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    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 18th May 19, 6:18 PM
    • 11Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    Girlfriend won't sell her house
    • #1
    • 18th May 19, 6:18 PM
    Girlfriend won't sell her house 18th May 19 at 6:18 PM
    Hello.

    I was wondering if someone can give me some advise.

    I have been with my girlfriend for nearly 10years now. We have three children.

    She has a help to buy scheme mortgage with her ex boyfriend which she brought when she was 19. No one is currently living in the property. Madness i know - he pays the mortgage.

    Im renting a home for my family ( I have always rented I'm 34) however since I've been at my current address I've spend over 45k in rent.

    I really would like to buy my own home now. I don't earn mega bugs but I earn enough to buy something. (I'd buy a shed and live in it the way I'm feeling right now as long as its mine)

    I really need to have my partners income contributed to the help to buy scheme so we could just about afford to buy a house big enough for us all. I know those schemes aren't all they are cracked up to be. But it's my best option atm.

    But I can't even get her to talk to the bank or mortgage company let alone her ex about getting their house sorted in some capacity.

    Everyday I go to work but recently it's getting more and more difficult as I feel what's the point. My girlfriend hasn't made any contributions to her mortgage so I understand she won't gain anything ( which is fine I don't want the money) but he will. The longer he has it the more profit he is making. And the longer I stay where we are the more of my money I wast paying for my landlords Chelsea season tickets and trips to Barbados. Every one is winning but me. It's causing fights everyday as I'm so depressed.
    If she worried about commitment again then I understand but least she could do is tell me. Least just get rid of the house that way we can build our relationship based on what we have to together not what we share with her ex.

    I even said about giving him some money to get him off the mortgage. But I don't know where to start. I kinda need options to go over with my girlfriend to at least make her more comfortable at trying to sort it out.

    Can I just she just buy his half.
    Can she just get herself removed.
    Can I pay him cash to take himself of the mortgage.
    Can she force him to sell.

    I really don't know who to talk to either. And I'm a bit unwilling to pay for advice when it's not even my house and my girlfriend probably won't even follow it through.

    Any help appreciated as I'm a desperate man .

    If not thanks for taking time to read this sorry it went on for a bit. Lol
Page 2
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 11:55 AM
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    Chrislaw1984
    I'm not gonna ask her to marry me just to get her to sell her house. If I'm honest I don't need to get married and im not going to get married.
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 11:59 AM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    Maybe you yes. But not to me
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 19th May 19, 1:18 PM
    • 36,191 Posts
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    getmore4less
    I believe the same. And I try and support but the more I push the more she thinks I'm being a !!!! and pushy. Which I don't get I've waited and been patient for long enough
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    You need the discussion about where she sees her life going.

    If that includes buying a house as a family how does she see that happening.

    No pushing just what she wants, if it is not compatible with where you want to be going you need to review.
    • es5595
    • By es5595 19th May 19, 3:02 PM
    • 127 Posts
    • 145 Thanks
    es5595
    I'm not gonna ask her to marry me just to get her to sell her house. If I'm honest I don't need to get married and im not going to get married.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    Then perhaps you've reached an impasse. You don't want to commit to her and provide stability in her life, so why should she lose the only other stability she has? Or has she been burnt once by someone wanted her name on a mortgage so they can buy a house, and she's not prepared to do it again, especially if you're not prepared to commit to her in return?

    Maybe you both need to sit down separately and write a list of what you want and the compromises you're prepared to make, and then see how they match up? I'm getting the impression that the house issue is just covering over a bigger issue in your relationship, but hopefully I'm wrong.
    • AnotherJoe
    • By AnotherJoe 19th May 19, 4:52 PM
    • 14,581 Posts
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    AnotherJoe
    I'm not gonna ask her to marry me just to get her to sell her house. If I'm honest I don't need to get married and im not going to get married.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    It wasn't about getting married for the sake of it it was testing why she's not interested in buying a house with you and was it beCause you weren't interested in committing ? You are the one giving the impression this is becoming make or break. I'm out.
    Please dont criticise my spelling. It's excellent. Its my typing that's bad.
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 5:02 PM
    • 11 Posts
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    Chrislaw1984
    How is her house stability? If a house with her ex is more stable than me caring for her for 10years and having 3 children with her then I guess my point or efforts don't mean squat. Just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean I can't be a good partner or dad. If she sold her house with her ex first and things got better I may consider it. But she's not having it all her way. She was old enough to buy the house she's old enough to sort it out.... For me the house is the biggest issue. It needs to go. I'm not an idiot for saying that. It's common sense. I want it to be an issue for my gf as it is for me.
    • julicorn
    • By julicorn 19th May 19, 5:24 PM
    • 747 Posts
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    julicorn
    If a house with her ex is more stable than me caring for her for 10years and having 3 children with her then I guess my point or efforts don't mean squat. Just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean I can't be a good partner or dad. [...] I'm not an idiot for saying that. It's common sense. I want it to be an issue for my gf as it is for me.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    You've got to talk to your girlfriend. All your posts here project a lot of insecurities around your relationship that can't just be justified simply from her not selling her house.

    Also, in your original post you keep saying 'my own home', 'my options', etc, but also talking about using your gf's income to get the mortgage. I'm assuming it's a home for the both of you, that you would be buying together, but your post really doesn't read that way.

    Basically it just sounds like you both need to get on the same page in terms of what you want your future to look like.
    Original mortgage: December 2017, 203,495
    MFW start: April 2018, 201,800
    Current: 170,300
    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 19th May 19, 5:27 PM
    • 5,587 Posts
    • 7,709 Thanks
    ViolaLass
    How is her house stability? If a house with her ex is more stable than me caring for her for 10years and having 3 children with her then I guess my point or efforts don't mean squat. Just because I don't want to get married doesn't mean I can't be a good partner or dad. If she sold her house with her ex first and things got better I may consider it. But she's not having it all her way. She was old enough to buy the house she's old enough to sort it out.... For me the house is the biggest issue. It needs to go. I'm not an idiot for saying that. It's common sense. I want it to be an issue for my gf as it is for me.
    Originally posted by Chrislaw1984
    How much of this have you said to her? Outright, not beating about the bush.

    Have you asked her whether she's 'holding out' for marriage?

    I'm not saying you should propose but if this is what she's 'waiting' for then you need to know.

    What reasons does she give for not dealing with it?
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 19th May 19, 7:12 PM
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    Chrislaw1984
    So many times Violalass. Till I'm blue in the face. She doesn't even talk about it. Just ignores me and than we fight. Goes round and round in circles. I have no idea why she won't move on with it all. I have no explanation becaus she won't be honest. Sounds crazy but I don't know. She won't tell me.
    I'm seeing a counselor now just to deal with the stress of it all , makes me mad when she's just swanning around like nothing is wrong until we have dissagrement about it. Everyday I stay in hope the next day she will act .
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 20th May 19, 7:18 AM
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    getmore4less
    Her life may be too easy so why change.

    Have you looked at what she does when not working?
    what does she do with her earnings.


    Gets a lot more complicated when there are kids as they should be the priority, but careful not to use them as leverage.

    I think it is still down to working out where she sees/wants her life to go.


    Another option is for you to try to get the ex to engage in some progress, might be hard if they have moved away and they may not want to talk to you.

    Any mutual friends that you can bounce stuff off?
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 20th May 19, 7:58 AM
    • 2,780 Posts
    • 13,628 Thanks
    NBLondon
    The GF's previous house is a bit of a red-herring isn't it? If the ex is paying the mortgage and she contributes nothing then it doesn't matter that it's empty - depending on the small print of the scheme - he may not be able (or want ) to rent it out; he might plan to move there in 2 years time; he might be working on selling it for a profit or renting it out as soon as the mortgage is cleared. It's only a factor if he might be persuaded to sell up now and that would give the GF a lump sum for a deposit. Which could involve a legal squabble she's not prepared to get into.

    The question is whether you and she are prepared to put together your combined income into a combined home. Even if you would end up paying the bigger chunk. Maybe that would put her in a better place to think about tackling the other house. If she's not up for that - you have a different issue to think about first.

    Good Luck!
    "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
    • getmore4less
    • By getmore4less 20th May 19, 9:07 AM
    • 36,191 Posts
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    getmore4less
    The extra 3% SDLT does not help the finances
    She is on the mortgage even if not paying it will count towards affordability.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 20th May 19, 10:44 AM
    • 1,000 Posts
    • 2,241 Thanks
    BBH123
    I think she sees this house as her only long term security, her
    only asset. If you guys break up she'd have limited housing options for 3 kids but with this house she has somewhere to go. Whether that is true though given the circumstances of her ex paying the loan etc. she may not realise its not clear cut. She may think the longer she is on the mortgage and the value of the property goes up and the more her lump sum if ex wants to buy her out. Who knows.


    Personally I would never have 3 kids with ' just' a boyfriend and no owned home of our own but as she has I can see why she'd want security.


    To make this work I think you need to sit down and work out what you both want in life. If you are never going to agree what is the point of it all. But as someone else said you have created a massive financial noose around your neck with 3 kids. Your whole personal financial growth is going to be stifled as a single dad supporting his kids. That is why most people have kids once the house is bought and are married / engaged with the same life goals.
    Save 6k in 2019 challenge #44
    1577 / 6000
    • Chrislaw1984
    • By Chrislaw1984 20th May 19, 6:25 PM
    • 11 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    Chrislaw1984
    Sorry I got it so wrong 🙄🙄🙄🙄
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