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  • FIRST POST
    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 22nd Oct 19, 5:44 PM
    • 213Posts
    • 95Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my ex-girlfriend come on the holiday we planned together?
    • #1
    • 22nd Oct 19, 5:44 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: Should my ex-girlfriend come on the holiday we planned together? 22nd Oct 19 at 5:44 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    I paid for a Disney holiday for me, my kids, my girlfriend and her kids - we booked back in January and planned to go away just before Christmas. Now she's split up with me - do I have to let her come on the holiday or should she pay me back? We were together (happily) over two years, and were all looking forward to it.

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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Page 2
    • onwards&upwards
    • By onwards&upwards 23rd Oct 19, 10:35 AM
    • 1,330 Posts
    • 2,638 Thanks
    onwards&upwards
    When did someone else's children have rights to the OP's money.
    If the girlfriend is prepared to reimburse you, then yes, give her the tickets, otherwise she can buzz off.
    Originally posted by Socajam

    Heís already bought them the holiday.

    You donít buy a present for a kid and then snatch it back because you fell out with their parent.
    • db2016
    • By db2016 23rd Oct 19, 1:47 PM
    • 168 Posts
    • 408 Thanks
    db2016
    if you paid, its your call.

    personally i'd like to think even when were together she contributed to the costs - eg paying some much off together as you do before the hols.

    if it were me, i'd not wanna go with an ex, i also don't have any exes around aftet that. i'd want the cost covered by her.

    it's a demotion imo, and can get messy. so best off to not keep em around in any capacity if can help it - IMO.
    • NBLondon
    • By NBLondon 23rd Oct 19, 1:48 PM
    • 3,080 Posts
    • 15,722 Thanks
    NBLondon
    It's probably fictitious/hypothetical but what if it was a surprise and none of the kids know yet?
    "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered."
    • rumblestiltskin
    • By rumblestiltskin 23rd Oct 19, 2:11 PM
    • 5 Posts
    • 0 Thanks
    rumblestiltskin
    rumbles
    ah yes, but better be quick because as I understand it, this act will be automatically repealed by the Brexit Act if and when it gets the royal rubber stamp.
    • chrismale
    • By chrismale 23rd Oct 19, 3:50 PM
    • 29 Posts
    • 19 Thanks
    chrismale
    3 options
    It says quite clearly that HE paid for the whole trip.

    1. He won't be able to sell or reassign the tickets as they will be non refundable. So if she does not come this money will be wasted.

    2. He can let her come anyway with a clear understanding of the rules of engagement.

    3. If she still wants to come he can ask her if she is prepared (or able) to pay her share.

    I can't imagine she would pay him NOT to go on the trip with him.
    • pickledonionspaceraider
    • By pickledonionspaceraider 23rd Oct 19, 4:24 PM
    • 1,582 Posts
    • 3,901 Thanks
    pickledonionspaceraider
    No, you go with your kids and forget about it - you don't owe anyone anything, nor should feel guilty

    at the end of the day, you got dumped, it wasn't your choice, none of this was your choice, so let her jog on
    • crmism
    • By crmism 23rd Oct 19, 5:01 PM
    • 177 Posts
    • 93 Thanks
    crmism
    Holiday
    I'm surprised that anyone should want to canvas total strangers on such a deeply personal matter, as a decision such as this has to be yours alone.

    Even so, it doesn't sound like you had a deep, meaningful relationship; more a brief encounter, but as you've already paid in advance for the holiday why don't you use it as an opportunity to rekindle your feelings and see where they lead to?

    Doubtless, your kids and hers get along with each other, and her kids probably like you too and maybe even still look upon you as a father-figure. Perhaps you could learn a lesson from them and show some generosity and give them an experience they're unlikely to forget.
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 23rd Oct 19, 5:27 PM
    • 23,868 Posts
    • 64,249 Thanks
    Pollycat
    I'm surprised that anyone should want to canvas total strangers on such a deeply personal matter, as a decision such as this has to be yours alone.
    Originally posted by crmism
    I'm always surprised that anyone would want to canvas total strangers on any of these Money Moral 'Dilemmas'.

    Even so, it doesn't sound like you had a deep, meaningful relationship; more a brief encounter, but as you've already paid in advance for the holiday why don't you use it as an opportunity to rekindle your feelings and see where they lead to?
    Originally posted by crmism
    A brief encounter?
    Lasting 2 years?
    I paid for a Disney holiday for me, my kids, my girlfriend and her kids - we booked back in January and planned to go away just before Christmas. Now she's split up with me - do I have to let her come on the holiday or should she pay me back? We were together (happily) over two years, and were all looking forward to it.
    Originally posted by MSE Sarah
    • jimmyjammy001
    • By jimmyjammy001 24th Oct 19, 8:32 AM
    • 25 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    jimmyjammy001
    Depends if she has paid or not, getting a free holiday is not on imo, kids or no kids, that money could have of been spent on your own kids
    • lindens
    • By lindens 24th Oct 19, 8:39 AM
    • 2,543 Posts
    • 7,273 Thanks
    lindens
    Bit harsh to take a Disney holiday away from kids who are looking forward to it.

    Be grown ups for them I say, try to find a way to make it work, you donít actually have to spend time together, maybe she can pay a bit extra to change hotel rooms if needed?
    Originally posted by onwards&upwards
    This scenario happened to a friend and this is what they did.
    grit your teeth and think of the kids. it's only a few days
    You're not your * could have not of * Debt not dept *
    • Patjan
    • By Patjan 24th Oct 19, 10:35 AM
    • 32 Posts
    • 52 Thanks
    Patjan
    Go, if.....
    It depends how acrimonious your split was. If you parted on reasonable terms and, e.g. no others were the cause, then assess if a "no physical contact" holiday is viable. Talk it over maturely with her, and go for it if appropriate, for the sake of the kids. If she is financially stable, you could mention some kind of contribution, given that apparently she was the one who walked. Otherwise check on your travel insurance to see if that covers your situation.
    • JayD
    • By JayD 24th Oct 19, 10:50 AM
    • 550 Posts
    • 339 Thanks
    JayD
    First - the dilemma clearly states 'I paid ...' so any references above to 'if she paid' are irrelevant.


    So you paid and that money is spent and gone. I see no point in chasing her for 'her' half, regardless. As you are likely to be in a hotel, I am guessing you were going to stay in hotel rooms. That said, I can see no problem in her being in a room with her children and you in a room with yours. However, although it may seem reasonable to suggest she and her children can then go off and do their own thing, it may be that the children all get on together very well and would want to share the experience with each other.


    So, I think you should all go and if the children are friends with each other, you both should tolerate being together when in Disneyland and apart in the evenings when the children are in bed. BUT if the children are not in friendly relations with each other, then go off and do your own thing in your own family groups.


    Short answer would be:
    If she wants to, then she should still go with her children and you suck up the cost you have already laid out (but nothing more).

    If she doesn't want to go then you should do your best to either cancel for refunds, or explore the possibility of selling off her tickets.
    Either way, I don't think she should be asked to pay - despite the relationship breakdown.
    • callum9999
    • By callum9999 27th Oct 19, 4:02 AM
    • 3,951 Posts
    • 2,408 Thanks
    callum9999
    If the kids are actually going to be deprived because they can't go to Disneyland then they're spoilt brats.

    I had a single holiday growing up (a camping holiday with one tent for the whole family...). While I would have loved a fancy theme park break, it taught me that you can't always get what you want, I should be grateful for what I get and that millions of other children have a much harder life. Even within the UK there are lots of children who don't get a hot dinner everyday - if this is your idea of deprivation then you need a reality check!
    Last edited by callum9999; 27-10-2019 at 4:08 AM.
    • Zero Sum
    • By Zero Sum 27th Oct 19, 9:44 AM
    • 1,372 Posts
    • 1,077 Thanks
    Zero Sum
    Who's to say she actually wants to go
    • Zero Sum
    • By Zero Sum 27th Oct 19, 9:47 AM
    • 1,372 Posts
    • 1,077 Thanks
    Zero Sum
    It says quite clearly that HE paid for the whole trip.

    1. He won't be able to sell or reassign the tickets as they will be non refundable. So if she does not come this money will be wasted.

    2. He can let her come anyway with a clear understanding of the rules of engagement.

    3. If she still wants to come he can ask her if she is prepared (or able) to pay her share.

    I can't imagine she would pay him NOT to go on the trip with him.
    Originally posted by chrismale

    You can reassign them. Normally there'll be a £30 fee to change the name on booking of flight & hotel. Ive done it myself.
    • primrose penguin
    • By primrose penguin 28th Oct 19, 9:39 PM
    • 10 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    primrose penguin
    From your post it sounds as if you have paid for everyone. I think it could be quite awkward and uncomfortable for all of you if you go together, and if she split up with you I doubt she would want to go anyway. Have you a good friend with children who could go with you instead, and maybe contribute towards the cost? I am sure you can change your booking, even if you have to pay a small amount to do so, otherwise take your own children and have a great time.
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