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    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
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    mellymoo74
    talk me down please
    • #1
    • 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
    talk me down please 20th Apr 14 at 11:12 PM
    Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.
    Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.
    OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.
    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat.
    MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer we have been ensuring she has company food etc (regular visits) I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again she went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister the auntie nephews etc to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.
    OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.
    We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.
    Still not called OH no contact nothing.
    I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.
    So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?
Page 2
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 25th Apr 14, 10:12 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Today we have a first MIL called to check OH is ok as she hasn't heard from him.

    I am keeping my cynical reaction to myself (difficult I admit) because of this and to stop me exploding I would like to use this thread to vent.
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 26th Apr 14, 1:51 PM
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    Gingernutty
    Feel free to vent away.

    When you're not interacting with her and her golden circle, you're not under her control. Putting yourself out for her got nothing but spite, so why should you?

    You have to do what you feel is right for you and your husband.
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 26th Apr 14, 2:01 PM
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    pollypenny
    That's a good sign, she has missed him. Keep that sort of distance going, let her seek him, and you, out.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 26th Apr 14, 10:53 PM
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    mellymoo74
    During the call she had a go that hed not visited her in the hospital that she hadn't told us she was in. OH told her he'd called every day and gave her the time she went down for her op etc then it was the hospital had never said hed called but they told her when his sister called.
    OH hasn't been round yet and I'm not raising it with him, it was a lot of nodding and soothing when he was telling me whilst inside I was seething.

    I think the hope she will explain her behaviour, tell him she loves him etc are being dangled again and I am biting my tongue so I don't shatter his dreams as I can't tell whether it's better for him to have themor not.
    • cavework
    • By cavework 27th Apr 14, 4:24 PM
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    cavework
    She is actually making a move forward
    From what I have read he really is important to her and she is only now realising she only has a short time to tell him this .. forget the siblings forget the past (just for now)
    She knows she is dying .. the way your OH handles the next few weeks/months is for his peace of mind only, not the Mum he has problems with, although I truly hope they can reconnect as mother and son .
    If he gets it wrong , he will have to live with his decision for the rest of his life while she is tucked up in her grave (sorry)
    TC
    xxx
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 27th Apr 14, 9:53 PM
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    mellymoo74
    I can honestly see why you would think this.
    From my 12 year relationship with her I would say this isn't the case, the call was too berate and guilt trip OH for not visiting (despite the fact that she made that the case) and suck him back in, the fact that once it was made clear OH was in touch with the ward it became the hospitals fault for not telling her he had called (yet saying that the golden child called strange that) helps make that clear. OH still hasn't been round but he asked me to add stuff to my food delivery for her which like a supportive wife I have done.
    I used to make very similar excuses for her but following this I just can't.
    • cavework
    • By cavework 1st May 14, 5:50 PM
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    cavework
    TBH do the right thing.. you make sure her time left is filled with love and compassion no matter what an a*** she may have been in the past
    You and your OH need to understand that when she dies it will be you and OH who will have to live with how you dealt with this.
    You are not the first to have to deal with this situation and you won't be the last, but your decision now as how to handle this, will have a long term effect on you , I can't tell you to forget the past but it's a horrible situation when things are not resolved and someone has died
    (sorry for being so dramatic , but it is true)
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 2nd May 14, 5:17 AM
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    mellymoo74
    He went round Wednesday and took her her meat shes still in 'nice stage' that should last until he goes round tonight when the criticism will start again judging by previous occasions.

    Oh and its stage 2 not the I will be dead in 2 months that was said when she was having a go exact words 'well I will be dead in 2 months from the cancer so you can throw a party cos you're rid of me'

    OH didn't know what that meant so I went through stages with him (ie my dad was stage 4 and he lived just under 2 years) Uterine cancer can be faster growing but average life span at her age with a stage 2 is over 5.

    Its OHs decision my job is to keep him sane hence getting my venting out here so he can just get love and support.

    And you are right about the fault picking. The hospital appointment where they organised the hysterectomy was my 40th birthday. I went with her taking a days holiday and got 'couldn't this appointment have been arrange for earlier we are going to hit the traffic now (I paid for a bloody taxi!)

    Most people cant grasp that not every mum is nice and they are not all deserving of unconditional love having watched her treat OH like dirt because he wanted to see his dad when he was 6 for 12 years I find niceness difficult.


    cavework, do you honestly have clue here?

    Did you not read the part where the old bat had a go at her son for not visiting the hospital when no one told him she was there?

    As far as the old b!tch is concerned, there are winners and losers. She has to win every time. Every conversation, every social 'transaction', every argument, every time. She's got to look good and that means someone has to look bad. And that means scapegoat son has to lose.

    The idea that she owes anyone for anything is such a joke to her that she won't even contemplate the notion.

    All the work mellymoo74 and her OH have put in so far - shopping, visiting, organising hospital appointments - that, as far as she's concerned is her due. No thanks required.

    She's probably picked fault with everything done for her so far.

    mellymo74 and her OH have to do what's right for them. They've tried and been criticised every step of the way.

    Now, the old bat's on her death bed and you can bet she's going to milk that for all it's worth.
    Originally posted by Gingernutty
    Last edited by mellymoo74; 02-05-2014 at 5:20 AM.
  • CH27
    Melly I think you need to be preparing your OH that he will never get what he wants or needs from his mum no matter what he does.

    He can never change her but he can change his mindset & expectations.

    I don't say the above lightly because I went through all this with my mum before she died & I know it's easier said than done.
    Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 2nd May 14, 7:40 AM
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    mellymoo74
    Melly I think you need to be preparing your OH that he will never get what he wants or needs from his mum no matter what he does.

    He can never change her but he can change his mindset & expectations.

    I don't say the above lightly because I went through all this with my mum before she died & I know it's easier said than done.
    Originally posted by CH27
    I try and make sure he knows that her behaviour is not his fault sometimes he even believes me.
    She makes her choices based on her mental state I know that she isn't going to tell him what he hopes she will I need to find a way of helping him understand that and also understand its not his fault.
  • lilmissreading
    Pete's sake. That woman.

    Yeah I bet she did call when she hadn't heard from him. Who else does she get to play her sadistic mind games with? She knows far too well how to push his buttons following years of doing this and she isn't going to stop now.

    A lifetime of this is too much and I regret that I can't see a good ending to this. I very much fear your poor OH will end up guilty and stressed regardless.

    Props to you mellymoo for not sharing with OH when he just needs a loving ear and not more grief. You come and vent any time you need.

    Do you have a cushion/beanbag etc you pretend is her and then punch the heck out of it? When it was my relatives DH would obligingly sit against a wall protected by a very large thick cushion or beanbag while I punched the living daylights out of it. You could probably just leave it on the sofa or go for a sofa cushion.

    The pattern will cotninue as long as he lets it. His choice is to carry on and it will be the same as it ever was or to change and the high chance of it blowing up in his face with her refusing to speak to him. You and I might consider this a blessing but doesn't seem like he would. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 2nd May 14, 7:22 PM
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    mellymoo74
    It is hard, today's complaint was noone took her any food when she was in hospital or visited and dont get me that waitrose chicken again it was tasteless I don't know why you waste your money etc etc etc. OH is demoralised I am using some of my redundancy money to get him that crest ring made it will make him happy, he worshipped his dad.

    My dogs are well walked today!
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 3rd May 14, 6:51 AM
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    mellymoo74
    So OH being the lovely man he is called last night to check she was ok and the lack of my visiting was raised OH reminded her that I have been made redundant this week so have been busy with that he has asked me to go with him today.
    If I want to make sure he doesn't get too much crap I am going to need to go wish me luck not telling her what I think is going to be hard not telling OH shes an evil cow is equally difficult.
  • CH27
    IMO you need to start telling him she is an evil moo & that he will never get answers.
    You think it's bad now but it will be worse when she has gone & he'll get answers. Sorry.

    Mybe some counselling will help him to realise no of this is his fault.
    Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
  • lilmissreading
    Good luck my lovely. To both of you.

    Don't know how it usually goes - do you end up arguing about what has and hasn't been done? If so, try just agreeing with her or giving sympathy. 'oh dear poor you, hmm that does sound hard.' The trick is to sympathise without admitting fault. Drives manipulative people nuts.

    Have you got a nice quiet evening planned? Sounds like you and DH needs some time together. My DH yesterday punched a cushion several times. Helped greatly.

    Unfortunately even the people who KNOW their mother is an evil psychopath still don't relish other people saying it and can often push them into defending said spawn of the devil. Such a primeval relationship.

    I think counselling could be helpful but unfortunately I don't know how easy it would be to access on the NHS
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • cavework
    • By cavework 3rd May 14, 6:04 PM
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    cavework
    cavework, do you honestly have clue here?

    Did you not read the part where the old bat had a go at her son for not visiting the hospital when no one told him she was there?

    As far as the old b!tch is concerned, there are winners and losers. She has to win every time. Every conversation, every social 'transaction', every argument, every time. She's got to look good and that means someone has to look bad. And that means scapegoat son has to lose.

    The idea that she owes anyone for anything is such a joke to her that she won't even contemplate the notion.

    All the work mellymoo74 and her OH have put in so far - shopping, visiting, organising hospital appointments - that, as far as she's concerned is her due. No thanks required.

    She's probably picked fault with everything done for her so far.

    mellymo74 and her OH have to do what's right for them. They've tried and been criticised every step of the way.

    Now, the old bat's on her death bed and you can bet she's going to milk that for all it's worth.
    Originally posted by Gingernutty

    and that's the whole point.. you really do not get it!
    I am not sympathising with the way she is behaving but I do understand the knock on effect on the still living, once she is dead and buried..
    She is playing her son ... but she is going to die .. son can deal with this manipulation any way he pleases BUT son will then have to live with the results of his decisions
    If son can say S** his mother and she deserves all she gets then fine
    and to answer your question?
    Yes I do have a clue .. so try being a bit more polite please


    TBH if you have both had enough and.she is really not as ill as she makes out , walk away now .. leave her to it and get on with your lives with a clear conscience
    Last edited by cavework; 03-05-2014 at 6:29 PM.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 3rd May 14, 8:25 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Good luck my lovely. To both of you.

    Don't know how it usually goes - do you end up arguing about what has and hasn't been done? If so, try just agreeing with her or giving sympathy. 'oh dear poor you, hmm that does sound hard.' The trick is to sympathise without admitting fault. Drives manipulative people nuts.

    Have you got a nice quiet evening planned? Sounds like you and DH needs some time together. My DH yesterday punched a cushion several times. Helped greatly.

    Unfortunately even the people who KNOW their mother is an evil psychopath still don't relish other people saying it and can often push them into defending said spawn of the devil. Such a primeval relationship.

    I think counselling could be helpful but unfortunately I don't know how easy it would be to access on the NHS
    Originally posted by lilmissreading
    Tired, the nurse hadn't been so only little digs today.
    There's a smell which I think is related to the hysterectomy (tho it was obviously OH lol) might need to be about when/if the nurse turns up as it has OH worried.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 3rd May 14, 8:32 PM
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    mellymoo74
    and that's the whole point.. you really do not get it!
    I am not sympathising with the way she is behaving but I do understand the knock on effect on the still living, once she is dead and buried..
    She is playing her son ... but she is going to die .. son can deal with this manipulation any way he pleases BUT son will then have to live with the results of his decisions
    If son can say S** his mother and she deserves all she gets then fine
    and to answer your question?
    Yes I do have a clue .. so try being a bit more polite please


    TBH if you have both had enough and.she is really not as ill as she makes out , walk away now .. leave her to it and get on with your lives with a clear conscience
    Originally posted by cavework
    She isn't. I would but as stated I will not influence OH and to be honest whether he stays or not he is still going to have the guilts he just wouldn't have all this crap to deal with in the meantime. Not my decision is his, my job is to ensure its as easy as possible for him however in order for me to do this I need somewhere to vent.
  • lilmissreading
    Tired, the nurse hadn't been so only little digs today.
    There's a smell which I think is related to the hysterectomy (tho it was obviously OH lol) might need to be about when/if the nurse turns up as it has OH worried.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    That sounds disturbing.

    Does that mean another visit tomorrow? How draining for you both
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 3rd May 14, 9:28 PM
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    mellymoo74
    That sounds disturbing.

    Does that mean another visit tomorrow? How draining for you both
    Originally posted by lilmissreading
    She's got antibiotics for a residual bladder infection I think its that (doesn't smell like a full on infection does smell like it could be that)
    Yep, just like that im sucked back in, doing it for OH
    If I can be about he will know that its been mentioned

    Bloody stressed and knackered
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