Supporting a mentally ill partner
Clouds88
Posts: 386 Forumite
I don’t really know where is the right place to post this and wondering if any one is in a similar situation and now you cope.
Background: husband diagnosed with depression April 2018 and probably had it for a while before that. Tried different antidepressants and lost his job a week later once he started the first one as it made him sleepy on shift and he fell asleep 5 minutes before end of his night shift.
He had one placement and a dissertation to do at uni,he had a ‘suitability’ meeting at uni and never heard the outcome for that despite emailing and calling a fair few times- actually disgusted at them but that’s another story.
Anyway so this has seen him fall deeper into depression. He’s at his all time low at the moment and has finally been referred to a psych doctor. He had an appointment with Psychiatrist Tuesday who has put him on Mirtazapine now.
Today he has spent really tired (which the doc said would be a side effect of the medicine) but it really bugs me how he has spent all day in bed basically, and some days he does this as he can’t get up but then will go out with his friend for a coffee in the eve or goes to football. I think it’s just something I need to get over and try and be supportive but it’s so hard being the one holding everything together. Looking after the kids. Working part time whilst he just has an easy life asides from his illness obviously.
Background: husband diagnosed with depression April 2018 and probably had it for a while before that. Tried different antidepressants and lost his job a week later once he started the first one as it made him sleepy on shift and he fell asleep 5 minutes before end of his night shift.
He had one placement and a dissertation to do at uni,he had a ‘suitability’ meeting at uni and never heard the outcome for that despite emailing and calling a fair few times- actually disgusted at them but that’s another story.
Anyway so this has seen him fall deeper into depression. He’s at his all time low at the moment and has finally been referred to a psych doctor. He had an appointment with Psychiatrist Tuesday who has put him on Mirtazapine now.
Today he has spent really tired (which the doc said would be a side effect of the medicine) but it really bugs me how he has spent all day in bed basically, and some days he does this as he can’t get up but then will go out with his friend for a coffee in the eve or goes to football. I think it’s just something I need to get over and try and be supportive but it’s so hard being the one holding everything together. Looking after the kids. Working part time whilst he just has an easy life asides from his illness obviously.
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Comments
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It's a hard one. To someone that has never been a party to mental illness it can seem like nonsence.
However as someone who has been there. Please be aware there are sometimes sufferers wish they had cancer because it would at least be understood by others.
You see it as nothing. You could not be farther from the truth.
If you thibnk you can stay and help is a differnt issue. If you cannot leaving earlier will be better than leaving later. Make your choice.0 -
I am trying to help, I pay for private therapy sessions for him and I will let him sleep and not ask him to get up and help with our children ect. I know it must be hard and all I want is for him to get better but it feels hard on me also, hence posting and wondering if other people have been in the same situation and how they coped.0
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It's really difficult. My ex suffered from severe depression for many years. I understand your frustration but you do have to get your head round the fact that he isn't doing it deliberately - although, I know, sometimes it feels like it.
We didn't have kids so it was easier for me to go and do my own thing, on occasions. I used to go out after work, go to football and made sure I looked after myself. That's really important. Is there someone who could look after the children so you could go out with a few friends and unwind?
My ex got better when she started studying psychology. She did so to understand the illness and how it affected her. She said that a lot of the students were doing the same thing.
She also made a determined effort to cut down and, finally, come off her meds. She said they made her feel worse than the depression, itself.0 -
Mental illness is a real condition and can be very disabling
At the same time everyone is an individual, and some people will take advantage.
I'm not saying your partner is but the same time it's strange when he can manage the things he wants to rather than things that will help the family0 -
I know what depression feels like and it's a truly bleak place. Bed becomes a safe place because facing anything is overwhelming. Everyone is different and every situation is complicated. In the most simplistic terms, I would personally do this (in order):
1) Tell him you don't understand but want to help. Be there and let him know that you're there to listen as and when he's ready to talk.
2) Self-care!!! Try remove yourself at times and focus on your own well-being. See friends, exercise or see a movie - whatever you enjoy.
3) There's loads of resources about depression. I think this one's pretty good. Read up if you can a little and maybe try get him involved when he's ready. https://www.7cups.com/depression-help-online/
Finally, often things are said that can be hurtful. Try not to let it get to you (easier said than done). Take care.0 -
OP do you have a carers association near you? they can offer invaluable help.0
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