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    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 3rd May 18, 8:50 AM
    • 4,796Posts
    • 42,360Thanks
    Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning
    • #1
    • 3rd May 18, 8:50 AM
    Crazy Cat Lady Chapter 3 - A New Beginning 3rd May 18 at 8:50 AM
    Good morning everyone,

    I've had a bit of a break from the forums over the past couple of months, but today seems like a good time to come back on here and to start a new diary. An awful lot has changed in my life over the past couple of weeks and it's going to take some time and effort to adjust, and more than ever I need the support and accountability of being on here to keep me on the straight and narrow as far as my finances are concerned.
    I hope that some of my usual bunch have followed me to this diary, and welcome to anyone new that might be reading. I need all of the help and support that I can get...
    NST June #16 nsd =
Page 1
    • determined new ms
    • By determined new ms 3rd May 18, 9:25 AM
    • 7,304 Posts
    • 43,577 Thanks
    determined new ms
    • #2
    • 3rd May 18, 9:25 AM
    • #2
    • 3rd May 18, 9:25 AM
    Hi cat looking forward to joining you. Good luck with new chapters x
    DF as at 30/12/16
    Wombling 2017 £3016.55/Roadkill £8.73
    Wombling 2018 £145.73/RK £0.04
    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 3rd May 18, 9:35 AM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 42,360 Thanks
    • #3
    • 3rd May 18, 9:35 AM
    • #3
    • 3rd May 18, 9:35 AM
    Hi again

    So, grab a cuppa and settle in - otherwise skip through this post because I fear it has the potential to become very long and quite boring.

    If you read my last diaries, then you'll already know that I'm a stresshead teacher, crazy cat lady who has always just done her best to be a good person and keep everything together and deal with whatever life throws at me.
    I found the Easter holidays quite tough, it was stressy with dh at home plus one of my besties has also been signed off from work with stress and it's tough to see her like that, knowing that there's nothing I can do to help her. On top of that, the weather was blimming miserable, and my birthday skipped by without any acknowledgement from my husband. On the day he stayed in bed until after 6pm and got up just as I was getting ready to settle for the night. The one night out I'd had planned for my birthday was cancelled last minute when my other bestie unfortunately got gastroenteritis. So I ended up going back to work not feeling on top of my game, a bit miserable and not that ready for anything.
    As we're running into GCSE time, there are 2 overriding attitudes from Year 11 at school. One is sheer panic, and the other is that it's too late to do anything now so there's no point in bothering. I found the first week back quite difficult with the attitude and my own mental health. On top of that I was getting home from work to find dh lying on the sofa with nothing done around the house, and no effort at all on his part. After a particularly upsetting run in with a Year 11 student that I love on the first Friday back, I got home from school almost broken. I was so shocked that I couldn't be upset, or angry - I just felt nothing at all. I got home, explained to the kids that I needed an early night and to try and sleep it off.
    Saturday I went to my bestie's house and got everything off my chest there. She said that I couldn't continue the way I was with all my work stress and home stress, and that I needed to talk to dh and ask him for some support. So by Saturday night I'd psyched myself up for the conversation and went to speak to him at about half past ten.
    It was a very frank discussion. I explained that I was feeling awful, and very unsupported by him again. I told him that things weren't working, and that I'd tried everything I could to try and help him, but if he wasn't prepared to support me and help himself then we needed to consider whether it was worth carrying on. He listened to everything I had to say and said nothing at all. I asked him to have a good think about what he wanted and went to bed just after 11pm thinking that the chat had gone better than I thought and got a brilliant night of sleep. Woke up at 8am on Sunday and he wasn't in bed - no big surprise as he often sleeps on the sofa. Came downstairs to let the cats in - front door was unlocked, and when I opened the door I noticed that my car was gone. So I looked in the living room - no sign of dh and his phone was left on the charger in front of the telly. I fed the cats and had a look around and discovered that he was gone with his wallet and a jacket, in my car, and I also found 8 empty lager cans in the recycling bin. As he hadn't taken his phone and I was supposed to be going tutoring at 11am I started to panic a bit and I rang the police to report him drunk driving and missing.
    The police came out and searched the house, took a description etc and told me that the car had been caught on ANPR in Dumfries (approx 150 miles away) at 7am. They decided he was medium risk and told me that Police Scotland had all of the details but it could be days before we knew anything.
    After they went I started ringing round my friends and family - upset and worried, but also really, really angry with him. I kept thinking (and still do even now) that I'd asked him for help and support and that he responded to that by getting drunk, stealing my car and running away. My bestie arrived fairly quickly with coffee and support, and by the time my mam arrived a couple of hours later there was still no word, but I'd decided that he had crossed the line for the last time and that he wasn't coming home, even if he was ok. I'd had to cancel my tutoring, explain to the kids that he was missing, speak to my bosses at work etc. and all I'd wanted was for him to support me.
    I kept thinking of all the times he'd pretty much ignored my existence, and how many times I'd tried to support him through his depression and drinking and the fact that we always ended up in the same place. So I got the locks changed so that he couldn't come home. He eventually phoned me from a phone box in Stirling at about 3pm to tell me he'd be home by 7. I told him that he wasn't coming home, that the police were looking for him and that I'd reported my car stolen and him as a drunk driver. He just kept saying, 'You're joking'. I told him he wasn't coming back into the house and that he could stay at my dads for a couple of days until he sorted himself out.
    Then I rang the police to tell them I'd heard from him, and I arranged for my dad to have him for a couple of days (he has no family or friends, and I was worried that he would end up hanging around in our garden or something). I packed him a bag, and my bestie took the kids to hers. When he arrived back I drove him to my dad's place and left him there. I was really shouty at him the whole way, and he just kept saying he was sorry and that he does love me and the kids. I told him I was done and told my dad to kick him out when he'd had enough of him.
    So I woke up Monday and I felt brilliant. Really euphoric, like I should have done it years ago and my life was beginning again. On the other side my dad rang me to tell me that dh was in bed and not eating, or drinking or anything. I rang our doctors, and the crisis team to let them know what had happened, and was told as always that they can't do anything unless he asks for help. The police went to my dad's house to tell dh off and suggest he get some help. By the end of Wednesday, reality had hit a bit - my dad was struggling with dh, and ds's favourite new expression is that he hates me. I got into work on Thursday and was sent straight home because my only available emotions were tears, or shouting, which isn't any good when you're a teacher. My mam came round and helped me pack up the rest of his clothes and took them to my dad's house on her way home.
    By Friday, he and I had a long chat on the phone where I explained that I really was done, I wasn't going to calm down and he wasn't going to be forgiven. He accepted what I'd told him and said he would start looking for a room to rent - trouble being that he's been off work for months and has no money. Not really my problem but I don't want him at my dad's for ever either. We were very civil with each other, and I really hope that it stays like this while we sort everything out. I never wanted to hate him and I certainly didn't want things to end like this but I can't fix him and he won't try so I'm going to move on.
    That was just last week - I was going to go back to work on Monday this week, but my head just isn't in the right place at all. I'm ok within myself but teaching is hard at the best of times and I just need to make sure I'm a bit more settled before I go back. The doctor has given me this week off and I'm determined I'm going back on Tuesday.
    I know that I've done the right thing, but that doesn't mean it's not difficult. We were together for almost 16 years and it's a massive change. Thankfully I have a lot of support from friends and family, and there's only him and ds that think I've made a mistake - most other people are just amazed that I put up with the situation as long as I did. It is hard though when you love someone and see the good in them but they don't want to help themselves.

    Congratulations if you've read this far. It's been very therapeutic for me to write it all down that's for sure,
    NST June #16 nsd =
    • Ayeshalush
    • By Ayeshalush 3rd May 18, 9:37 AM
    • 612 Posts
    • 3,909 Thanks
    • #4
    • 3rd May 18, 9:37 AM
    • #4
    • 3rd May 18, 9:37 AM
    Hi cat

    Good to see you back. I was a regular lurker on your last diary and have been concerned by your lack of posts.

    I'm sorry to hear you have been having a difficult time. You know you'll get lots of support on here from your diary buddies and I plan to offer my support by posting more regularly too.

    Wishing you well with all the new challenges you face.

    • Blondetotty
    • By Blondetotty 3rd May 18, 9:44 AM
    • 230 Posts
    • 260 Thanks
    • #5
    • 3rd May 18, 9:44 AM
    • #5
    • 3rd May 18, 9:44 AM
    Holy heck! I don't know you or have read your previous diaries but just wanted to throw some support out your way.
    You've totally done the right thing, only he can fix himself, not you. You be responsible for you and your kids and let him figure out his own path, maybe it will end up being what he needs to sort himself out or maybe not, but that is down to him.
    You concentrate on you but bloody well done and kudos for wanting to get straight back into work during this time.
    You go girl!
    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 3rd May 18, 9:45 AM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 42,360 Thanks
    • #6
    • 3rd May 18, 9:45 AM
    • #6
    • 3rd May 18, 9:45 AM
    So, now this new chapter in my life begins.
    Me, 2 kids and 7 cats.
    I fully intend to stay in the house, and I believe I can afford to because I have always been the main earner. I just don't know how to budget with one less adult, and none of the income from him (it was £700 a month when he was working). So I need to find a way of saving £700 a month as I'm scared of getting into debt again, and then I need to look into getting legal advice for a divorce and as much of a financial clean break as I can, and the sooner the better. My mind is made up so there's no point in putting things off - it's just the additional costs there.
    I have binned off all of the tv sports channels which has immediately saved me £50 a month so that's a good start. Once I get onto the council and sort out the single person's discount that will be another £30 a month, so a good start. I don't know how much I'll save on gas, electric and food now he's not here, but if anyone has any tips or advice I'd be grateful. I'm not going to post up a SOA because I don't want to be ripped to bits and told to get rid of the cats etc. I can afford the mortgage on my own, and I can afford to run the house, I just need to be careful (I think).
    I've shopped at Aldi, and meal planned for the week, and have started my spending diary again. I can definitely cut back on groceries, holidays and eating out. It's just a bit of a change. I think I'll go and join the May challenge if that's running to help me onwards.
    NST June #16 nsd =
    • Blondetotty
    • By Blondetotty 3rd May 18, 9:56 AM
    • 230 Posts
    • 260 Thanks
    • #7
    • 3rd May 18, 9:56 AM
    • #7
    • 3rd May 18, 9:56 AM
    Do you have enough bedrooms to take a lodger at all? Maybe a short term one, Monday to Friday or even a student? Just a thought. I've got a foreign student in my current spare bedroom (with the landlords permission) and she pays a decent chunk of my rent while also providing free cat sitting when I'm away!!! I made sure to get a cat lover who misses her own ;-)
    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 3rd May 18, 9:57 AM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 42,360 Thanks
    • #8
    • 3rd May 18, 9:57 AM
    • #8
    • 3rd May 18, 9:57 AM
    Hello to everyone that has already posted in the time that I've been spilling my life story online. It's so nice to know that I'm not on my own. I will get busy during the exam season, but I don't intend to neglect the support and advice I have from people on here any more. Apart form my kids, it's time for me to put myself first and to do what I want and what is good for us.
    I'm off to catch up with a couple of other threads.
    NST June #16 nsd =
    • Ayeshalush
    • By Ayeshalush 3rd May 18, 10:12 AM
    • 612 Posts
    • 3,909 Thanks
    • #9
    • 3rd May 18, 10:12 AM
    • #9
    • 3rd May 18, 10:12 AM
    Oh what a time you've had CCL!

    It's time now to look after you and your kids (not forgetting the cats of course ) and it's good to see that you are positive and making plans. The only person who can help your husband is himself and until he decides he wants help then he won't get any better so it sounds as though you have absolutely made the right decision for you and your family as this has been going on for such a long time, but you already know that.

    • PurpleFairy26
    • By PurpleFairy26 3rd May 18, 11:57 AM
    • 2,797 Posts
    • 19,149 Thanks
    Subscribed you won't be able to fix the budget in a day but chip away at what you can when you can, you'll do it.
    • greent
    • By greent 3rd May 18, 1:02 PM
    • 8,134 Posts
    • 82,580 Thanks
    I don't think anyone can understand just how hard it is to live with a long term depressed person unless they've experienced it. It's soul-sapping and you do move away from sympathy to self preservation - you have to, and even more so when children are involved. You have my sympathies, CCL - and all credit to you for taking the step you've taken. No useful things to add, but see you in Turtle land x
    I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul
    Repaid mtge early (orig 11/25) 01/09 £124616 01/10 £104927 01/11 £89873 01/12 £76317 01/13 £52546 01/14 £35356 01/15 £12133 07/15 £NIL
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    Net sales 2019 £173.62/£500
    • triple choc chip
    • By triple choc chip 3rd May 18, 2:44 PM
    • 932 Posts
    • 3,163 Thanks
    triple choc chip
    "most other people are just amazed that I put up with the situation as long as I did."

    Yes, I'm one of those. I thought you were amazing because I knew I couldn't have done it. I think you're more amazing now of course and I already know you're strong enough to do it all on your own. Good luck for the future and big hugs x
    Debt Free since 6.8.13
    New home 12 5 rooms to decorate
    Saving for Xmas 2019 #6 £423/£730. 58%
    Emergency fund £1.1k
    It turns out the answer to my problems wasnít at the bottom of this tub of icecream, but the important thing is that I tried...
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 3rd May 18, 6:43 PM
    • 4,588 Posts
    • 27,291 Thanks

    So pleased you are back.

    I know its hard but you have done so well with life and before it was you and 3 children albeit one who occasionally contributed to the bills, now it is you and 2 kids (plus cats!!) - you can do this and we are all right here behind you.

    I really think we live in a parallel universe - I wont derail your diary by posting what is going on in my life but will post about it on my diary but suffice to say - SNAP!!!!
    • apple muncher
    • By apple muncher 3rd May 18, 7:35 PM
    • 9,023 Posts
    • 69,429 Thanks
    apple muncher
    Sending you lots of hugs and teling you to stay off work for as long as the dr has signed you off for, please.

    I don't know all the ins and outs but you have my total respect for a) enduring the situation for as long as you did, and b) making a decison and sticking to it.

    Glad you have rejoined the turtles - I for one have missed you.
    NST July jogger #5; NSD 7/18; Ex 13/31; remove bagfuls (31)

    Mortgage £15,451 (01/14: £78,201; 01/15: £59,629; 01/16: 39,915; 01/17: 27,295; 01/18 23,143; 01/19: 18.275) MFWDate???
    • crazy_cat_lady
    • By crazy_cat_lady 3rd May 18, 8:58 PM
    • 4,796 Posts
    • 42,360 Thanks

    You lot are gorgeous. You've brought me to tears, in a good way of course - I know that none of you know me in real life but I really do think of you all as my friends. You know what's going on (my side of things anyway) and you never, ever judge me - just support and help.
    EE - I've read your diary. Yet again, we are leading parallel lives. I'm shocked but not surprised. Sometimes, something just happens and all your plans are brought forward. I have been thinking for years about how I would get him out of the house if we broke up, and I was lucky enough that he did what he did, so I just had to make the decision that he wasn't coming back into the house. Please remember where I am, you can drop me a PM any time - we can help each other through it. My next step is to find a solicitor - but as he is of no fixed abode at the momet then that will delay things.
    So, I've had quite a productive day - although it was massively spendy in the end. My garden fence has needed replacing for a couple of years and I couldn't find anyone who would do it for less than £2000 (it is a lot of fence). A few weeks ago I noticed that my neighbours looked as though they were having fencing done so I spoke to them and agreed to share the cost of them replacing our shared bits of fence. It's £400 which I did have in savings, but it has hurt handing that over today. I know it's a bargain but it's almost half of my savings, and with my finances being so uncertain I didn't want to lose that cushion. Although, on the bright side, the fence will be done and dusted for a few years without me having to worry any more.
    Other than that, I caught up with last night's epidose of Grey's Anatomy and did some crochet, went out to vote in my council elections, and did a little bit of cooking. I just hate that I don't enjoy cooking and meal planning much. If it wasn't for the completely massive spend on the garden fence then I would have bagged a nsd.
    I'm feeling a lot better now than I was at the beginning of the week. If you'd seen me then, you only had to look at me and I would cry. Now I feel ready to move on and get on with my life. I've written an annoying jobs list that I've already started tackling - cleared out my outhouse tonight, much to the disgust of the cats. I can smell pee out there (unusual, but one of them might have been locked in there by accident), but no joy so far, apart from a full bag of recycling. Washing is in, I've sorted a cat sitter for when I take the kids to Alton Towers in a couple of weeks, and spoken to my lovely neighbours about keeping an eye on the place when I'm gone.
    Tomorrow I need to tackle some planning so that I'm ready for teaching when I get back to school next week.

    Well, I'm going to have a glass of wine, because I can. Cheers!
    NST June #16 nsd =
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 3rd May 18, 9:12 PM
    • 64,385 Posts
    • 286,890 Thanks
    Enjoy the wine.
    Happy shiny diary to go with your new life.
    Keep plodding
    (I am a cat lover too!)
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~** **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • Buffythedebtslayer
    • By Buffythedebtslayer 3rd May 18, 9:28 PM
    • 15,705 Posts
    • 54,145 Thanks
    So very happy to read your diary, so glad you are posting again and am happy to read you news. Must be damn near impossible to do but you are doing it. Brave brave lady

    my yr 11s couldn't give a damn about the exams, God love them.

    Big Love XXXX
    Sealed Pot 12 - 008, 365, 1p a day, 1%, 100 days, Saving to be out of debt!
    • dawnybabes
    • By dawnybabes 3rd May 18, 11:21 PM
    • 1,608 Posts
    • 4,073 Thanks
    Whoop, well done you, everyone has a breaking point and he!!!8217;d been pushing against yours for years.

    Life might be cheaper now as you won!!!8217;t need so many breaks to get out of the atmosphere
    Sealed pot challenge 822

    Jan - £176.66
    • CraftySaver2689
    • By CraftySaver2689 4th May 18, 7:02 AM
    • 134 Posts
    • 98 Thanks
    I have followed you for a while and don!!!8217;t ever comment, mainly as I!!!8217;m aware my opinion has differed from yours in the past, but I just wanted to say I believe for yourself and your children you have now made the right decision. I wish you all the luck and success.
    I also hope your husband decides to help himself too as it can boys be him that does it.
    • SpekySquarehead
    • By SpekySquarehead 4th May 18, 8:12 AM
    • 2,642 Posts
    • 22,315 Thanks
    CCL!!! Wowza. Just catching up.

    I think I can speak on behalf of the regular readers of your previous thread when I say we were worried about your absence so I'm glad to see you back.

    It's been a roller coaster. I think given your previous stress levels, you've managed this excellently and you should be immensely proud of yourself for making a very difficult decision. And the right decision too! Hopefully that euphoric feeling is addictive and lets your strive to feel great again. As you've said, it can be seen as the start of a new life. A clean slate. A fresh start.

    We're here virtually to help in anyway that we can. So keep us posted and I look forward to seeing your progress.

    Go you!
    Debt Free Date: 29/09/16

    Follow my diary HERE
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