This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

Karmacat · 9 May 2018 at 2:37PM

I guess he can't work towards a goal yet, when he's still going through crisis

it must be awful to live with, Watty, very upsetting, and very tiring. It's good that he's realised he needs to be apologising to you.

About moving out ... would you have done it if a friend hadn't offered a space? Don't do it just because its there, do it because you want to do it, if you actually do. I suppose I'm saying step back and have a think, and know *why* you're making any particular move.

Thinking of you xx

gallygirl · 9 May 2018 at 6:11PM

Karmacat wrote: »

About moving out ... would you have done it if a friend hadn't offered a space? Don't do it just because its there, do it because you want to do it, if you actually do. I suppose I'm saying step back and have a think, and know *why* you're making any particular move.

Wise words from KC Watty :T.

Another dodgy hug, plus some chocolate :grouphug::EasterBun

Watty1 · 10 May 2018 at 10:52AM

Wise words KC. I think the temptation is that the place would be so ideal. I can take the horses and live on site with them. And it is affordable. And it is available now.

I don't actually want to do it. And I realised this morning that part of why I want to go is that I can't take the 'other woman' contact much more. And Mr Watty is not going to stop that. But - I also realisd that it should be me that makes the decision to go not feel forced into it by another woman.

Karmacat · 10 May 2018 at 2:34PM

Absolutely, don't let yourself be forced into something - and yes, basing your decision to stay or go based on the actions of someone you dislike/ distrust/ don't live with/ don't want in your life, that's not going to build anything positive.

I know this might sound nit-picking, but when you first described the place your friend is offering you, you describing it as "not that nice". It's perfect in terms of access to the horses, maybe, which is huge, but living in a place that's not that nice might feel bad in itself.

I've had a thought about this woman's continual contact - the question I wanted to ask you was how you could block her from your life, but you're very clear that the contact is through telephones etc. Can you block her numbers from the house phone? If she wants to contact Mr Watty, she can contact his mobile? He'd have to make an effort, I suppose, and whether or not he makes that effort may also tell you something, though I'm not sure what, right now.

Or don't you want her to be out of your sight, so to speak? There can be a "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer" sort of thing.

I don't know, sorry

I know that even if you decide to stay for now, you have options of some sort. None of the options feel good though

Firegirl · 12 May 2018 at 9:10AM

Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time. No words can make a difference but my advise would be just focus on getting yourself through each day. Give yourself a small focus like at 12 I’ll have a cup of tea even. Ride the storm and see what happens.

Watty1 · 15 May 2018 at 9:51AM

Hanging in there. Trying to do one day at a time. The other woman and Mr Watty use his mobile and his work phone number to communicate. As far as I can see it is daily. He told me Saturday his intention was to reduce the contact.
I told him my intention was to be a world chess champion but unless i learn to play that is not going to happen. That to have an intention with no action is pointless. He didn't get that and we had a circular argument. I know it is time to stop discussing it. If he wants to reduce the contact he will. He says it is his intention to so do. He is either lying or he is not. I have no idea.

That was Saturday. Its Tuesday today and I am fairly certain that they will have another of their hour chats today because it is one of his days of long train journeys and he always spends at least an hour of those on the the phone to her.

On the positives I have found a life coach for me and had the first session. Next one next Saturday. That one requires me to travel into London so I suggested we went together as he is working, and then realised that would eat into his train chat time. Well he can figure that out.. We won't be travelling home together.

FloppyDisk · 15 May 2018 at 10:09AM

One day at a time sounds like a very good approach. I can't quite believe how brazen Mr Watty is behaving, I'm not sure I would be quite so tolerant and patient with his 'crisis'! I think you have incredible strength, the same strength that has kept you plodding along with your mortgage all this time and holding everything together. You are allowed to take a break from that, you know... drop a few balls and throw them at him if you feel like it

Karmacat · 15 May 2018 at 10:58AM

FloppyDisk has a good point, Watty! And so do you about "intentions", several in fact. You can't control what he does with those intentions, or even whether he's being truthful. What a nightmare situation.

OTOH, I *love* the idea of a life coach. It's just right - you need space for you, but not necessarily a counsellor, because this issue didn't *start* with you. And coaches in particular help you find the right steps to take, which counsellors don't really do quite so actively. As for the travel time eating into his chat time ... ha! is all I can think of to say to that!

Thinking of you.

Watty1 · 15 May 2018 at 2:33PM

Yes I went to a counsellor and really I just found it was winding me up and setting me off. The life coach however is I think more promising. Have done the initial work and had first session which left me feeling very fragile whilst we got to heart of issues. But she promises it gets better now moving forwards as we put a plan in place.
I think I am tolerant because I have been making excuses for his behaviour. Gradually with encouragement from coach and lovely 'part brother' that is changing. I can see the Mr Watty is in crisis, and is deeply traumatised and the PTSD diagnosis does make sense and I have been making allowances, but, gradually I think I am working towards a point where in return I will expect reasonable behaviour.

greent · 16 May 2018 at 8:39AM

Glad to hear that you have something useful for You xx

This Time I'm Really Going To Do It

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