Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce

FBaby · 18 September 2016 at 7:30AM

It sounds like you made quite a number of self-centered decisions in your life, expecting your wife to support you with these even though it highly benefited you and not her, both in terms of finances and quality time together.

You say that she she agreed to it all, frankly, I am amazed that a loving wife would be happy with such a situation ,especially one where the husband took a job abroad, only came back occasionally, and then announced that when back, they would all need to move 100 miles away. Maybe her failure was to have made it clear at this stage that she wasn't happy with this at all, but then maybe she thought it was pointless because you wouldn't change your mind.

I expect she cheated on you on the basis that she wanted someone to be with to provide her with support before she moved on and she justified it on the basis that you'd been selfish for last X years and therefore it was ok for her to be such as so.

I don't think she was in the right at all, but I am quite frankly surprised that you seem oblivious to the fact that your lifestyle was not in anyway marriage friendly.

duchy · 18 September 2016 at 7:44AM

The OP talks of having male and female friends who freely discussed infidelity. It sounds like he was living the life of a single man socially whilst his wife was at home with a very young child. Was there ever a long term plan to live a conventional family life OP? It may be that after five years your wife felt shed waited long enough for this and felt very let down as the life of a single parent wasn't what she'd signed up for ? You really need to talk to her ...... Whether she was unfaithful or not (and your "proof" is by no means conclusive) a neglected marriage is never going to flourish. How much time have you actually spent with your child , how well do they know you if you've not actually lived with them ?

Tigsteroonie · 18 September 2016 at 8:04AM

bbarroso wrote: »

As to life, yes things were complicated in the sense that I have been working and studying and babysitting for nearly half of our time as a married couple, so difficulties did arise.

It's not "babysitting" when it's your own child(ren). It's parenting, regardless of your gender.

Sorry OP, you lost my sympathy at this point.

Marvel1 · 18 September 2016 at 9:12AM

All I can say is remember the house is yours also, and you can move back in when you return.

Detroit · 18 September 2016 at 9:52AM

In my view, these are the most advisable actions:

1. Come to a conclusion about the future of your marriage. If your wife wants a divorce, you may not have an option here. However, if she's in two minds, and you think there may be a future, consider counselling together, perhaps through Relate.
If you decide to stay together, imo a year absence would be a huge challenge to a fragile relationship, so your career plans may need a rethink to make this work.

2. If divorce is definite, see a solicitor for professional advice. You may be able to get an initial appointment free through CAB. You can discuss you parental rights and options with the solicitor.

3. Make a decision regarding your career with your daughter in mind.
To leave the UK at this point would be extremely poor timing. If you separate, and want your daughter to live with you, a proposal to take her out of the country and away from her settled life is unlikely to be considered in her best interests. So unless your wife is not considered a suitable carer, it is probable she would have your daughter's full time care.

If you are abroad and your wife sets up home with someone else, you may have to reconcile that your role in your daughter's life will become more peripheral. Obviously you can keep in touch, but this will be more difficult, and the new partner will be more prominent in your child's life than you.

If however you stay, deferring your career opportunity if possible, you will be able to be much more present for your daughter, with shared care a possibility.

You are incorrect to believe a lack of a good job would affect your perceived suitability as a carer. The courts only interest is that of the child and stability is highly regarded. Therefore if you have been the primary or equal carer, there is no reason a court would not want to retain the status quo. Indeed, if you can offer full time care, as oppose to your wife, who works unsociable hours, you may be seen as more suitable.

I would stress that you see a solicitor.

-taff · 18 September 2016 at 10:11AM

As above - see if the marriage can be saved, if not, go and see a solicitor.

And ignore all the rubbish speculating on your relationship....asking for advice seems to open the floodgates for judgement here.....

onomatopoeia99 · 18 September 2016 at 10:26AM

duchy wrote: »

The OP sounds very passive.
His wife wants a divorce ....no what can I do to save the marriage. Maybe the marriage died a while ago as neither of you seem to want to change anything OP?

If someone says no to something (continuing the marriage in this case) that should always be accepted without question, because no means no.

paddy's_mum · 18 September 2016 at 10:32AM

-taff wrote: »

ignore all the rubbish speculating on your relationship....asking for advice seems to open the floodgates for judgement here.....

On this point, I think we must agree to disagree

It has long been my view that only when both (or all) parties actually sit down and think about what has gone wrong and why that might have been and what the parties themselves failed to take into consideration or give due weight to, that understanding and perhaps, eventually, forgiveness can take place.

If the "rubbish" gives Mr and Mrs OP something to ask, think deeply about and respond to, perhaps a tiny chink of light may come to be of great value in deciding the future of the whole family.

krlyr · 18 September 2016 at 11:21AM

fairy_lights wrote: »

I don't understand how you can be so certain that she is having an affair though - the only reason you have to think that is based on her location according to google maps. Maybe she genuinely was at work or visiting a friend? Or the gps was glitching?
It seems a bit premature to be thinking about custody arrangements already, when you don't definitely know what is going on.

From the original post "On return, I'm greeted with a proposition for divorce as she found someone else. "

Kim_kim · 18 September 2016 at 7:45PM

paddy's_mum wrote: »

OP - I am genuinely not taking a pot shot at you but it has been my experience and understanding that a major cause of infidelity in women is resentment, not sudden passion or lust..

I didn't reply to this when I first read it, but I thought it was spot on & not something I'd realised before.

As someone who has been slightly unfaithful (not intercourse) in younger years I think you are right about this.

Wife having an affair and suddenly asking for a divorce

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