consisted of eating a little more healthily and getting fitter because every small change makes my whole life a little easier.
3. Getting in the right headspace. I have had eating disorders in the past, so I couldn't risk weight loss turning into an obsession. Focusing on health and fitness helps, because you can't build strength and stamina without the right nutrition. Choosing a healthy attitude is hard, but necessary.

So don't limit yourself with false beliefs!

I have been in a weird mood over the past few days. It feels more important to declutter, so I have been getting rid of more clothes (I don't really need a holey, faded nightshirt when I have 2 others which are a lot nicer) and reading like crazy to get through my to-read-and-pass-on pile. My mum's work friend gives the books to her mother, who sells them for Devon Air Ambulance, so it feels good to add more to the 'finished' pile. I also need to reclaim the space they take up on my bedroom floor! Counted 73 on Saturday and have finished 2 over the weekend (was already reading one and the other was short, so not as impressive as that sounds!). Just 71 to go asap...