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  • FIRST POST
    • Tammer
    • By Tammer 25th Nov 18, 4:10 PM
    • 334Posts
    • 221Thanks
    Tammer
    Elderly Mother - Showing signs of Dementia - What to do?
    • #1
    • 25th Nov 18, 4:10 PM
    Elderly Mother - Showing signs of Dementia - What to do? 25th Nov 18 at 4:10 PM
    Hi,
    My mother is getting old (late 60s - which is not actually that old but hey) and we both live in Scotland (not with each other).

    Over the years, my mother has been what could be regarded as "strange". Her home is dishevelled and she has been very outspoken and is a bit of a hoarder. Over the last 6 years, following the loss of her dog (a lovely golden lab) she seems to have gone steadily downhill. Symptoms include:
    • complete incontinence
    • odd / inappropriate birthday presents e.g. baby toys for primary school kid.
    • Thinking she is a different age to her actual age.
    • Becoming increasing withdrawn from society - she is prickly and has steadily fallen out with almost everyone she's ever known.
    • Having a bad fall and needing hospital treatment.


    I am worried that she may be starting to suffer from an age related degenerative condition such as dementia, Alzheimer's or similar and may start to lose her independence.

    I am not sure how I can make sure that she gets appropriate medical treatment or social care - and if this is necessary at this stage.


    I have asked her to see her doctor but when she goes she tends to only mention new symptoms and not incontinence for example.


    I have asked to go to the doctor with her but she refuses. I assume I should phone the doctor's surgery and ask. I am not sure what questions I should be asking them and what to be doing generally.


    My brother and I went round earlier (she lives on the other side of the city) and cleaned / tidied up a bit, but this is only scratching the surface.


    Has anyone been in a similar situation and did they find any help or guidance from anywhere?

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    Last edited by MSE Tine; 04-12-2018 at 8:45 AM.
Page 2
    • SandraX
    • By SandraX 4th Dec 18, 11:17 PM
    • 766 Posts
    • 489 Thanks
    SandraX
    Dear OP

    Contact GP, request urgent memory test. (tell them re urinary incontinence concerns)
    Contact social services and request full assessment
    for vulnerable adult living alone to inc financial assessment/benefits
    and entitlements check.
    Hope like below is helpful
    https://www.alzscot.org/information_and_resources/symptoms_and_diagnosis

    There is a chance it's a UTI like another said as at times can give especially ladies forgetfulness.

    BTW, take peoples names you speak with and timescales and tell them you want to be the first contact if mum agrees as they normally want the service users consent unless they do not have the capacity - so be prepared and good luck.

    Keep us updated please and hope you tell us it was a uti and all clear - but a benefits check would still be good and a bus pass/free travel card


    PS> If mum allows you to go to docs with here, bullet points re changes you have noted, timescales, your concerns, but initially mum will need to agree to everything - parents are like that and you are not alone
    Last edited by SandraX; 04-12-2018 at 11:21 PM.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 4th Dec 18, 11:58 PM
    • 2,539 Posts
    • 4,013 Thanks
    badmemory
    Once you reach a certain age UTIs can appear to have a catastrophic effect. I had a friend who had a UTI who didn't even know that he had been in hospital for 2 weeks. He also barely remembered the care home they insisted he went into because they considered him unable to care for himself. Many assume this to be dementia but it is not. Once treated normality is resumed. So a UTI must be ruled out before the dementia police & unfortunately in too many cases, lets grab their assets jump into action.


    The major problem with UTIs is that unlike many infections they seem to lead to very minor temperature increases & as many "elderly" have lower than "average" temps anyway the extra from a UTI goes unnoticed.


    Just so you know - my temp has been lower than average for a lot of years - certainly since well before I was 60.
    • barbie51
    • By barbie51 5th Dec 18, 4:46 AM
    • 4 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    barbie51
    Signs of dementia
    We have been through a similar situation. I would suggest if possible try and get a Power of Attorney in place. (Not sure how that works in Scotland) It may be awkward because your mum will have to sign the forms. It can be done yourself or you can co through a solicitor which is more expensive.This will then give you the right to speak to the medical profession. Your next step is to involve Social Services. Regardless of your mum's financial situation you are entitled to an assessment by them. Next stage is Financial advice-find a SOLLA advisor. As my mum got worse we had to sell her flat to pay for a Care Home. One of the hardest and most heartbreaking things we have ever had to do. Good Luck. (The Alzheimer Society can often help with advice)
    • elderlyPete
    • By elderlyPete 5th Dec 18, 7:00 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    elderlyPete
    My mum had "lady's problems" from her middle age (and perhaps earlier). She came to live with us when she was nearly 90 after my dad died. She was diagnosed with mild dementia, which became much more pronounced if she suffered a bout of urinary infection - which via our GP was successfully treated with antibiotics.

    I then realised that after having a poo she wiped herself forwards from between her legs. "But I've always done it this way". We got her to change this, and there were no more urinary infections, and much reduced symptoms of dementia until she died, 18 months later.

    Apologies to put this so bluntly, but it is worth checking, as diplomatically as possible, how your mum is keeping herself clean. Nowadays girls/women are routinely given advice about this, but a few decades ago they may not have been, and may have retained toilet habits from their youth.
    • Ageing hippy
    • By Ageing hippy 5th Dec 18, 7:31 AM
    • 7 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    Ageing hippy
    If she needs any form of care she may also be entitled to attendance allowance. If not now, be aware of it for the future. When completing form always fill it in as if it is her worst day as they always try and refuse it. I successfully got attendance allowance for mum and elderly in laws once they needed it. Also if there is concern about memory, GP should be able to do simple test with her. If memory is shown to be affected then worth getting referred to Psychiatrist with a view to prescribing Aricept which helps to improve cognition and behavior of people with Dementia. Mum had it and it certainly helped. Might be useful to see what daycare services /clubs are available. She went to daycare a few times a week which she really enjoyed as otherwise she was stuck at home all day on her own. We were fortunate in having a good day care service who collected her from home in the morning and returned her later in the day. Good luck.
    • Bellisima
    • By Bellisima 5th Dec 18, 8:46 AM
    • 121 Posts
    • 169 Thanks
    Bellisima
    My mum developed dementia. The first incident of unusual behaviour is when my sister bought her a handbag for her birthday. She accused her of wrapping up an old handbag of hers and that it wasn’t new. Her memory was very poor. She eventually had no idea of the time or day, she was forgetting to eat or bathe. She became urinary incontenant. She had many falls where she couldn’t get up. She was a big lady so we had to call an ambulance each time and sometimes they took her to hospital to check her over. She was eventually referred to the Falls Clinic at our local hospital. We were there for 2 hrs, seeing Occupational Therapy, Physio and finally the Geriatric Specialist. He assessed and said he felt her falls were due to Dementia. I burst into tears. I knew it but it was still a shock.

    The Geriatric doc then arranged for a Memory Test. They came to her home with my sister and I present, as well as an Interpreter as mum was Italian with poor English. She failed the test badly and spent most of her time gazing out of the window.

    It was suggested she needed carers to help with food and bathing, but she refused it. It was such a distressing time for us all. She started to smell of urine, but when I suggested she changed her clothes she shouted at me to leave her alone. She put on her coat and went out!

    Things finally came to a head. My brother went round to see her, and found mum slumped half out of her bed and had vomited. The house was boiling hot as she had left the grill on, probably since the night before. My brother called an ambulance, mum was admitted. It was unsafe to send her home and was finally transferred to a local care home. She loved it there.

    She had no Power of Attorney so we had to apply to the courts as she no longer had capacity. A long winded and expensive route but it had to be done so we could access her money to pay for the care home. My heart goes out to you because it isn’t an easy road. I found Age UK very helpful. They told me all mum was entitled to (not much) and filled in the Attendance Allowance forms at my house. They were brilliant.
    Last edited by Bellisima; 05-12-2018 at 8:50 AM. Reason: Misspelling
    • Poorexgirlfriend192
    • By Poorexgirlfriend192 5th Dec 18, 11:00 AM
    • 29 Posts
    • 435 Thanks
    Poorexgirlfriend192
    Hi there.
    My mum had vascular dementia, I talk about this on my YT channel and the hoarding plus Power of Attorney etc. My channel name is Clara Sais. Some of what you have described does sound familiar to my situation. Do feel free to ask me any questions if you need too.
    Last edited by Poorexgirlfriend192; 05-12-2018 at 11:04 AM.
    • Fisaplisap
    • By Fisaplisap 5th Dec 18, 12:53 PM
    • 9 Posts
    • 5 Thanks
    Fisaplisap
    Hopefully helpful!
    Hello there,
    Iím sure I could write a book on looking after a family member with dementia but Iíll try and keep it succinct.
    I reside in Scotland (Fife) so can share my knowledge which should be relevant to you. Bearing in mind things change so info may be inaccurate now.
    • Alzheimerís Scotland have dementia advisors who have a wealth of knowledge and will answer most, if not all of your questions. You can speak to them on the phone. See their webpage.
    • Since 2013 in Scotland, once there is a diagnosis, there is a minimum of 1 yearís post diagnostic support via a link advisor. I only discovered this a few years after diagnosis. I think the reality of this service is sporadic depending on what area you live in Scotland. Your GP may be unaware- many health professionals are.
    • Once your mum gets a psych assessment, the actual confirmed diagnosis may take a while to be recorded with your GP but I was there when it took place and I simply asked the psychiatrist and he confirmed dementia. The confirmation is really a paper exercise time the assessment comes round, as you, your mother and your family have been aware of the condition for some time. It does sound like she has the condition. Itís how you deal with the condition from here on in.
    • ĎShy bairns get no sweetiesí- you have to advocate on behalf of your mother now- not whilst waiting for an official diagnosis. You might not like sticking your head above the parapet but you have to fight for everything you/your mother are entitled to. And be prepared for some battles with your mother- you are acting in her best interests but she will not realise this. You have to make tough decisions that she may hate but she no longer has cognition to decide for herself. She will be (if not already) considered a vulnerable adult. Whatís worse- waiting for something to happen (which I did, sadly), or act now to get ahead of the game.
    • Living with dementia is not just the sufferer- your life (and anyone else involved in her care) is going to change. It is stressful, upsetting and will affect your other relationships, job, home life, social life. Itís not clear how old you are but assuming anywhere from 30-50 years old? Iím 40 and have been dealing with a similar situation for 8 years. I feel lucky that Iím young and healthy enough to run around and deal with everything. It depends on your circumstances and how involved you/your family want to be. Care provision at home/in care homes will never be as good or attentive as a caring family.
    • Dementia is an ever changing beast. You learn as you go but things change and you have to react/adapt to a situation. Dementia sufferers have similar and different symptoms- your mum will be no different. There is no one size fits all.
    • Just realised Iíve probably not maybe answered your queries and just blethered about my experiences (!)- but your first port of calls should be GP (Iíd be getting into that next appointment with your mother come hell or high water!), social work adult services/older persons social services (just ring the main line for social services in your area and ask for social worker who deals with older persons) and Alzheimer Scotland. From there, theyíll be the conduits to further health services, occupational health, care packages (Scotland- care is free if carers are coming into your home but depends on how many hours your mum is given. Think max is 8 hours a day (4 hours with 2 carers) but thatís for a severe case. She could get as little as a 15 minute visit 3 times a dayÖÖ(see question 4!)), department for work and pensions for cold weather allowance (she may be entitled already and would have had a letter that she might have hidden/disposed of), attendance allowance (if you want to get cleaners in, for example- see DWP website for what this is used for), carerís allowance etc. She pays NO council tax if she has dementia and think you can get a rebate too. But donít expect someone to do any of this for you. There are probably other services Iíve used I canít recall at the moment. Dementia champions are supposed to be in hospital wards (often senior nurses)- I was never approached by them when my auntie was last in hospital. The services are there- you just have to look really hard to find them and then fight to get them.

      I could go on forever and be happy for you to speak to me further if you wished. Without sounding too morose, you are dealing with this horrible illness as well as your mother. There are periods of happiness and laughter but the condition doesnít get better- only more complex and debilitating which takes up more of your time, head and heart. As someone else posted, get things sorted now- your finger has to be on the pulse. It isnít going to go away.

      All the best, Ash.
    • GaynorH
    • By GaynorH 5th Dec 18, 1:06 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    GaynorH
    Power of Attorney
    I would look at that Power of Attorney ASAP. It gives you the right to phone the doctor on your motherís behalf and ask for an assessment to be made in surgery or at home. Also make sure the receptionist has on your mothers records that you have power of attorney and that they have all your current details......
    NOW please donít be alarmed but I have been exactly where you are right now with your mother, only it was my 48yr old (at the time) sister.
    She showed all the signs you have described and we plodded on with social services, mis diagnosis, psychiatric wards etc. My lovely sister was eventually diagnosed with PICKS DISEASE ( early onset dementia). PLEASE GOOGLE this condition ASAP. I hope you and your family find her the help she needs. X
    • Tammer
    • By Tammer 5th Jan 19, 11:12 AM
    • 334 Posts
    • 221 Thanks
    Tammer
    Hi,
    I thought I should provide an update.

    I wrote to my mum's doctor. She phoned to say someone will visit my mum and get her to come in for an appointment. I have seen my mum a few times over the last few weeks and she says the doctor visited and she was nice.

    She has still not arranged the appointment with the doctor however.

    I went round last night and asked her to phone the doctor on Monday to make an appointment. She said she will. I will have to phone her on Monday to check.

    More alarmingly, I noticed a card from the police when I was round. When I asked about it she said that someone had seen her getting in her car locally and had called the police. The police had come round to check she was ok.

    One of the things I asked the doctor to check, in my letter, was her fitness to drive.

    Is there anything else I should be doing just now? I believe the doctor's assessment is the critical thing to get done.
    Last edited by Tammer; 05-01-2019 at 11:13 AM. Reason: grammar
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 5th Jan 19, 11:29 AM
    • 8,680 Posts
    • 30,529 Thanks
    Primrose
    Does your mum have regular annual eye tests? This is obviously important as the optician should be able to determine whether her eyesight meets DVLA regulations. Vision faults like cataracts, glaucoma etc can creep up on somebody slowly without them realising their eyesight has deteriorated because such conditions are usually painless.

    I wonder if somebody called the police because your mother's driving is actually dangerous rather than from concern that "she was ok". If her eyesight is ok and driving allows her to maintain some indeoendence, perhaps booking a session with a driving school to asses/refresh her skills would provide you and her with some reassurance that she is still a capable road user.
    Last edited by Primrose; 05-01-2019 at 11:35 AM.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 5th Jan 19, 4:50 PM
    • 1,642 Posts
    • 2,102 Thanks
    HampshireH
    Its unsual someone would call the police unless they had concerns at the time about her behaviour/ability.

    It may be worth a call to the local officer to check on the circumstances. They may or may not discuss with you but they can share with the GP
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 6th Jan 19, 1:31 AM
    • 2,539 Posts
    • 4,013 Thanks
    badmemory
    Its unsual someone would call the police unless they had concerns at the time about her behaviour/ability.
    Originally posted by HampshireH

    Not necessarily! The age police are out there. Actually sticking to anything like the speed limit these days seems to be a public offence.
    Last edited by badmemory; 06-01-2019 at 1:34 AM.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 6th Jan 19, 5:56 PM
    • 2,539 Posts
    • 4,013 Thanks
    badmemory
    Please rule out the UTI before going down the dementia route. Once you go down that road treatment for anything is going to be a struggle.
    • Tammer
    • By Tammer 27th Apr 19, 9:17 AM
    • 334 Posts
    • 221 Thanks
    Tammer
    Hi,

    I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

    First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

    1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed her car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

    2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

    3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

    The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

    I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

    The action I took was:
    1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
    2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
    3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

    My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

    I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

    I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

    My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

    I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

    Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.
    • Primrose
    • By Primrose 27th Apr 19, 9:52 AM
    • 8,680 Posts
    • 30,529 Thanks
    Primrose
    I really feel for you. You must be totally distracted with anxiety. Is her doctor the only one in a single person surgery or could you contact another GP in the practice for a second opinion?


    If your mother is still deemed by that GP of having sufficient mental capacity. try and get both an online Finance and Health & Welfare P of A drawn up urgently while there is still time. Try and persuade your mother she may need some help with her affairs at a later date if she has to go into hospital or something and as these take several weeks to process it's a good idea you start now. If you have to go the Guardianship route where she's deemed to no longer have mental capacity this will be far more complicated to arrange and you will have more restricted powers.


    I think the GP needs a written letter from you and your brother briefly outlining the situation. She may have to revise her view on your mother's mental capacity at this point which may make getting Power of Attorneys impossible I note yiu have already written to her. Chase her again. She is doubtless busy and harassed but you need a response.


    the other question is whether your mother is still fit to hold a driving licence. After one accident there is a risk she could injure or kill somebody, or herself. How old is she? Over 70.s are supposed to complete a form from the DVLA every 3 years to certify their fitness to continue driving, and if necessary undergo the appropriate eye examination. Has she done this if over 70?


    If she hasn't been to an optician lately she may have developed a cataract, glaucoma or some other eye condition which is impeding her driving and this issue needs to be addressed or she could have her driving licence revoked. Her car insurance could also be invalidated if she hasn't passed all the relevant checks.


    I think you probably need a ferret through your mum's personal papers to try and check some of these things as she clearly seems to have blanks in her memory.


    Please come back and update us. There may be others who can help guide you forward.
    Last edited by Primrose; 27-04-2019 at 10:12 AM.
    • kezzygirl
    • By kezzygirl 27th Apr 19, 12:25 PM
    • 692 Posts
    • 728 Thanks
    kezzygirl
    I'm sorry you seem to be having barriers put in your way to obtain support for your mum. Social services have a duty to assess people who may have a requirement for care- it may be worth contacting them again and explaining you doubt she has the capacity to be able to accept or refuse help,there have been various incidents where she has been a risk to herself and/or others (leaving the grill on,driving in a unsafe manner) and you are concerned that she is not receiving appropriate treatment or support to the extent that she may come to serious harm. I'm unsure if you have a local dementia support team,but it may be worth seeing if they accept self referral and doing this on your mum's behalf. Even if they were to visit her at home and you be present,they are trained to notice nuances associated with dementia and to risk assess her ability to accept or decline treatment or support. Usually gp will do a mini mental state exam abd order bloods and ecg prior to referral to dementia team, has this been offered? The gp should be reading between the lines with your mum and acting on your concerns-unless of course your mum is able to give a full and articulate explanation for your concerns which, by the sounds of it, she can't.
    • Hectors House
    • By Hectors House 27th Apr 19, 4:17 PM
    • 455 Posts
    • 739 Thanks
    Hectors House
    Hi,

    I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

    First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

    1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed yher car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

    2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

    3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

    The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

    I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

    The action I took was:
    1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
    2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
    3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

    My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

    I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

    I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

    My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

    I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

    Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.
    Originally posted by Tammer

    I feel for you.

    My then partners mother was showing many signs (keeping mail in the fridge and her letters in the washing machine). She lived many miles from him but they were a well-known family in the area having run a very popular pub so locals would let him know of concerns. She started calling him in the middle of the night using foul language and was seen going to the local shop in the middle of the night.

    I helped him as much as I could and we managed to get her GP to visit. His assessment she was just a ‘little confused’ and he got told off for not doing enough for her.

    Things came to a head when the window cleaner overheard two gypsies in the kitchen with her trying to get her to sign a blank cheque for ‘the work they had done on the house for her’. He called the police and she was taken into hospital. We begged them not to release her back to the house (we had got her into hospital once before and they left her sitting outside in a wheelchair at midnight and threatened to leave her there if we didn’t collect her).

    She was finally assessed with dementia and we were advised to find a care home. They kept her in for a couple of weeks to get her health sorted and she was released into the care of a home local to her son.

    You are getting some great advise here and make sure you look after yourself too.
    Last edited by Hectors House; 27-04-2019 at 4:20 PM.
    • dawyldthing
    • By dawyldthing 27th Apr 19, 10:05 PM
    • 3,379 Posts
    • 3,334 Thanks
    dawyldthing
    Hi,

    I thought it was worthwhile to give another update on the position. The previous posts have been invaluable and I've read back through them recently to work out what to do next.

    First of all there have been 3 incidents causing me concern (from a selfish lens)

    1. Police phoned my brother from up North to say my mum had bashed her car and people had phoned the police. The police said she had gone down a 1 way street, attempted to turn round but bashed her car causing some damage to the plastic trim. Police said she was confused, couldn't remember she had sons and soiled herself. My brother explained we've referred her to the doctor and the doctor says she's fine. The police said they would contact the doctor. My mum denies all this and says she came out a shop to find people called the police.... My brother isn't sure what to believe.

    2. I was on holiday recently. While I was away, it was very cold, and my mum turned up on my doorstep. She had to take the bus as her car was being repaired due to 1. above. My neighbour said that she was there for about 30 mins so he became concerned and invited her in for a cup of tea to warm up. He said she seemed confused and her purse was hanging out of her bag - which he sorted out. He asked me if she is suffering from dementia. I said the doctor says she's fine....

    3. While my mum was out I went round to her house (not deliberately, she was just out somewhere). I noticed 2 things. 1 a letter from the Neurology department inviting her for an appointment on 8th April. 2. A letter from her timeshare up north with a cleaning bill for £270 to clean soiled mattress and sofa. My mum says she paid the bill. This is the only sense I could get out of her on the topic.

    The above incidents are adding to my, and my brother's concern. The only people that seem unconcerned are 1. my mum, 2 her doctor.

    I asked my mum if she's been to the hospital recently or had an appointment, and what she thought about the police being involved with her driving for a second time (see previous posts above). She said she has no hospital appointments and had no recollection of a previous involvement of the police with her driving.

    The action I took was:
    1. I wrote all the above down in a letter to her doctor and asked for help. I have heard nothing.
    2. I phoned Age Scotland who advised contacting social services.
    3. I phoned Social Services but they said they cannot do anything unless the doctor rules her unfit to make decisions independently or my mum asks for help.

    My mum is adamant she does not want any help, does not need the doctor and there is nothing wrong with her driving!

    I feel we are stuck at a dead end and it will only be if my mum has another bad fall or a serious car crash that something will be done - or if she turns up on the street somewhere in a confused state I guess.

    I think the blocker is the doctor. The doctor explained she cannot tell me anything if my mum hasn't said she can. My mum will never give her this permission.

    My thoughts are that either my brother or I should visit the doctor in person. I have no idea if this is even possible.

    I am really not sure what to do next other than watch events unfold around me.

    Sorry for the long post but any help, similar experiences would be helpful.
    Originally posted by Tammer
    How far away are you? Is an option for you going to stay over/ she coming to you for a few days (ideally when these (Iím guessing your going to have to rearrange) appointments are scheduled for)? As we moved my Nan in in the end as had a few concerns over several months over different things. Doctors will only help if she requests them. Social services only help with the extremes Iíve found.

    The other thing is to make sure the police do contact the doctor. As they are impartial really (they wouldnít go out for nothing) and have seen her, sounds like confused so could help get things backed up and possibly help. As doctors can only see so much in 10 minutes and anyone can put a front up in a 10 minute appointment
    to the lil one
    • troubleinparadise
    • By troubleinparadise 28th Apr 19, 4:02 AM
    • 1,069 Posts
    • 1,815 Thanks
    troubleinparadise
    Without a Health and Welfare Attorneyship in place the GP is under no obligation to speak to you about your motherís personal health information, however frustrating you find that.

    All you can do is write to the GP detailing your observed concerns as you have done, and leave it to them to deal with as they see fit.

    The local Social Services will have a section which deals with vulnerable adults, and should investigate reports to them. Again, however, you cannot make them take action as at present your mother is judged to have capacity - or at least has not been assessed as lacking capacity by a medical professional to your knowledge.

    The Police will report their concerns about an individual to Social Services if they feel it appropriate, and several reports would flag up a problem.

    Sadly it does tend to take a crisis such as being found wandering or a physical emergency entailing a visit to A&E to trigger a diagnosis and action if a person is refusing help.

    As said, getting Attorneyship would allow you to legally handle her health and financial affairs as a third party.

    The Alzheimerís Society have a very helpful team you could speak to for advice - sadly this is a not uncommon situation.

    https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/

    In the meantime, all you can do is support her where you can physically and time wise, and perhaps you can work on persuading her to accept help. It is a miserable and worrying situation, and I do hope you can make progress in getting her the support she needs.
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