Money Moral Dilemma: Should we stop splitting the bill?

Hannah_10 · 16 June 2010 at 7:19AM

I think intention has a lot to do with it.

With two mains it would seem fairly obvious they realise this is abnormal... But ther is a very slight possibility they do not. They could perhaps be from another culture? In some other cultures it would be positively offensive to show any consideration for money at all. Or another class. Or just plain theatrical and showy people.

Which doesn't defeat the basic fact that you shouldn't have to put up with it however!

So I think in your situation I'd be looking at thier intent very closely. I'd want to be satisfied in my own mind if they were or were not meaning to take advantage of me before I said anything.

In either event what I'd say would probably be as the first reply said- as tactfully as possible point out that I can not continue to do this however I would be delighted to dine out with them next time with separate bills.

That way if they're freeloading scumbags you wont hear from them again, but if they truly had not given it a moments thought they will appologise and be only too happy to dine out again on two bills. Either way you're better off than you are now and there's no nasty confrontations or scope for uncertainty.

sliklik · 16 June 2010 at 7:20AM

Always be the one to ask for the bill and put down enough for what you have consumed, then pass the bill to your friends -having already put the cash down the onus willl be on them to confront the situation-- if they have any sense they will see what you have done-- if they do ask then thats your licence to be brutally honest and say you've paid enough to cover your order.. straight talk hurts no friendship methinks

mcdilbert · 16 June 2010 at 8:41AM

A very similar thing happened to me....I ended up paying £10 for a £5 sandwich more than once!

...I'd eat the cheaper lunch, put in a tenner because that's all I'd have...the same would go for a reasonable friend of mine.

My "soon to be ex-friends" would put down a tenner each even though they'd knowingly ordered meals at £13, £14!

We'd get the change back and my two other "friends" would break their necks trying to swipe the £3 change first - because they'd never dream of leaving it as a tip.....so one would end up paying £7 for a £14 meal and I'd pay £10 for a £5 meal!!!!

In the end - My friend and I carried enough change to pay for MY meal plus a good tip (the staff were fantastic but disgusted by my other "friends")..... I put down my exact change and tip but my tight fisted friends just looked at each other because all they had was a tenner each!!!!!

End of lunching together.

mrsk · 16 June 2010 at 8:51AM

I first met this one many years ago at work. We kept a running pot of money for lunchtime drinks. When it ran low, everyone put in a £1 (I told you it was a long time ago). I drank halves not pints (I was one of only two women in the office), so I put in 50p. Initially, this did not go down well but the other woman had been drinking shorts she didn't really want to make it fair and soon joined me drinking halves and paying half. Very soon it was accepted as normal.

I think it is helpful never to let this sort of situation develop, but once it has the "friends" are not worth having if they think freeloading like this is normal.

juliamarsh · 16 June 2010 at 9:08AM

Yes you should definitely stop splitting the bill! Just tot up roughly your share (not to the nearest penny!), add enough to cover the service charge so that it's fair and then put that down on the table in payment. That puts the ball in their court and it will be interesting to see if they choose to argue about it. It is really irritating when you go out with people and they virtually get out a calculator to add up their share and then conveniently 'forget' to add on the service but by the same token I would be the first to offer to pay extra if I thought I had ordered a lot more than other people or would suggest that someone put in less if they had ordered significantly less than the other people in the party (but would probably say nothing if it was me!) Sometimes when you go out with people regularly it's swings and roundabouts, one time you're a little out of pocket, the next time they are but not if it's constantly going in the same direction. The idea other moneysavers have suggested to ask the waiter for 2 separate bills is a good one I think, easy to do when it's just 2 couples and not a big party. Good luck!!

brokeinwales · 16 June 2010 at 9:39AM

Yes, this is totally unfair, but to be charitable - they probably haven't realised how unreasonable they're being - perhaps they expect you to share the side orders with them and haven't made it clear (when I go out with one friend for an Indian he always orders Naan bread and poppadums "to share"), or perhaps they're used to eating out with other friends who order just as much as them and they haven't stopped to think how unfair they are being.

I think you should stop subsidising them, but don't automatically assume that they are purposely freeloading. They're your friends and desewrve the benefit of the doubt.

The easiest and least confrontational way around this is to choose a set meal type restaurant (like an all you can eat buffet or lunch-for-£7 type affair) - that way the bill will split itself fairly automatically. If drinks are included you can quite politely say when you first order "shall we just get our own drinks at the bar as we want them so we don't waste anything?"

saker75 · 16 June 2010 at 9:43AM

Alternatively if you opt to pay for the whole meal one week and alternate it, they may get the message.

Hanala1 · 16 June 2010 at 9:47AM

You have been too soft with this situation and should have laid down ground rules from the beginning...

Rule 1: Each couple pays for what they order.

Rule 2: Leftovers should be split between everyone...unless someone declines.

It is not too late to enforce the above. If the other couple are not happy with this, then don't go to dinner with them again...they are just using you. I have never known a situation where someone has so blatantly taken advantage of a friendship like this.

As the saying goes..."Fool me once, shame on you...Fool me twice, shame on me".

Kirri · 16 June 2010 at 9:47AM

Amazed at the stories above, how selfish some people can be when they are using others to subsidise their meals!!!

I rarely eat out as I cannot afford it so am happy to speak up and say - I'm veggie and usually have a soft drink and main only, so there's no way I'd want to pay over the top anyway when others eat and drink far more and more expensive things.

I've seen others put down people who want to pay for their own, in a company I used to work at.

It's hard in a group but I'd just say 'we'll pay for our own as it's quite a lot less and we are on a tight budget' good friends should understand and if not they aren't really good friends!

Maybe if I had more money I might just split it equally, or with some good friends sometimes I pay sometimes they do but then we tend to eat similar and don't take advantage if the other is paying. It's all about being respectful to others and their situation.

suewi236_2 · 16 June 2010 at 9:48AM

When I initially read this post, I felt quite annoyed that friends would take advantage of you like this, but its possible that has never even occurred to them. However, even if its not deliberate they still are taking advantage of your good nature.

As I see it you have several options open to you and the first one is to continue as you are and do nothing. I would imagine this will continue to irritate you and eventually ruin the friendship with this other couple so maybe not the route you want to take.

The second option is to speak to them and ask if they realise that they are significantly increasing your share of the bill by having so much food.

The third option is to just ask for a literal split of the bill, ie they pay for their food and you pay for your food.

Unless they are true friends, it seems to me any action on your part could lead to a loss of friendship and you need to bear this in mind when you decide what you are going to do.

I wish you luck and really hope that the friendship continues.

Money Moral Dilemma: Should we stop splitting the bill?

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