Your browser isn't supported
It looks like you're using an old web browser. To get the most out of the site and to ensure guides display correctly, we suggest upgrading your browser now. Download the latest:

Welcome to the MSE Forums

We're home to a fantastic community of MoneySavers but anyone can post. Please exercise caution & report spam, illegal, offensive or libellous posts/messages: click "report" or email forumteam@.

Search
  • FIRST POST
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 14th May 19, 8:54 PM
    • 45Posts
    • 30Thanks
    Retireby40
    Having children but sure if you really want to.
    • #1
    • 14th May 19, 8:54 PM
    Having children but sure if you really want to. 14th May 19 at 8:54 PM
    Hey folks.

    It has been something I have been thinking about generally. While I don't expect to be planning kids in the next 1-3 years it is something that potentially could happen in 3-5 years.

    While I have always thought I would like children, some days I just think. Is it really worth it? I always come back to the conclusion that it probably is. I am generally quite good with kids.

    I do love my quiet space and I don't like a mad house where everyone is constantly fighting and arguing. That probably means best to have 1 or 2 max.

    Have many of you had children despite having doubts, or decided not to have them and later changed your mind again or regretted it?

    Anybody who was adamant they didn't want to be parents but later become parents?
Page 2
    • EmmyLou30
    • By EmmyLou30 15th May 19, 10:28 AM
    • 476 Posts
    • 591 Thanks
    EmmyLou30
    I bet there's an awful lot of people who regret having them who you'll never hear about because no-one will ever admit it. I mean who would!? your entire family and everyone who knew you would take against you and think you were a terrible and ungrateful person if you said you'd wished you'd not had them. So although you may feel alone in thinking 'I wish I hadn't had them', know that there are many like you who also feel that way in silence.


    I've never had kids in part because of medical issues, partly because I feel bad I couldn't give them the nice childhood I had and also because although I know I'd be a good Mum, I'm not 100% sure I want the hassle. These thoughts are generally 10am on a Saturday when I'm contemplating getting out of bed and thinking if I had a kid this wouldn't be possible.
    • NaughtiusMaximus
    • By NaughtiusMaximus 15th May 19, 10:30 AM
    • 1,978 Posts
    • 4,899 Thanks
    NaughtiusMaximus
    As I said before I would be more for having children than to not have them.
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    What's you're partner's opinion on having children, similar to you, more for or more against?
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 15th May 19, 10:31 AM
    • 45 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    Retireby40
    You make some good points meer53.

    I got the idea from seeing friends with 2 or 3 young children and seeing how a "normal Saturday afternoon" is of taking each other's toys, crying for attention and generally being little terrors wanting to touch play and eat everything lol. They are all under 5 so no doubt it is an extreme.

    Maybe as your children had a big age gap meant you weren't dealing with 2-3 of a similar age crying over who took who's toy or demanding the parents attention 24/7. You had a child at 13, who was at a completely different stage of development than your new born and who could probably actually help you out abit just to keep an eye when you needed the loo or were cooking.
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 15th May 19, 10:35 AM
    • 45 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    Retireby40
    NautiessMaximus if I had to say a percentage my partner would be 100% for kids. 2 in an ideal world. I would say I would be 90% for kids with 10% niggling thinking are you sure that's a good idea.

    If we are still together in 3-4 years then that will be a time when we would be deciding. I just wanted other people's opinions.
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 15th May 19, 10:44 AM
    • 646 Posts
    • 767 Thanks
    andydownes123
    Hmmm let me think:


    My life without kids -



    - Both have very good careers and both earn way above average national salary

    - Two year old 4x4 and open top sports car in garage
    - Two foreign holidays a year, plus two camping trips and lots of weekends away
    - Don't answer to anyone and do as I bloody well please
    - Friday and Saturday night is dinner at restaurant / gigs / pub


    Kids...ha...I'd rather have the above
    • meer53
    • By meer53 15th May 19, 10:48 AM
    • 9,482 Posts
    • 13,878 Thanks
    meer53
    You make some good points meer53.

    I got the idea from seeing friends with 2 or 3 young children and seeing how a "normal Saturday afternoon" is of taking each other's toys, crying for attention and generally being little terrors wanting to touch play and eat everything lol. They are all under 5 so no doubt it is an extreme.

    Maybe as your children had a big age gap meant you weren't dealing with 2-3 of a similar age crying over who took who's toy or demanding the parents attention 24/7. You had a child at 13, who was at a completely different stage of development than your new born and who could probably actually help you out abit just to keep an eye when you needed the loo or were cooking.
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    You don't have to have your children close together, my sister in law had 3 under 6 and her house was never full of fighting or shouting kids all the time !
    I was on my own from when my youngest was only 2 as my ex left us, i also worked full time but i never felt that my kids took anything away from me, i organised my life so that everyone got the time they needed, it's not difficult. My parents both died before my kids came along and my family all live over 50 miles away from me, my mother in law lived close by but she had Dementia so it was never easy. It's something you just deal with once you have a family, it becomes your life, yes it's different from how it was before but thats just how it is. you either accept it or resent your kids. And i could never do that, it was my choice to have them, not theirs.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 15th May 19, 10:54 AM
    • 9,482 Posts
    • 13,878 Thanks
    meer53
    Hmmm let me think:


    My life without kids -



    - Both have very good careers and both earn way above average national salary

    - Two year old 4x4 and open top sports car in garage
    - Two foreign holidays a year, plus two camping trips and lots of weekends away
    - Don't answer to anyone and do as I bloody well please
    - Friday and Saturday night is dinner at restaurant / gigs / pub


    Kids...ha...I'd rather have the above
    Originally posted by andydownes123
    I'm sure you're very happy. I also know people who have all that (and more) and have children too. Having children doesn't mean you have to give up these things, why do you think it does ?
    • Georgiepie
    • By Georgiepie 15th May 19, 11:33 AM
    • 17 Posts
    • 48 Thanks
    Georgiepie
    Me and DH discussed at length whether to have children or not. We decided not to. Quite a few reasons but the main ones were overpopulation of the planet, we didn't feel the world was a very nice place to bring children into and would likely only get worse and we wanted to stay happily married.

    40 years on and no regrets at all. In fact we are always saying to each other how glad we are that we didn't bring children into the world. Every time we read an awful story, every time we read about another species becoming extinct, every time we read about climate change and the expected food/water/energy shortages in the not too distant future.

    Lots of our friends do have children, quite a few have grandchildren. I am saddened by how many say if they could go back in time they would not have any. Most of the ones with children are divorced (some more than once) and most of them say the problems started when they had children.

    I also see that children don't necessarily cause less stress or worry as they get older. I have friends with children in their 30's and 40's who are still giving lots of grief and worry. Now they have grandchildren who are also causing worry.

    Although I don't regret not having any, I would far rather regret not having them than regret having them. You can't send them back can you although I would think many would like to.

    I would just add that, as I said above, most of my friends with children are divorced. None of my friends without children are.
    • andydownes123
    • By andydownes123 15th May 19, 11:42 AM
    • 646 Posts
    • 767 Thanks
    andydownes123
    [QUOTE=meer53;75813953 Having children doesn't mean you have to give up these things, why do you think it does ?[/QUOTE]


    Where did I say that I think it does?
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 15th May 19, 12:11 PM
    • 525 Posts
    • 961 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    Don't you love your children?

    I can assure you that time flies and they'll be gone before you know it.
    Originally posted by pollypenny

    There are sadly plenty of parents out there who donít love their children.
    • rach_k
    • By rach_k 15th May 19, 12:15 PM
    • 1,462 Posts
    • 2,544 Thanks
    rach_k
    I bet there's an awful lot of people who regret having them who you'll never hear about because no-one will ever admit it.
    Originally posted by EmmyLou30
    I think it's more likely that there are many parents who, given the chance to choose again, would still have their kids if they knew they would be the same ones (because they love them to bits) but if they would get somebody else's snotty little beasts would choose not to have any (because unknown mess-machines don't compare very favourably to the freedom of no kids).
    • Monika87
    • By Monika87 15th May 19, 12:51 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Monika87
    I've been having doubts about kids for 4-5 years. I want kids, but I don't want to sacrifice all life to them.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 15th May 19, 1:08 PM
    • 9,482 Posts
    • 13,878 Thanks
    meer53
    Where did I say that I think it does?
    Originally posted by andydownes123

    Kids...ha...I'd rather have the above

    This means you think you have to choose.
    • charlotte1994
    • By charlotte1994 15th May 19, 1:11 PM
    • 818 Posts
    • 1,670 Thanks
    charlotte1994
    I feel the same!! I value my quiet and my freedom so much more. I feel like I would be a terrible parent. I get very cranky and stressed when I am around people for too long. Having kids would be a nightmare for me
    • mikeeboy
    • By mikeeboy 15th May 19, 2:42 PM
    • 167 Posts
    • 105 Thanks
    mikeeboy
    95% hassle & stress, 5% joyful. It'll also cost you a fortune.

    A lot of people still think that 5% is still worth it though.
    • Simby
    • By Simby 15th May 19, 3:05 PM
    • 67 Posts
    • 74 Thanks
    Simby
    I also decided not to have kids.. I never felt any urge to have kids at all... and tbh I value my lifestyle too much , looking at friends and colleagues with kids it seems hugely draining and you need to be a very selfless person to be a good parent
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 15th May 19, 3:55 PM
    • 4,213 Posts
    • 4,676 Thanks
    Marvel1
    I'm sure you're very happy. I also know people who have all that (and more) and have children too. Having children doesn't mean you have to give up these things, why do you think it does ?
    Originally posted by meer53
    I know not aimed at myself but in general you would give it up - even if for a few years.


    - Two foreign holidays a year, plus two camping trips and lots of weekends away - it will cost more as paying for the child, if you go term time now it will cost more during half term
    - Don't answer to anyone and do as I bloody well please - you can do what you want without kids, don't see how that won't change
    - Friday and Saturday night is dinner at restaurant / gigs / pub - you have children they can't stay on their own
    Originally posted by andydownes123
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 15th May 19, 4:05 PM
    • 26,171 Posts
    • 69,246 Thanks
    pollypenny
    95% hassle & stress, 5% joyful. It'll also cost you a fortune.

    A lot of people still think that 5% is still worth it though.
    Originally posted by mikeeboy


    Some people must have awful kids, then!


    There's nothing like cuddling up reading a story with a little head on your shoulder; listening to them learn to speak usually coming up with funny versions of grammar and their language developing.

    I wish we'd had more than two, although financially it was the correct decision to stop at two.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • Poor_Single_lady
    • By Poor_Single_lady 15th May 19, 6:15 PM
    • 1,510 Posts
    • 5,861 Thanks
    Poor_Single_lady
    I often think peoples brains change when they have kids and they never again view things the same way.

    My sisters child is quite naughty and I have to bite my lip because she doesnít view it in the same way. He is her perfect prince so if he wants to throw food on the wall thatís ok- not a big deal. Prior to having kids she would have sworn blind she would never put up with that.

    I am 1 of 5. I absolutely cannot believe the people that say that have 3 kids and their house isnít a noisy war zone. But then again your perspective as a mum is completely different to that of a non-mum.

    Just please donít have kids and then start posting about how itís much harder than you expected. I never understand why so many people say this. My friends always say that had ďno ideaĒ how hard it was. Really??? How Did you not notice that being a parent is hard and sometimes horrible?

    IMHO childless people are more fun (and seem to be happier). New parents look like they have been run over with a bulldozer.
    2017- 5 credit cards plus loan
    Overdraft And 1 credit card paid off.

    2018 plans - reduce debt
    • Claddagh_Noir
    • By Claddagh_Noir 15th May 19, 6:29 PM
    • 64 Posts
    • 94 Thanks
    Claddagh_Noir
    We have never wanted children either. Nor do we regret our decision. We both have friends who had had heart-to-hearts with us regretting being parents but on their social media, they profess they love parenthood. I had a friend who openly admitted she wanted to abort all her children! We are not about that fakery. When I tell people I do not want children, they are usually parents themselves, they reply with 'I don't blame you'

    We love our freedom and the chance and luxury to do nothing and relax. Most parents cannot wait to get a sitter to have the pleasure of having a little bit of peace and quiet.

    As someone else has said above, only yourself and your partner can make the choice about children. Bear in mind, it won't be a walk in the park, so ignore all the sweetness and light happy pics on social media and it will definitely change the dynamics of your relationship, if you and/or your partner love being the number one priority in each other's lives, that will diminish.

    I do not hate children, they are innocent and were not asked to be born. When colleagues bring them into work, I am always the first to want to hold them and everyone is shocked because my co-workers know I do not want children. The only thing I do not like about kids and the like is how SOME parents can be with them, using them as pawns or weapons, manipulating them or pushing their issues on their children, for instance, if one parent had a horrible childhood then they impose that horrible childhood on the next generation.

    Actually, come to think of it, if you are questioning it, it's a big red flag. Don't do it.
    Last edited by Claddagh_Noir; 15-05-2019 at 6:32 PM.
Welcome to our new Forum!

Our aim is to save you money quickly and easily. We hope you like it!

Forum Team Contact us

Live Stats

550Posts Today

4,997Users online

Martin's Twitter