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    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 14th May 19, 8:54 PM
    • 45Posts
    • 30Thanks
    Having children but sure if you really want to.
    • #1
    • 14th May 19, 8:54 PM
    Having children but sure if you really want to. 14th May 19 at 8:54 PM
    Hey folks.

    It has been something I have been thinking about generally. While I don't expect to be planning kids in the next 1-3 years it is something that potentially could happen in 3-5 years.

    While I have always thought I would like children, some days I just think. Is it really worth it? I always come back to the conclusion that it probably is. I am generally quite good with kids.

    I do love my quiet space and I don't like a mad house where everyone is constantly fighting and arguing. That probably means best to have 1 or 2 max.

    Have many of you had children despite having doubts, or decided not to have them and later changed your mind again or regretted it?

    Anybody who was adamant they didn't want to be parents but later become parents?
Page 1
    • DrivingMissDaisy
    • By DrivingMissDaisy 14th May 19, 9:04 PM
    • 60 Posts
    • 50 Thanks
    • #2
    • 14th May 19, 9:04 PM
    • #2
    • 14th May 19, 9:04 PM
    It is horrible. Didn't want any, ended up with two. House is always a chaos, lots of shouting and fights. And very expensive as well

    In hindsight, shouldn't have changed our mind.

    Avoid if you can.
    • LilElvis
    • By LilElvis 14th May 19, 9:10 PM
    • 4,360 Posts
    • 11,564 Thanks
    • #3
    • 14th May 19, 9:10 PM
    • #3
    • 14th May 19, 9:10 PM
    Do you have a partner? Do they envisage having children with you in the short/ medium/ long term or never?
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 14th May 19, 9:18 PM
    • 45 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    • #4
    • 14th May 19, 9:18 PM
    • #4
    • 14th May 19, 9:18 PM
    Yes I have a partner and we have talked about it. We aren't anywhere close to planning stage yet and if in 2 or 3 years something happened we are both young enough to move on and have kids.

    As I said before I would be more for having children than to not have them. And I have discussed with my other half that it would be a maximum of 2 children I would want which they are in agreement with.

    Maybe it's because I work with kids and I see them in all their glory and I see their parents coming and going absolutely drained (well that's how they look). And I just wonder. Is it worth those moments of delight and pride for all the sleepless nights, worry, financial stress etc.

    While I'm still young and don't need to make any decisions now I just wanted the advice of those who maybe have experienced it.
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 14th May 19, 9:23 PM
    • 482 Posts
    • 857 Thanks
    • #5
    • 14th May 19, 9:23 PM
    • #5
    • 14th May 19, 9:23 PM
    I know someone who only wanted 1, partner really wanted 2 so she eventually agreed. Second pregnancy was twins so now they have 3 under 4 and it’s been really hard.

    Just something to think about, it can happen to anyone!
    • Marvel1
    • By Marvel1 14th May 19, 9:29 PM
    • 4,198 Posts
    • 4,666 Thanks
    • #6
    • 14th May 19, 9:29 PM
    • #6
    • 14th May 19, 9:29 PM
    Never wanted children and still don't, no regrets.

    I have 2 nephews, love having them, they do argue, I can do the fun stuff and return them, love my freedom too much.
    Last edited by Marvel1; 14-05-2019 at 9:32 PM.
    • trailingspouse
    • By trailingspouse 14th May 19, 10:35 PM
    • 3,591 Posts
    • 6,595 Thanks
    • #7
    • 14th May 19, 10:35 PM
    • #7
    • 14th May 19, 10:35 PM
    It's really not that long ago that people basically didn't have any choice in the matter. You got married, you had kids. My grandfather was one of 10 - I doubt if at any point my great-grandparents sat down and asked themselves whether they wanted kids or not, or even how many they wanted.

    So I say - you don't have to have kids. If you're at all unsure about whether or not you want them, then thank your lucky stars that you live at a time and in a place that allows you that choice.
    • lava_lamp
    • By lava_lamp 14th May 19, 11:42 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    • #8
    • 14th May 19, 11:42 PM
    • #8
    • 14th May 19, 11:42 PM
    I was unsure for a number of years, but after meeting my now husband I decided that I would like to have a child. We now have a lovely little boy less than a year old. Our lives have changed massively but to be honest we're fine with that, we were ready for the change and the next stage in our lives.

    There have been times when it's been really difficult but those times do pass. I'm sure there'll be times where he's really hard work, like when he's a toddler! But again, it won't always be so tough.

    It is massively life changing but there is so much joy to be had from having children, creating a family. There must be a reason people have been reproducing for millennia, other than to sustain the human race
    • chesky
    • By chesky 15th May 19, 5:11 AM
    • 1,153 Posts
    • 1,994 Thanks
    • #9
    • 15th May 19, 5:11 AM
    • #9
    • 15th May 19, 5:11 AM
    I'm glad I belong to the generation that still had accidental pregnancies, since I never envisaged myself having children. Neither of mine were planned but I wouldn't change if I had my time again.
    • lisyloo
    • By lisyloo 15th May 19, 6:52 AM
    • 24,290 Posts
    • 12,720 Thanks
    I never wanted kids and like marvel1 I love my freedom.
    I think this is caused by the fact that my Dad did a job he hated and stayed married to a woman who didn’t make him happy because he had kids and feel that’s awful.

    I sometimes ask people with kids if you had your time again would you have kids and it’s about 50/50.
    • engineer amy
    • By engineer amy 15th May 19, 7:21 AM
    • 710 Posts
    • 1,240 Thanks
    engineer amy
    Never wanted children and still don't, no regrets.

    I have 2 nephews, love having them, they do argue, I can do the fun stuff and return them, love my freedom too much.
    Originally posted by Marvel1

    Snap, don't want any, hate other peoples kids. ive a niece and nephew and I can be the fun auntie who takes them swimming and to the cinema for treats, then hand them back and open a bottle of wine!
    Mortgage = 113,495 (May 2009) 68601.81 Jan 2019
    Halifax CC 0% = 0!!! Car Loan = 0!!!!!
    PAYDBX16 #106 = 12377/12377 (100%)
    • Flugelhorn
    • By Flugelhorn 15th May 19, 7:27 AM
    • 1,413 Posts
    • 1,884 Thanks
    I didn't really like other people's kids at all but somehow assumed I would have some of my own. When I had them I utterly adored having them and couldn't have imagined life without them
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 15th May 19, 7:32 AM
    • 26,140 Posts
    • 69,139 Thanks
    It is horrible. Didn't want any, ended up with two. House is always a chaos, lots of shouting and fights. And very expensive as well

    In hindsight, shouldn't have changed our mind.

    Avoid if you can.
    Originally posted by DrivingMissDaisy

    Don't you love your children?

    I can assure you that time flies and they'll be gone before you know it.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • DigForVictory
    • By DigForVictory 15th May 19, 7:48 AM
    • 9,481 Posts
    • 31,808 Thanks
    I do love my quiet space and I don't like a mad house where everyone is constantly fighting and arguing. That probably means best to have 1 or 2 max.
    Originally posted by Retireby40
    Or raising them to keep the bickering & arguing to a specific area. (My family acknowledge the concept of "Holy Ground", on which no arguing etc is tolerated, largely thanks to the original Highlander film.) It's not always easy, rows can flare over temperature, illness or who finished the cereal & didn't throw the box away, but if you want a quiet space, introduce & defend (& model) Holy Ground or its equivalent.

    I'd say so long as they have a space where they can hurtle around, yell, & generally be children (like a nice big garden, or easy access to a park), they'll probably cooperate with being calmer & quieter (relatively not absolutely) indoors. Numbers are (almost) irrelevant so long as the family protocols are robust.

    I've three lads & wouldn't be without them. They can annoy me almost as much as my sisters but they are my delights, terrors & keep a whetted edge on my curiosity!
    • suki1964
    • By suki1964 15th May 19, 8:04 AM
    • 12,026 Posts
    • 32,197 Thanks
    I never wanted children

    Well you know thinking back I never really ever sat down and thought about it, children were just never in the picture full stop

    I married a man who already had children so Im very lucky to have grandchildren who I adore and Im a good grandmother, but Im still not really fussed on children

    Like Isyloo, my own childhood experience probably had a lot to do with it
    if you lend someone 20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it
    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 15th May 19, 9:05 AM
    • 7,936 Posts
    • 17,694 Thanks
    Never wanted any, won't have any, have broken up with a partner of 11 years because he changed his mind about wanting them.

    I'm not willing to give up the hobbies I enjoy and most of my freedom to wreck my body and be tethered to another human until I die or they do. Nosiree. Not for me.

    HBS x
    "I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another."

    "It's easy to know what you're against, quite another to know what you're for."

    #Starmer4PM #Bremainer
    • AubreyMac
    • By AubreyMac 15th May 19, 9:12 AM
    • 1,575 Posts
    • 3,397 Thanks
    I know several people who didn’t strongly want kids but now can’t be without the ones they have. I guess that’s different from strongly NOT wanting kids.

    I used to work with a guy who didn’t want kids but felt pushed into having one with his ex (although it was a joint choice really). She was 10 years older than him and probably driven by her biological clock. I think he was content while they were together but regret and resentment showed when they separated and he ‘had to’ co-parent.

    I grew close to him and it was purely platonic. Although he tried his utmost to not show direct ambivalence to his child, I can see and feel his resentment when he was with his child. I knew that really he wanted to walk away and not have a relationship with his child but also knew this would seem bad on him plus his family were pushy (interfering if you ask me) with him maintaining contact.

    Anyway, the stress and pressure caused him depression which in turn made other parts of his life fall apart and he ended up taking his own life.

    I know this is an extreme story though.

    I personally wanted children but when my sister had my nephew, he has severe disabilities (through circumstances, not genetics). As much as I love and dote on him, he has really put me off having any. I just could not do what my sister does without breaking down.
    • Exodi
    • By Exodi 15th May 19, 9:15 AM
    • 750 Posts
    • 983 Thanks
    I'm actually very happy to read this thread as it's often fronted as 'an obvious decision' but from an objective stand-point, I don't understand why anyone would have kids.

    I don't have children but have a lot of brothers and sisters; in fact I'm over 20 years older than the youngest. This has meant I've spent a lot of time changing nappies, dealing with tantrums and the general shenanigans and seen a lot of them grow up from babies.

    I don't have the 'paternal' instinct that parents would have (which I think is the main reason people deliberately sign up to this) so I'm often left scratching my head wondering why anyone in the right mind would have kids.

    They're outrageously expensive, they are entirely self motivated (you can look forward to dinners you've spent an hour cooking being thrown on the floor) and as they get older, reach the 'rebellious stage' where they tell you how much they dislike you and want to move out. Your whole life is then shoe-horned into providing care for them and you forfeit any real social life or treats. It's only until their mid 20's when they start to experience the real world do they realise how ungrateful they were. Why do people voluntarily sign up this?
    Know what you don't
    • Retireby40
    • By Retireby40 15th May 19, 9:19 AM
    • 45 Posts
    • 30 Thanks
    Thanks for all the replies folks.

    My background maybe influences the odd thought of not having kids a lot.

    I was an only child in a one parent family. My parents were young and never lasted a crack together after my birth. A couple of year tops. Therefore I was used to a quiet house.

    I had a good relationship with my mum who I lived with. A very formal relationship with my father. My mum past away a few years back and my father started his own new family 10 years ago. About 20 years after my birth.

    I have no strong family connections as a result. While I keep in touch with my dad its very formal. And one or two aunties that I keep in touch with, any cousins I have from them are either 10-12 years older than me or 10-12 years younger. Therefore I didn't really spend much time with my cousins playing growing up as when I was say 10, the younger ones weren't born and the older ones were 21-22. My cousins all have brothers and sisters. I was the only one an only child.

    The above people I have mentioned all live in different parts of the country and I see them once or twice a year and again it's often more out of courtesy than actually enjoying the company.

    On the flip side because I lacked may be a connection with my father I have that idea and motivation to provide that and maybe create what I never had. The joy of taking them to football or tennis or whatever and holidays abroad makes me think I could provide a good life for a child based on what I didn't have.

    It's definately something to think long and hard about and it is good to be in an era where having kids at 35 is completely normal as opposed to 25.
    • meer53
    • By meer53 15th May 19, 10:05 AM
    • 9,474 Posts
    • 13,860 Thanks
    Only you can make this decision, you're always going to get people on both sides of the fence. For me, i've never had a house where people are constantly shouting and fighting, don't know where you get the idea from that that's how family life is ? It's how you bring your children up that determines what sort of home you end up with, children aren't born that way. I have 2 children and they mean more to me than anything, that includes having "me time" or "quiet time" having small children isn't for ever, before you know it, they're grown up and taking you to the pub and picking you up when you've had one too many ! Both my kids are grown up now (allegedly, they're 32 and 19 !) and my best friends in the whole world. Don't get hung up on the thought that you have to give up your time and space for the rest of your life, you don't, but you will always worry about them, however old they are !
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