40 year old male mid life crisis?

Do you actually want to be with your wife or not? Everything else is just a distraction.

As others have said, I've not seen the initial post so can only gather from the responses what is missing.

I'm wanting to answer from a wife who is going through something similar, to give you the other side and maybe you can consider your wife's feelings instead of your own.

I've been married almost as long as you have, we also have a child. I'm guessing from the way you write and the age differences that you are not my husband, at least I would surely hope not given your responses.

At the end of September my husband decided to inform me he had booked a holiday for himself and would be going away within the week, because "it would be worse if he doesn't". I was thrown, I didn't understand. I knew there was something not right because he was being strange with his phone for weeks, I just didn't dare push the subject too much. He said he wasn't happy with us and the reasons were all down to me. He mentioned he wanted "that spark", which made alarm bells ring, but I was definitely the problem.

For 6 weeks I tried to fix myself, tearing myself apart, crying my heart out on the floor to try and work out the issue. He let me do that, even hugged me at times. Saw how broken I was, noticed my weight loss because I wasn't eating, I also wasn't sleeping. I questioned him what had I ever done that was so wrong, was I such a bad wife? I wanted the answer so I could fix whatever was wrong with me that made my husband want to leave me. I repeatedly asked was there another woman? The answer was always the same, "no". I believed this because I know my husband, he wouldn't do that to me. I asked him a lot. I told him I wasn't sure I believed him when he said no. He would tell me he "needed to think" so would go out alone instead of wanting to talk things through with me and work everything out. He refused counselling. He spends a lot of time on the internet, talking to people. I questioned him on this and he said things like "you don't need to worry about the people I talk to on the internet, you need to worry about the people I work with". This made no sense, and he backtracked the next day on saying this, it "wasn't what he meant".

It turns out I may have thought I know my husband, but I do not. The answer came after those 6 weeks when I went onto his social media while he was away with work. In 48 hours I got 30 minutes sleep, I was broken, I was a mess, I felt dead inside. I felt suicidal. Not only was the holiday a "romantic trip" to meet a woman he's never met before in a foreign country, but there was also a second woman at work. Neither knew/know about the other.
He and the work woman had a day out together, before I even knew there was an issue with our marriage. He even showed me photos from that day and didn't once hint that he had taken another woman out secretly. He has even showed me facebook videos she had posted, I still wonder why he would do that. Nothing physical had happened, he says. Although I will never really know. She's a happy person, it makes him feel happy to be around her. I've been suffering with depression and anxiety all year due to many reasons, so that's a real kick in the teeth.

I saw from his messages that those times he told me he "needed to think" alone, that he was asking this woman to meet up. He was sending photos of his walks to both women. Telling the work woman she should come to the town he is in when he works away.
He came home not knowing that I knew. I asked him, yet again, and he gave no answers. I had to tell him that I knew, then what it was I knew because he was too cowardly to speak any of it himself. I was so angry, I've never been so angry in my life. I've never said a bad word to or about my husband until that night.

A while after, when things calmed down we took a weekend away to try to reconnect and sort it out. We had a lovely time, he took a phone/social media break and said his head was less messy and we agreed to try again. There were some genuine moments of happiness that weekend. We decided to try and give things another go.
4 days after we came back, he came home from work and said he had messaged the foreign woman today because "it made him happy" and "he wanted to!" I can't say here what I thought and what I said, as I'm sure it would be censored. I told him to leave. He decided then that he now wanted to try! Probably surprisingly to anyone reading this, we are still together, but it's not easy. I have always had trust issues due to my parents both having affairs, and although I have never not trusted my husband, I've never fully trusted either.

The thing is, even though we are together, there's problems. I'm now suspicious of everything he does. Is he telling me the truth? He has only ever lied to me once that I knew of, before this and it was over something stupid. I would look him in the eye, I thought this would mean he wouldn't lie to me, not directly looking me in the eye. Now I can't even see him online without thinking who is he talking to because he's not messaging me. I also don't feel like the same woman I used to be. I feel angry, my god do I feel angry. I don't feel he understands why, but surely he can't not? I feel broken, my heart is broken, my head is a mess, I've considered suicide more times than I've told anyone. I'm sad. I don't know why he would throw away what we have, for a fantasy. Hurt me, and hurt our child because he seeks happiness, what about our happiness?

Apart from a couple of family members, I've not told anyone all of this, because I'm embarrassed. I don't want to be seen as a failure. I am trying to keep my marriage together because I love the person my husband was, can he be that person again? I don't want to break my child's heart, and that is the hardest thing to get my head around. I need to know that I have given this everything I have so I can look my child in the eyes and say " I tried my very very best".

My husband has hurt me so very much. He has played with my emotions, with my heart. I can also, ridiculous as it may sound, sympathise with the other women because he has played with their emotions too. I don't know if we can move past this, I hope we can, but I need to see more change than he has done so far. I'm not as closed off to being a lone parent than I was previously. I know that should anything else happen, I will walk away knowing that I have done everything I could here and that I am in no way the bad guy. I'm sorry this is longer than intended, I've considered deleting it all but I feel I want to share it because it's hard keeping it all inside and not talking to anyone about it as I've shut myself off from everyone.

In regards to your situation, I think you're an absolutely awful person to treat your wife in such a way. "The grass is greener where you water it". Do you love your wife? Have you ever loved her? Do you love your child? How do you think this will make your child feel if you are to separate? What will you tell your child? How will you sit them down and tell them that you are leaving your family for another woman, because this is not for your wife to do. If anyone is to break that child's heart it is squarely with you. I will tell you what I told my husband. You will regret this, if you stay or if you go. If you stay you will regret doing this to your wife. If you go you will regret leaving your wife and also for doing this to her. You can't keep your options open. Your wife deserves more than that. You either give your marriage a chance, which is what you chose when you married her! Or you walk away and let her have a chance of happiness with someone who could truly love her. You cannot have your cake and eat it. Stop fooling around, stop contacting the other woman and step up! You should be grovelling at your wife's feet for what you are putting her through. I feel for your wife and I feel sad for you that you would give up your family for a bit of skirt.

You are very strong Corell to try and make it work.

I saw a film the other night and the actress turned round to the actor playing her husband and said 'i haven't trusted you in the five years since you cheated on me', it isn't something which can quickly be repaired and takes a lot of effort on your husband's behalf to try and earn your trust, one day.

I tried to make mine work and stayed with him for over a year, even whilst living apart, however it was only me making the effort whilst he was crying over the other who was half my age.

16 months after I told him to leave, I started my life over as there was no marriage. Over 2 decades of my life were with him.

I'm now divorced and so much happier, so I guess I should thank him for his actions