When to stop financially supporting adult kids

My mum pays £30 a month for one of my children's dancing classes and my mil does the same. Basically it got to the point where I was going to have to stop the classes (they both adore dancing and I really didn't want to) and they offered. It gives them joy to be able to do this for their grandchildren and so I let them. They can both afford to do this, of course if they couldn't I wouldn't let them. I do sometimes feel guilty but it is benefitting my children so I accept it.

My husband was out of work for a year and during that time my mum paid for a school trip and a camp for my daughter and gave me enough for a tank of petrol every month. Again I was so grateful for this at a very trying time, although my husband was out of work I was trying to hold own two jobs so we could still pay the mortgage. My mil also sent some money when she could.

My mil was a single mum and my husband is her only child. She raised him with a very low income and depended on the free childcare her parents gave her so she could work. Now she is comfortably off she likes to help out, (less so now than 15yrs ago) because she sees it as making up for all the times she couldn't when my husband was young. And as she isn't local to us she likes to spend on the grandkids when she sees them. I like to do a small list when we do see her, things like school shoes, a nice outfit, new school bags etc, things that she knows are needed and will be used.

My mum had helped out with childcare a lot. Unfortunately her health isn't the best and I have had to stop this, she still enjoys spending time with the kids, but I cannot allow her to be in sole care of all of them as it isn't fair, on her or on them.

Having seen the amount of time both of my parents gave up to assist their parents in their last years I can sort of seeing it all 'evening out' in the future. While they didn't need to help out financially as both sets of grandparents were well set up, it's still a 'cost' to give up the time and commit.

I hope to raise independent, financially savvy children, but hope that I will be able to help out a and when if needed. We have at least one child who may never be able to live independently but that is a different type of support.

newatc wrote: »

If the parents can afford it and their children need it (sometimes even if they don't if IHT is a factor) then it probably goes on for life.
We bring them into this world and, apart from some exceptional circumstances, have a responsibility to support their aims when we can whether that is financial, practical or both.

Parents have a responsibility to give their children the best upbringing and education they possibly can so that they can become independent adults, even if there's disagreement as to when that is. To think they have the responsibility of supporting them into middle age and beyond (apart from emotional support) just suggests to me that something's gone very wrong with the upbringing/educational stage. (Treating and vulnerability being obvious exceptions.)

Detroit wrote: »

When bailing them out prevents them taking responsibility.
When you do it as a means of control.
When you need them to be dependent on you to validate yourself.
When they don't appreciate the value of money.
When they have an attitude of entitlement.
When they keep repeating the same mistakes.
When other people you care for are negatively impacted.
When you start to resent it.

Very insightful.