About to tell husband about secret debt

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  • Big hugs hun - sure all will work out fine the end xx
  • Hi,

    I can empathise with how you are feeling. I was in a sort of similar situation myself earlier this year. My wife knew that we had loads of debt but not the exact amount. The relief when it was all out in the open was huge. None of us know you or your husband, so we it would be wrong to tell you that he will be understanding etc, however I totally agree that for you own mental well being, he has to be told.

    He might surprise you - I know that I would be upset that I hadn't noticed it and would question myself. Does he think that you are totally debt free?
  • Dan you were one of those I was thinking of when I replied! (And Alibat you were another!)

    OP how are things going? Can you pop back and update us?
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  • sile001
    sile001 Posts: 94
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker Debt-free and Proud!
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    Good luck. I think while your husband will be upset initially, if, as others have said, you come up with a constructive way of dealing with your debt, he will be more understanding than you expect.

    All the best and keep us updated. You’ll get lots of good advice here :)
    Debt-Free as of 12th September 2017

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  • Sorry not to post for a while. Firstly, thanks everyone for the messages of support - it's so good to know you're not alone and also not to be judged.

    As per my original post, I planned to tell him last Monday but ended up spending most of the day in A&E with my daughter - nothing serious but - that completely messed my intentions up.

    After that I just couldn't get up the same amount of confidence to tell him - then the week gets caught up with kids/school etc etc - but I was planning to broach the subject today.

    Last night though he came storming downstairs demanding to know about the money that had gone out of the joint account - I'd had to use it to pay a minimum payment on one of the cards. I was of course planning to tell him before he saw it for himself. So it all came out in the end - it wasn't the way I wanted it to go, but...

    He has been incredible. He says he is actually relieved as he was imagining all kinds of things - him being relieved is the last thing I expected. He also has been incredibly loving and has felt terrible for not picking up on it sooner and that I've had to carry the burden. I absolutely don't think he should feel sorry for me - it's my own fault and I have no one else to blame.

    But we have talked about it and we are making a plan - and it's very much "we" now rather than me trying to do it all on my own.

    The relief is incredible and I don't think I have actually had time to process it. He wishes I had told him sooner - and now so do I!

    I know I am very fortunate as not everyone would be that understanding.
    So yes, it all worked out - thank goodness - and thank you for the support. It really helped.
  • I'm so pleased for you. Now you can move forward together and you can tackle your debt with full support. X
    It will all be ok in the end - if it's not ok, then it's not the end!
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  • yes - and also taking some time to think about how I got myself in this mess and breaking any unhealthy patterns of thinking and behaving around money - so that it never happens again.
  • sourcrates
    sourcrates Posts: 28,711
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    edited 15 October 2017 at 12:37PM
    meeniemo wrote: »
    Sorry not to post for a while. Firstly, thanks everyone for the messages of support - it's so good to know you're not alone and also not to be judged.

    As per my original post, I planned to tell him last Monday but ended up spending most of the day in A&E with my daughter - nothing serious but - that completely messed my intentions up.

    After that I just couldn't get up the same amount of confidence to tell him - then the week gets caught up with kids/school etc etc - but I was planning to broach the subject today.

    Last night though he came storming downstairs demanding to know about the money that had gone out of the joint account - I'd had to use it to pay a minimum payment on one of the cards. I was of course planning to tell him before he saw it for himself. So it all came out in the end - it wasn't the way I wanted it to go, but...

    He has been incredible. He says he is actually relieved as he was imagining all kinds of things - him being relieved is the last thing I expected. He also has been incredibly loving and has felt terrible for not picking up on it sooner and that I've had to carry the burden. I absolutely don't think he should feel sorry for me - it's my own fault and I have no one else to blame.

    But we have talked about it and we are making a plan - and it's very much "we" now rather than me trying to do it all on my own.

    The relief is incredible and I don't think I have actually had time to process it. He wishes I had told him sooner - and now so do I!

    I know I am very fortunate as not everyone would be that understanding.
    So yes, it all worked out - thank goodness - and thank you for the support. It really helped.

    You know, i`ve seen no end of posts similar to yours, one partner scared to tell the other about a "secret debt", and for the most part, they have all ended up this way.

    You can intrinsically tell when something isn't right in a relationship, and of course we always fear the worst, like an affair, or a serious illness, the relief knowing its only money must be immense !!

    I hope this thread serves as good advice to other's in similar circumstances.
    I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Debt free wannabe, Credit file and ratings, and Bankruptcy and living with it boards. If you need any help on these boards, do let me know. Please note that Ambassadors are not moderators. Any posts you spot in breach of the Forum Rules should be reported via the report button, or by emailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com. All views are my own and not the official line of MoneySavingExpert.For free non-judgemental debt advice, contact either Stepchange, National Debtline, or CitizensAdviceBureaux.Link to SOA Calculator- https://www.stoozing.com/soa.php The "provit letter" is here-https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2607247/letter-when-you-know-nothing-about-about-the-debt-aka-prove-it-letter
  • I cannot believe I am typing this.....I have almost $50,000 in CREDIT CARD debt. That does not include my student loan, mortgage or car loan. How did this happen? Sadly, my husband has no idea it is this bad. I too thought I would be able to eventually pay it off without him knowing. I am certifiably delusional. And so stupid. I HAVE to tell him. I cannot continue to make the minimum payments that mainly go towards interest. I am FREAKING out. I almost hope he just leaves me. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for being such a terribly wife. I preach to my kids about TRUST. I am such a hypocrite! Please tell me how I can stand to ever look at myself in the mirror again. I hope to tell him tonight if I can find the courage.
  • DownOnDebt wrote: »
    I cannot believe I am typing this.....I have almost $50,000 in CREDIT CARD debt. That does not include my student loan, mortgage or car loan. How did this happen? Sadly, my husband has no idea it is this bad. I too thought I would be able to eventually pay it off without him knowing. I am certifiably delusional. And so stupid. I HAVE to tell him. I cannot continue to make the minimum payments that mainly go towards interest. I am FREAKING out. I almost hope he just leaves me. I do not think I can ever forgive myself for being such a terribly wife. I preach to my kids about TRUST. I am such a hypocrite! Please tell me how I can stand to ever look at myself in the mirror again. I hope to tell him tonight if I can find the courage.

    Start your own thread for the support etc x
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