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  • FIRST POST
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 26th Jul 19, 9:43 AM
    • 71Posts
    • 251Thanks
    4853emma
    Debt, debt and more debt.
    • #1
    • 26th Jul 19, 9:43 AM
    Debt, debt and more debt. 26th Jul 19 at 9:43 AM
    I entered into a DMP in March 2018 after waking up in the night feeling like I was having a heart atack. I left my ex in 2012 and was earning 22,000 a year at the time. I struggled on, paying everything and ended up using credit cards and loans just to make ends meet. I was managing the monthly payments ok until my ex stopped paying his 340 towards the children. Long story but he has manipulated my son so that he doesn't have to pay me anything. My son gets 5 a week if he stays with his Dad 4 days a week. This means he pays 20 a month, saving himself 300. The 340 drop crippled me and I managed for 6 months until I began to drown.

    Anyway in March 2018 I owed 42,000 and now I owe 33,279. I pay 517 a month on a DMP and supplement my income with Ebay and Tutoring.

    I'm feeling proper fed up today at the thought of the enormity of my situation. I am now married and my other half initially lied about how much money he had, amongst other lies throughout the years. That's another story! The plan is to eventually leave when I have my finances in order.

    I'm very much alone in sorting this out and normally I just get on with it. Today I'm having a down day.

    My family don't know and because I have a good job they think I'm well off and greedy for Tutoring and working three hours a night on Ebay. All together I'm working 75 hours a week.

    They have made comments like 'you should put your children first' and not Ebay. I've set up this diary so that I don't feel as alone in this journey and have people to discuss things with who won't bring me down further.

    March 2018 42,000 July 2019 33,279
Page 6
    • darrannah
    • By darrannah 14th Sep 19, 1:09 PM
    • 50 Posts
    • 176 Thanks
    darrannah
    I've just read your diary from start to finish, what an awful situation you're in. Glad everything is starting to come together for you with the house and so happy you can take the dog I hope everything falls into place and you become a much happier person as it is only what you deserve x

    subscribing to cheer you on
    • Honeysucklelou2
    • By Honeysucklelou2 14th Sep 19, 1:36 PM
    • 2,012 Posts
    • 10,526 Thanks
    Honeysucklelou2
    Great news about the house. Will your move date coincide with the golfing holiday?
    paydbx2019 #93 1091.17/10,100 .
    EF 10

    # savings# 11. Oven. 0 / 403
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 14th Sep 19, 3:24 PM
    • 2,239 Posts
    • 22,280 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    It's understandable that you're feeling tearful but from what you've said I think you're doing the right thing. You've obviously thought it through and I agree wholeheartedly with everything Chrystal has said.

    I hope everything works out for you.
    • DebtFreeMonkey
    • By DebtFreeMonkey 15th Sep 19, 5:17 PM
    • 204 Posts
    • 630 Thanks
    DebtFreeMonkey
    Oh, gosh! What a roller coaster ride for you. Do glad you've got the house, though. Onwards and upwards from here, right? Sending all the good vibes I can your way.
    Debt - Aug 2019 = 12,739.90
    Sept 2019 = 11,651.52
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 15th Sep 19, 10:53 PM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    So, told him I'm going and nothing. He didn't seem bothered, just didn't speak to me for the rest of the night.

    I asked him about Thiursday and that he could have rang to say he was ataying out. His response was 'I'm not a fxxking child, You don't tell me what to do'.

    I can't get my head around how he is so devoid of emotions. He really doesn't care and I'm heartbroken. I know it's been a really unhealthy relationship and that I have to go but it hurts, it hurts a lot.
    • Chrystal
    • By Chrystal 15th Sep 19, 11:46 PM
    • 776 Posts
    • 5,626 Thanks
    Chrystal
    I think you'll find that lots of us have been in similar situations to you. I know I can certainly speak from experience. I think the hardest part is accepting that the person you fell in love with doesn't really exist. We have an image in our heart/head of who this person is and the reality is totally different.
    It will take you time to come to terms with it, and the hurt is very real. It's the equivalent of grieving .
    Thinking about you and hoping that you find some peace of mind soon. X
    I Believe.....
    That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others.
    Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.
    • Toni'sfriend
    • By Toni'sfriend 16th Sep 19, 7:49 AM
    • 2,239 Posts
    • 22,280 Thanks
    Toni'sfriend
    I think you'll find that lots of us have been in similar situations to you. I know I can certainly speak from experience. I think the hardest part is accepting that the person you fell in love with doesn't really exist. We have an image in our heart/head of who this person is and the reality is totally different.
    It will take you time to come to terms with it, and the hurt is very real. It's the equivalent of grieving .
    Thinking about you and hoping that you find some peace of mind soon. X
    This is all so true. From personal experience also I can promise you that you will feel like a great weight has been lifted when you can be you. No more being bullied, undermined and being made to feel useless and that everything is all your fault.

    Take care.
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 19th Sep 19, 5:36 PM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    I need to start packing but can't face it just yet. I feel so sad that he has built a life with us and then destroyed it. My sister says that the person I am in love with doesn't exist. I know she is right. He was away again last night at a treasure hunt and I disn't miss him at all. He's not come home today and so I don't know where he is. Work has been pressured since I went back and I've actually had physical chest pains. I was thinking about having a week off but my sister says that I need work to distract me. I hope this feeling passes soon.
    Went to see a spiritualist and he said that he was no good for me. Everybody is saying it.
    • Kitten868
    • By Kitten868 19th Sep 19, 7:29 PM
    • 1,282 Posts
    • 3,500 Thanks
    Kitten868
    Hello again lovely,

    I promise you that you have exhausted every avenue of making this relationship work. You have tried everything and done everything you can to make the relationship a success. You two are not right for each other because he is a toxic, self absorbed douche bag. You are not the reason why its failed. This is not your fault. And more than that I promise that at some point you will see all of this for yourself.

    I am worried about your deposit on the house but you are doing the right thing. How much longer before you have to be out of the house?

    Start packing! Every item that goes in a box brings you closer to your freedom! Xxx
    Loan 1 4300/8000
    Loan 2 2300/5800
    Total 6600/13800 52% PAID
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 19th Sep 19, 7:37 PM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    I go on the 28th. He is moving on the 26th and says that he is taking his clothes and the TV. He said that he isn't going to help me clean the house and that it's my problem. I'll email the Landlord and tell him thst the deposit needs to come back to the same bank account. I have a few jobs to do like changing rhe light switch. He punched it because I left it on one morning. Told me initially that he fell on it.

    On the upside I mentioned my little venture with my friend, selling his items. Well this week I've made 100 and so this should take off and give me at least 200 a month.
    The dog knows something is happening because he won't leave my side. I'm lay in bed and he is cuddled up. Even he must be feeling let down.

    Bought some oven cleaner and so I'll make a start on them later on.

    I can't eat and can't sleep. I'm sure it's just the process I need to go through.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 19th Sep 19, 7:53 PM
    • 67,073 Posts
    • 303,787 Thanks
    beanielou
    Great news on the sales

    Not surprised that you cant eat or sleep. As you say part of the process.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 17 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 21st Sep 19, 6:24 AM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    This weekend is a weekend of packing up. I need to pay 1700 on Saturday for deposit and rent. I have 1100 so far. Going to hammer the Ebay to raise the funds.
    We'll live on the tutoring money until I get paid.

    I wanted a pot of money to ease the pressure but moving is now upon me and so I'll have to deal with it. I've made 40 in my sleep from Ebay and so it's a start. Worst case and then I'll have to borrow from family but my pride isn't keen on that happening. Fingers crossed I can raise the cash in time
    Last edited by 4853emma; 21-09-2019 at 6:57 AM.
    • MovingForwards
    • By MovingForwards 21st Sep 19, 7:13 AM
    • 2,380 Posts
    • 2,814 Thanks
    MovingForwards
    Swallow your pride, ask your family for the extra money, pay your deposit then get cracking with packing.

    It will all soon be over, you will be settling in your new home and over a brew look back and wonder why you didn't call it a day sooner.

    Have you been in touch with your current landlord to make sure your husband has served notice? It is possible he said he had just to spite you.

    Your side businesses sound like they are keeping you ticking over.
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 22nd Sep 19, 7:31 AM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    Quick question.. Children's dad pays no money towards them.
    Son stays at his 4 nights a week
    Daughter doesn't really go any longer.

    I've always been very relaxed with access because I think if they want to ser their Dad then they should be able to. This has worked against me and their Dad told my Son that if he stayed with him four nights a week he could have 20 a month. He did and so the money stopped.

    Bearing in mind that DD doesn't bother going that often am I now in a position to claim money from him? He currently pays for nothing except the odd pair of football boots for DS and his school shoes.
    • darrannah
    • By darrannah 22nd Sep 19, 8:36 AM
    • 50 Posts
    • 176 Thanks
    darrannah
    I wouldn’t know 100% re claiming for child maintenance but you can always phone and enquire (I think they have to provide for until the child is 16 but I could be wrong)
    I’m so glad to ebay sales and the website are working out for you, and I hope you can raise the funds in time, I have everything crossed for you
    Also it’s good that your family is an option should it need to be, it just proves the love and support that you have to get through this.
    Now keep on with that packing, it will soon all be over
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 22nd Sep 19, 4:30 PM
    • 67,073 Posts
    • 303,787 Thanks
    beanielou
    They have to provide for their children up to the age of 25 as long as the child is in full time education.
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 17 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 24th Sep 19, 9:20 PM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    Had an awful day. OH has got the train to the football. I emailed the landlord about the house and he said that he knew nothing about us going. Turns out OH has nowhere to go and so deliberately didn't tell him, buying himself more time. I cried in the cupboard at work. Anyway today the Landlord has said we are behind with rent. I've asked for all the payments. OH was 200 down on last year and hasn't paid a penny in August or September. In total he owes 1300. I spoke to my Mum and Dad tonight and my Mum was telling me I've been a complete mug, I know that I have but when you're in a partnership you look out for each other. Turns out that my OH was just looking out for himself.

    I don't think I'll be moving now on Saturday as the Landlord needs to write me a reference and that won't happen when we owe money on this property.
    • beanielou
    • By beanielou 24th Sep 19, 9:36 PM
    • 67,073 Posts
    • 303,787 Thanks
    beanielou
    Oh dear. I am so sorry to read this.
    Would the new landlord accept a personal reference & a bank reference?
    Lou~ Debt free Wanabe No 55 DF 03/03/14. MFW. 17 months to mortgage freedom.
    **Credit card debt free 30/06/10~**
    **Weight loss 2 stone 11 lbs **

    "A large income is the best recipe for happiness I ever heard of" Jane Austen in Mansfield Park.
    ***Fall down seven times,stand up eight*** ~~Japanese proverb.
    It starts with you, it starts from now. *** It is ok to be me.***
    ***Keep plodding***
    Out of debt, out of danger. ***Be the difference.***
    • Honeysucklelou2
    • By Honeysucklelou2 25th Sep 19, 2:06 AM
    • 2,012 Posts
    • 10,526 Thanks
    Honeysucklelou2
    How much notice is needed to be given to the landlord? Is it possible to give notice and still move, than it's up to your OH to negotiate a single person tenancy? Does the landlord understand the circumstances and that you were unaware of your OH's non- payment? Perhaps he might still give a reference if he understands the circumstances...?
    paydbx2019 #93 1091.17/10,100 .
    EF 10

    # savings# 11. Oven. 0 / 403
    • 4853emma
    • By 4853emma 25th Sep 19, 4:52 AM
    • 71 Posts
    • 251 Thanks
    4853emma
    I've emailed him. My payments are up to date..
    OH went to the football last night and then the casino. Got home at half 3.
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