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  • FIRST POST
    • DestinyGamer
    • By DestinyGamer 9th Jan 19, 7:30 PM
    • 49Posts
    • 551Thanks
    DestinyGamer
    Unemployment seems to entitle people to your life!
    • #1
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:30 PM
    Unemployment seems to entitle people to your life! 9th Jan 19 at 7:30 PM
    What is it about being unemployed that people, especially family, think they can impose their ideas of what you should be doing with your life on you?

    Iíve got a huffy BF who thinks Iím just sitting about at home living off his money for the hell of it. A mum whoís on another planet and thinks I should re-train as a teacher of all things, like it easy. A sister who insists I should apply to work in her field of work despite never having done a day in my life.

    At this point in my life Iím too broke to re-train and too old to do an apprenticeship,yet apparently over-qualified for basic min wage jobs, while not getting interviews for the levels I am trained at. Having everyone else push their opinions on me is not helping my mental wellbeing. I know they mean well but they donít realise how belittling it is and how pathetic I feel not being able to secure employment. I actually feel pretty useless not being able to pay my own way, like my independence has been stripped away and left me stark naked in plain view of everyone. I had to come off social media becuase everyone asking if I had a job yet was really getting to me.
    Total debt 12/18 £9365.74 | Now: £9337.65
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Page 1
    • Rosemary7391
    • By Rosemary7391 9th Jan 19, 7:41 PM
    • 2,727 Posts
    • 4,725 Thanks
    Rosemary7391
    • #2
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:41 PM
    • #2
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:41 PM
    Sympathies. It is irritating!


    I'd suggest having a frank conversation with your BF around expectations - you want to be on the same page regarding what's helpful as well as the state of your shared finances.



    Others you might be best to try and deflect tbh. They care but they don't realise they caring in an unhelpful way. It's rare that telling them so will be helpful though.
    Slinkies 2018 Challenge - 0/80lb lost
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 9th Jan 19, 7:46 PM
    • 2,030 Posts
    • 7,816 Thanks
    BrassicWoman
    • #3
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:46 PM
    • #3
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:46 PM
    you know apprenticeships are for all ages now? we have a 48 year old apprentice..


    which in no way changes people being insensitive planks. Just realised I was doing it too there!
    Jan 18 grocery challenge £105.13/ £150
    • amcg100
    • By amcg100 9th Jan 19, 7:57 PM
    • 265 Posts
    • 277 Thanks
    amcg100
    • #4
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:57 PM
    • #4
    • 9th Jan 19, 7:57 PM
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Being over qualified is a real problem, it basically excludes you from employment and is discrimination.
    If a man does not keep pace with his companions, then perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music he hears, however measured or far away. thoreau
    • Les79
    • By Les79 9th Jan 19, 8:02 PM
    • 1,071 Posts
    • 1,235 Thanks
    Les79
    • #5
    • 9th Jan 19, 8:02 PM
    • #5
    • 9th Jan 19, 8:02 PM
    What is it about being unemployed that people, especially family, think they can impose their ideas of what you should be doing with your life on you?
    Originally posted by DestinyGamer

    I suspect that they are merely trying to help you out of love.

    I’ve got a huffy BF who thinks I’m just sitting about at home living off his money for the hell of it.
    That's an amber flag right there... Clearly an issue for your BF and it probably does need talking about to be fair. Even if that simply involves reassuring him that you won't be scrounging and that, for example, the items you sold on ebay recently for £52 could potentially go towards supporting the UNIT (you and him) if push came to shove (or if the shoe was on the other foot).


    You seem to be fairly active on the "Boost your income" forum which is good! You sound like you enter a lot of comps/sell lots of stuff and make money. But what is the end goal? You making a decent living? You looking to scale it up? You selling your personal possessions which will eventually run out?


    You sound like you have a lot of energy and motivation to be completely honest! But I'm a bit skeptical as to whether it is being channeled effectively...


    A mum who’s on another planet and thinks I should re-train as a teacher of all things, like it easy.
    Certainly isn't easy. I did it and it was hell. But I did it


    In truth, the government is throwing silly money at trainee teachers right now! It is fairly lucrative despite being hard + depressing.


    A sister who insists I should apply to work in her field of work despite never having done a day in my life.
    Meh, when I first started in McDonalds all those years ago I had never "done a day in my life" in there, or anywhere like it.



    At this point in my life I’m too broke to re-train
    Teacher training is probably possible.


    There are also other options which may be available if you have a good, hard look.


    and too old to do an apprenticeship,
    There is a bit of an ageism element in that, but it potentially isn't out of scope. No harm in applying.


    yet apparently over-qualified for basic min wage jobs, while not getting interviews for the levels I am trained at.
    Job market is competitive.


    But even so, I think you'd benefit from showing someone (maybe your sister given she's working?) your CVs and seeing if they are pitched at the right level. If you are applying for jobs at your level AND below you then I wouldn't be surprised if there's some sort of muddling and the odd part which puts each type of prospective employer off.


    Also, are you doing anything like volunteer work or Job Centre courses (people hate them but they can be helpful) to try and gain relevant experience and some strong selling points?


    I personally got into a call center with a respectable 2nd class maths degree mainly because they needed bums on seats and because I didn't come across as the job being beneath me.


    Having everyone else push their opinions on me is not helping my mental wellbeing.
    I'm not really allowed to comment on health issues on here


    But there's a POSSIBILITY that your general situation is the root cause (being out of work) and blaming others is the release. Food for thought, but always seek a professional's opinion over mine.


    I know they mean well but they don’t realise how belittling it is and how pathetic I feel not being able to secure employment. I actually feel pretty useless not being able to pay my own way, like my independence has been stripped away and left me stark naked in plain view of everyone. I had to come off social media becuase everyone asking if I had a job yet was really getting to me.
    Fair enough! Hey listen, they are only trying to help you As am I to be fair. But I note that, to me, it seems like you've just completely done a 180 on your thoughts and this is the real nugget of the issue.


    I would suggest that you speak to your BF about this to be fair... But that's up to you. Only suggest that because parents/siblings are very "close to home" on this subject. Unless you don't think your BF will respond positively, in which case go for mum?
    Last edited by Les79; 09-01-2019 at 8:06 PM.
    • TELLIT01
    • By TELLIT01 9th Jan 19, 8:09 PM
    • 6,123 Posts
    • 6,838 Thanks
    TELLIT01
    • #6
    • 9th Jan 19, 8:09 PM
    • #6
    • 9th Jan 19, 8:09 PM
    Being told by person A at the Job Centre that you should apply for any job going but being told by interviewer B that you are overqualified for the job is enough to make a saint swear. There is no easy answer. All you can do is take a deep breath, make a model of your BF from plasticene and stick pins in it :-), keep applying and try to stay positive.
    That isn't meant to be patronising as I've also been in a similar position and had to do the same (with the exception of the plasticine model). Just coming on here to vent will possibly have had a positive effect for you simply because your friends and family are too close to the situation.
    As for teaching!!! There isn't enough money in this world for me to consider taking that route.
    • keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • By keepcalmandstayoutofdebt 9th Jan 19, 9:20 PM
    • 3,500 Posts
    • 1,851 Thanks
    keepcalmandstayoutofdebt
    • #7
    • 9th Jan 19, 9:20 PM
    • #7
    • 9th Jan 19, 9:20 PM
    There was a question to the agony aunt page in daily ⭐️ Monday from a guy who's partner would just go and spend on his card - I'm afraid even the agony aunt said there comes a time when someone needs to be asked what their job plans are.

    Recently tried to help a friend, found them more jobs then I found myself at one point! put me of helping again as I got ghosted over Christmas and everytime I asked it was "life's bad man don't ask" so no substance. Wouldn't mind I found them quality jobs - a supermarket offering 30 hours a week and actively said come learn new skills to the basic office full time temp job all inside of their 'expressed distance' and avoiding the sector they expressed they would never work in. Turned out my partial PC illiterate friend thought that meant apply in a few days, whereas the temp especially temp job actually went in hours.

    Another friend who has worked part time for 17 years (we're the same age) is wanting to set up their own domestic care business despite never having worked in care! (Won't do personal care and I'm not going to burst their bubble on that) well, they also admitted they don't want to work at all which as we're getting nearer 40 seems to be the 'in thing'. that shocked me if I'm being honest.

    I've two jobs of two months on the CV and today was offered interviews finally in the same county as I live so you don't have to be in a job you are not that sure/fond of to long. (with any luck) I even got berated for looking when I knew a fixed term was coming to an end once so you really can't win.

    I want to understand to a degree how you feel - when we're in a job we don't want to be and when we're not in a job we then want to be!
    "If you are caught in a rainstorm, once you accept that you'll receive a soaking, the only thing left to do is enjoy the walk"
    • Feyfangirl
    • By Feyfangirl 9th Jan 19, 10:27 PM
    • 419 Posts
    • 7,069 Thanks
    Feyfangirl
    • #8
    • 9th Jan 19, 10:27 PM
    • #8
    • 9th Jan 19, 10:27 PM
    As someone who has had a couple of long term unemployment spells, especially a more recent one, I know how truly soul destroying it can be. Not only do you feel judged by society for not working (even though you are looking for work!) you can be looking for every job you can physically do (e.g. qualified for, experienced, etc.) and still be told you arent experienced, or not qualified enough or over qualified.


    Family will tell you how simple it is to get a job, even though they themselves have had periods of unemployment (and far more money themselves given to them by others during this unemployment and before) and what you should be doing (e.g. volunteering in an out of town role due to more local ones not taking on volunteers, and ignoring the point of how not having the bus fare to travel kind of makes it pointless).



    It's a hard, and frustrating road, and I have so much respect for you for going through this. I am 26 now, and am currently training as a level 3 nursery nurse for one day a week. The advanced learner loans are good, as it works like a student loan but is cheaper and will enable you to do a btec course (level 2/3) to help you become qualified good luck!
    "No one can change the past. The only thing we can do is strive to make up for our mistakes. Why must we make up for our mistakes, you ask? Because in so doing...we can find the way back to our path. And once we've found our path we can move on from our past mistakes toward a brighter future"

    Phoenix Wright in Ace Attorney Rise from the Ashes
    • Lioness Twinkletoes
    • By Lioness Twinkletoes 10th Jan 19, 8:07 AM
    • 1,458 Posts
    • 5,192 Thanks
    Lioness Twinkletoes
    • #9
    • 10th Jan 19, 8:07 AM
    • #9
    • 10th Jan 19, 8:07 AM
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Originally posted by amcg100
    It is absolutely anyone's right to be unemployed. I wouldn't criticise anyone that chose to give up the daily rat race to do anything they choose - as long as they can afford to keep a roof over the head and pay their own way. It becomes less of a right if a person is depending on others to keep them.
    • Ozzuk
    • By Ozzuk 10th Jan 19, 8:11 AM
    • 1,624 Posts
    • 2,355 Thanks
    Ozzuk
    "I’ve got a huffy BF who thinks I’m just sitting about at home living off his money for the hell of it."
    This is probably a tonque in cheek comment, but you should look at it from his point of view - it is also not his fault that he is supporting you. It is hard not to resent a little in that situation, especially if his job is stressful so I'd echo other comments about talking to him.

    also little things can help like if he's getting up for work get up at same time so he isn't going off to work seeing you staying in bed.

    Good luck with the job search!
    • Undervalued
    • By Undervalued 10th Jan 19, 8:50 AM
    • 3,939 Posts
    • 3,519 Thanks
    Undervalued
    It is absolutely anyone's right to be unemployed. I wouldn't criticise anyone that chose to give up the daily rat race to do anything they choose - as long as they can afford to keep a roof over the head and pay their own way. It becomes less of a right if a person is depending on others to keep them.
    Originally posted by Lioness Twinkletoes
    You beat me to it but I was going to post pretty much exactly that!
    • Takeaway_Addict
    • By Takeaway_Addict 10th Jan 19, 9:07 AM
    • 5,971 Posts
    • 6,953 Thanks
    Takeaway_Addict
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Being over qualified is a real problem, it basically excludes you from employment and is discrimination.
    Originally posted by amcg100
    No one forces you to work, just don't expect other people to pay your way
    Don't trust a forum for advice. Get proper paid advice. Any advice given should always be checked
    • Comms69
    • By Comms69 10th Jan 19, 9:21 AM
    • 7,687 Posts
    • 8,326 Thanks
    Comms69
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Being over qualified is a real problem, it basically excludes you from employment and is discrimination.
    Originally posted by amcg100


    It is. Everyone has the right to be unemployed.


    (just don't expect me to pick up your tab)


    It's legal discrimination; and thank goodness!
    • stator
    • By stator 10th Jan 19, 9:57 AM
    • 7,069 Posts
    • 4,850 Thanks
    stator
    The phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" is not true.



    Studies have shown that people (and dogs) can learn new skills at any age. It's only their willingness to learn that changes.


    Unless you are 6 months away from qualifying for the state pension, then you have the ability to find a new career.


    You can't blame your relatives for making suggestions, you don't seem to be managing your career transition yourself.
    Changing the world, one sarcastic comment at a time.
    • motorguy
    • By motorguy 10th Jan 19, 10:58 AM
    • 18,495 Posts
    • 11,390 Thanks
    motorguy
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Originally posted by amcg100
    You absolutely have that right, right now!

    If you want to not work, then great! Dont work!

    However you dont have the right to expect the rest of us to fund it
    "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can't cope with is therefore your own problem."
    • Gavin83
    • By Gavin83 10th Jan 19, 12:36 PM
    • 5,797 Posts
    • 9,904 Thanks
    Gavin83
    What is it about being unemployed that people, especially family, think they can impose their ideas of what you should be doing with your life on you?

    Iíve got a huffy BF who thinks Iím just sitting about at home living off his money for the hell of it. A mum whoís on another planet and thinks I should re-train as a teacher of all things, like it easy. A sister who insists I should apply to work in her field of work despite never having done a day in my life.

    At this point in my life Iím too broke to re-train and too old to do an apprenticeship,yet apparently over-qualified for basic min wage jobs, while not getting interviews for the levels I am trained at. Having everyone else push their opinions on me is not helping my mental wellbeing. I know they mean well but they donít realise how belittling it is and how pathetic I feel not being able to secure employment. I actually feel pretty useless not being able to pay my own way, like my independence has been stripped away and left me stark naked in plain view of everyone. I had to come off social media becuase everyone asking if I had a job yet was really getting to me.
    Originally posted by DestinyGamer
    How much time a week do you spend looking/applying for jobs or learning new skills to make yourself more employable?
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 10th Jan 19, 8:44 PM
    • 39,607 Posts
    • 36,753 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    A sister who insists I should apply to work in her field of work despite never having done a day in my life.
    Originally posted by DestinyGamer
    I have been wondering about this comment: I mean, I can see that you may know for certain that teaching's not for you, but perhaps your sister thinks that her field of work would really suit you. And even if you disagree, is it worth responding with something like "OK, so what would I have to do to get a job like yours?" Even if you think you know, and think it's not do-able, forcing her to spell it out to you may get that message across to her.

    I'm one of five, we all do / did very different jobs. If one of them had suggested their career to me, it would have been because they thought I'd be good at it / enjoy it, and vice versa. (As it is, they're all in awe of my skills, and vice versa!)
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
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    Current projects: ready to decrease / decreasing on all parts of the mohair cardigan pattern! but moved onto wrist warmers for friends at Christmas ...
    • DestinyGamer
    • By DestinyGamer 10th Jan 19, 10:15 PM
    • 49 Posts
    • 551 Thanks
    DestinyGamer
    As someone who has had a couple of long term unemployment spells, especially a more recent one, I know how truly soul destroying it can be. Not only do you feel judged by society for not working (even though you are looking for work!) you can be looking for every job you can physically do (e.g. qualified for, experienced, etc.) and still be told you arent experienced, or not qualified enough or over qualified.


    Family will tell you how simple it is to get a job, even though they themselves have had periods of unemployment (and far more money themselves given to them by others during this unemployment and before) and what you should be doing (e.g. volunteering in an out of town role due to more local ones not taking on volunteers, and ignoring the point of how not having the bus fare to travel kind of makes it pointless).



    It's a hard, and frustrating road, and I have so much respect for you for going through this. I am 26 now, and am currently training as a level 3 nursery nurse for one day a week. The advanced learner loans are good, as it works like a student loan but is cheaper and will enable you to do a btec course (level 2/3) to help you become qualified good luck!
    Originally posted by Feyfangirl
    Thank you so much for this!

    I do actually volunteer when Iím not applying for work or interviewing.

    Many commenters seem to have missed where I said Iím living off credit cards. I donít borrow my bfís cards, I donít claim benefits, his wages only barely cover our bills but I in no way expect him to pay my half. Every week I have an interview and even more rejection emails to wake up to. Itís disheartening and disorientating.

    Then everyone sees you take a break for a minute to play a game or go outside just to feel normal and pounce on you. Thankfully although my man can get huffy he understands I canít be applying every second of every day. But unemployment becomes the only topic of discussion with friends and family, often them bringing it up first.
    Total debt 12/18 £9365.74 | Now: £9337.65
    #12 2019 1% challenge 2% of 100%
    Loan £2552.25 | Now ...
    My debt free Diary is - 2019: Focus & Flow
    • John G Jones
    • By John G Jones 10th Jan 19, 10:45 PM
    • 531 Posts
    • 721 Thanks
    John G Jones
    Being unemployed should be a citizens right in my opinion, we should have the right to opt out and select it as a lifestyle choice.
    Being over qualified is a real problem, it basically excludes you from employment and is discrimination.
    Originally posted by amcg100
    But you absolutely do have that right. Iíve a couple of friends who stopped work in their forties, and no-one tells them that they have to work. They travel, one has got his pilotís license and flies himself somewhere new when he fancies and the other one spends a fair amount of time driving a classic car around Europe.

    Where do you get the idea from that anyone will make you work?
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 10th Jan 19, 11:11 PM
    • 39,607 Posts
    • 36,753 Thanks
    Savvy_Sue
    At this point in my life Iím too broke to re-train and too old to do an apprenticeship,yet apparently over-qualified for basic min wage jobs, while not getting interviews for the levels I am trained at.
    Originally posted by DestinyGamer
    I'm just wondering, have you had your CV / application forms reviewed? Because if you're qualified / trained for something, but not getting interviews at that level, it suggests there may be something a bit 'off' there.

    I've no idea if the National Careers Service is any good - it may vary from one area to another - but is it worth getting in touch with them? I came across a stall they were running before Christmas, and mentioned a friend who hasn't worked for 20 years for very good reasons, and they thought they'd be able to help them prep a CV etc. They have a physical presence in our city, not sure how widespread that is.

    And are there agencies which specialise in your line of work? I know that can definitely be a bit hit and miss ...
    Still knitting!
    Completed: 1 adult cardigan, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees,
    1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 2 hats, 2 balaclavas for seamen, 1 balaclava for myself, multiple poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: ready to decrease / decreasing on all parts of the mohair cardigan pattern! but moved onto wrist warmers for friends at Christmas ...
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