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  • FIRST POST
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    • 59Posts
    • 92Thanks
    Mylife
    Messed up
    • #1
    • 3rd Jul 18, 8:19 PM
    Messed up 3rd Jul 18 at 8:19 PM
    I slept with a married man, yes I know it was wrong but what's done is done. I'm now 8wks pregnant and have decided to keep the baby. I did not want to involve the father, but he guessed it was his and eventually I admitted it. I can look /provide tor the baby alone. Financially I'm in a good place. he seems excited, wants accompany me to all my appointments, is suggesting names etc. I have tried to tell him that I do not wish to still be involved with him but he keeps calling, texting asking how I am.He is also offering money but I have said no. I'm thinking of moving and changing my no, but that would mean leaving my well paid job . Any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

    yes I know I was wrong
Page 15
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 17th May 19, 7:05 AM
    • 94 Posts
    • 278 Thanks
    Dimps_123
    Ah Mylife I am feeling for you. Very similar emotions to mine when I had my son, so many years ago. It all works out in the end - honestly! Enjoy spending time with your daughter, take it all in, create memories and record as much as you can.


    All you can do is take it one step at a time and no doubt you will have your daughter at the heart of every decision you make.


    In my situation I was 100% honest every step of the way with my son. As much as he could understand at each age I explained what happened and he made his own decisions along the way. Unfortunately his father died over ten years ago and my son never got the opportunity to sit down and ask his dad why, however as an adult he also understands why it didn't work out. Alcohol and drugs were a huge part of his dads life, so it was those that made the decision for him. I'm not defending that behaviour or saying your daughter's dad has it any easier or harder, but all we can do is the best for our children with the situation we are put in.


    I'm completely open with my son, yes I made mistakes and yes he has thrown back in my face (when he was an arrogant teenager of course :-) ). What I'm trying to say is we can only do our best. You sound like you want to do the best by your daughter and you will.


    xx
    DIMPS
    Working towards being debt free June 2022
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 17th May 19, 7:21 AM
    • 23,652 Posts
    • 63,783 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Sevenday thank you very much despite the situation not being ideal I'm so happy tired but happy. I wish I had a seven'day'!weekend

    Snowbird at the moment I don't know how to deal with it. He is not making it easy by pushing for more. When I said no he threw a tantrum to the point where I had to cut contact. At one time I said he can visit with his sister but he said no. He wants to visit on his own We are being punished. Things will have to change but I honestly don't know how.
    Originally posted by Mylife
    Is there a particular reason why you don't want him visiting on his own?
    Do you feel he wants to restart your relationship and you might feel pressured?
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 17th May 19, 10:02 AM
    • 848 Posts
    • 1,191 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Congratulations on your daughter. I know it's tiring and stressful but try to enjoy every moment with her, especially while she's tired.

    Like others I think you need to contact the CMS - there is amount he will HAVE to pay and your daughter is entitled to that. Please also make sure you are claiming child benefit and any other benefits you might be entitled to.

    The contact needs to be sorted out between the two of you but if he doesn't tell his wife at some point this will be very tricky.

    Look after yourself and your daughter. Don't be afraid to ask you mum for childcare help, she'd probably jump at the chance!

    x
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 17th May 19, 11:11 AM
    • 1,629 Posts
    • 3,236 Thanks
    harrys nan
    CongratulationsI have just caught with your thread.
    It's lovely to hear your daughter has arrived safe and sound.

    I know at the moment things are not too great with the dad, but he is a man and they don't always (often) think straight, I'm sure that it will sort itself out at least I hope so.
    For now, enjoy your daughter and start to make memories and ask your family to help out, they might think they are pushing themselves onto you.
    Look after yourself as well, take care xx
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better

    UPDATE,
    As of today 180919. my granddaughter is now my official granddaughter, adoption finally granted
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 17th May 19, 8:29 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    Dimps I like that you are honest with your son Im dure your son will appreciate it.You are brave and are doing it in a right way.i guess when the time comes I will have to tell the truth as well. If I'm honest I'm more embarrassed at the whole situation. I never thought in a million years I would have a baby with a married man.

    Harrysnan thank you,you were always so kind in your previous posts.I think I'm still overwhelmed at the moment but I hope things will work out. Although when I say work out I don't know in which way. I just don't know what I want. I want to be happy.

    Anna77 thank you for your advice I will look into sorting out financial support for the baby. I am now realizing that my previous stance to say we do not need his help was wrong. He needs to do his part. Also realistically money is the only thing he can offer without the wife knowing.

    Pollycat I am not good at saying no or being assertive. He is much more clever than me and would easily manipulate the situation and I could end up agreeing to see him again. An example of how gullible I am is I still believe some things he said about his marriage even though he must have been lying. I don't know if its because I want to comfort myself or just burying my head.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 18th May 19, 9:51 PM
    • 40,094 Posts
    • 37,456 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    I go back to a suggestion I believe I made much earlier in your thread. I really would seriously consider changing jobs as soon as you can, and / or moving away. No, you shouldn't have to, but if he is going to manipulate you and lie to you, then getting away would make that much harder for him.
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 19th May 19, 4:03 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    Savvy Sue changing jobs would indeed make it easier. I may have to because seeing him at work will probably bring new problems between us. Also I have to carry this secret at work for him as I'm sure he doesn't want people finding out. I really like my job and it's a lovely place to work, unfortunately I may have to leave.
    • Dimps_123
    • By Dimps_123 20th May 19, 7:19 AM
    • 94 Posts
    • 278 Thanks
    Dimps_123
    Mylife - please don't feel responsible for your daughter's father's mistakes and choices. I understand you feel like you have made a mistake and not in a place you ever thought you would be, but you are. Its happened and you have a beautiful baby daughter. You made the decision to have her - so something was calling you and saying it was the right thing to do. I agree with others in that you need to consider changing your job, if you feel you have to keep that secret. However, I think it would be a good idea to talk with the father first. He needs to take responsibility for this too, the upbringing and financial responsibility of your daughter, his own issues with his wife and their children and of course what will be explained at work if necessary. In the grand scheme of things - is it so bad that you had an affair with someone at work? It happens all the time, people will talk about it for a little while until the next bit of gossip comes along. It's none of their business! The most important thing is that you are mentally and physically healthy to be able to look after that baby of yours. Life will take over, that baby will grow up and you will be there for all those lovely milestones. I understand it might not be what you dreamt of - but you can make the best of it, in your own way.


    I know its easy for me to say, mine was 22 years ago - honestly I can still sit and cry over my lost dreams of bringing up my son in a "normal" family, but in practical terms what's normal these days? Keep your chin up and put your big girls pants on :-) Keep moving forward. I can only tell you how it worked for me and I hope a small part of that helps.


    Take care
    xx
    DIMPS
    Working towards being debt free June 2022
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 1st Sep 19, 5:45 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    update
    hello everyone I thought I should update you all the lovely people who gave me great advice.

    we are still alone but coping fine. He comes to visit but I have resisted getting involved with him. He brought 2 of his children,not sure what he told them. I didn't say anything. They are still young and innocent so I doubt they thought much of it other than I was a work colleague. Some of his family ie sister,cousins also visit. We visited his family to show the baby.

    I still haven't contacted child support as he has been more than generous. He says if we make it official then his wife might see a bank statement and question it.

    I will be going back to work 2 days a week. I can afford to stay at home but honestly I'm bored. We have discussed what I will say to my colleagues in terms of who the father is. Thankfully we do not work at the same site although I will still see him. 2/3 people know but they are people who can be trusted.

    my family have been great, they still dont know the truth but are supportive. My mum wants me to find someone so I won't be alone. I wish it was that easy.
    baby is great,such a joy in our lives. I did mention to his sister and some friends that I wish I could have another so I can raise them at the same time,they all suggested that I have it with him so both the children have one father and same surname. He has also said he would be happy to have another one. I hope I will meet someone in future.

    thank you everyone
    • POPPYOSCAR
    • By POPPYOSCAR 1st Sep 19, 6:09 PM
    • 12,872 Posts
    • 28,581 Thanks
    POPPYOSCAR
    Fantasy Land is a wonderful place.
    • swingaloo
    • By swingaloo 1st Sep 19, 6:18 PM
    • 2,101 Posts
    • 3,813 Thanks
    swingaloo
    I did mention to his sister and some friends that I wish I could have another so I can raise them at the same time,they all suggested that I have it with him so both the children have one father and same surname. He has also said he would be happy to have another one. I hope I will meet someone in future.

    thank you everyone
    Originally posted by Mylife
    So his wife does not only have a rat for a husband she also has a sister in law who thinks it is acceptable for her brother to cheat on his wife again and again.

    But how thoughtful of you to want your children to have the same father.

    Ive been following the thread and had a bit of sympathy for your situation but that has just evaporated.
    • HampshireH
    • By HampshireH 1st Sep 19, 6:19 PM
    • 1,831 Posts
    • 2,381 Thanks
    HampshireH
    I did mention to his sister and some friends that I wish I could have another so I can raise them at the same time,they all suggested that I have it with him so both the children have one father and same surname. He has also said he would be happy to have another one. I hope I will meet someone in future.!
    So many people know. It's a dangerous place to be. It wont stay secret forever. Kids are innocents..He kids will speak.

    I don't think a 2nd with him would be a good idea at all. But i guess thats your call. Not sure why that would be seen as a good thing, planing to have a child with a married man is miles away from accidently falling pregnant. Its far more calculated.

    I have read this thread from the start and did feel for you but the recent post has confused me and made me feel really sorry for his extremely innocent and naive wife (unless I have missed something which to be fair wouldnt be the 1st time)
    • happyandcontented
    • By happyandcontented 1st Sep 19, 6:20 PM
    • 2,216 Posts
    • 4,787 Thanks
    happyandcontented
    I cannot help but wonder how his wife will feel when she discovers that all his family (even his children, no matter how young they are) have been seeing you and the baby behind her back and whilst she was in ignorance. Quite frankly, it is very distasteful.

    To even consider repeating the action, supposedly with the blessing of his family is even worse.
    • harrys nan
    • By harrys nan 1st Sep 19, 6:47 PM
    • 1,629 Posts
    • 3,236 Thanks
    harrys nan
    Oh dear, I think you have just lost all the good wishes people had for you. His poor wife and you want another baby with him??
    Let's hope one of these "trusted" people let the cat out of the bag.
    I really wanted you to be happy with the baby, but I'm not interested in your life anymore
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys
    And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better

    UPDATE,
    As of today 180919. my granddaughter is now my official granddaughter, adoption finally granted
    • gomer
    • By gomer 1st Sep 19, 7:06 PM
    • 597 Posts
    • 1,123 Thanks
    gomer
    Wonderful situation to bring a second child into.
    • vroombroom
    • By vroombroom 1st Sep 19, 7:18 PM
    • 1,057 Posts
    • 3,127 Thanks
    vroombroom
    Wow I had a small bit of sympathy for you until your last post. Now my heart breaks for his poor wife. Bad enough her husband has cheated but the fact there is a baby involved and some of his family know...and he's brought his other kids. Wow, just wow.

    I hope you have somewhere to hide if she ever finds out about you two.
    Our gorgeous baby boy born 2nd May 2011 - 12 days overdue!!
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 1st Sep 19, 7:24 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    I feel for his wife but what can I honestly do without looking spiteful and hurting the children. I could move away and stop him seeing the baby but everyone who gave advice said it would be wrong. Also I might not get a good job . I also don't know how long he will continue supporting us financially. Whilst I can afford I would also need to go back to work full time in that case

    to me it seems like there are issues in the marriage. I try not to ask too many questions. His family is lovely and say it's not up to them he is a grown up. I also think because he helps them financially they loathe to say anything. His sister and wife do not get on. I only agreed to visit the family as a one off as I did not want him to take the baby alone.



    I know it would be ideal to have children with the same person but I have learned my lesson and have no desire to.
    • Mylife
    • By Mylife 1st Sep 19, 7:36 PM
    • 59 Posts
    • 92 Thanks
    Mylife
    Harry's nan I'm so sorry,I am disappointed in myself as well. Not a day goes by I dont regret the situation. I feel overwhelmed and I go along with some things ie child support issue just for peace. Believe me I have thought of getting someone to tell the wife but then it's not just her who gets hurt. After birth I felt rejected and I thought of exposing him but what good would that do? I wish I could move away.
    • gomer
    • By gomer 1st Sep 19, 7:36 PM
    • 597 Posts
    • 1,123 Thanks
    gomer
    Keep away from him & his family. Go to the csa - he's going to have to pay anyway regardless.

    He clearly has no respect for his wife the way he is treating her, and you don't seem to have a great deal of respect for yourself.
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 1st Sep 19, 7:39 PM
    • 33,607 Posts
    • 67,450 Thanks
    seven-day-weekend
    I hope his wife knows what lying and cheating relatives she has, never mind her cheat of a husband! The poor woman.

    I think he should see (and support) the baby but not behind his wife's back.

    What on earth are you going to tell your daughter when she asks? 'Oh daddy can't come to see us too often because he has another family who know nothing about us? Who he lies to and cheats on? We are his dirty little secret'?

    You now have a little innocent life to think of, as well as your own selfish ones, but please spare a thought for that poor woman his wife.

    I think you should not see him while he is still married to his wife. Go through the CSA for the child and if he wants to see her he will have to make his own arrnagements.
    Last edited by seven-day-weekend; 01-09-2019 at 7:46 PM.
    Member #10 of 2 savers club
    Imagine someone holding forth on biology whose only knowledge of the subject is the Book of British Birds, and you have a rough idea of what it feels like to read Richard Dawkins on theology: Terry Eagleton
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