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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    • 59Posts
    • 92Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 8:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 3
  • archived user
    Not all men are bum wipes you know/QUOTE]

    He cheated on his wife 8 weeks ago and didn't even bother to use a condom. Right thing?
    Originally posted by Judi
    Nope hes been an idiot but she's an idiot too for not insisting he did.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 4th Jul 18, 9:04 PM
    • 2,692 Posts
    • 4,310 Thanks
    badmemory
    You've another 32 weeks to make a final decision. Why not just let the dust settle & see how you feel nearer the time and of course how he feels too.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 4th Jul 18, 9:17 PM
    • 5,955 Posts
    • 27,900 Thanks
    thorsoak
    Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

    Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

    I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

    Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

    Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

    Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

    Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

    To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    I have read your posts, and although you protest that you do not want to make trouble for the sperm donor - for that is what you used him as - but what trouble do you think will happen in 16 or 18 years time, when the baby which you created between you, appears on his doorstep, knocking and asking about his father and his/her half siblings?

    If you wanted a child to bring up as yours alone, it would have been better to have gone to a clinic which would have helped you.

    As it is, you have chosen as your sperm donor, a man who is prepared to accept his responsibilities and wishes to be part of the child's life.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 4th Jul 18, 9:36 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    Badmemory you are right maybe I need to stop stressing and see how it goes. Worrying will not change anything. I will update him periodically if I have to, other than that I will not communicate with him.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 4th Jul 18, 9:42 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    Is it in your child's best interest to not have their father in their life? You don't need to be in a relationship with each other if you don't want to be.
    Originally posted by Kynthia
    ^^^^this^^^^


    How many times do we hear about women berating a man for not wanting to know in this situation. This guy, from what you've said, wants to play his part in the upbringing of his child.
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    I have read your posts, and although you protest that you do not want to make trouble for the sperm donor - for that is what you used him as - but what trouble do you think will happen in 16 or 18 years time, when the baby which you created between you, appears on his doorstep, knocking and asking about his father and his/her half siblings?

    If you wanted a child to bring up as yours alone, it would have been better to have gone to a clinic which would have helped you.

    As it is, you have chosen as your sperm donor, a man who is prepared to accept his responsibilities and wishes to be part of the child's life.
    Originally posted by thorsoak
    I agree, only this was not planned but it's happened and I have to deal with it. I will admit once I discovered I was pregnant I hoped he would run a mile, selfish but wanted to avoid complications. I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm.
    • Robisere
    • By Robisere 4th Jul 18, 10:28 PM
    • 2,833 Posts
    • 3,812 Thanks
    Robisere
    " I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm."

    Is that what it is? Or just a man who wants to be involved in his child's life? No matter who is right or wrong here - and IMO you are both in the wrong* - as a young man who was denied all access to a child who was adopted and out of my life before I even saw her, at the age of 20, I can relate to this man. Somewhere there is a daughter I have never met: I was not married, but the girl involved, a student I met whilst in the Army and fell in love with, told me that she wanted a child to get out of Uni and back to her wealthy family. That really rebounded on her, as they would not have me in the family and they made her adopt. All done miles away, in a location I didn't know. This had an impact when I finally had a relationship abroad with someone who judged me as too "needy" with our two children, and booted me out, back to the UK I went.


    Over 50 years later, I married, have another family, but still grieve over all that, in my own mind. Why do women think that they have the strongest feelings for their own children?


    *He is wrong to have an affair with another woman, whilst being married with 3 children. Someday they are going to be badly hurt by all this. *She is wrong to have an affair with a married man, knowing he has children. Who was supposed to be taking precautions, is the question that should lead to one of them incurring further blame. Both of them are going to be responsible for hurting the ones who should matter: 4 children who will inevitably suffer.


    What a mess!
    I think this job really needs
    a much bigger hammer.
    • thorsoak
    • By thorsoak 4th Jul 18, 10:41 PM
    • 5,955 Posts
    • 27,900 Thanks
    thorsoak
    I agree, only this was not planned but it's happened and I have to deal with it. I will admit once I discovered I was pregnant I hoped he would run a mile, selfish but wanted to avoid complications. I'm almost annoyed at his enthusiasm.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    I'd lay odds that you aren't the only one annoyed at his enthusiasm - I do not expect his wife to be over the moon when he tells her - oh by the way, I had unprotected sex with someone who is now pregnant and I want to be involved in the child's life.

    This is going to get nasty.....
  • archived user
    There are no winners here, only losers. Losers all round and there are 4 children stuck in the middle. One thing I've tried to pump into my kids is 'take charge of your own fertility'.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 5th Jul 18, 6:28 AM
    • 23,664 Posts
    • 63,840 Thanks
    Pollycat
    OP
    I posted this yesterday:

    My thoughts too.
    'wanting to go to appointments'
    'suggesting names'


    Not - imho - the sort of reaction a married man whose mistress has announced she's pregnant would be expected to have.
    Originally posted by Pollycat

    Why do you think (or maybe you actually know) why this bloke - with a wife and 3 children - is so keen to get involved so publicly in this child's life?


    You've already mentioned what he 'has to lose' if his wife finds out.
    So why is he so keen?
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 5th Jul 18, 8:06 AM
    • 5,874 Posts
    • 13,590 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    Why do you think (or maybe you actually know) why this bloke - with a wife and 3 children - is so keen to get involved so publicly in this child's life?


    You've already mentioned what he 'has to lose' if his wife finds out.
    So why is he so keen?
    Originally posted by Pollycat
    You want to know why a parent is keen to be part of their child's life?



    What kind of parent isn't?
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 5th Jul 18, 8:25 AM
    • 23,664 Posts
    • 63,840 Thanks
    Pollycat
    You want to know why a parent is keen to be part of their child's life?



    What kind of parent isn't?
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    Erm...the kind of parent who has been having an affair behind his wife's back who has 3 children with said wife and who - according to the OP - has a lot to lose if the wife finds out.
    Especially if he has a good job (as the OP has alluded to) and if his children are not adults.


    I'm pretty sure that most married men in the same situation would be very relieved if their bit-on-the-side announced she was pregnant but didn't want him to be a part of the child's life and didn't want any financial contribution towards his child.

    And that's why I think this scenario is odd.
    And that's why I asked the question.


    We're not talking about a couple who have been together monogamously and have maybe discussed having children together sometime in the future.
    We're talking about a child who is the product of sneaking about behind a wife's back.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 5th Jul 18, 8:50 AM
    • 2,109 Posts
    • 3,830 Thanks
    swingaloo
    Well OP, think about it from all sides, not just your own.

    I'm that baby who had the father cut out of her life and at 60+ Im still very angry about the blank space on my birth certificate.

    I'm also married to a man who's partner left him for someone else when she was pregnant and didn't tell him about the child till years after the birth and she was by then married to with the other guy.

    He now has a relationship with his child but missed out on all her childhood and you cant get those tears back.
  • archived user
    In my opinion, I don't think anyone has the right to tell my partner unless I deceived them into bed.



    If you knew, it takes two to tango so why go to the lengths to make his life a misery.



    If you didn't know and didn't ask, it's non of your business whether or not he is married or not - bascially it made no difference to your decision to go to bed.


    If you didn't know and did ask then he is in hot water and it's up to you whether or not he deserves to be hung out to dry. Do think though - whath benefit do you get from any decision you make?
    • Fireflyaway
    • By Fireflyaway 5th Jul 18, 8:59 AM
    • 2,173 Posts
    • 2,563 Thanks
    Fireflyaway
    The wife is going to find out. If I were the wife id rather know as soon as possible regardless of who told me. I'm so sad to hear he has kids. You have most likely assisted in messing up their lives big time. My daughter's friends dad was cheating and I was shocked at the level of upset it caused. Poor little kid was traumatised. Even 2 years down the line she is not back to her old self.
    If I were in your situation ( never would be by the way), I think there are two choices. You either come clean and deal with the consequences. He might leave his wife and kids for you or might ditch you, who knows. Or id move far far away and never make contact again in order to protect his family. However seeing you did what you did, you clearly don't give a stuff about them anyway. At this point it's damage limitation. His wife and kids did nothing wrong and neither did the unborn child. 5 people's lives turned upside down. This is not really about money but morals.
    • ChrisK.....
    • By ChrisK..... 5th Jul 18, 9:09 AM
    • 829 Posts
    • 307 Thanks
    ChrisK.....
    It's not YOUR child anymore than HIS - It is also in the childs best interest to have contact with both parents - You and him dont have to get along, but him and the child have a right that you cant exceed - You can choose whether to have a child with anyone, but you decided THIS PARTICULAR BLOKE is going to father your child so THIS PARTICULAR BLOKE needs to have a relationship with the child
    Last edited by ChrisK.....; 05-07-2018 at 9:11 AM.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 5th Jul 18, 10:26 AM
    • 2,692 Posts
    • 4,310 Thanks
    badmemory
    You want to know why a parent is keen to be part of their child's life?



    What kind of parent isn't?
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99

    The kind who is scared stiff his wife will find out, unless of course that is exactly what he wants to happen.
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 5th Jul 18, 11:23 AM
    • 848 Posts
    • 1,191 Thanks
    anna_1977
    I don't think it's your decision to make - or at least it shouldn't be

    es the wife will be absolutely devastated but as others have said think about your unborn child and the repercussions

    I must say 8 weeks was very early in a pregnancy to be telling people
    • fibonarchie
    • By fibonarchie 5th Jul 18, 11:26 AM
    • 900 Posts
    • 1,580 Thanks
    fibonarchie
    You lied about your status
    You lied about your life
    You forgot you have three children
    You forgot you have a wife
    Now itís England 2 Colombia 0
    And I know just how those Colombians feel






    ..sorry


    The footie's on and I do love that song
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 5th Jul 18, 11:37 AM
    • 2,216 Posts
    • 4,787 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    The wife is going to find out. If I were the wife id rather know as soon as possible regardless of who told me. I'm so sad to hear he has kids. You have most likely assisted in messing up their lives big time. My daughter's friends dad was cheating and I was shocked at the level of upset it caused. Poor little kid was traumatised. Even 2 years down the line she is not back to her old self.
    If I were in your situation ( never would be by the way), I think there are two choices. You either come clean and deal with the consequences. He might leave his wife and kids for you or might ditch you, who knows. Or id move far far away and never make contact again in order to protect his family. However seeing you did what you did, you clearly don't give a stuff about them anyway. At this point it's damage limitation. His wife and kids did nothing wrong and neither did the unborn child. 5 people's lives turned upside down. This is not really about money but morals.
    Originally posted by Fireflyaway
    My son had a gf whose father was a serial cheat and it impacted their relationship very badly because she thought all men were just waiting for the opportunity to behave that way. It destroyed her trust in men and has made her a very unhappy woman. Their relationship was fraught with unfounded trust issues and eventually, he could stand it no longer and they broke up.

    I doubt she will ever go on to have a relationship where she trusts her partner. All down to the actions of one selfish man.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 5th Jul 18, 1:49 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    i will give a bit more info , he has been married for 17 yrs with 3 children , the youngest is 11. We work in the same industry , both well paid but him more senior to me. We do not work at the same place but have to communicate regularly.

    I am sure he is scared stiff but by offering to be threr he is hoping I will not tell his wife, which I have no intention to.
    Swingaloo I agree with your comment 100%

    8/9 wks is too early to be telling people but I had to inform HR (work policy ) unfortunately that means there are some duties I am excused from and most people will guess.

    I will update more after work but everyone who has commented I take your advice and agree. I just wish I had thought of it before but too late.

    what a mess
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