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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    • 48Posts
    • 89Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 8:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 2
    • gettingtheresometime
    • By gettingtheresometime 4th Jul 18, 8:44 AM
    • 4,616 Posts
    • 11,751 Thanks
    gettingtheresometime
    So you had an affair with a married man. You didn't ensure to fully protect yourself. You get pregnant, it is out only weeks after, you already know you want to keep it and you want the father out the picture but already discussing what maintenance you could get.

    Sorry but this is coming out that you just looked for an easy target to get pregnant to have a baby for yourself whilst getting decent maintenance and not care what bit that a child deserves the chance to build a bond with both parents however much possible. Really hope this is not the case but it all comes out as quite calculated here.
    Originally posted by FBaby

    Do you know I was wondering the complete opposite.


    I was wondering if the man engineered this as perhaps he wanted a family and his wife didn't, or possibly couldn't.


    Whilst his actions seem honourable (only in the sense that he's willing to support the child) they seem on another hand a little creepy.
    Lloyds OD / Natwest OD / PO CC / Wescott / Argos Card cleared thanks to the 1 debt v 100 day challenge


    Next on the list - JD Williams
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 8:57 AM
    • 22,662 Posts
    • 61,275 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Do you know I was wondering the complete opposite.

    I was wondering if the man engineered this as perhaps he wanted a family and his wife didn't, or possibly couldn't.

    Whilst his actions seem honourable (only in the sense that he's willing to support the child) they seem on another hand a little creepy.
    Originally posted by gettingtheresometime
    My thoughts too.
    'wanting to go to appointments'
    'suggesting names'


    Not - imho - the sort of reaction a married man whose mistress has announced she's pregnant would be expected to have.
    • Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    • By Mummy2cheekymonkeys 4th Jul 18, 9:13 AM
    • 232 Posts
    • 1,596 Thanks
    Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    As for telling his wife I have already done so much damage and do not want to cause more misery
    Originally posted by Mylife
    How very moral of you!
  • archived user
    How very moral of you!
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    and how very moral of him!
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 9:29 AM
    • 22,662 Posts
    • 61,275 Thanks
    Pollycat
    How very moral of you!
    Originally posted by Mummy2cheekymonkeys
    and how very moral of him!
    Originally posted by Judi
    I always think the married person bears the most blame but neither party comes out smelling of roses
  • archived user
    I always think the married person bears the most blame.
    Yes I do too.
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 4th Jul 18, 9:47 AM
    • 5,591 Posts
    • 7,720 Thanks
    ViolaLass
    Not sure I agree. I was adopted and have no knowledge of mine and wouldn't trace saying they owed me that information. What difference does it honestly make? Does everyone worry about dying from what their grandparents did, or being more at risk of getting certain diseases. From what I've seen, it's as much a hindrance, if not more so, than not knowing.
    Originally posted by hazyjo
    Every child has the right to know - the choice, just as you did.
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 4th Jul 18, 10:44 AM
    • 1,538 Posts
    • 2,329 Thanks
    suejb2
    Married
    A couple of things

    Rightly or wrongly I have the opinion that the one in a partnership : be that married or involved, in an affair, is far worse than the single.

    Maybe he used substandard contraception wanting to trap the other?

    Men get a bad press for running from their responsibilities, this guy wants to help, initially monetary but he can't be damned for that. Take the offer and invest.

    Ultimately the wife needs to know but that's not your call.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • badmemory
    • By badmemory 4th Jul 18, 1:19 PM
    • 2,564 Posts
    • 4,045 Thanks
    badmemory
    He wants out of the marriage & hasn't got the guts to tell her. He is using your pregnancy as his excuse. He will be telling all & sundry the baby is his hence his desire to be publicly seen with you, the cowards way of getting someone else to finally tell his wife. As soon as she throws him out he will disappear from both your lives. I do hope you don't work with him as your job is likely to disappear too.
  • archived user
    He wants out of the marriage & hasn't got the guts to tell her. He is using your pregnancy as his excuse. He will be telling all & sundry the baby is his hence his desire to be publicly seen with you, the cowards way of getting someone else to finally tell his wife. As soon as she throws him out he will disappear from both your lives. I do hope you don't work with him as your job is likely to disappear too.
    Not all men are bum wipes you know at least he is trying to do the right thing.
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 4th Jul 18, 1:26 PM
    • 5,616 Posts
    • 12,947 Thanks
    onomatopoeia99
    A
    Maybe he used substandard contraception wanting to trap the other?
    Originally posted by suejb2
    Maybe she used no contraception but state "I'm on the pill" wanting a child for herself, and selected a married man hoping he'd be grateful for her not wanting him involved. We don't simply know given the sparse information provided and it isn't really relevant to the matter at hand. Conception has occurred, the mother intends to carry to term, whether an accident or deliberate is neither here nor there at this point.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek. Home is where my books are.

    5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 4th Jul 18, 3:24 PM
    • 1,597 Posts
    • 3,188 Thanks
    harrys nan
    I think you come over as selfish, had an affair with a married man and now you are deciding that he cannot be part of the child's life, which he clearly does want.
    Seems to me you want it all your way.
    Every child deserves to know BOTH its parents
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better
    • Seanymph
    • By Seanymph 4th Jul 18, 3:56 PM
    • 2,743 Posts
    • 18,214 Thanks
    Seanymph
    You are going to be a mum. That's a huge thing, and the first thing that you will have to get your head around is that to be the sort of mum who can get up every morning and look at yourself in the mirror you need to be prioritising the needs of your child.

    You don't always have to prioritise their wants (believe me, sometimes you work out what they want, look at what you want and say no way!)....

    Now, your child has the right to have a relationship with two parents, with two sets of grandparents, with extended aunts, uncles, cousins - in fact family on both sides. They get a lot from that as they grow up (if of course there is family to be had). They don't get so much from being the kid in the class who can't answer what their dad does because they have been left in a situation to say 'I don't know who he is'.

    Now to put the father on the birth certificate you will have to take him with you - which would give him parental rights.

    Now you may choose not to, which means in 30 years time when your child gets married they will be at the church/registry office filling in the form and will have to put 'unknown' for father. I use this as an example to show how far reaching your current decisions will be.

    The repercussions of your decisions now will go on for years - a second generation with missing grandparents? Grandparents who have a grandchild they know is out there but have never had the opportunity to love.

    You say you are financially independent - great - but your child will need A LOT of financial support - who are you to turn that down on their behalf? Apart from anything else your financial situation may change drastically.

    You are at the beginning of a very long relationship with your child, and whether he is in your life or not also with your child's father.

    I wouldn't be too quick to shove a supportive man out of the door.

    You want your child to have every advantage, grow up balanced, achieve? Don't start their life by denying them the social, emotional and financial benefits of having two involved parents and two involved families without a deal of soul searching and frankness about just how selfish you are being.

    Unfortunately, you lost the right to put yourself first when you conceived, now your a mum you have to do the right thing by your unborn child.
    • shiny76
    • By shiny76 4th Jul 18, 4:06 PM
    • 501 Posts
    • 555 Thanks
    shiny76
    I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    You may have grounds to complain to the police about harassment (e.g. if this contact is distressing you) link.

    This may have adverse consequences should the police pay him a visit. Only you can decide if it's something to pursue.
    • barbarawright
    • By barbarawright 4th Jul 18, 5:33 PM
    • 1,735 Posts
    • 3,333 Thanks
    barbarawright
    Once the child is born, it's very unlikely that a court would deny the father access. Do you want your child to know you fought a caught case to prevent him / her from seeing his/her father?

    Assuming this is a true story of course. It seems very quick work to me.
    • tacpot12
    • By tacpot12 4th Jul 18, 5:58 PM
    • 2,511 Posts
    • 2,266 Thanks
    tacpot12
    I just wanted to say that if he has offered to provide financial support, you should accept this. You don't know what may happen in the future, so you should take anything he offers.

    I would spend it all on the child unless less he pays more than the child actually needs, in which case, start an ISA for the child with the excess.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 4th Jul 18, 6:17 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

    Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

    I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

    Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

    Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

    Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

    Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

    To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 4th Jul 18, 6:20 PM
    • 22,662 Posts
    • 61,275 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Thank you all for your replies you all raise good points, unfortunately I can not comment on each individually but will try to explain more. The guy is married with 3 children which is why I do not want to tell the wife as the fall out will be worse.

    Shiny76 I appreciate your comment however he is not really harrassing me, all he does is send messages asking how I am etc. I have blocked him on f/b . I think I might just block him on my phone.

    I get that it's selfish to want to keep him away from the baby but looking at the situation, it might be the best.

    Fbaby like I said I know I'm wrong but I cannot change the past, I'm not looking for financial help as stated in my original post.

    Fireflyaway you are right a child has the right to know it's father unfortunately it's not always as simple.

    Pollycat I agree it is better if he tells her otherwise it will appear as vindictive.

    Judi you are right we are both to blame, and I hold my hands up.

    To those I didn't name, I agree with all your comments. My fear is he has more to lose if his wife found out. I have done enough damage and my plan (not well thought) was to keep quiet and just have the baby.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    Best for who though?
    You?
    Your priority is your (as yet unborn) child.


    Don't reject financial assistance for your child to make your life - and maybe your ex-lover's wife's life - easier.


    As for what he has to lose, he should have considered that before starting an affair.
    Any damage you have done is far outweighed by the damage he has done to his wife and children.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 4th Jul 18, 8:17 PM
    • 48 Posts
    • 89 Thanks
    Mylife
    Pollycat I guess you are right, I should do what is best for the baby . It's all a mess but I have to deal with it.
    • Red-Squirrel
    • By Red-Squirrel 4th Jul 18, 8:37 PM
    • 4,073 Posts
    • 11,004 Thanks
    Red-Squirrel
    [QUOTE=Judi;74487514]Not all men are bum wipes you know/QUOTE]

    He cheated on his wife 8 weeks ago and didn't even bother to use a condom. Right thing?
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