How often to visit a relative in hospital?

honeypop · 21 February 2019 at 8:23PM

How often would you visit her under usual circumstances, ie before she was in hospital?

In this situation, I used the same answer to work out how often to visit a relative in hospital. You may want to add more visits if you feel you should see her more on account of her being in hospital, or if you're the only person who can bring things from her home I guess.

Doodles · 21 February 2019 at 8:42PM

Does your employer operate any flexible working arrangements or have carer-friendly type policies?

I'm just wondering if you could negotiate leaving early one day a week, or be able to work from home in order you can juggle your hours as well as time out for a hospital visit.

I think once a week would be ok given she has others coming to visit though.

74jax · 21 February 2019 at 9:40PM

My dad and I were close. He was terminal for a while, when he was in the cancer hospital near me I saw him every night - because I wanted to - when he was in hospital at his home town, nearly 2hrs away, id visit weekends and once through the week. His operations were always near me so that was easier.

My mam and I don't get on. I visit maybe 3 times a year. She is pretty much bed bound. If she was in hospital I'd probably go once a fortnight - alternating with my brother hopefully.

The thing is, I wouldn't feel guilty, or the need to ask others what they think as im comfortable with that. By asking, I'm guessing you are torn, don't do anything you'll regret, I don't get on with mam and accepted that. If you think you'll be filled with regret visit more, you can't turn the clock back.

AylesburyDuck · 22 February 2019 at 11:51AM

Under the circumstances you describe i'd be going up on a weekend only.
You need to look after your own health as well and you already have a long working day.
And dont get dragged into all this "but she's your mother" hogwash either, she has friends close by, and that phrase shouldn't absolve mothers of all responsibility in the failings of their relationship with their children. If you arnt close, then you arnt close, and guilt tripping is tantamount to blackmail.

TBagpuss · 22 February 2019 at 12:07PM

I think it depends on the situation
- how often is it realistic for you to go, bearing in mind you need to look after your own health and mental well being as well.

- how often do you want to go?

- How often does she want you to go? Not eveyone wants lots of visitors when they are in hospital.

Given the distances involved, I think going at the weekend would be fine, with perhaps taking a day or half dya off work if there is soething specifc she would likeyou to go for - perhaps if she is due to have a op. and would like to see you before shegoes into surgery, or if she is due to meet with the consultant and would like someone with her for that.

She has friends who are likely to visit, so she is not going to be alone, and yuou could also look into phoning her - maybe get her a PAYG phone if she doesn't have one, and call her evey day or two.

Do you have any siblings who can share the visiting?

Don't feel you *have* to drop eveything to go. Eveyone's family and circumstances are different, and just because pother people might go more often, or expect more frequent visits, doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong if you don't or can't do so.

tyllwyd · 22 February 2019 at 12:30PM

I've supported relatives in hospital, and I would probably aim to go every third day, to collect/drop off washing and obviously to have a chat etc. If you only go during the weekend and evenings, you probably won't have a chance to talk to the doctor - it's not easy during the week, obviously, but everything slows down so much during the weekend.

Depending on the hospital, she should be able to use a mobile phone or a bedside tv/phone unit - check to see what's available.

My father was in hospital last year, and for various reasons family couldn't visit more once a fortnight or so, but when he discharged himself we found there was lots he hadn't been telling us. I regret that we weren't able to visit more often and speak to the nurses to get a better picture of what was going on.

Also, looking at the other side of things - you obviously work long days, and you are adding the stress of visiting and worrying about a family member in hospital. She is likely to need more support when she goes home as well, for at least a few days. For your own sake, my advice would be to take some time off work, otherwise you could end up making yourself ill.

Tiexen · 22 February 2019 at 12:46PM

More than the number of times - and more for care homes - its important to be seen visiting by the staff that look after them, make sure they know someone is looking out for them, where did that bruise come from, are they eating properly? etc,

snowycatgirl · 23 February 2019 at 6:40PM

You do what you can. Don't feel guilty especially if you are not close.

An example a old friend of mine loved her dad so much. Yet despite a diagnosis of terminal cancer she barely showed her face. Ok she lived 300 miles away but didn't work - kept by hubby, no kids, no pets etc. She couldn't be bothered to visit because she was too busy with her social life, pretending to be something she wasn't. Even when her mother took an overdose because she was struggling to care for her husband she came home and went back 12 hours later.

ripplyuk · 23 February 2019 at 8:08PM

Does she want visitors? I hate having visitors when I’m in hospital, having to pretend to be ok and make conversation etc when I’m feeling ill. She might prefer having the time to rest. If she does want visitors then once a week sounds fine and I doubt you could cope with much more than that with such long hours.

Of course, if she is gravely ill, then it’s different. In that case, take the time off work.

MarkAdcox · 25 February 2019 at 6:11AM

It completely depends on the individual and how they feel is right for them and for the person who is hospitalized. It is okay not to visit your mother if you are busy and if she is comfortable.

How often to visit a relative in hospital?

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