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  • FIRST POST
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
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    mellymoo74
    talk me down please
    • #1
    • 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
    talk me down please 20th Apr 14 at 11:12 PM
    Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.
    Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.
    OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.
    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat.
    MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer we have been ensuring she has company food etc (regular visits) I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again she went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister the auntie nephews etc to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.
    OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.
    We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.
    Still not called OH no contact nothing.
    I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.
    So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?
Page 3
  • lilmissreading
    She's got antibiotics for a residual bladder infection I think its that (doesn't smell like a full on infection does smell like it could be that)
    Yep, just like that im sucked back in, doing it for OH
    If I can be about he will know that its been mentioned

    Bloody stressed and knackered
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    Probably not drinking enough. Can understand why as must be hideous having to get up after surgery.

    How rubbish for you. Will she mind if you take a book or magazine? Assume the nurse can't say what time they'll come and you could be there for longer than hoped? If she did mind would it matter?!
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 3rd May 14, 10:38 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Probably not drinking enough. Can understand why as must be hideous having to get up after surgery.

    How rubbish for you. Will she mind if you take a book or magazine? Assume the nurse can't say what time they'll come and you could be there for longer than hoped? If she did mind would it matter?!
    Originally posted by lilmissreading
    Nope it won't matter at all, provided I can keep calm.

    The discomfort shes feeling coupled with normal service mean we are at subtle stage bit easier to deal with.
  • lilmissreading
    Well hopefully if you can stay distracted with a magazine the time will pass faster than without.

    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 7th Jun 14, 10:06 PM
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    mellymoo74
    And so it begins again.

    The infection wont heal so have been going over to help each night whilst working in a temp role and looking for a perm job, got redundancy money last week and got a car ( means OH) can get out and about important as his mental health deteriorated in the year we have been without.
    Hes now responsible for getting her to hospital appointments apparently and she wanted him to take her somewhere tomorrow but we arr in my hometown for a family event guess who's selfish evil and will be glad when shes dead of the cancer soon etc.

    I find going home difficult cos it makes me think of my dad and upsets me, I am tired, have a grumpy husband, job hunting and training to contend with don't need the additional crap.
  • lilmissreading
    And so it begins again.

    The infection wont heal so have been going over to help each night whilst working in a temp role and looking for a perm job, got redundancy money last week and got a car ( means OH) can get out and about important as his mental health deteriorated in the year we have been without.
    Hes now responsible for getting her to hospital appointments apparently and she wanted him to take her somewhere tomorrow but we arr in my hometown for a family event guess who's selfish evil and will be glad when shes dead of the cancer soon etc.

    I find going home difficult cos it makes me think of my dad and upsets me, I am tired, have a grumpy husband, job hunting and training to contend with don't need the additional crap.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    sounds relentless. Have you contacted macmillan to see if there is any further help they can suggest or her GP? Can help take some of the burden off and if she refuses then it can feel easier to say it needs to be the care or yourself. She will displeased with you whether you kill yourself to please her or not so you might as well save your time if you can.

    Lucky him being the taxi - interesting how often 'favourite' children don't have to do this? Because she knows he will do what she wants and they won't?

    So sorry to hear there is stress for you too on top of all of this. Hope today goes as well as it can.

    Guess who's the bitter, discontented narcissist?
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 8th Jun 14, 10:55 AM
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    Gingernutty
    Oh I hated that with my own family. When I was unemployed "I wasn't doing anything" so I could accompany people, go places and run errands - all at my expense.

    London was bad enough, but when I was expected to trawl all the way from the Midlands to London and back on the same day when I couldn't drive, had no money and relied on National Express for the cheaper fares (it was always at 24 to 48 hours notice) - I despaired.

    Who told her you now have a car?

    Stop sharing information.

    Where are the favoured children? Oh that's right. They're busy with jobs and family - she doesn't want to be a burden. To them.

    Pandering to her will only make her demands more outrageous - you seem to get that, but your husband needs to get on board with that.

    She knows that making demands at such short notice will sometimes mean you aren't in the position to run to her when she calls - she's setting you up to fail.

    I agree with the previous poster - Look to see if there's a service run by the hospital or McMillan.

    What help around the home is there?

    You know you won't please her, so stop trying to do all of it. Rope in as much help as you can - call Social Services if you have to.
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 8th Jun 14, 11:20 AM
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    Mojisola
    You know you won't please her, so stop trying to do all of it. Rope in as much help as you can - call Social Services if you have to.
    Originally posted by Gingernutty
    This ^

    You've got the choice of being at her beck and call (and all the frustration that involves) and being in the wrong or cutting back on what you do (and having a less stressful life) and being in the wrong.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 6:12 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Ok update time SIL was diagnosed with uterine and stomach cancer two weeks ago.

    I have been working in a perm role meaning 500 miles a week and trying to keep everyone together OH is devestated he lost his dad to cancer.

    Work has been difficult so I have decided to leave and take a part time role nearer home.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 7:33 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Unlike MIL, SILs is grade 4 so is terminal
    • mandragora
    • By mandragora 13th Dec 14, 8:41 PM
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    mandragora
    If it helps, I know something of what you're going through. It's a tough road, and not one you arrive at this point easily.

    For me it was ten years of working full time, with a young family and giving up every Saturday to do her bidding. The times I didn't go, I was slagged off to the other DIL; the times I did go (most of them) I was moaned at and told what I'd done wrong. If the SIL wasn't there, she'd be slagged off. After ten years I realised that if I didn't go I'd be b*tched about; if I did go, I'd be b*tched to, then b*tched about, with my every action analysed and criticised. So I eventually chose to spend my Saturdays in a nicer way, and know I'd be All Things Evil to anyone who spoke to her, but as I can't have been that far off anyway, at least I'd get to enjoy my weekends.

    Cue 20 more years like this, but long distance, insofar as the fact that while I stopped going, my OH felt he owed it to her to go and see her. I supported him in this and occasionally dropped in myself, at which times, I slapped my thickest skin on, my fake smile and just accepted I'd turn in an hour's worth of acting just to touch base and keep my OH happy that at least we'd tried.

    Then, last year, after twenty years of whining, b*tching and fault-finding, my OH had been through the wringer so much (he was working part-time at this point, and organised his day off each week around visiting her and meeting her demands) that the day finally came when he could take it no more. He told her to stop saying nasty things about us..She carried on. She then started saying nasty things about him and what a dreadful son he'd been. He stood up, told her that if she didn't stop, he would walk out and never come back. She didn't stop. He walked out and has never been back.

    Yes, he found it hard in some ways, yes, there are things which are going on for her right now which would be easier if he was still in her life to help her. But.

    She is, sad to say, reaping what she has sown. My OH is a patient man, but when he had finally had enough, there was never going to be any turning back. All you can do is put into the relationship as much as you can and then a little bit more - she is your children's grandmother and his mum, when all's said and done. Once you've done that, if it's still not any better, cut your own losses but support your OH, in whatever it is that he feels he needs to do. Try not to let your own anger get in the way. Look after him, take care of him, and, exactly as you have done, let him vent to you, and then you vent elsewhere. If it comes to the point when he decides to walk away, then if that is his own decision, then he will know how to live with it, because he will know why he's done it. Bite your tongue as long as you possibly can, and as hard as you can. At the end of the day, she's the only mum he's got, and it's so complex the only thing you can do is try not to get too drawn in, but be there on the sidelines for him when he needs you.

    Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts.
    Reason for edit? Can spell, can't type!
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 8:51 PM
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    mellymoo74
    We've had the !!!!!in today cos we didn't pick her up and take her to golden child's. As we have been picking her up and taking her every night since the diagnosis not getting home till 11pm not getting to bed till gone midnight up again at 5.30am you can imagine the state of me.
    Oh gone to a friends for a break she's called 3 times I am refusing to pick up.
    • mandragora
    • By mandragora 13th Dec 14, 8:55 PM
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    mandragora
    Allocate a different ring tone to her number than the standard one that all others come in on, then you won't have to even go to the phone to know it's her ringing - and makes it easier for you to decide if you're going to pick up or not. You will never change her behaviour, but you can moderate the impact you let it have on your life.
    Reason for edit? Can spell, can't type!
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 8:58 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Luckily it's the land line and she's the only person who calls that so have turned the volume off.
    As I resemble an extra from the walking dead I am gonna have a shower and cuddle the dogs who have forgotten what I look like.
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Dec 14, 9:50 PM
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    Mojisola
    Nope, they back up MIL so OH gets flack from all sides. His sister is the golden child who can do no wrong his cousins all amounted to something where as he is just a waste of space etc.

    I discovered today that she tells him he should never have been born at least he is getting all of this out just need to deal with it.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    Time to make it up with MIL. It's no fun taking a day off work to go to a funeral only to find she's left all the money to the dogs home.
    Originally posted by TBeckett100
    No amount of money is worth putting up with being treated like that!
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 10:04 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Tbecket 100 I have reported your post. I know your a troll and I don't usually mind but as I have caring responsibility for a OH with the crumbly bones arthritis, a nasty MIL, a SIL who is a chip off the old block and 3 kids as well as working full time sort of lost my sense of humour.

    found your comment really offensive in part because I made sure I got nothing from my father because it wouldn't bring him back and I cared for him at the end and I didn't want anyone to be able to accuse me of only doing it for money.
  • purpleshoes
    Tbecket 100 I have reported your post. I know your a troll and I don't usually mind but as I have caring responsibility for a OH with the crumbly bones arthritis, a nasty MIL, a SIL who is a chip off the old block and 3 kids as well as working full time sort of lost my sense of humour.

    found your comment really offensive in part because I made sure I got nothing from my father because it wouldn't bring him back and I cared for him at the end and I didn't want anyone to be able to accuse me of only doing it for money.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    Has made several troll posts in the last few weeks, but there's a line you don't cross, common decency if that's possible.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 10:25 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Exactly. I haven't got enough energy to put up with idiots at the minute so even though I tried not to engage I couldn't help it.
    • TBeckett100
    • By TBeckett100 13th Dec 14, 10:28 PM
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    TBeckett100
    Tbecket 100 I have reported your post. I know your a troll and I don't usually mind but as I have caring responsibility for a OH with the crumbly bones arthritis, a nasty MIL, a SIL who is a chip off the old block and 3 kids as well as working full time sort of lost my sense of humour.

    found your comment really offensive in part because I made sure I got nothing from my father because it wouldn't bring him back and I cared for him at the end and I didn't want anyone to be able to accuse me of only doing it for money.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    Older people can be fickle when preparing wills. A missed Christmas card is often a very common reason why people get written out

    Of course people don't do it for the money but don't turn it down out of principle. Principles don't repay mortgages. Goodwill or a good will does
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 13th Dec 14, 10:35 PM
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    mellymoo74
    It won't be a problem again have used the ignore function.
    I am so tired too hyped to sleep though. Other than counting sheep and the clench and unclench trick anyone any suggestions?
    • TBeckett100
    • By TBeckett100 13th Dec 14, 10:40 PM
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    TBeckett100
    You could try counting dogs with golden bones jumping over your mortgage debt

    I'm surprised that someone terminally ill is still picking arguments and causing discord at what must be a tough time for all involved.
    Last edited by TBeckett100; 13-12-2014 at 10:42 PM.
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