Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

White_musk · 31 March 2018 at 4:41PM

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I get what your saying but cleaning etc just isn't going to happen and hasn't for some time. My energy is limited at the best of time and my bed hasn't been slept in since I lost him.

Have managed to have some soup and bread though. He did all the cooking, hoovering etc so I'm totally lost.

That's fine too. There is no rush to do anything, I'm just offering up ideas that helped me, but we are all individual and unique and have to tread this awful path in the best way we can.

I'm glad you've had something to eat, keeping your energy up is so, so important right now. I know you said you don't have any, but you need nourishment to do just the basics of life.

I promise it will get easier, you're in such an early stage believing that will be impossible, but day by day it gets a tiny bit more manageable. I'm four and a bit years widowed now and I still have dark days, as you've seen here. In the main I can cope better and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. My grandmother was a widow for 50 years, never had another man and she still had dark days even though she made a wonderful life for herself. Hugs.

Torry_Quine · 31 March 2018 at 4:50PM

Tabbytabitha wrote: »

It's Easter Sunday tomorrow - I find the idea of resurrection a great help - I hope you will.:)

I find Easter difficult since my mother died on good Friday 24 years ago and it was April 1st. No doubt ill cry at church if I go.

Torry_Quine · 31 March 2018 at 4:52PM

White_musk wrote: »

That's fine too. There is no rush to do anything, I'm just offering up ideas that helped me, but we are all individual and unique and have to tread this awful path in the best way we can.

I'm glad you've had something to eat, keeping your energy up is so, so important right now. I know you said you don't have any, but you need nourishment to do just the basics of life.

I promise it will get easier, you're in such an early stage believing that will be impossible, but day by day it gets a tiny bit more manageable. I'm three and a bit years widowed now and I still have dark days, as you've seen here. In the main I can cope better and can see a light at the end of the tunnel. My grandmother was a widow for 50 years, never had another man and she still had dark days even though she made a wonderful life for herself. Hugs.

You're right, it feels impossible that things will get better and also wrong without him.

White_musk · 31 March 2018 at 5:09PM

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You're right, it feels impossible that things will get better and also wrong without him.

I know - but it isn't wrong, we have to go on. My DH died suddenly, that year our daughter had her wedding already planned and booked and our youngest was off to Uni. Within one year I found myself a widow and alone, I also moved house. That year was one of the hardest years of my life. My life was thrown into complete chaos.

I let myself go badly, due to my circumstances and living in a house I hated I suffered debilitating depression. Around May last year I decided I needed to change things and I have. It hasn't always been easy, times where I needed him so much it physically hurt (exactly the same as when he first died, you know that crushing pain in your chest?)

Now, well, I can see me joining groups like U3A I can see me getting out into the world again and doing things I like to do. I can see me finishing all the updating this house needs, I can see me living again and so will you - in time. Hugs

lessonlearned · 31 March 2018 at 5:28PM

Hello Torry. Sorry to hear things are so bad for you. White Musk has said it all really, so just sending you hugs.

[Deleted User] · 31 March 2018 at 8:03PM

white musk, you are a wise person and speak from experience. Hang in there torry, this bleak weather and this quiet time will be over soon and spring will start to bring you some peace

I have been looking at a house with a fine tooth comb, the info is out there on any house. Immaculate with almost everything I want but I see that the house next door has planning permission to build a 2 storey house in their garden and one of the letters of objection is all about the great parking difficulties due to houses without drives and the local primary school parkers. So heyho, I`ll look but will cancel my wish to view when the estate agent rings. I think deep down, I am scared to view anything, that means commitment and a great big decision by myself. Children and friends are helpful but at the end of the day, like white musk said, it is my decision

Torry_Quine · 31 March 2018 at 8:26PM

If only it was the weather and time of year. I've always had to rely on my husband to take me out so now I'm very restricted even if I wanted to go out and do anything. I wish I could sleep and wake up when everything is back to normal.

[Deleted User] · 1 April 2018 at 7:19AM

I had a tossing turning night last night, full moon didn`t help even with blackout curtains, it is the energy, it always affects me. However it gave me thinking time re my new home and I now have backup plans firmly in place.

One of my chosen areas, the furthest from my allotment, has two important developments under construction `soon`, this is an upmarket place and both builders are very good. One small development is for over 55, 15 houses and the other is mixed, 30 houses. I did a lot of research last night, finding their homes for sale elsewhere and I love the layouts. Everyone said` don`t get a new build` but this house was a new build and the last house and both are super good properties. All I would need to organise would be floorings

So there would be no maintenance worries and I would be sure to get an attached/integral garage to continue my carving and for excess storage. I am more than happy to get the same size house as now, the bedrooms fill when grandchildren and family stay. This does not mean a definite but it is the solid backup I need, in case nothing suitable, closer, turns up. I have registered my interest in one and will do so in the other. Both are walking distance from the small shops

So the garden will be small but very big, unruly gardens are now scarey. See how this house hunting takes my mind of me, it is a good thing, a good distraction

poppy811 · 1 April 2018 at 12:42PM

Torry, just to let you know I am thinking of you. Is it worth considering some counselling from a specialist bereavement organisation such as Cruse? You don't have to of course, just that it seems to help a lot of people and in my area they will come to your house if you cannot face going to them. There is usually quite a wait so it might be worth registering even if you decide later not to proceed.

I went to Church today, not far only 2 doors up from my cottage and my husband is buried there. The Church looked lovely and it was a peaceful time.

Roast Lamb dinner at youngest son's this afternoon so lots of fun with his 2 little ones.

Hope everyone is OK, these "special days" are very difficult to manage.

White_musk · 1 April 2018 at 3:28PM

Kittie, thank you for your kind words, I know that not one single one of us wants to have this experience but the one blessing (I hope) is that we can help others who follow us.

Lovely lunch with DD and DGD today. It was lovely to see her and play with her. Ironically it has totally wiped me out, I'm absolutely shattered. I could easily fall asleep but won't as I won't sleep tonight.

Well, no snow here thankfully, I think maybe the forecasters got it wrong as no one seems to have any. It is still very chilly though. I like my central heating off in April but here I am with it still on. I know it's only the first but even so - lol.

Hope today is better than yesterday.

Hugs.

Self help thread. I am a widow coping getting on with it

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