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    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
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    mellymoo74
    talk me down please
    • #1
    • 20th Apr 14, 11:12 PM
    talk me down please 20th Apr 14 at 11:12 PM
    Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.
    Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.
    OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.
    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat.
    MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer we have been ensuring she has company food etc (regular visits) I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again she went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister the auntie nephews etc to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.
    OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.
    We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.
    Still not called OH no contact nothing.
    I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.
    So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?
Page 1
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 21st Apr 14, 12:18 AM
    • 3,519 Posts
    • 10,694 Thanks
    Gingernutty
    • #2
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:18 AM
    • #2
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:18 AM
    Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away - the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.

    Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.

    OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.

    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled.

    2 years on, another argument is provoked, then eventually reconciled, then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding, then reconciled rinse and repeat.

    MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. We have been ensuring she has company and food etc (regular visits).

    I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again.

    She went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister, the auntie nephews etc, to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.

    OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.

    We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.

    Still not called OH no contact nothing.

    I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.

    So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    Short answer - you can't.

    She's a drama llama of the first order.

    Now she's terminally ill, people are going to give her a lot of leeway even though she seems to be a spiteful, grudge holding old bat.

    She's going to ensure she's going to be looked after, so don't worry yourself about how she's going to cope.

    Your OH is going to be angry with her - she may even work that to her advantage.

    "I'm a sick old woman! Look how he's treating me!"

    The classiest thing you can do is leave her alone and button it.

    You two can do without the stress.
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 12:25 AM
    • 6,054 Posts
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    mellymoo74
    • #3
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:25 AM
    • #3
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:25 AM
    Thanks part of me thinks I am being horrible when she is poorly the rest of me thinks what was her excuse previously.

    OH is mainly angry with the others for not contacting him at the minute. I think the hardest thing for him is coming to terms with the fact that she will never tell him she loves him and hes a good son
    • Gingernutty
    • By Gingernutty 21st Apr 14, 12:35 AM
    • 3,519 Posts
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    Gingernutty
    • #4
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:35 AM
    • #4
    • 21st Apr 14, 12:35 AM
    There are a couple of threads about narcissistic mothers - she seems to fit that to a T.

    She never will praise him regardless of how hard he (and you, his wife) have tried. He will never please her, get anything right and always be made to look like the black sheep.

    He's got to know that - he must never hold out any hope.
    Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway...
    • meer53
    • By meer53 21st Apr 14, 10:54 AM
    • 9,476 Posts
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    meer53
    • #5
    • 21st Apr 14, 10:54 AM
    • #5
    • 21st Apr 14, 10:54 AM
    I'd tell your OH to stop worrying about it. It's her loss at the end of the day. She sounds like an attention seeking old battleaxe, best avoided.
  • Errata
    • #6
    • 21st Apr 14, 11:50 AM
    • #6
    • 21st Apr 14, 11:50 AM
    stop myself from telling her off?
    Look at it this way, no decent person 'tells off' a woman who is dying of cancer. Compassion for someone who knows they will die very soon can't be underrated.
    .....................I'm smiling because I have no idea what's going on ...
  • lilmissreading
    • #7
    • 21st Apr 14, 1:15 PM
    • #7
    • 21st Apr 14, 1:15 PM
    Would it help to keep in mind she is probably get a heck of a lot of enjoyment from the upset she is causing both if you? Therefore if you want to scupper her games, refuse to comment on what she does or act upset. See how long it takes her to ask whether you noticed something she did and have a little smile to yourself cos it won't be long. Keep the moral high ground by smiling sweetly on the outside and I bet nothing will gall her more. That's how it goes with the drama llamas in my family.

    That way you are treating her with politeness but not letting her 'win' by forcing you into looking bad.

    I am so sorry for you and OH - what a horribly difficult situation. Take care of both of you
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
  • lilmissreading
    • #8
    • 21st Apr 14, 1:19 PM
    • #8
    • 21st Apr 14, 1:19 PM
    Look at it this way, no decent person 'tells off' a woman who is dying of cancer. Compassion for someone who knows they will die very soon can't be underrated.
    Originally posted by Errata
    On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 2:06 PM
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    mellymoo74
    • #9
    • 21st Apr 14, 2:06 PM
    • #9
    • 21st Apr 14, 2:06 PM
    On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.
    Originally posted by lilmissreading
    Thank you for understanding. Shes been trying to provoke this for 6 months I defy anyone to not want to tell off a woman who makes her son feel small and worthless who can still make him cry
    • Yorkie1
    • By Yorkie1 21st Apr 14, 2:29 PM
    • 11,055 Posts
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    Yorkie1
    On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.
    Originally posted by lilmissreading
    +1.

    If the situation is that she doesn't want anything to do with your OH, and the family are partially estranged too, then I wonder what you would have to lose by giving her some measured, constructive feedback?

    What would your OH say to this - would he hate you to do it, or not?
  • lilmissreading
    Thank you for understanding. Shes been trying to provoke this for 6 months I defy anyone to not want to tell off a woman who makes her son feel small and worthless who can still make him cry
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    You're welcome. I would hate DH (or myself for that matter) to be put in such a position. I would still want to censor unacceptable behaviour regardless of someone's health condition. There are always limits and your well being (both of you) counts too. Dying doesn't just affect the individual who is terminal. If you've behaved badly all your life and keep on doing it you can't expect people round you to change overnight because you're ill. You can only expect change when you change.
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • cavework
    • By cavework 21st Apr 14, 5:17 PM
    • 1,904 Posts
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    cavework
    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat. ..


    Your OH is her little boy , was and always will be.
    You are just the DIL (sorry)
    She needs her son but refuses to admit it.. she is his Mum and maybe is one of many who find it very hard to understand that when their son meets the love of his life , their job as number one woman in sons life is replaced
    Your OH has this chance to make sure that when the time comes he has taken the opportunity to tell his Mum how much she has meant to him during his life and done everything possible for her..
    MIL won't worry once she is gone but your OH will have to live with any decisions made now.
    Send him on his own to have one to one time with his Mum ..as often as he/she needs He is a grown up adult man.
    xx
    PS tell him to ignore the wedding agro , if she keeps bringing it up , it is because she feels bad .. start concentrating on the years she spent bringing him up
    Last edited by cavework; 21-04-2014 at 5:32 PM.
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 6:01 PM
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    mellymoo74
    The wedding is just what she has used since it was available as ammo prior to that it was the fact he still wanted to see his dad when they split up (he was 6 and is now 43)

    I tried the benefit of the doubt dislikes the interloper excuses but shes done this his whole life

    Spoke to him about me talking to her he thinks it would make it worse so thats out. He did let me explain his position to our nephew who has apologised for not telling him what was going on.
    • cavework
    • By cavework 21st Apr 14, 6:17 PM
    • 1,904 Posts
    • 2,765 Thanks
    cavework
    Mellymoo.. what does your OH want to do about it?
    Not you , not the rellies, just him?
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 6:26 PM
    • 6,054 Posts
    • 14,074 Thanks
    mellymoo74
    He wants his mum to talk to him and to keep away from the others.

    One on one time doesn't work, we tried that without the code word shes able to get him to argue back.
    So do I bolster his confidence and encourage him, keep out of it and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong?
    • pollypenny
    • By pollypenny 21st Apr 14, 7:49 PM
    • 26,143 Posts
    • 69,147 Thanks
    pollypenny
    He wants his mum to talk to him and to keep away from the others.

    One on one time doesn't work, we tried that without the code word shes able to get him to argue back.
    So do I bolster his confidence and encourage him, keep out of it and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong?
    Originally posted by mellymoo74


    Yes, all you can do is support him. If he's tried a one to one, opening their hearts and it's failed that's a shame.

    Do other relatives speak up for your OH?
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 7:59 PM
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    mellymoo74
    Nope, they back up MIL so OH gets flack from all sides. His sister is the golden child who can do no wrong his cousins all amounted to something where as he is just a waste of space etc.
    I discovered today that she tells him he should never have been born at least he is getting all of this out just need to deal with it.
  • lilmissreading
    The more I hear the sadder I feel for you and your poor OH. But also angry with this vicious, spiteful sounding woman. It must be so hard limiting yourself to supporting him when you also want to defend him against her.

    I don't think you can underestimate what it must mean to him to have that warm, supportive environment to come back to. When we were having some 'family dynamics' we agreed to only have those conversations in certain places so that there were parts of the house that were not about other people and so all our time wasn't talking about them. For example the bedroom was off limits for talking about so it was still a relaxing area but the local pub and the dining table were full on allowed as was talking while cooking in the kitchen. It mostly worked and helped us to feel that we could draw a line under it.

    What a nightmare. Good luck getting through this.
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
    • mellymoo74
    • By mellymoo74 21st Apr 14, 8:37 PM
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    mellymoo74
    That sounds like a good idea thank you.

    And yes the more he tells me the angrier I am becoming I am also proud of him hes managed to overcome a horrendous start. Hes still trying to maintain a relationship with her.
  • lilmissreading
    That sounds like a good idea thank you.

    And yes the more he tells me the angrier I am becoming I am also proud of him hes managed to overcome a horrendous start. Hes still trying to maintain a relationship with her.
    Originally posted by mellymoo74
    I think sometimes the meaner the parent the more the child tries to maintain a relationship as they are trying to find out why it went wrong or even at the last minute try to make it work. They believe that more effort and it might just work one day. Sadly in some situations that just fuels the inexplicable vitriol on the parental side.

    I'm glad for him that you are proud of him. Quite right too. I think life is blooming tough and I had the good fortune to be born to loving parents. What it's like when that is lacking seems hard to imagine. I hope he can see himself through your eyes and not his mother's.

    I like to send you both big hugs
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014
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