mum coming to live with me - sharing bills?

Hi, I live alone (widow) about 50 miles / 1 hour drive from my mum.
'When the time comes' (her words) she says she would like to come and live with me as long as possible to avoid a care home. I have some room but she is thinking I could extend to build a bathroom/ kitchen downstairs for her. She said she would pay someone to 'granny sit' and for a carer when necessary so I can still go out. She can afford this.

I'm thinking ahead and have a few questions please

If she sold her house could she just pay for the building? What implications are there? For her? For me? I own my house outright.
She would want to pay me 'keep' - I've no idea how much. What would be right? I was thinking it will only be extra food and heat - other bills I pay anyway
Am I best to go through an agency to employ a carer? How do I find one?
Do I need to change insurance or do anything else.
I'm sure there are other questions I haven't even thought about

Thank you
Love living in a village in the country side
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Comments

  • LilElvis
    LilElvis Posts: 5,835
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    Why doesn't she just buy a warden-assisted flat near to you and pay for care she needs? That way you both keep your independence.

    She says "when the time comes", but when it does would there be enough time to get planning permission and the building completed?

    What happens if she deteriorates to such a degree that residential care is the best option?

    Is your mother living with you something that you want?
  • PasturesNew
    PasturesNew Posts: 70,698
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    Once they start to fail, they work around it, until a crisis happens. Once a crisis happens things move fast. Suddenly you've got somebody who doesn't have 1-2 minor issues, but a raft of complex issues. You'd need to get that extension built and have her moved in soonest, to be honest. Before there's a crisis.

    But then you've got your mother kicking around the place, making you feel guilty as you're trying to do stuff/go out etc and (shock, horror) not including her in your plans.

    Overall, it's not going to be easy whichever route you choose.

    You need to do the build now, then have it kicking around for X years until she suddenly needs it - without a clue why she'd need it. She might be mobile, might not be. She might have dementia, or all her marbles. So your design plans might not fit what's wrong with her when she turns up on your doorstep.

    This needs a lot more thought ..... "when the time comes" could be next week, or not for 15 years. And you have to sit there with everything up in the air until the day you're tied to your mother and the house.

    I don't want to be mean, but you stand the chance of "losing you".
  • in_my_wellies
    in_my_wellies Posts: 1,643
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    I just knew there would be more questions than I had thought of. Thank you for the answers - they gave me a lot to think about.

    Yesterday was the first time she has talked about the subject and I do need to think everything through. I understand it's an unknown time scale.

    She looks after her blind sister and wont leave her so she wouldn't move until she can't do that and as you say it might be too late then. They are good for each other and hopefully will cope a while, but, as you say it's just one crisis away from falling apart. They are 84, not twins but close. Sister is the brain/organiser, mother is the eyes/driver.

    My daughter has just suggested how I could extend the downstairs loo into the dining room to make a shower room and mum use the dining room as her bed/sitting room. The room would still be 13' x 16' and no steps. That would be quick and plumbing is in and is a clever idea.

    But as you say I can't know when or what she will need. Sister said at Christmas she would be OK on her own but can't be responsible for mum but the difficulty will be getting mum to understand she can't 'look after' sister. This is why I was so pleased yesterday when she brought up the subject of coming to live with me - she is perhaps starting to understand her limits.

    Thank you for your comments, I'll keep thinking
    Love living in a village in the country side
  • elsien
    elsien Posts: 32,522
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    You've talked about what your mum wants, but what about what you want?
    I love my mother but I couldn't live with her now as she drives me up the wall, let alone when she's ill, confused, and continuously either popping in or banging on the wall for company because the carer won't be back for another 3 hours.
    Do you know how much carers cost per hour? If she has mobility problems she might need two carers to work together. If she's got the money then that's fine, but just consider all of the implications for you as well as for her.
    All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.

    Pedant alert - it's could have, not could of.
  • I toyed with the idea of looking after a relative, but soon realised that I would be unable to give the level of care they needed. For one the lifting and handling would have been a no go especially with needing toileting/bathing etc.


    Also what usually happens is that they sleep when you are awake and are awake when you want to sleep which causes added problems as they deteriorate


    I really take my hat off to the many carers who are able to do all this.
  • jackyann
    jackyann Posts: 3,433 Forumite
    There are loads of issues here, and it is good that you are thinking about them in advance.

    1. Building an extension can be time-consuming (see "In My Home" board). It may increase the value of your house (but not usually by the amount it costs!) and it may be useful in the future for you.
    Either way, you need to begin the process well before "the time comes".

    2. What is the deal on funding it? Will mum fund it on condition that you care for her? What then happens if "the time comes" very suddenly, or she becomes so ill that home caring is not an option? How will this affect other beneficiaries?

    3. What level of care does she expect from you in return for this funding? A high level of personal care, all meals prepared - feeding her, toileting her etc.etc? Or maybe she only expects companionship and an eye kept on her, and expects to fund personal care herself.

    4. In either of these cases, what happens if you are too ill to fulfil expectations?

    These are not insurmountable problems, but they do need talking through. I have known a great deal of family distress arising from different expectations of "care".

    And when you do get there, head for the agencies - employing someone yourself is a minefield! Of course, the occasional neighbourly companion for a couple of hours doesn't count, but anything regular and responsible needs doing by people who have training & back up.

    It seems that you hav plenty of time to talk this through. good luck.
  • Robin9
    Robin9 Posts: 12,056
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    At least your mother is considering her future – my 95 yo MIL has her head stuck in the sand. She is adamant that she wants to stay in her own home of nearly 50 years. Trying to encourage to look to the future meets with deaf ears.

    She lives alone, is frail, poor heart, poor eyesight and relies heavily on neighbours, has (most of) her marbles but mixes up her memories. She had a fall but refused to go to hospital – “people die in hospital at the weekends”.

    The probable end will be a fall and not be found before its too late. That would be a very sad end to a life.

    One consequence of this is that it has made me – nearly 70 – consider my and my wife’s own futures.
    Never pay on an estimated bill
  • Robin9 wrote: »

    The probable end will be a fall and not be found before its too late. That would be a very sad end to a life.. .

    True, but it is her own choice.

    I had this issue with my 88-year old father. At that stage I was spending approx 1 week in 3 with him, to attend appointments, do a Big Shop, provide outings and company. He was then fine on his own for 2 weeks, cooking simple meals, reordering meds, getting to local shops. I phoned every morning.

    I wanted him to have an alarm system, but he refused to let TWO local neighbours be key-holders. (One trusted neighbour was OK, but the system needed two). He'd had a very mild stroke 10 years before. I spelled out to him that if he fell/had a stroke at 11 a.m. , no one would realise and he'd be on the floor, possibly in pain, until I phoned the following morning. He was very matter of fact: 'Well, I'll probably die then'. That wasn't a problem for him. What would have been a daily anxiety for him (after being emotionally damaged by Nazi occupation 60 years before) was the idea that someone he didn't know too well had a key. His choice, and I had to accept that.

    Does MiL have a panic alarm?
  • Robin9
    Robin9 Posts: 12,056
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    Yes she has a pendant alarm and used it to summon help - she has very good neighbours on the contact list.

    It's hard seeing someone go downhill knowing there is assistance which she won't have.
    Never pay on an estimated bill
  • in_my_wellies
    in_my_wellies Posts: 1,643
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    Thank you for all the points and suggestions. Lots of thinking to do.
    Love living in a village in the country side
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