Day in the Life of Bob - hiring a weekly cleaner

Here's the latest update to my life.

I live in an area where there isn't enough supply to meet demand for basic services e.g. cleaning my home. I know, I know, the irony of us Brits wanting to stop immigrants who offer basic services, when none of us want to do the jobs ourselves. Oh life.

After months of searching for cleaners and finding they're all fully booked, I finally found a cleaning company in my area willing to "select" me as one of their customers, since I live closer to one of their cleaners. Such fun.

Not ideal mind you, since I wanted an independent cleaner - not a company. Oh well. They assured us "We have full insurance in case anything gets damaged".. Okay.. here goes...

- Cleaner arrives while I'm at work, and twists the yale lock in the wrong direction for ages, and instead of trying the correct direction (clockwise), she gives up and I see her on CCTV walking off without calling me.

- I contact said cleaner company & they advise "she did clean", "no she didn't", I say. Eventually, they believe me & instruct her on how to operate a standard Yale lock on a house.

- Cleaner turns up the following week, and the same thing occurs. Instead of using the clockwise direction, she proceeds to trying to FORCE the key in an anti clockwise direction repeatedly, eventually jamming the lock & somehow damaging it. This is quite a feat since I haven't managed to damage a Yale lock in like.. well.. forever. If she has this strength she must be an amazing cleaner!

- I rush out of work to let her in before she disappears again. I catch her walking down the street, and show her how to turn a key in a clockwise direction. "I DID! I DID!", she says.

- She then proceeds to use the wrong spray on the glass shower screen, so it doesn't clean up the limescale. I show her she needs to use a spray with something like vinegar in it to clean limescale. I demostrate for her & the limescale is gradually removed. She argues back "NO NO NO!! MY SPRAY IS PROFESSIONAL! IT IS FOR PROFESSIONALS!"... me: "It says 'for professionals' on it because it's cheaper to buy in bulk. That doesn't mean it necessarily works better on all surfaces.". Seemingly she didn't accept nor understand, and I gave up- having a cleaner who refuses to use limescale spray is still better than nothing.

A few weeks later, she spilled toilet bleach on some shelves & damaged the wood. We contacted the cleaning company who were "fully insured against damage!"... and the conversation went something like this :

Me: "Hello. Your cleaner accidentally damaged our shelves by spilling toilet bleach on them, and she also left the damaged toilet bleach bottle on top of one of the shelves, so it poured out for days. The wood has expanded & the shelf needs to be replaced. It's important she doesn't store strong chemicals on our wooden shelves. Can you make a claim on your damage insurance please?"

Cleaning company manager: "SHE DIDN'T DO DAT!"

Me: "err.. sorry?"

Him: "SHE DIDN'T!!!!!"

Me: "Have you spoken with her?"

Him: " 'OLD ON I'LL ASK HER"

[pause]

HIM: "YEAH SHE SAYS SHE DIDN'T!!!!! IT MUST'VE BEEN YOURSELF MATE"

Me: "It wasn't me. It was her."

HIM: "WELL MAYBE IT WAS A GUEST THEN BUT IT WASN'T HER"

Me: "I haven't had any guests, and the only person who uses those shelves, is her. Can you claim on insurance?"

HIM: "SHOW US PROOF DEN!"

Me: "What kind of proof do you require?"

HIM: "PROOVE TO US SHE DID IT!!!!!"

Me: "Well, I don't have CCTV in every room of the house if that's what you're asking for."

HIM: "WELL DATS WOT WE NEED! A VIDEO TO PROOVE IT!"

Me: "Perhaps you should mention that you require every room to have CCTV from all angles before advertising the fact you have damage insurance for your cleaners."

HIM: "YOU NEED TO PROOVE IT MATE"

Me: "Yes, you said that. Thank you. I'll have to spend £150 having the shelves replaced myself then. Please cancel your cleaner and return the key."

HIM: "YOU CAN COME TO THE OFFICE [a long distance away] TO COLLECT THE KEY MATE"

Me: "Just post it to me please."

HIM: "NO WE DON'T DO DAT FOR SECURITY REASONS!!!!!"

Me: "Well it's inconvenient for me to have to drive for 2 hours round trip to pick up a key. I accept liability if you'll just post it via first class please. We've never lost any post at this address in the past."

HIM: "NO!!!!!"

Me: "Ask your cleaner to put it through the letterbox when she's next in the area then. I'm away for the next few weeks."

HIM: "I'LL POST IT RECORDED DELIVERY"

Me: "That would require a signature & picking up from the sorting office, which I can't do whilst away. Please either put it through the letter box or post it first or even second class."

He then posts the key via special delivery while I was away, and sent me an email "WE POSTED IT BUT YOU WEREN'T IN SO IT GOT RETURNED!!!!! I'LL COME THERE AN MEET U MYSELF WIV DA KEY, I WANNA MEET U ANYWAY TO BE HONEST MATE!!!!!"

I didn't fancy the idea of having my face punched in by him, so politely declined on his idea to meet me, and repeatedly asked to have it put through the letterbox. :cool:

It is now months later & I'm still fighting to have the key returned.

I love this life