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    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 18th May 19, 6:18 PM
    • 11Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    Girlfriend won't sell her house
    • #1
    • 18th May 19, 6:18 PM
    Girlfriend won't sell her house 18th May 19 at 6:18 PM
    Hello.

    I was wondering if someone can give me some advise.

    I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10years now. We have three children.

    She has a help to buy scheme mortgage with her ex boyfriend which she brought when she was 19. No one is currently living in the property. Madness i know - he pays the mortgage.

    Im renting a home for my family ( I have always rented I'm 34) however since I've been at my current address I've spend over 45k in rent.

    I really would like to buy my own home now. I don't earn mega bugs but I earn enough to buy something. (I'd buy a shed and live in it the way I'm feeling right now as long as its mine)

    I really need to have my partners income contributed to the help to buy scheme so we could just about afford to buy a house big enough for us all. I know those schemes aren't all they are cracked up to be. But it's my best option atm.

    But I can't even get her to talk to the bank or mortgage company let alone her ex about getting their house sorted in some capacity.

    Everyday I go to work but recently it's getting more and more difficult as I feel what's the point. My girlfriend hasn't made any contributions to her mortgage so I understand she won't gain anything ( which is fine I don't want the money) but he will. The longer he has it the more profit he is making. And the longer I stay where we are the more of my money I wast paying for my landlords Chelsea season tickets and trips to Barbados. Every one is winning but me. It's causing fights everyday as I'm so depressed.
    If she worried about commitment again then I understand but least she could do is tell me. Least just get rid of the house that way we can build our relationship based on what we have to together not what we share with her ex.

    I even said about giving him some money to get him off the mortgage. But I don't know where to start. I kinda need options to go over with my girlfriend to at least make her more comfortable at trying to sort it out.

    Can I just she just buy his half.
    Can she just get herself removed.
    Can I pay him cash to take himself of the mortgage.
    Can she force him to sell.

    I really don't know who to talk to either. And I'm a bit unwilling to pay for advice when it's not even my house and my girlfriend probably won't even follow it through.

    Any help appreciated as I'm a desperate man .

    If not thanks for taking time to read this sorry it went on for a bit. Lol
Page 1
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 18th May 19, 7:04 PM
    • 1,255 Posts
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    MovingForwards
    • #2
    • 18th May 19, 7:04 PM
    • #2
    • 18th May 19, 7:04 PM
    Buy a cheaper place on your income only?

    After 10 years I would have hoped she would know if you are 'a keeper'.

    Can I just she just buy his half - if she has the available cash or can get the mortgage for it she can offer to buy him out

    Can she just get herself removed. - No, mortgage company has to agree to it.

    Can I pay him cash to take himself of the mortgage. - no, but your GF can ask if he will agree to a cash buyout, subject to the mortgage company agreement.

    Can she force him to sell. - technically if he refuses any of the above options, costs several grand and needs a solicitor.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 18th May 19, 7:20 PM
    • 36,253 Posts
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    getmore4less
    • #3
    • 18th May 19, 7:20 PM
    • #3
    • 18th May 19, 7:20 PM
    Why not move into the house she owns?
    • ytfcmad
    • By ytfcmad 18th May 19, 9:07 PM
    • 287 Posts
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    ytfcmad
    • #4
    • 18th May 19, 9:07 PM
    • #4
    • 18th May 19, 9:07 PM
    Find yourself a new girlfriend,
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 18th May 19, 9:15 PM
    • 30,986 Posts
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    Mojisola
    • #5
    • 18th May 19, 9:15 PM
    • #5
    • 18th May 19, 9:15 PM
    If, after ten years and three children, she's not willing to deal with something that's upsetting you so much, I'd question her commitment to you.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 18th May 19, 9:18 PM
    • 14,657 Posts
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    AnotherJoe
    • #6
    • 18th May 19, 9:18 PM
    • #6
    • 18th May 19, 9:18 PM

    Can she just buy his half. Can she afford to? Why on earth is he paying for an empty house?
    Can she just get herself removed. Not unless he agrees and the mortgage co agrees.
    Can I pay him cash to take himself of the mortgage. Not unless he sells
    Can she force him to sell. Yes, assuming he doesnt want to.Not cheap.

    I really don't know who to talk to either. And I'm a bit unwilling to pay for advice when it's not even my house and my girlfriend probably won't even follow it through.
    Sounds like more of a relationship issue than a housing one.
    Have you asked her to marry you? Would that tip the balance?

    Just a "girlfriend" after ten years and 3 kids? Seriously?
    Any help appreciated as I'm a desperate man .

    If not thanks for taking time to read this sorry it went on for a bit. Lol
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984

    There's some weird dynamics going on here.
    Care to explain the answers to the obvious questions ?
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 18th May 19, 10:52 PM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    • #7
    • 18th May 19, 10:52 PM
    • #7
    • 18th May 19, 10:52 PM
    No she can't afford to buy it. She only works two days a week. I could both aford it though. I pay all the rent here which is 1150 per month. The mortgage is 670.
    I dunno why he's left it empty ? Don't make sense to me. Hes staying rent free at his nans house as he's moved away.

    "Can she just get herself removed. Not unless he agrees and the mortgage co agrees." You said this but wouldn't it work the other way round too?? He can just come off the mortgage if he agrees and the mortgage company?

    Why would I think about marriage while she's got a house with her ex? We had kids quite early and it wasn't really an issue as I wasn't thinking about buying and I thought by now it would be sorted. ... Don't think this is about me not asking her to marry me. He hasn't attempted to sort house either... And I won't be asking him either lol
    • Thrugelmir
    • By Thrugelmir 18th May 19, 11:03 PM
    • 63,477 Posts
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    Thrugelmir
    • #8
    • 18th May 19, 11:03 PM
    • #8
    • 18th May 19, 11:03 PM
    Rather than waste money on expensive holidays etc. Start saving for a deposit on a property. Your money, your choice.
    “The stock market is a device for transferring money from the impatient to the patient.” – Warren Buffett
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 18th May 19, 11:10 PM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    • #9
    • 18th May 19, 11:10 PM
    • #9
    • 18th May 19, 11:10 PM
    That's what I have been asking myself unfortunately... Just hard with the kids.
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 18th May 19, 11:13 PM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    I don't waste money on expensive holidays ... The rent I pay, pays for my landlord to go on expensive holidays. ..
    • DUTR
    • By DUTR 19th May 19, 12:50 AM
    • 11,936 Posts
    • 6,753 Thanks
    DUTR
    I don't waste money on expensive holidays ... The rent I pay, pays for my landlord to go on expensive holidays. ..
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    The rent you pay may not equate to expensive holidays for the landlord, they probably get £50 a month in gain from the rent, the landlord isn't a charity.
    You mentioned the ex is paying the mortgage, so it's up to him if he wants to leave it unoccupied.
    You have to do the right thing for you not meet everyone else's demands as if they are granting you some kind of favour.
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 19th May 19, 5:35 AM
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    getmore4less
    I think you need to break this down into logical chunks.
    there is a lot going on and it may be that the goal needs to be tackled a step at a time rather than trying the big hit.

    Start with the house that is part owned by the GF.

    Why can't you as a family use the house that is sitting empty?
    (location/size...?)

    What's the current deal on the house that is empty?
    (Value, mortgage, rate, term payment, other details)

    Could either owner take over on affordability?
    (GF not, what about the ex)
    Would they want to?

    Would you(as you or as a family) want to buy it?

    There are related questions on the history like how long did each party live there, how do they own the house TIC or joint, what has each paid etc.
    The key is would you even want the place as that decide the initial approach taken.

    ..............................
    Then there is your finances(without the GF)

    How big a deposit do you have.
    What do you earn
    What could you afford to buy
    This could be a sticking point with 3/4 dependants.

    ..............................

    The joint finances can't be looked at properly until the house is sorted but with 2 days a week unless a big earner it won't make a massive difference.

    ..............................

    Then there are the goals and any plan to achieve them
    for your family it will also depend on the kids ages if there are key points like schools to consider.

    Yours seems to be buy a house now but that is not realistic yet.
    You need to accept that and look for the steps to get you there.
    Say a 3-5 year plan, that can tackle the steps needed to make it happen.

    What are the GF goals, where does she want to be in 3-5 years, if it is not in a house that you buy together then that help develop your plan.
    If she does want that, then you can talk about the steps needed to get there.

    The ex what are their goals, relating to the house are the ones you are interested in do they fit with your goals, what do you need to do to get those plans in line with yours.
    (this could be complicated if the ex is in a new relationship)

    ...........................

    Stepping back the key problem here is the house and currently it appears no one but you are bothered by it

    The GF costs her nothing so why bother if it means dealing with an ex of 10 years ago.

    The ex he pays the bills but as he has moved away seems to not care.

    Empty house can soon become a liability.
    How long has it been empty?

    Someone(the owners) need to put some effort in to move this forward.

    I think the key here is who wants the place and why.
    Does the GF talk to the Ex about the place?
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 19th May 19, 7:47 AM
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    AnotherJoe
    No she can't afford to buy it. She only works two days a week. I could both aford it though. I pay all the rent here which is 1150 per month. The mortgage is 670.
    I dunno why he's left it empty ? Don't make sense to me. Hes staying rent free at his nans house as he's moved away.

    "Can she just get herself removed. Not unless he agrees and the mortgage co agrees." You said this but wouldn't it work the other way round too?? He can just come off the mortgage if he agrees and the mortgage company?
    Since your gf only works 2 days a week there's no way she can afford the mortgage on this house is there?! And for him to come off means she woudl now own it. Why woudl ex giveback that to her after all these years of paying the mortgage ? So that's why it wouldn't work the other way round. Only way of him "coming off" would be to sell it.

    Why would I think about marriage while she's got a house with her ex? We had kids quite early and it wasn't really an issue as I wasn't thinking about buying and I thought by now it would be sorted. ... Don't think this is about me not asking her to marry me. He hasn't attempted to sort house either... And I won't be asking him either lol
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    Because that would perhaps be the catalyst for her to want to start the financial disconnect between her and ex , and for you and her to buy a place together .
    Last edited by AnotherJoe; 19-05-2019 at 7:50 AM.
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • julicorn
    • By julicorn 19th May 19, 8:30 AM
    • 748 Posts
    • 3,128 Thanks
    julicorn
    But I can't even get her to talk to the bank or mortgage company let alone her ex about getting their house sorted in some capacity.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    What do you think is the reason for that? Could it be that it's not fear of commitment, but rather sticking her head in the sand because she knows it'll be a bit of a mess to untangle? Just bringing this up because I know a lot of people have that approach to dealing with problems (I definitely once put off some immigration paperwork for about a year and a half just because the longer you leave it, the more it feels like an insurmountable task).

    Clearly not providing a solution here, just trying to see where this situation stems from.
    Original mortgage: December 2017, £203,495
    MFW start: April 2018, £201,800
    Current: £170,300
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 10:19 AM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    The landlord is a multi millionare who I pay rent directly too. Also he does not have mortgage on the house. He's getting more use out of my money that I am. Put it that way.
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 10:20 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Chrislaw1984
    I believe the same. And I try and support but the more I push the more she thinks I'm being a !!!! and pushy. Which I don't get I've waited and been patient for long enough
    • Tigsteroonie
    • By Tigsteroonie 19th May 19, 10:30 AM
    • 23,257 Posts
    • 58,306 Thanks
    Tigsteroonie
    The landlord is a multi millionare who I pay rent directly too. Also he does not have mortgage on the house. He's getting more use out of my money that I am. Put it that way.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    Irrelevant.
    Mrs Marleyboy

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    • csgohan4
    • By csgohan4 19th May 19, 11:24 AM
    • 6,036 Posts
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    csgohan4
    Partner doesn't want to be part of the new house, nothing you can do about it, save more, improve your career and buy a house yourself and reap the benefits yourself.

    Ensure you get a pre nup/legal advice if you do marry so she does not benefit from your hard work no thanks to her.
    Last edited by csgohan4; 19-05-2019 at 11:31 AM.
    "It is prudent when shopping for something important, not to limit yourself to Pound land/Estate Agents"
    • ToxicWomble
    • By ToxicWomble 19th May 19, 11:27 AM
    • 44 Posts
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    ToxicWomble
    Pre nups aren’t legally enforceable in this country.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 19th May 19, 11:35 AM
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    AnotherJoe
    I believe the same. And I try and support but the more I push the more she thinks I'm being a !!!! and pushy. Which I don't get I've waited and been patient for long enough
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984

    In which case OP, sounds to me as if you've been a sperm donor and no more. She's quite content, got the kids she wanted, got someone paying for accommodation for her, does a few hours a week for niceties, not interested in anything more permanent with you (and if she did, she's probably get the house anyway if / when you split up)



    You seem to be in a Catch 22 situation with little way out. You've stitched yourself up good and proper having 3 kids and the long term financial commitment that involves. You might want to look at saving up, buying a little flat (because you wont be able to afford anything larger) and moving out into that and moving her and kids into a cheaper place.
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
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